eating disorder woes :( dont read if easily triggered

suzycreamcheese

im sorry for posting here, but theres nowhere really that i can talk about this sort of stuff
sometimes (often at tihe moment) i have ED tendencies, and want to talk about them, but am scared to on here, because 1, it could be triggering to people, 2 it might be disrespectful to people who just want to get to a healthy weight. 3, most people would just be worried and patronise me when i dont want or need it, and 4, assume im ready to give up, when if i was, i probably would have done by now. (sorry, its complex)

I try looking online. Anything vaguely pro-ana/mia is closed down, but that probably wouldnt meet my needs anyway, as im not pro-ED at all, i just am it, and just wish i could occasionally be honest with people.

Just getting a bit headf*cked at the moment by certain ways of thinking i keep getting the lower my weight drops. I was completely ok with maintaining, because my weight is right on the low end of healthy and then all of a sudden recently my weight dropped 3lbs in 2 days, and of course im torn between feeling delighted and uh-oh. if i dropped a couple more pounds id be underweight, and i just keep thinking oh god, id love that. I know its stupid, but for some reason the unexpected weight drop has just triggered me where before i was actually on quite an even keel and happy maintaining, and now im doing stupid things like binging and purging

I dont really know what to do. I dont want to live my life like this really, but i also really really REALLY dont want to gain weight. i need some bloody self control and just to restrict.

sunrise611

I don't even know what you mean by ED but I'm pretty sure it's not Erectile Dysfunction ...

suzycreamcheese

thanks, always nice to make a joke when someones talking about something theyre upset about cheers x

SheilaSisco

ED stands for Eating Disorder. Sweetie, if you're that worried about it you should see a doctor. Really. It would be the best thing for you to do... physically and mentally.

janalayn

not sure the best way to be supportive - but sending positive energy your way ... hope you find your way through this.

ski3r4life

Hey girl. I know how hard it is to struggle with food issues. I don't think I have an eating disorder -- but I have issues with self-esteem/food. I overeat after hanging out with people/dates... etc. I feel like MFP is the one healthy place where I can talk about those things... I'm starting to use my food diary as a place to vent some of those unhealthy thoughts. I'm 144 pounds right now... and I was 138 pounds.. at that weight I was constantly judging myself, looking in the mirror every time I went to the bathroom - I looked amazing but all I could think about was how much more amazing I would be at 130 pounds. It's like, the more health conscious/skinnier I get - the more perfectionistic I get which ALWAYS leads to failure. I can't believe how horribly I was treating my body mentally! I'm using the food notes section right now as a way to keep an eye on the unhealthy thoughts and that seems to be working at the moment. Much love

JessicaJune

I've been bulimic and anorexic for 11 years and currently fighting for recovery. Some days I want it, some days (like today), I don't. It's this constant tug of war between my body and my mind which actually started long before the physical symptoms of starving and purging came into play. If you'd like to talk to someone who can relate, I'm here. Shoot me a message if you'd like, as I don't go on the message boards too much these days.

Jess

FaugHorn

ED (Eating Disorder)

Have you spoken to a professional? I have similar thoughts sometimes, i.e. I see ridiculously thin people and think Man...I want to look like that. But then I think about how sluggish I'd feel and I kinda like having a lady body or I think about how much better it would be to be ripped instead of uber-skinny and get back on track!

Having someone to talk to is probably the most important thing, and if people on here can't deal with it then it is their problem.

damcool

I'm sorry you're struggling right now. Although I don't have a problem with an eating disorder, my heart goes out to you. All I can think is that, if possible, you go to a therapist to see the underlying issues as to why you become obsessive about eating and being extremely thin. I can understand the tension between wanting to be healthy, but kind of excited about losing some lbs. I lost a bunch of weight without trying when I was 17 and was at an unhealthy weight, but was kind of glad I was so thin. I think there's been some posts on here where people talked about their own struggles with eating disorders. Try a search on ED and see what happens.

HollyLLillis

We all have our issues with weight, whether it's being extremly over weight or under weight, the mental pain we go through is the same... a lot of self loathing and lack of self esteem.... and so on... My sister struggled with anorexia for so many years, since I struggle with keeping my weight down I can't put myself in her shoes but I can be compationate and understanding that it isn't any different than my struggle. I don't have any earth shaking advice for you other than being a friend to listen and not judge...
take care!
:flowerforyou:

TiniTurtle

first off, ::hug:: second, have you called your therapist to explore these urges/thought processes? i'm glad you recognize these things enough in yourself & are in a place in your head that you can even express them & not just rationalize them off & get sick again ♥

MichelleB69

First of all, don't apologize for struggling...we ALL struggle with something food/weight related, otherwise we wouldn't be here at MFP.

I too, have fought an eating disorder since I was 16 (I'm 42 now) and understand how disheartening it can be when your head starts playing games with you again...it's such a mental roller coaster. Even though I am at the healthiest point, physically and mentally, right now, I am also painfully aware how quickly all my hard work can evaporate.

