Controversial topic...just looking for open minded peeps...
rubenesquegoddess
Posts: 9
Hey...I am Calliope...and (gulp) I am a somewhat happily married bisexual woman. Married to a man that I met and fell in love with in college. I am looking for others in my situations. I am having a crisis and need any support I can get (not not mention weight loss support-I am an emotional eater an am having a hell of time right now :sad: ). I am scared of all of the emotions going on in my head and heart right now. Please be gentle, I am not looking for a debate. I was born this way, and have known it since I was a kid. I am wanting to not be with the person I am with now, I feel like I am missing out on something, that I am never have the chance to find again. Yet, he is my soul mate and I love him. How do I come to turns with doing the right thing and not being happy or hurting the one I love, but yet following my true nature (I am more gay than bi). Any help would be appreciated...no religious debates please, I deal with that internally everyday! :flowerforyou:
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Replies
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Hun, I understand you are going through a lot, but I don't think this is the appropriate place to discuss such a thing...0
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First, you need to tell your husband how you are feeling. Second, maybe look into couples therapy. Someone is going to get hurt. Feel free to add me. I don't judge
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Well, men and women of all sexual orientations have been through this. They love their spouse, but feel like they're missing out on something. It's the "grass is always greener" syndrome. Sometimes we think it's our spouse, and it turns out, we're really just bored with ourselves. Yes, I went there!
You love your husband, and I presume that he also loves you. Love implies a certain amount of trust and being able to talk to each other honestly. Have you spoken with him about your feelings? Sometimes, jus talking it out with your spouse can lead you in the correct path.0 -
I have to agree with Tina that this is not the appropriate place to discuss this. There are excellent forums on the net that may have people who are in a similar situation who could offer a good perspective.
But honestly....talk to your partner. That's where you'll find out what options actually are.0 -
If you truly think he is your soul mate, I would suggest being very careful about throwing that away. Many of my friends have fallen into the same trap, broken up with their partner, onlt to find that there isn't really anything 'out there' that they're missing out on. As someone who is pretty much always single, I have never found the love and acceptance you have, and it's all I want. In my (and my friends') experience, the thing that you think you're missing out on is usually just people who are searching for what you already have.0
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You're married, that means monogamy and so being straight or bisexual doesn't matter. I'm married to a man but I'm not straight I'm bi too. I made a commitment to my husband and that's the end of it for any other people.
I agree whole heartedl!! I committed to him long time ago, and he knows about my struggles...they just get too much to bear sometimes. I think my stress eating comes from my internal struggles. I agree with others about counseling...if I could only get him to go, it would make life so much less stressful. Work in progress. I do talk to him all the time. I thought this was a support forum, but not sure if it is the type of support that it is meant for. It directly ties into my unhealthy eating and lack of exercise because of the depression and stress. I do appreciate all of the comments...I don't expect to anyone to sugar coat anything, in fact I feel like the honest truth is the best way to go, no matter if it stings....
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You need to be honest with him. You can't decide for him. He needs to make his own decision. There is nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual. It is wrong to mislead someone that you say you care for.
And look at the bright side. He may be cool with the whole concept of sharing you with another woman.0 -
Go to counseling alone, marriage counseling can be done with just you, and if he sees you going maybe he will join in.0
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Oh, and my intentions are not to leave my husband...that is not what I got married for...I'm in it for the long run....for better and worse and everything...I just wonder if I chose the right path in the first place.0
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You need to be honest with him. You can't decide for him. He needs to make his own decision. There is nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual. It is wrong to mislead someone that you say you care for.
And look at the bright side. He may be cool with the whole concept of sharing you with another woman.
He might be, but I am definitely not. I believe in straight up monogamy :drinker:0 -
Go to counseling alone, marriage counseling can be done with just you, and if he sees you going maybe he will join in.
