Marriage and separate friends?

SemperAnticus1643

I met my husband 2 years ago. We got along great and were each other's best friend. So I really quit talking with my friends before I met him and focused solely on us. We recently went thru a situation where I was ready to file for an annulment after just 5 months of marriage. I turned to friends for support. Since then my husband and I have reconciled and are working on making our marriage work. I feel like at this point I need to keep my friends. To turn to when things are going wrong or when things are great and I want to brag a little. He thinks I don't need them now cause I never needed them before. My question is, is it healthy to have separate friends?

Karyn1120

It is definitely healthy to have separate friends!!! Enjoy your time wiht them.....friends are a precious commodity!

iAMaPhoenix

Simple answer...YES.

AngieM76

Is very much healthy to have seperate friends and I would in no way give them up again.

ak_in_ak

Friends are one of those things you don't realize how importnat they are untill they are gone. I lost a lot of friends when i first started dating my boyfirend, 4 years later we are still going strong but I miss my ex-best friend terribly. We are both so different now but it is important to have a females around!

marybailey

Absolutely, you should both have your own friends!! You are an individual, after all and so is he.

TakuraHunt

I did the same thing you did, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I cut off communication with my closet friends, and focused all of my time and energy solely on him. We have been together for 11 years, married for 6 and there is not 1 year that goes by when we don't talk about getting a seperation. I miss having my friends to turn to... to talk to... to cry with... to laugh with...

jenjenlv

It is healthy and I would say necessary to have separate friends. As much as you love your significant other, you still need to be you and have friends and have that "me" time.

smpearce13

Completely necessary! I think my wife and I would go crazy if we didn't have our circle(s) of friends!

To turn this around a little, he doesn't think you need any other friends, but does he have a group of friends, or people to talk to/hang out with?

I've watched that with my wife's family (they're Mormon). Her (step)dad has people he hangs out with, does his fishing and hunting trips with, and her mom basically has her daughters and grandkids. You can tell sometimes that's just not enough for her.

elliecolorado

Never been married, but been in several long term relationships. And yes it is healthy to have separate friends!

outersoul

Separate friends is a must. For as much as marriage is a union, there's also a need to get away. Removing yourself from situations is often the best view.

SandersWifey

YESSSS!!!!:bigsmile:

My husband IS my best friend..
BUT I also have my own friends and he has his own friends
and we have like 3 mutual friends.

I live with the thinking that there needs to be 3 'times'
'us' time
'me' time
'girl time' <--or 'friend' time if you have mixed gender friends.

And honestly he should want you to have friends!!!! Friends are good for the soul!
Hopw everything works out for you!:flowerforyou:

amyyellis

I don't have any male friends that I talk to or spend time with apart from my husband. I feel like that is just asking for trouble.

Its very normal when you get married to transition from having mostly single friends to more couple friends. Our premarriage counselor told us that, and its proved true. My best friends now are all married, and we talk constantly. But its very important to remember that your husband is your priority. E.g. I tell my friends when we are fighting, but I don't speak badly about my husband. I also never share anything too personal about our relationship, because its between him and I.

I think you can find a healthy balance. Sounds like you guys need some support from other couples, and maybe an older couple who can give you advice from their experience?

rs2361

keeping your friends when you are married is EXTREMELY important!

sweetmeka238

Keep your friends, keep your sanity lol. Realistically we all need a break from our significant other from time to time or just some form of outside activity. Although you are ex. "Steve's wife", you still have an identity. Dont lose site of who you were before you got married.

I had cut all of my friends back significantly (like a once a month outing to Olive Garden with 1 or 2) or I didnt talk to them at all. Totally not healthy! I am now separated going through a divorce and after a few dirty looks and verbal beatings, my friends acted as if I had never neglected them.

mikethom

Friends are so important. I am going through the whole divorce thing; after we broke up I realized how estranged I had allowed myself to become from my friends because of the relationship. I was lucky that my friends were willing to take me back in and they have been such a tremendous support to me since. I realize now that regardless of my relationship with a partner, I shouldn't let that relationship force me to lose my support network.

Mike

mrsbrown2k1

Yes seperate friends is a requirement!!!! When my ex-husband and I seperated all our friends were his friends. I was left with no one. Loneliest time in my life. My current husband and I have the same friends and seperate friends!

MinnieInMaine

I agree, it's really healthy to have separate friends. Like SandersWifey, I strongly believe in "us time", "me time" and "girl time". I'm totally crazy about my hubby, he's definitely my #1 best friend and I do like to get as much "us time" in as I can BUT there's nothing like hanging with your girlfriends. My two besties have been in my life for almost 20 years now so we're more like sisters and we pretty much know every little detail of each others lives so besides hubby, there's no one else I feel as comfortable around.