As with any eating disorder, I really think that 90% of the battle is remembering that it IS a part of your life that has to be managed...I don't believe that ED's are cured, they are managed effectively...whether that be with behavior modification, medication or a combination of the two. FINDING what works for you is the bugger...it's as individual as the person. It's also recognizing when the beast rears it's ugly head and knowing that your unhealthy thoughts are trying to derail your progress.

I'm not sure I was a whole lot of help; I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and that it CAN get better. ((hugs))

ETA: I just went to your profile and noticed that you have 2 sons on the spectrum. My 8 yo son is also, and I know what a full time job that can be, caring for him. Make sure that caring for yourself is a priority...because if you don't take care of yourself, you can't be as effective caring for your children. xxxooo

TubbsMcGee

www.prettythin.com

This has helped me in the past

Good luck with everything, and keep your chin up!

suzycreamcheese

ive had counselling before, and CBT and we did talk a lot about it but i didnt really think the reasons she seemed to assume it stemmed from, were always accurate, or they were part of the reason but not all of it. I seem to have so many different reasons for doing it.
I really dont think therapy would make me get over it as im scared to really get over it too. Maybe could have got more out of the therapy but although my therapist was wonderful in many ways, i just think this is too deep rooted. ive been doing it since i was 17 and im 35 now

alischaid

Hi Suzy,

I was Bulimic for about 16 years, although our EDs are different I can understand what you are trying to say. You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. I still think about purging, but only after I have eaten so fast that my brain hasn't received the message that I am full until it's too late. I suggest (and I know this is going to be very hard) throwing away your scale, and focus on getting FIT. I find that once I am in the mind set of getting fit, and eating right I forget about the ED because I know that I did not lose control - and maintaining control is what it's all about, right?

Ali

♥Faerie♥

www.prettythin.com

This has helped me in the past

Good luck with everything, and keep your chin up!

I have not been on there in forever!

And to the op.....All I can do is give you a hug, and say that you are not alone♥

polkataniec

The thing I never could anderstend with people with ED is that it all starts with trying to be slim to look great and atractive and then when it goes wacky and we dont eat healthy anymore,we get skinny to a point when we dont look great and atractive anymore....we achive something diffrent than what we started with.(skeleton like body is unatractive 99% guys will tell you...)So what gives?I know is sicological problem but If it was me I would rather mantain healthy myself than being under and unatractive...Be healthy for your kids...Wish you best of luck:)

MacguyverMommy

I am so sorry that you feel this way. I would be happy to talk with you, or just listen. Private message me if you want. I have a minor in Nutrition and have much experience dealing with ED. Keep your chin up!

jmruef

ive had counselling before, and CBT and we did talk a lot about it but i didnt really think the reasons she seemed to assume it stemmed from, were always accurate, or they were part of the reason but not all of it. I seem to have so many different reasons for doing it.
I really dont think therapy would make me get over it as im scared to really get over it too. Maybe could have got more out of the therapy but although my therapist was wonderful in many ways, i just think this is too deep rooted. ive been doing it since i was 17 and im 35 now

I've struggled with an eating disorder too - haven't for a few years now but I know the life. And I know what you mean by being scared to really get over it. ED takes up so much time and energy and strength that it isn't a way of life - it IS your life.

Have you ever heard the song "My Immortal" by Evanescense?
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
by your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

***
This is sort of my ED theme song. To me it describes the stranglehold ED had on me but also the one I had on ED. I was so afraid to get better...because if I got better I'd have to be different. I couldn't stay home and restrict, or binge and purge. I had to find somethine else to fill in all the time that ED was taking up - and that is scary as hell when you think of how much time an eating disorder takes.

It can be done. IT CAN BE DONE. I have not restricted, binged, or purged in (I think) 6 years.

You know the drill - you have to want it and all that other BS. This is more to let you know that people here do know what you're going through. If you want to add me as a friend please feel free. I won't EVER tell you (or anyone else for that matter) "Good job" for being under your daily calories, but I'll be a cheerleader in any other way I can.

maryhappy456

Hey friend!
hugs
I've struggled with ED for a few years...I'm younger than you are, but feel free to shoot me a message anytime and we can talk:)
best of luck to you...and know that you are absolutely not alone in this
it's also been really encouraging for me to find people on this site who have also struggled but overcome it!

Behavior_Modification

My ED is indeed much different than yours, but that's not my point. They are all mental illnesses. I know for myself I needed professional help. I call it my Intervention. There is no way I'd be doing as well as I am 16 months later without it. Has it gone away? No. Will it? No. All we can do is try to learn about it, learn from it, and try our best to get a healthier frame of mind.

Do not be angry with yourself. It is not your fault you feel this way. If you could change it, I know you would. We all would. Unfortunately, it isn't something that we can easily control. We have to relearn how to have a healthy relationship with food and our bodies.

If you're not up to getting professional help, the next best thing you can do is teach yourself about why you are the way you are. Go to the library and start reading. Read everything you can get your hands on that will teach you about the illness.

Remember, knowledge is power!