I second this!! Great idea,
And to those who say this is inappropriate...she clearly stated that this is contributing to emotional eating so it is on topic. Besides, have you seen some of the threads on these boards!? I don't see anything wrong with this thread since she is struggling in her life and needs support with her eating/life.0 -
Oh, and my intentions are not to leave my husband...that is not what I got married for...I'm in it for the long run....for better and worse and everything...I just wonder if I chose the right path in the first place.
"What if" is a dangerous game to play. You never know the true outcome for any 'what if' situation. Did you make the right choice? Yes, you did. It's obviously the right choice because you're there now and you both love each other dearly. Stop playing 'what if.'
The 'what if' game will destroy even the strongest of marriages.0 -
Whether it's another man or another woman you are possibly interested in, gotta let him know how you are feeling. Being able to communicate is one of the most important things in a relationship. I agree with what someone else said about monogamy, but that doesn't mean you both should be unhappy. Just work out the issues FIRST.0
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You're married, that means monogamy and so being straight or bisexual doesn't matter. I'm married to a man but I'm not straight I'm bi too. I made a commitment to my husband and that's the end of it for any other people.
?? Since when does marriage mean monogamy? Not for everybody! Not by a long shot.0 -
You're married, that means monogamy and so being straight or bisexual doesn't matter. I'm married to a man but I'm not straight I'm bi too. I made a commitment to my husband and that's the end of it for any other people.
?? Since when does marriage mean monogamy? Not for everybody! Not by a long shot.
Very true! Some people aren't into that whole monogamy thing!0 -
That I totally agree with!! And, thank you for your honestly. I like this board already, lots of differing opinions...which is better than any "cookie" cutter" place I've been on before!Oh, and my intentions are not to leave my husband...that is not what I got married for...I'm in it for the long run....for better and worse and everything...I just wonder if I chose the right path in the first place.
"What if" is a dangerous game to play. You never know the true outcome for any 'what if' situation. Did you make the right choice? Yes, you did. It's obviously the right choice because you're there now and you both love each other dearly. Stop playing 'what if.'
The 'what if' game will destroy even the strongest of marriages.0 -
You're married, that means monogamy and so being straight or bisexual doesn't matter. I'm married to a man but I'm not straight I'm bi too. I made a commitment to my husband and that's the end of it for any other people.
?? Since when does marriage mean monogamy? Not for everybody! Not by a long shot.
Very true! Some people aren't into that whole monogamy thing!
But she is0 -
Lots of my friends share this exact sentiment...I don't, but to each his/her own. The animal kingdom, and there are exceptions, also behave in this manner, monogamy is for the most part a human trait. And if you look at the divorce rate in this country, it seems that a lot of people are not in it for the long haul like they used to be!!You're married, that means monogamy and so being straight or bisexual doesn't matter. I'm married to a man but I'm not straight I'm bi too. I made a commitment to my husband and that's the end of it for any other people.
?? Since when does marriage mean monogamy? Not for everybody! Not by a long shot.
Very true! Some people aren't into that whole monogamy thing!0 -
Lots of my friends share this exact sentiment...I don't, but to each his/her own. The animal kingdom, and there are exceptions, also behave in this manner, monogamy is for the most part a human trait. And if you look at the divorce rate in this country, it seems that a lot of people are not in it for the long haul like they used to be!!You're married, that means monogamy and so being straight or bisexual doesn't matter. I'm married to a man but I'm not straight I'm bi too. I made a commitment to my husband and that's the end of it for any other people.
?? Since when does marriage mean monogamy? Not for everybody! Not by a long shot.
Very true! Some people aren't into that whole monogamy thing!
Well options are certainly not as clearcut as monogamy V. divorce. There is a cultural change afoot, I swear it. You should read the NYT article about Dan Savage today.
Anyway, I'm off topic, good luck!0 -
Lots of my friends share this exact sentiment...I don't, but to each his/her own. The animal kingdom, and there are exceptions, also behave in this manner, monogamy is for the most part a human trait. And if you look at the divorce rate in this country, it seems that a lot of people are not in it for the long haul like they used to be!!You're married, that means monogamy and so being straight or bisexual doesn't matter. I'm married to a man but I'm not straight I'm bi too. I made a commitment to my husband and that's the end of it for any other people.