Plus, here's the thing - if you only call your friends when you need their support and then you lose contact, that means you're not reciprocating by being available to them when they need you. Like any relationship, it's all about give and take. So keep those bonds going and have a girl's day now and then and I'm sure you'll be much happier.

SemperAnticus1643

Completely necessary! I think my wife and I would go crazy if we didn't have our circle(s) of friends!

To turn this around a little, he doesn't think you need any other friends, but does he have a group of friends, or people to talk to/hang out with?

I've watched that with my wife's family (they're Mormon). Her (step)dad has people he hangs out with, does his fishing and hunting trips with, and her mom basically has her daughters and grandkids. You can tell sometimes that's just not enough for her.

My husband is from Las Vegas, and we live in Oklahoma. His closest friend lives in either Vegas or Utah. He calls his friend but doesn't make friends here.

NewVonnie

My husband and I have couple friends we hang out with together, and I'll also hang out with just the wife. But we both also have single friends that we each hang out with. You need couple time, me time, and time with your friends. The key is balance. You cant neglect your relationship but you also need to pursue other things that fullfill you too. At least that works for us and we've been married 22 years.

SemperAnticus1643

My husband and I have couple friends we hang out with together, and I'll also hang out with just the wife. But we both also have single friends that we each hang out with. You need couple time, me time, and time with your friends. The key is balance. You cant neglect your relationship but you also need to pursue other things that fullfill you too. At least that works for us and we've been married 22 years.

See that's the thing. We started playing softball together. His depth perception is messed up so he decided he didn't want to play anymore and quit going. So now I'm going by myself. He works from 9 to 830 most days so going out for us is a really late outing and his 2 days off are wednesday which is a school/work night for kids/me and sunday which is when we pick the kids up from their grandfathers. So my friday nights are spent at home, which i'm cool with most times, or at my dads until he gets home. So I have the opportunity to go to a concert tonight with some girlfriends and after everything that he and I have been thru this past month he feels like I don't want to be around him. I have a chance to get away from him and I'm taking it. Which is not true. But otherwise I would be spending most of the night by myself anyway.

MrsSki

YES! You need to have your "me time"! And that includes time with friends and no husband! I don't know what I would do without my friends. I mean, my hubby is my best friend, and I would never want to give that up, but sometimes you need an outside perspective. Or just some time away from each other. Like I said, I love my husband, but I value the weekends I can get away with the girls.

We do have friends we hang out with together, but if I want a girls night, he is ok with it. Just like i'm ok with him having a guys night.

Sheri869

Its not healthy for him to not want you to have friends - thats a control issue. I agree completely with the people that said you need to have couples time, me time and friend time. I love spending time with my husband and with him and other couples but I, very much, value my "me time" and my "friend time" - and so does he! As long as its not to the extreme that you neglect your partner - they are one of the most important things in your life next to your kids, parents & siblings...

You need to have a well rounded "world" and it can't all rely on one person. things other people contribute to your life....Other points of view....putting things in perspective....sounding boards for your happy and sad times....or just some fun of a different nature...

You get something different (that you need) from every single person that you spend time with. One person can't possibly fulfill all the needs of a human being.

Good Luck in your marriage and in your weight loss journey

NewVonnie

My husband and I have couple friends we hang out with together, and I'll also hang out with just the wife. But we both also have single friends that we each hang out with. You need couple time, me time, and time with your friends. The key is balance. You cant neglect your relationship but you also need to pursue other things that fullfill you too. At least that works for us and we've been married 22 years.

See that's the thing. We started playing softball together. His depth perception is messed up so he decided he didn't want to play anymore and quit going. So now I'm going by myself. He works from 9 to 830 most days so going out for us is a really late outing and his 2 days off are wednesday which is a school/work night for kids/me and sunday which is when we pick the kids up from their grandfathers. So my friday nights are spent at home, which i'm cool with most times, or at my dads until he gets home. So I have the opportunity to go to a concert tonight with some girlfriends and after everything that he and I have been thru this past month he feels like I don't want to be around him. I have a chance to get away from him and I'm taking it. Which is not true. But otherwise I would be spending most of the night by myself anyway.

I'd be saying "Look, I love you, but you'll be working anyway and I need to see my friends. So I'll see you when I get home" He needs to be reasonable in what he expects from you as regards your time. If he really loves you he'd want you to be happy and have time with your friends. My hubby says " A happy wife is a happy husband"

pelester3117

Keep your friends!!!!

