Marriage and separate friends?

MrsSki

YES! You need to have your "me time"! And that includes time with friends and no husband! I don't know what I would do without my friends. I mean, my hubby is my best friend, and I would never want to give that up, but sometimes you need an outside perspective. Or just some time away from each other. Like I said, I love my husband, but I value the weekends I can get away with the girls.

We do have friends we hang out with together, but if I want a girls night, he is ok with it. Just like i'm ok with him having a guys night.

Sheri869

Its not healthy for him to not want you to have friends - thats a control issue. I agree completely with the people that said you need to have couples time, me time and friend time. I love spending time with my husband and with him and other couples but I, very much, value my "me time" and my "friend time" - and so does he! As long as its not to the extreme that you neglect your partner - they are one of the most important things in your life next to your kids, parents & siblings...

You need to have a well rounded "world" and it can't all rely on one person. things other people contribute to your life....Other points of view....putting things in perspective....sounding boards for your happy and sad times....or just some fun of a different nature...

You get something different (that you need) from every single person that you spend time with. One person can't possibly fulfill all the needs of a human being.

Good Luck in your marriage and in your weight loss journey

NewVonnie

My husband and I have couple friends we hang out with together, and I'll also hang out with just the wife. But we both also have single friends that we each hang out with. You need couple time, me time, and time with your friends. The key is balance. You cant neglect your relationship but you also need to pursue other things that fullfill you too. At least that works for us and we've been married 22 years.

See that's the thing. We started playing softball together. His depth perception is messed up so he decided he didn't want to play anymore and quit going. So now I'm going by myself. He works from 9 to 830 most days so going out for us is a really late outing and his 2 days off are wednesday which is a school/work night for kids/me and sunday which is when we pick the kids up from their grandfathers. So my friday nights are spent at home, which i'm cool with most times, or at my dads until he gets home. So I have the opportunity to go to a concert tonight with some girlfriends and after everything that he and I have been thru this past month he feels like I don't want to be around him. I have a chance to get away from him and I'm taking it. Which is not true. But otherwise I would be spending most of the night by myself anyway.

I'd be saying "Look, I love you, but you'll be working anyway and I need to see my friends. So I'll see you when I get home" He needs to be reasonable in what he expects from you as regards your time. If he really loves you he'd want you to be happy and have time with your friends. My hubby says " A happy wife is a happy husband"

pelester3117

Keep your friends!!!!

La_Amazona

I made the same mistake as you. When I got with him (and vice versa) I dropped my friends... not on purpose but because he turned into my everything.

I learned the hard way that he's not my everything. He's a very important part of my life, after God, he's the most important, but he is not my everything. I will not make that mistake ever again. It doesn't mean he's not my bestfriend or that I'm lacking but I have got to keep my individuality that way WE can be greater. I also encourage him to make friends now (opposite of what I used to do- wanted to keep 100% of his attention) so that he can also feel free and feel whole. In return, I believe I'll get a more well rounded healthy man who loves me for ME.

However, we are now trying to make friends with other couples because he has 1 or 2 guy friends that are his, while I have about 6-8 good girl friends whom I visit and have girly nights with. He doesn't hang out with my friends nor do I with his so we also want to have a group of couple friends we can hang out with as a couple.

Angela4Health

It's completely UNHEALTHY to not keep separate friends.

bunchesonothing

Yes, it is healthy to have separate friends. We have friends together as well. My hubby and I do and it is one of the reasons we work. Beyond separate friends we have separate interests as well.

Cherrycandy

You NEED to keep your friends to stay healthy and sane. People get married and think it's gonna last forever and sometimes it does, sometimes it doesnt, and when it doesnt, you need that support and advice from people that really know you and love you. You need time with your friends AWAY from each other as well. It allows time for the two of you to be yourself, relate to others outside the marriage and time apart to miss each other. I think one of the biggest mistakes a person can make is losing all thier friends because they think now they have mr/mrs right, and then you end up getting sick of each other because they are the only "friend" you have.

Cytherea

I've totally been there, and I know what you are going through.

Back when I first started dating my husband- we were both in high school- I completely expected him to drop all of his other friends. At first, he resisted, but when I got upset because he'd stay out all night and he wasn't with me and didn't call me to say goodnight, he stopped. In my defense, the people that he was friends with really were a mess, they were bad friends, and some of them had a problem with our relationship, so I obviously didn't want him to be around them... but what I did was still not ok, and ended up causing issues later on in our relationship, because he blamed me for the loss of his long-time friends and harbored a little bit of resentment towards me because of it. We've obviously gotten past that now, but it wasn't fun- and he was right.