?? Since when does marriage mean monogamy? Not for everybody! Not by a long shot.
Very true! Some people aren't into that whole monogamy thing!
Well options are certainly not as clearcut as monogamy V. divorce. There is a cultural change afoot, I swear it. You should read the NYT article about Dan Savage today.
Anyway, I'm off topic, good luck!
Will do!!0 -
Lots of my friends share this exact sentiment...I don't, but to each his/her own. The animal kingdom, and there are exceptions, also behave in this manner, monogamy is for the most part a human trait. And if you look at the divorce rate in this country, it seems that a lot of people are not in it for the long haul like they used to be!!You're married, that means monogamy and so being straight or bisexual doesn't matter. I'm married to a man but I'm not straight I'm bi too. I made a commitment to my husband and that's the end of it for any other people.
?? Since when does marriage mean monogamy? Not for everybody! Not by a long shot.
Very true! Some people aren't into that whole monogamy thing!
Well options are certainly not as clearcut as monogamy V. divorce. There is a cultural change afoot, I swear it. You should read the NYT article about Dan Savage today.
Anyway, I'm off topic, good luck!
Read it and agree...thanks so much for the link...not all are going to understand this point of view, but we are all individuals here....which makes this community an amazing place to be!!0 -
Well it's not just the fact this really isn't an appropriate place for that but talking about it here won't help like it would if you went to therapy or something like that , wish you well0
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I was once married to my very best friend who happened to be a guy, he was a soul mate and that did not change that I was a *kitten*, not even a little bit bi. Honesty, counseling and authenticity were absolutely necessary. I wanted to please my family, my community, my church and avoid dealing with my orientation for as long as possible. I told him what I understood of myself which in my twenties was very little.
Who would volunteer for the discrimination, violence and even murder that one may become the victim of for being 'out'?! It took years of therapy to heal what the religious right did in the name of religion to my inner child's heart. I've been totally 'out' for 17 years now. I got to remain best friends with my former spouse. He got to live his happily ever after with a beautiful woman. I got to become a wholly authentic and powerful person in my own right.
I could not have addressed my eating/weight/fitness issues without dealing simultaneously with sexual orientation, living in a homophobic country where legally I am a second class citizen, where my daughter doesn't even receive the same protections under the law because as her mom, I am gay.
Note: NO ONE has the right to tell the OP that her posts are inappropriate except the forum moderators. Reading the forum guidelines, I see nothing in our community standards that prohibits her posts, subject matter or request for support. These are support forums and I as a queer woman need and offer support here daily. I might know a thing or two about being queer, weight loss and fitness challenges...doubt me, take a look at my ticker, or friend me and have a look at my profile.
Whatever your orientation, sex, body image and orientation are inextricably linked. Thanks to all those who offered support to the OP. If you're dealing with sexual orientation as a health/wellness/fitness issue, please feel free to friend me and put LGBT or 'questioning' in the message.0 -
I was once married to my very best friend who happened to be a guy, he was a soul mate and that did not change that I was a *kitten*, not even a little bit bi. Honesty, counseling and authenticity were absolutely necessary. I wanted to please my family, my community, my church and avoid dealing with my orientation for as long as possible. I told him what I understood of myself which in my twenties was very little.
Who would volunteer for the discrimination, violence and even murder that one may become the victim of for being 'out'?! It took years of therapy to heal what the religious right did in the name of religion to my inner child's heart. I've been totally 'out' for 17 years now. I got to remain best friends with my former spouse. He got to live his happily ever after with a beautiful woman. I got to become a wholly authentic and powerful person in my own right.
I could not have addressed my eating/weight/fitness issues without dealing simultaneously with sexual orientation, living in a homophobic country where legally I am a second class citizen, where my daughter doesn't even receive the same protections under the law because as her mom, I am gay.
