eating disorder woes :( dont read if easily triggered

iluvsparkles

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. It sounds kind of scary to me. I remember when I was a smoker, people would say, just stop. Yah, thanks for that. That was helpful. I can imagine something similar with you. Do people say just eat? As if that would be any kind of helpful.

Not sure HOW to be helpful. I cannot even say I understand. I know it must feel different for you than anyone who has not experienced can really understand.

But I do sincerely hope for your best health both physically and mentally.

people say "just eat' all the time. I wish it were that easy. I'm sure the OP gets it all the time too.

suzycreamcheese

thankyou so much for all your replies, its really helpful to just write it down sometimes and to know that other people understand.
I also had a bit of a chat to my boyfriend about it. Hes an ex self harmer so understands the self sabotage part of it well, and i feel a little bit more positive, although often i dont want to talk to him about it as i dont really want to upset or worry him. I
Sometimes i just feel so out of control its like i go into a frenzy and then i hate myself for it.

Tommorow will be better

thankyou x

TateFTW

thankyou so much for all your replies, its really helpful to just write it down sometimes and to know that other people understand.
I also had a bit of a chat to my boyfriend about it. Hes an ex self harmer so understands the self sabotage part of it well, and i feel a little bit more positive, although often i dont want to talk to him about it as i dont really want to upset or worry him. I
Sometimes i just feel so out of control its like i go into a frenzy and then i hate myself for it.

Tommorow will be better

thankyou x

It's a vicious circle, really. Many who suffer from disorders know that their feelings are irrational, which then makes it worse because they are frustrated that they can't "just" do what they know they are supposed to. It's also frutrating to know that your having so much trouble with something that other people don't have to worry about. That's why acceptance is so important.

MuchMovement

A cheer leader looks like a cheer leader because she devotes her time cheering.
A martial artist looks like a martial artist, because they are focused on the fundamentals of training.
My mom is a massage therapist, and looks it, because it's what she does 13 hours a day.
A person who is stagnate begins to look like a couch, because that is the activity they are focused on.


Use your confidence and strength to help continue to fuel the healthy love you have for yourself. Don't focus on the weight, focus on the activities... the body comes with the skills you learn and keep!

R4z0r4Mm0

For what it's worth - sending positive energy your way. :flowerforyou:

annarface

I'm like you too, the bottom end of the 'normal' weight for my height and I know if I lose anymore weight I'll be underweight, and I'm desperately trying to maintain and not lose... but I'm terrified if I eat I'll gain weight and it's just so time consuming and I can't think of anything else. I used to restrict my calories and am now eating a normal amount but it takes a lot of convincing to make myself eat enough. I normally end up restricting during the day then eating a lot at night because I tell myself I NEED to eat more and have to make up for eating less throughout the day.

I've never had trouble with purging or binging, but since I've been trying to maintain I sort of have controlled planned 'binges' (not real binges but where I eat a lot when I'm full because I make myself) so I can fit the calories in and I don't think it's good for me.

It just feels as if I'm going to spend the rest of my life obsessing over calories and what I can and can't eat and it sucks. ):

RosannaElizabethL

<3s to you.

cowlover22

Honestly I have been through hell and back with my ed. Had it for over 20 years and if I would have realized back then where I would be today I would have gotten help a long time ago. As your weight gets lower and lower the thoughts will become more and more intense and harder to control. I cant tell you had bad this disease has screwed my life up..almost died 2 times can only work part time (b/c of my weight) am so tired that I couldnt even exercise if I tried. Please try and gets some help now, because it becomes very addictive as you can see. You think loss weight + feel good about myself, but you know what....there is never a weight that will make you happy no matter how low you get and it just keeps getting worse. Good luck

Losingitin2011

to you.

Food issues are really hard. It is so hard when people think that we are intentionally viewing ourselves differently than they are. It is so frustrating to hear "just eat something" when you're not hungry. It is so discouraging to be intelligent enough to know that you've got a problem, but not the know-how to fix it completely. You're not alone, and tomorrow WILL be better.

lylithblueeyes

webiteback.com. It is a pro-recovery forum, everyone there is super nice. I got tired of prettythin because it got to be a bunch of arguing and drama.

