Not meaning to offend any obese people, but...

LauraMarie37

what was it that made you REALLY change (not just resolve to eat healthier/exercise, but then give up after a few days)?

My husband and I have a very good friend (he was in our wedding party and my husband has known him since they were 14) who is dangerously obese. He is 6’2" or 6’3”, so he can carry a lot before he even looks fat, but he has to be at least 500 pounds now. (He told my husband when he was at 400 and has gained a lot of weight since then.)

He was super short and fairly thin when he was 14, then suddenly grew over a foot and a half in less than two years and put on a lot of weight after he stopped growing. Our guess is that he adjusted to eating a lot more to support his growth spurt and then never switched back.

In college, he lost about 150 pounds with the help of a personal trainer.

Then, his junior year of college, his mom died very suddenly. His dad had already walked out when he was 2 and he has no siblings or close relatives, so he was basically left alone. He got very very depressed (who wouldn't?) and gained all the weight back plus at least another 150 pounds or so. He is now a writer for a well know cultural institution in Chicago, but that means that he spends a lot of time alone at home writing - or, if he's not under contract, not doing much of anything.

My husband and his best friend are this guy's closest friends. They have tried to encourage him to workout with them (my husband once was also close to obese, so it's not like they are personal trainers or anything), but he says that it's boring to him. They think that because this guy really respects me and thinks I'm smart, if I tell encourage him to lose weight, maybe he will listen to me. But I know it's got to come from him. I know he has to be aware he's seriously putting his health at risk - I just don't know what I or anyone else can say that can really get him to change.

Anyone who's been there - what did it for you? Is there anything that very concerned close friends can do? Or will he just change when he makes up his own mind, in his own time? What if that never happens, or happens too late to repair some of the damage to his body?

anthony438

For me, it was having a kid, hitting 30, and weighing over 300 lbs in the span of a week.

I can only imagine that the trigger will be different from person to person. You can't make him want it.

DanaKinzer

For me, I went to the end of my driveway to check the mail, and was out of breath. That was followed up by a dream that informed me if I didn't change my weight and health habits NOW, I would be dead in less than two years. I kinda like this whole living thing and am not ready to die at this point. So yeah. I got to it. A month later, I'm still trying!

Cdcaldwe

I am not sure if there is anything that you can say to somone to convince them to start. I woke up one morning got on the scale and said to myself this is ridiculous. I was disgusted with myself and that morning I started making the effort. I guess you could approach it like a drug intervention, I was in the same type of boat i was just addicted to food. The more i think about it food was what i used when i was stressed, happy, sad....etc. It was killing me slowly. Now I am already doing things I haven't done in years.


Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

Pandorian

For me.. once I saw 300 I thought that was it... but nope I got to 314 started with a dietitian and 2 years later had still put on another 16 lbs...

It was shopping for pants for a work event, and when I had to buy 54's to get something that "fit" around but still looked like clown pants.. I apparently carry my weight in different areas than 'the average' guy that wears that size of pants. That was the final straw for me, and I started on here and got losing, just last month I bought my newest to me pants in a 46" waist. Down from December.

AnaNotBanana

I think that most people are well meaning by wanting to say something to encourage someone to lose weight but until you are ready to do it for yourself it's kind of pointless. I think at this point all you can do is tell me that he means a lot to you and that are worried for his health. But also remember you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

EmBlazes

Agree with anthony438 - he probably needs to come to his own conclusions as much as you would like to help him. For me it was health problems and I have heard a lot of people who seem relatively healthy getting a big shock when they go to the doctor and are suddenly told they have diabetes or heart disease or something.

skylar1907

I was never morbidly obese. However, I can say that for me, while I always tried to lose weight to fit into smaller clothes or feel more comfortable around friends, it wasn't truly until my passions and my weight didn't get along that I stepped to plate and changed things.

I LOVE horses. They are my passion. Riding is what wakes me up in the morning. When I realized I was close to being too heavy for my horse, and I couldn't ride was well as people lighter than me (no matter how hard I worked at it) I realized my weight had become a road block. And... because I was finally able to pursue my passion no-holes barred, I said 'I'm losing this extra weight'. I'm about 3 months and 10 days in and I've lost 31lbs. I've got 70 total to lose. And I'm going to do this because my passion is driving me every single day.