But what happened is that now, 9 years later, all he has is me. He has one friend left who he talks to sometimes. But some stuff happened and their relationship hasn't been the same since- he doesn't trust him anymore. And he is a mutual friend, so when we spend time together, it is always the three of us; and now, four of us, since he got married too. He never really gets any "guy time" or time out with just his friends.

When I was younger, I used to think this was perfect. I had his undivided attention all of the time. But now? I feel horribly sad about it. More than anything, I WANT him to have friends. I don't have many friends myself, but the ones that I have are GOOD friends and TRUE friends, and how could I not want the same for the person that I love? He will always be my best friend, but I would go crazy without my other friends.

To not want the other person to have friends is very possessive, and very immature, in my opinion. And I can freely admit that I WAS both of those things. If you truly love someone and want the best for them, you want them to have people in their lives outside of just you, because that's healthy and GOOD.

And that's not even to mention the fact that you turned to the friends that you abandoned for him, and they were there for you. That is a mark of a TRUE friend. If you abandon them again, how is that fair? You left THEM, but they were willing to be there for you when you needed it and rekindle the friendship. How could you let people like that go, again? Friendship is a two-way street. When they need you, you need to be there for them, too. And if you do this to them again, they aren't going to be there the next time, because you've made it clear that you are not a good friend, and you only want them in your life when things aren't going well for you. And that's not ok, either. They deserve better than that.

Now, if you were talking about a separate friend that was an ex, I can see why that could be an issue. Or someone that you had feelings for even if you never were together. I can understand that completely, and would agree that keeping a close relationship with them, especially one where you spend time alone together, just the two of you, would be inappropriate, and I would say in THIS case, that your husband is right and you shouldn't be that close with them.

But if it is just a male friend, I think even that is ok too, though I know some will disagree. One of the only friends that I can actually physically spend time with (since I live across the country from most of them!) is male, and I go over his apartment almost once a week to hang out, just the two of us. My husband knows him, knows that neither of us have any interest outside of being friends, and it isn't a problem. As long as you are upfront about the relationship and don't hide things, and don't develop feelings for that person, your husband really shouldn't have a problem with it.

juliecat1

Um, YES!
If hes trying to tell you otherwise.... warning signs girl.

sunyg

I did the same thing you did, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I cut off communication with my closet friends, and focused all of my time and energy solely on him. We have been together for 11 years, married for 6 and there is not 1 year that goes by when we don't talk about getting a seperation. I miss having my friends to turn to... to talk to... to cry with... to laugh with...

^^^^This is me.

JNick77

I met my husband 2 years ago. We got along great and were each other's best friend. So I really quit talking with my friends before I met him and focused solely on us. We recently went thru a situation where I was ready to file for an annulment after just 5 months of marriage. I turned to friends for support. Since then my husband and I have reconciled and are working on making our marriage work. I feel like at this point I need to keep my friends. To turn to when things are going wrong or when things are great and I want to brag a little. He thinks I don't need them now cause I never needed them before. My question is, is it healthy to have separate friends?

Have separate friends. Even if you don't need to confide in them, just have your own friends to get out and away from the house with and have some "me" time.

writtenINthestars

YES!!! It is absolutely healthy and IMO very important to have separate friends!!!!!

bakebunny

I was in a very unhealthy marriage - I was cut off from my family, had no friends of my own, and the few I had were my husband's co-workers... who told me how lucky I was to have him. When I left (and divorced) I had no one to turn to except for two internet friends. Which isn't nearly enough.

LilRedRooster

You should always have separate friends, period, even when not in a marriage. I always have a life and friends outside of any relationship I've been in, for perspective and sanity. It's not healthy to make someone your entire world, because you need to have something and someone else that allows you to define yourself separate from that person.

JNick77

YES!!! It is absolutely healthy and IMO very important to have separate friends!!!!!

Hell, get yourself a "special" friend or two if you can.

Swimgoddess

We have a similar issue in our marriage save one major complication: I prefer guy friends to chicks. As a former Marine, I am way too um, honest to make and keep girl friends. The only females I get along with are similarly-minded active or former active-duty or tomboyish lesbians. Yes, I'm straight. Women annoy the hell out of me too much to want a relationship with one, lol. I think like a guy for the most part and get along great with them. Problem is, I'm no longer a single Marine and my hubby doesn't believe it's socially acceptable for me to have my own guy friends. He thinks all they want to do is get in my pants. Doesn't help that while sleeping next to my now-husband in the barracks, his drunk bestie low-crawled up between the wall and the bed and fingered me until I woke up and realized it was him and not my guy

Just be careful with girlfriends; as previous poster stated, share that you're fighting with hubby, but don't share too much. Girlfriends, single or ESPECIALLY recently divorced ones will almost always harp on the negatives, try to convince you to leave your guy so they won't be "alone". (SO glad I didn't let that one friend pull me into her misery-boat, I repaired my marriage and she is still miserable)