Your_Choose_HERE

http://1b3a4xmisk1smy7qmanlvr9o58.hop.clickbank.net/?tid=IM

grimnir

I know it's really tough to deal with eating disorders. I've had bingeing issues since I was just a kid, though it always came and went in cycles (like gain 100 lbs in two years, which I've done three times). I've been pretty good about managing it for the last five or six years, but I still eat ridiculously much sometimes. Dieting isn't particularly bad for me, but when left to my own devices outside a regimen, bingeing is always a threat. Every once in a while is not so bad, but when it starts to become a habit, that's when I start to really lose control. What's changed for me since my early 20s is my ability to get it back under control when I'm really slipping. I've been able to avoid gaining significant weight for 6 years now, and have not changed pant size for four years.

Now, this might sound like some new age hippie bull****, but one of the things that really helped me was taking hallucinogens. For this sort of issue I particularly recommend LSD, as it can often have an extremely powerful cathartic effect. Obviously you can take it recreationally (which I don't really enjoy outside of very particular situations and states of mind), but if you're looking for a therapeutic trip, you need a safe space and someone sober you can trust and respect, who will be absolutely non-judgemental with you, and show you kindness and care without a heavy concern trip, who can help you relax and turn it around if you start down a bad path, bring you back to feeling safe. After you've taken it, lie down and relax, close your eyes and think about your life and your issues. The other person is there mostly just as a sounding board and safety net as much as anything. The more you focus on your life during your trip, the more therapeutic benefit you can get from it.

I don't know that it would be more or less helpful for you than seeking therapy, but I will say that my first acid trip was the single-most cathartic and life-altering experience of my life, that helped me grow as a person enormously. It just happened that these set and setting traits as I've described them all came together that night, which directly led to it being such a powerful growth experience, but there's a reason researchers have been coming back around to working with hallucinogen therapy in this same way I've described here. If you can't afford regular therapy, this is pretty much the only under $10 suggestion that has ever made a difference for me.

Just don't take it if you have ANY history of schizophrenia, you should be fine. Hallucinogens often trigger underlying schizophrenia, or make existing symptoms worse. It's not really dangerous for other mental illnesses, mostly just that one. If I had to describe the experience, I'd say it's as if your personality was the culmination of your life experiences, and then you took all the events of your life, the ones you can remember and make up a big part of how you think about yourself, and also all the ones you haven't thought about in years, and you threw them up in the air over eight hours, and they all fell back into place in a different order. That's where the catharsis comes from, this seeing yourself in a completely different way. After my first trip, I had such incredible empathy for people, it was like I was psychic, I had no problem being just incredibly honest and real with people, it was world-changing for me. YMMV.

suzycreamcheese

now thats the sort of therapy i like the sound of :laugh:

nah seriously, id be a bit worried about taking lsd when im not necessarily in a great frame of mind to begin with. I know from exeprience that can go either way.

I really appreciate everyone taking the tme to reply and give me some support, im so touched, and if today is anything to go by, im going to try and make some changes. I do realise ive felt this way before though and im not kidding myself the battle is over, but im feeling a lot more positive today

doramouse

Hugs to and for you - so sorry you are struggling. As you wrote above -tomorrow is another day.
I too have things that I struggle with that I can't always control - even though I want to. It's weird how your mind will trick and fool you - especially when it is your mind!
You have support here and I'd be happy to "friend" you and offer what support I can.
Hang in there - (which is lame to say) but I wanted to reach out and say you are so strong for asking for help.

Cadenpet

Sending positive vibes your way. And glad your boyfriend is supportive. MFP peoples are great but you need someone solid and physical. Just take it one day at a time.

Life0nMars86

Meh, screw my fears of disappointing more people with any more ED stuff.

I needed to come here and just say how proud I am of you for having the courage to reach out on here about this. :flowerforyou:

I you Abbie! I think our convos have helped both of us from time to time, and I appreciate having some1 to talk to who understands. I know you can get through this, WE can get through this, with patience and hard work.