La_Amazona

I made the same mistake as you. When I got with him (and vice versa) I dropped my friends... not on purpose but because he turned into my everything.

I learned the hard way that he's not my everything. He's a very important part of my life, after God, he's the most important, but he is not my everything. I will not make that mistake ever again. It doesn't mean he's not my bestfriend or that I'm lacking but I have got to keep my individuality that way WE can be greater. I also encourage him to make friends now (opposite of what I used to do- wanted to keep 100% of his attention) so that he can also feel free and feel whole. In return, I believe I'll get a more well rounded healthy man who loves me for ME.

However, we are now trying to make friends with other couples because he has 1 or 2 guy friends that are his, while I have about 6-8 good girl friends whom I visit and have girly nights with. He doesn't hang out with my friends nor do I with his so we also want to have a group of couple friends we can hang out with as a couple.

Angela4Health

It's completely UNHEALTHY to not keep separate friends.

bunchesonothing

Yes, it is healthy to have separate friends. We have friends together as well. My hubby and I do and it is one of the reasons we work. Beyond separate friends we have separate interests as well.

Cherrycandy

You NEED to keep your friends to stay healthy and sane. People get married and think it's gonna last forever and sometimes it does, sometimes it doesnt, and when it doesnt, you need that support and advice from people that really know you and love you. You need time with your friends AWAY from each other as well. It allows time for the two of you to be yourself, relate to others outside the marriage and time apart to miss each other. I think one of the biggest mistakes a person can make is losing all thier friends because they think now they have mr/mrs right, and then you end up getting sick of each other because they are the only "friend" you have.

Cytherea

I've totally been there, and I know what you are going through.

Back when I first started dating my husband- we were both in high school- I completely expected him to drop all of his other friends. At first, he resisted, but when I got upset because he'd stay out all night and he wasn't with me and didn't call me to say goodnight, he stopped. In my defense, the people that he was friends with really were a mess, they were bad friends, and some of them had a problem with our relationship, so I obviously didn't want him to be around them... but what I did was still not ok, and ended up causing issues later on in our relationship, because he blamed me for the loss of his long-time friends and harbored a little bit of resentment towards me because of it. We've obviously gotten past that now, but it wasn't fun- and he was right.

But what happened is that now, 9 years later, all he has is me. He has one friend left who he talks to sometimes. But some stuff happened and their relationship hasn't been the same since- he doesn't trust him anymore. And he is a mutual friend, so when we spend time together, it is always the three of us; and now, four of us, since he got married too. He never really gets any "guy time" or time out with just his friends.

When I was younger, I used to think this was perfect. I had his undivided attention all of the time. But now? I feel horribly sad about it. More than anything, I WANT him to have friends. I don't have many friends myself, but the ones that I have are GOOD friends and TRUE friends, and how could I not want the same for the person that I love? He will always be my best friend, but I would go crazy without my other friends.

To not want the other person to have friends is very possessive, and very immature, in my opinion. And I can freely admit that I WAS both of those things. If you truly love someone and want the best for them, you want them to have people in their lives outside of just you, because that's healthy and GOOD.

And that's not even to mention the fact that you turned to the friends that you abandoned for him, and they were there for you. That is a mark of a TRUE friend. If you abandon them again, how is that fair? You left THEM, but they were willing to be there for you when you needed it and rekindle the friendship. How could you let people like that go, again? Friendship is a two-way street. When they need you, you need to be there for them, too. And if you do this to them again, they aren't going to be there the next time, because you've made it clear that you are not a good friend, and you only want them in your life when things aren't going well for you. And that's not ok, either. They deserve better than that.

Now, if you were talking about a separate friend that was an ex, I can see why that could be an issue. Or someone that you had feelings for even if you never were together. I can understand that completely, and would agree that keeping a close relationship with them, especially one where you spend time alone together, just the two of you, would be inappropriate, and I would say in THIS case, that your husband is right and you shouldn't be that close with them.

But if it is just a male friend, I think even that is ok too, though I know some will disagree. One of the only friends that I can actually physically spend time with (since I live across the country from most of them!) is male, and I go over his apartment almost once a week to hang out, just the two of us. My husband knows him, knows that neither of us have any interest outside of being friends, and it isn't a problem. As long as you are upfront about the relationship and don't hide things, and don't develop feelings for that person, your husband really shouldn't have a problem with it.

juliecat1

Um, YES!
If hes trying to tell you otherwise.... warning signs girl.