If your friend has a passion, that is the biggest motivator, in my opinion. But then again, I never had friends who cared/worried enough to encourage me to lose weight with them either. So maybe a talk with you and a cold hard look in the mirror are all he'll need. Never hurts to try.

jpeebs88

There's nothing you can say or do to anyone to convince them that they need to get healthier. It has to be their choice at a time that is right for them.

ladyerin79

I have heard everything from "You're committing slow suicide", "You're going to die at 27 years old", "We want you to be happy", and "You're going to leave your kids without a mother". I think that last one did it for me since I love my kids more than life itself... but to be honest, nothing else anyone had to say really sunk in for me. I just had to decide for myself. There are a lot of people who aren't willing to change because they accept themselves as they are. And I believe that it's up to them. If they're happy or unwilling to change, then pressuring them may cause damage to your friendship.

Brandicaloriecountess

For friend will really have to want to make the changes for himself. For me it was a pciture of myself that got it going. But even now I cannot explain why it worked this time. I have tried many times and wanted it just as much, but it didn't click.

ChantalGG

Some people turn to drugs or alcohol and others, like myself, turn to food. How is that hard to understand?

SecretlyBatwoman

If someone, even someone I really loved, had told me I needed to lose weight, I'd have probably told them to drop dead. I had to make this decision on my own and do it all on my own. I didn't even tell anyone until I had lost half the weight I wanted to. I still tell people to eat dirt when they try to give me "diet" advice.

mirna_ayala0428

Unfortunately, it seems that just like an drug addict, we have to hit the bottom. I went to the hospital a couple of times because of high blood pressure and because I thought I was having heart problems.

I've tried several times before and given up. Lost motivation, whatever you want to call it.

This year my sister said she was getting married and what started out as losing some weight for her wedding has become someting that I have stuck with for 7 months. That's not to say that I've had my moments where I've fallen off the wagon but I'm sticking it out and trying to reach my goals.

Each person is different. You can encourage but the ultimate decision has to come from him. Hopefully he will not wait until it's too late.

ColoradoRobin

He has to want to do it. What you can do is try to convince him that he has a reason to want to be healthier. Make sure he understands that you as friends care about him and want him to continue to be a part of your lives for as long as possible. Let him know you are concerned that his weight might be making him less healthy. Help him feel that he is not alone, and that he has people who care about him. If he does want to try losing weight, ask him what you can do to support his efforts, whether it's accountability, exercising together, or morale support. Good luck.

ukhennin

Yeah, you can't change another person, no matter how hard you try. But honestly, it sounds like he has some deep issues that need to be dealt with before he'll acknowledge the weight issue. I'd honestly suggest counseling before losing weight.

VeganGal84

For me, it had to come from within. I was sick of the yo-yo that my weight had become. I was ready to lose it for good and to keep it off forever. No one could have helped me to see that but myself.

MYOWLJ is the best advice that I've heard for these situations (Mind Your Own Weight Loss Journey). ;-) He'll get help and/or lose weight when he's ready to. Just be there for him if/when he asks for your support or input, because it's a long road, and having supportive friends and family has been very important for me.

Skeith5

I have struggled with weight ever since High School. I have lost weight a couple times (only to gain it back later...). As weird as it may sound my motivation to change my eating habits and lifestyle (instead of just dieting) was watching the show extreme makeover: weight loss edition, which is available on Hulu. Then I found myfitnesspal.com's application for the android and that has really helped. For me, I always new that I shouldn't eat out as much, should eat more vegetables, etc, but I never fully realized how many calories I had been eating. My normal order from Taco Bell was 1900 Calories! Now that I have been able to see the amount of calories I consume it has really gotten me to change how I eat.