xoxo

grimnir

There's another hallucinogen therapy that's perhaps the most powerful and helpful of all of them, but it's absolutely not something you can do on your own with a loved one for a couple bucks. Do a google search for ibogaine therapy. In short, it's an entire day where you go through the worst trip of your life, confronting absolutely every bad thing in your life. And when you come out the other side, you're healed. It's most popular for treating heroin addiction, but it's also been shown to be extremely effective for alcohol and opiates, as well as meth, coke, and other drugs, in addition to chronic depression, ocd, ptsd, and related conditions involving habits and compulsions, which includes eating disorders. One of the most fascinating things they've found out about the iboga root is that it actually blocks the receptors that opiates use for over a week, so you skip the withdrawals entirely. It's getting pretty rare and expensive (it's been over-harvested where it grows in west africa, as treatment centers have been popping up all over the place in the last decade), and obviously like all other powerful healing plants it's illegal in the US, despite having ZERO recreational use (it is pretty much COMPLETELY unenjoyable for the main part of the trip, the first 8-12 hours, from what I hear, though it shifts into something much more positive after that), and it's a pretty complex process, so you really ought to have experts administering it. I don't know if I would take it myself, but it's certainly interesting to hear about, all the stories of people I've met who used it, and there's something undeniably tempting about facing down your demons like that. Unlike a lot of hallucinogens, where you talk to people who've done them a lot and they seem kind of spacey and new agey from talking to machine elves about universal love all the time or whatever, people who've taken iboga for addictions seem extremely grounded and real, it's a very different sort of thing, like they seem very much themselves, and comfortable with that. Fascinating stuff, imo. Makes you wonder what psychiatry will look like in 100 years, right?

cowlover22

Just my thought.....stay away from the drugs!! They are illegal for a reason. I think it is fine if they work for you but to suggest that to someone without knowing their whole frame of mind id utter stupidity. What if the person was depressed and killed themselves after using drugs how would that make you feel? The whole point of MFP if to be healthy in a healthy way. I really cant believe you posted something about using drugs not one time but 2! I know most wont agree with me but I wasnt going to sit here and stew without putting in my 2 cents...not that they matter but.............

melzteach

ive had counselling before, and CBT and we did talk a lot about it but i didnt really think the reasons she seemed to assume it stemmed from, were always accurate, or they were part of the reason but not all of it. I seem to have so many different reasons for doing it.
I really dont think therapy would make me get over it as im scared to really get over it too. Maybe could have got more out of the therapy but although my therapist was wonderful in many ways, i just think this is too deep rooted. ive been doing it since i was 17 and im 35 now

First of all, good you for acknowledging and admitting you're having a problem. Second, I think that because this has been going on for 18 years you really might need the help of an outpatient program that can help you begin healthy eating habits and address the deep rooted issues you're having.

(((hugs)))

mk820

I agree. The drug talk is A**inine!

grimnir

I stand behind my posts, as they were carefully considered and are based on in-depth study of the subject. Hallucinogens are illegal for a reason, but it's not at all because they have no medical use, and even the most cursory study of the literature will reveal that. There are hundreds, perhaps even thousands of licensed psychologists and psychiatrists who secretly administer hallucinogens and/or MDMA for therapeutic purposes, backed up by the evidence and according to established best practices developed through many excellent studies and in some cases literally thousands of years of traditional medicine. I made my suggestions for how to make it safe and effective according to best therapeutic practices, as developed by actual doctors.

Also, I didn't at all recommend ibogaine, I just mentioned it because I think it's genuinely fascinating, and I absolutely recommend that people should only take it under the care of an experienced professional. Iboga is legal in Mexico and many other countries around the world, and is well known as a successful treatment for addictions in those countries.

Incidentally, hallucinogen therapy (specifically psilocybin mushrooms and LSD) is most frequently prescribed for severe depression and end-of-life issues, so I don't really see why I should have any fear about someone killing themselves as a result, or how it would in any way be my fault. It's legitimate and safe medicine, and I made responsible suggestions about it, legal or not. Would you have similar concerns about suggesting getting onto SSRIs that actually HAVE been shown to lead to increased suicide rates? I seriously doubt it. Your position is not one rooted in science, but is a fear reaction based on propaganda and the fact that natural medicines lack the marketing dollars that morally corrupt drug companies can bring to bear.

My point is that just because the US keeps this stuff illegal doesn't mean that there's good evidence supporting that policy. This is medicine, and it should be regulated accordingly, and there is no reason we should be irrationally afraid of it just because it was made illegal by an unelected body, against the recommendations of the actual experts, for blatantly political reasons.

Anyway, I'm not interested in hijacking the thread to talk about the drug war or plant medicines any further, but you should understand that I do not and have not taken the subject lightly or made irresponsible or uninformed recommendations.

Just my thought.....stay away from the drugs!! They are illegal for a reason. I think it is fine if they work for you but to suggest that to someone without knowing their whole frame of mind id utter stupidity. What if the person was depressed and killed themselves after using drugs how would that make you feel? The whole point of MFP if to be healthy in a healthy way. I really cant believe you posted something about using drugs not one time but 2! I know most wont agree with me but I wasnt going to sit here and stew without putting in my 2 cents...not that they matter but.............