Note: NO ONE has the right to tell the OP that her posts are inappropriate except the forum moderators. Reading the forum guidelines, I see nothing in our community standards that prohibits her posts, subject matter or request for support. These are support forums and I as a queer woman need and offer support here daily. I might know a thing or two about being queer, weight loss and fitness challenges...doubt me, take a look at my ticker, or friend me and have a look at my profile.
Whatever your orientation, sex, body image and orientation are inextricably linked. Thanks to all those who offered support to the OP. If you're dealing with sexual orientation as a health/wellness/fitness issue, please feel free to friend me and put LGBT or 'questioning' in the message.
I wish there was a 'like' button.0 -
My only advice is to be true to yourself!
There is no dress rehearsal in life!
If you are not honest with yourself and put yourself first then it is difficult to move forward with another.
Someone will get hurt, unfortunately that is part of life and part of growing. Not at all easy and nothing to take lightly.
As my mother instilled in me " Live your life so you never ask yourself "What if". "
Best of luck to you.
Karen0 -
I was once married to my very best friend who happened to be a guy, he was a soul mate and that did not change that I was a *kitten*, not even a little bit bi. Honesty, counseling and authenticity were absolutely necessary. I wanted to please my family, my community, my church and avoid dealing with my orientation for as long as possible. I told him what I understood of myself which in my twenties was very little.
Who would volunteer for the discrimination, violence and even murder that one may become the victim of for being 'out'?! It took years of therapy to heal what the religious right did in the name of religion to my inner child's heart. I've been totally 'out' for 17 years now. I got to remain best friends with my former spouse. He got to live his happily ever after with a beautiful woman. I got to become a wholly authentic and powerful person in my own right.
I could not have addressed my eating/weight/fitness issues without dealing simultaneously with sexual orientation, living in a homophobic country where legally I am a second class citizen, where my daughter doesn't even receive the same protections under the law because as her mom, I am gay.
Note: NO ONE has the right to tell the OP that her posts are inappropriate except the forum moderators. Reading the forum guidelines, I see nothing in our community standards that prohibits her posts, subject matter or request for support. These are support forums and I as a queer woman need and offer support here daily. I might know a thing or two about being queer, weight loss and fitness challenges...doubt me, take a look at my ticker, or friend me and have a look at my profile.
Whatever your orientation, sex, body image and orientation are inextricably linked. Thanks to all those who offered support to the OP. If you're dealing with sexual orientation as a health/wellness/fitness issue, please feel free to friend me and put LGBT or 'questioning' in the message.
I wish there was a 'like' button.
I agree with this too. There have been plenty of posts about cheating husbands or abusive relationships that all directly relate to weight loss struggles. We have no idea what "triggers" another person struggles. Just because this has to do with someones sexual orientation does not mean this in inappropriate.
I wish you all the luck and strength in the world. My very best friend is more gay than straight and also married to her best friend that happens to be a man. They have figured out an arrangement that works for them, but she still struggles for acceptance from herself everyday. I def. suggest counseling at least for yourself. The gift of therapy may be the greatest gift you ever give yourself. A safe place for self reflection is sometimes what we need to get our thoughts in order and see that what we already have is exactly what we really need.0 -
How is this not the right place for this, but it is the right place for people to talk about their problems at work, ask for help winning contests, b*tch about their husbands, b*tch about the way people spell the word lose. So all thats cool but not her issue?0
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My only advice is to be true to yourself!
There is no dress rehearsal in life!
If you are not honest with yourself and put yourself first then it is difficult to move forward with another.
Someone will get hurt, unfortunately that is part of life and part of growing. Not at all easy and nothing to take lightly.
As my mother instilled in me " Live your life so you never ask yourself "What if". "
Best of luck to you.
Karen
Good answer!0 -
Be true to yourself.
you are in a hard place and dont envy you. The end of that day there is NOTHING wrong with you! and should not be made to feel bad or guilty in anyway...........
you do, however, need to have support and help to allow you to live your life the way that you want x
good luck0
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