Unfortunately everyone needs to find their own source of motivation and without knowing your friend it is really hard to say what will trigger him to want to lose the weight. If he thinks it is boring maybe buying him a couple healthy cook books would help. Is he ok with cooking his own food? Are you in a position to offer some sort of reward if he loses 100 pounds? With how heavy he is, if he does start dropping weight he will probably have problems with excess skin, which might require surgery to remove. Other than that I think most health problems can be reversed to some degree.

vmrink

Yeah, you can't change another person, no matter how hard you try. But honestly, it sounds like he has some deep issues that need to be dealt with before he'll acknowledge the weight issue. I'd honestly suggest counseling before losing weight.

I 100% agree!

chevy88grl

It has to come from within. I don't think that an outside force can convince you to change. YOU have to want to change and until you're completely and totally committed to doing it, you won't.

What did it for me?

I saw a woman walking in a park (I could only see her from the back) and she was right about the same size that I was at the time. I wondered to myself "OMG. Do I look like that from the back? Are my thighs that large? And my arms too?". It made me realize that no one was going to be able to change me - except for me.

My boyfriend and I joined a gym a week later.

That was 18 months ago.

CuteAndCurvy83

For me it was seeing a picture of me at Christmas time. I realized something NEEDED To change, sadly there is nothing anyone around your friend can do, it's something that has to just click inside of his head.

needamulligan

I know better but I can't seem to get the weight off and keep it off. As long as I keep logging on MFP it keeps me on track. I just have to keep logging. Have you told him about MFP? The success stories are so inspiring. It might, also, help him understand how some foods are too "expensive" to spend calories on, so to speak. I have yet to get to a weight were exercising is comfortable but I'm getting there. So, suggestions of exercising may not be encouraging.

Since he trusts you why don't you just start talking about how you are using MFP yourself. Or suggest taking walks together, if that's possible.

PNWriter

For me it was my daughter coming home from school after the Valentine's Day celebration saying that she didn't want me to come volunteer in her school anymore. She said she felt bad for me because all her friends were staring at me and one of them said I was fat. That spurred a discussion of how it's the inside of people that counts, not the outside. I left the conversation realizing that my health, my choices, really affected more than just me. That was February 14th. I started my journey February 15th, joined MFP March 9th and haven't looked back.

countrydarling1

He already knows! Getting out of the slump is hard, well for me! im a stay at home mom of 3 kids, n another state w no friends or family. I have become a hermit. What got me to start & keep it up is this site & another dear friend who is the same size as i am & both struggle loosing weight, even tho we r 580 miles apart we keep each other motivated!
Food is my drug, as to crack to an addict. Specially emotionally!

Suggestion, show up at his apartment, tell him to get some walking shoes on & all of yall or just ur husnad go for a walking talk! talk about the weather, get him out in the fresh air, but it sounds like u & ur husband r in shape, dont rush him, take it 1 step at a time. maybe do this every other day! theres nothing more irrataiting than a n shape person expect u to run a marathon the first time out. n other words dont act like a speedy gonzales lol!

As a morbidly obese person, we know we r that way, we know we r killing ourselves. We have to find it in ourselves to make that change. Have u mentioned this site to him?

For me food is accessable, u have to have it to survive & it makes u feel good when u eat it. I have quit smoking cold turkey, quit drinking cold turkey & as a younger person, quit doin drugs cold turkey! 1 day i just got tired of it all & quit. But w food its been a whirl wind,

Maybe a walk will give him some good ideas to write about???

My husbands grandma buggs the crap out if me constantley about my weight, its nice to know she cares, but im a defying type person, u tell me to do something, im gonna do the exact opposite. not healthy sometimes but the truth.

MtnKat

One common denominator I see from all the posts is that the person had to make the decision for themselves. So, no matter what you say to him, unless he is ready himself, it is going to do you no good and may even damage your relationship (depending on how you say it). I would just encourage him to join you, educate him, and let him make the decision for himself (otherwise he will never stick to it).

For me....it was realizing that I am/was at the heaviest in my life and all my clothes were no longer comfortable. I started to buy new clothes and realized that buying new clothes would be much better if I had to buy new smaller clothes rather than new bigger ones

melsinct

One common denominator I see from all the posts is that the person had to make the decision for themselves. So, no matter what you say to him, unless he is ready himself, it is going to do you no good and may even damage your relationship (depending on how you say it).

Exactly. How many people do you know that lost weight because they were nagged into it? The answer is zero.