Megooo19

I don't know your exact circumstances but If your not willing to give therapy another go then maybe you could start by setting your goals to something different. I know that eating disorders are extremely dangerous disorders and congrats to you for being strong enough to talk about these things on a forum like this. Possibly you could take up a new sport? I think focusing on how amazing your body is and knowing how hard it can work could maybe help you with your relationship with food and maybe it will become more of a working relationship instead of a love hate type thing. Also, maybe get rid of your scale? If you at a healthy weight obsessing over the number on that dang machine wont do you any good. Good luck!

Rhondast

As with any eating disorder, I really think that 90% of the battle is remembering that it IS a part of your life that has to be managed...I don't believe that ED's are cured, they are managed effectively...whether that be with behavior modification, medication or a combination of the two. FINDING what works for you is the bugger...it's as individual as the person. It's also recognizing when the beast rears it's ugly head and knowing that your unhealthy thoughts are trying to derail your progress.

I couldn't agree more with this paragraph. :flowerforyou:

They aren't cured, not really. The minute something triggers them...ka-pow.

Rhondast

The thing I never could anderstend with people with ED is that it all starts with trying to be slim to look great and atractive and then when it goes wacky and we dont eat healthy anymore,we get skinny to a point when we dont look great and atractive anymore....we achive something diffrent than what we started with.(skeleton like body is unatractive 99% guys will tell you...)So what gives?I know is sicological problem but If it was me I would rather mantain healthy myself than being under and unatractive...Be healthy for your kids...Wish you best of luck:)

You are obviously very misinformed about ED's and the way you talk about it makes it seem like you think it is an easy thing to recover from. Do you not understand that we don't see the same person in the mirror that you see?

That's not true about society. It's something that is deep inside the brain.I am 49, and when I diet seriously, I get thin (which I intend to this time). I want to be a size 9 (I went from a size 16 to a size 11 last year in a couple of months on HCG.)I usu I want to be a size 9, then a size 7, then a size 5. I do weigh more than I should, I am 5 foot tall, and I want a BMI of 28, then 25, then 22, then 19, then 17. I've been a nurse for 18 years, and I did very very well during the ED part of the class. The thing is, I am at a size 11, but I see myself in the mirror, differently. When I'm dieting, I'm at my worse. It's not a society thing, and sometimes, cure wise, ugh, doesn't happen. Cause it's burried in the subconscious, somewhere.

What helps me is my own Akashic Record Readings, and my reiki, and my friend's reiki drumming. ED's effect any age. ED's can make people obese, or Ana. People with Ana can can weigh 300 pounds.

sd892310

Hi,

I don't have much advice to offer as i have BDD and have battled ED's since the age of 11 and i am currently waiting for my first appointment to try and get me back on track. I have gone from bulemic to overweight to bulemic/anorexic, to binging and the cycle continues, all i know is everytime i see the scale drop i am elated and want to get that bit lower or i see the scale rise i go on a mad calorie cut.

All i can say is that i am here for you for support if you want it and maybe we can help each other to get through this.

I think you are such a brave and strong person for posting this on here and you are definately taking the right steps forward with this.

Sending big hugs to you :flowerforyou:

cowlover22

Glad to see that everybody at least realizes they have a problem and are willing to work on it. As for myself it isnt a matter of getting rid of the scale or finding a hobby. My ED has taken all my hobbies away, all of my friends and pretty much I am allowing it to ruin my life. I am a nurse and the one thing I love the most is to work..I dont complain about my job..I love it, but because of my ED I am only allowed to work 4 hour shifts. Now since I live alone and that is my only income you would think it would be an easy decision. But I have been doing it for a year now. After I got out of the hospital I went back to work and lost a lot..fast..hence 4 hour shifts. But what people dont understand and research is just finding this out is: when your weight drops below a certain point the chemicals in your brain change which make those thoughts more invasive. I find this to be true..the lower my weight gets the more the thoughtys are there. Now I didnt say that was an excuse. lol but it is a constant battle in my head challenging myself....Like I need to stick to my meal plan, but then I start to think..well maybe a little less here wont hurt and so forth. I've struggled with this most of my life, been in therapy, in hospitals, had it affect my health but yet it is still here. But I also do things like..I dont weigh my self I eat meals at my brothers house because I know he will make me eat(and that is what I need) dont miss my appts with my therapist and most of all I havent given up
Think it is great to support one another because that really does help. Sorry so long winded but for those of you who are early on in your disease I urge you to fight it because I know what it has done to me. I must be part cat and have 9 lives or something

Oh yeah if you tried therapy in the past and it didnt work maybe try a different therapist or join a support group