Every one of us had to make that choice for ourselves, as does your friend. We all reach different breaking points where we say "Enough is enough!" My breaking point was my all time high of 175 pounds. Others don't reach their breaking point until 500 pounds. Unfortunately there is nothing anyone else can do until the person who is overweight makes the choice themselves.

cklbrown

My husband leaving me and my four kids did it for me. It gave me the motivation to change. That had to come from within. I have not had a difficult time losing because it is now my time. I was finally ready. I am happy now and I never realized how unhappy I was before.

LorinaLynn

My light bulb moment was all about fun. I wanted to do the Warrior Dash and knew I needed to be a lot more fit than I was to do it. I didn't care about losing weight. I didn't think that would happen. I thought my body was at it's happy weight for a 38 year old, and if I was fit enough to run a 5k, then my weight didn't matter. Funny thing happened along the way... once I was eating right and exercising, the weight did drop. I was never successful at losing weight before, because I didn't eat enough when I was "dieting." In retrospect, that was the best way I could have done it. Being fit mattered. The number on the scale didn't.

But everyone is different, and there's no way to convince someone who isn't ready that it's the right thing to do.

That became painfully obvious with my husband's friend Joey, who at best estimate was about 600 pounds. I never met Joey, because my husband moved from Maryland to Pennsylvania when met, so he didn't see his hometown friends as much. Plus, by the time I came around, Joey became a social recluse who had a hard time leaving the house, mainly because he no longer fit comfortably in a car. My husband and I would visit his family and his buddies, who were usually hanging out together, but we were never in town long enough to make a special trip to see just Joey.

A few months ago, he got THAT phone call. Joey had passed away. He was only 39 years old, but his body couldn't take the added stress of all that weight any longer. He was diabetic, on disability, unable to work, and knew that he would not live a long life. He knew he'd be dead before 40. It's just so sad that he didn't care enough about himself to make a change. :frown:

RainyDayKelli

First, there isn't anything you guys can do. I always got really hurt and offended any time someone gently suggested that I should lose weight. My husband and family are very nice, loving, caring people and would never hurt me. They were genuinely concerned for my health. Whenever they said something, I would just go eat some more cookies or something. It didn't help and gave me the "well screw them" attitude. I finally just had to do it for myself. It helped that I had a few friends signing up for MFP, and instead of telling me that I should do it, they just told me how much they loved it. It's different for everyone. He may have to hit a bottom at some point.

LauraMarie37

That became painfully obvious with my husband's friend Joey, who at best estimate was about 600 pounds. I never met Joey, because my husband moved from Maryland to Pennsylvania when met, so he didn't see his hometown friends as much. Plus, by the time I came around, Joey became a social recluse who had a hard time leaving the house, mainly because he no longer fit comfortably in a car. My husband and I would visit his family and his buddies, who were usually hanging out together, but we were never in town long enough to make a special trip to see just Joey.

A few months ago, he got THAT phone call. Joey had passed away. He was only 39 years old, but his body couldn't take the added stress of all that weight any longer. He was diabetic, on disability, unable to work, and knew that he would not live a long life. He knew he'd be dead before 40. It's just so sad that he didn't care enough about himself to make a change. :frown:

This sounds so much like our friend - he is getting close to not being able to fit in our car, and often makes up excuses about his phone being broken/off/missing when we call him to get together. We really care about him, and I really don't want him to end up like your friend Joey!

Thank you to everyone for your input so far! It sounds like the best I can do is tell him we are here for him if he ever wants any support or help, and maybe (just once!) telling him about MFP and how it's helped my husband lose 50 of his 100 extra pounds. I also really agree he needs serious counseling, but I know that too is something that he has to decide on his own and we can't cause him to be committed to improving his emotional health any more than we can cause him to commit to improving his physical health.

I wish there was a magic button we could press to make him realize how much we care about him and make him want to care about himself...

brittbergh

for me I saw the scale nearing 220lbs and i remember saying to myself when I was pregnant with my second I didn't want to go over that much and there I was not pregnant going over that much. Plus Ive been wearing maternity clothes since being pregnant the first time and Im pretty tired of doing that now! I want my old waredrobe back!