Not meaning to offend any obese people, but...

needamulligan

I know better but I can't seem to get the weight off and keep it off. As long as I keep logging on MFP it keeps me on track. I just have to keep logging. Have you told him about MFP? The success stories are so inspiring. It might, also, help him understand how some foods are too "expensive" to spend calories on, so to speak. I have yet to get to a weight were exercising is comfortable but I'm getting there. So, suggestions of exercising may not be encouraging.

Since he trusts you why don't you just start talking about how you are using MFP yourself. Or suggest taking walks together, if that's possible.

PNWriter

For me it was my daughter coming home from school after the Valentine's Day celebration saying that she didn't want me to come volunteer in her school anymore. She said she felt bad for me because all her friends were staring at me and one of them said I was fat. That spurred a discussion of how it's the inside of people that counts, not the outside. I left the conversation realizing that my health, my choices, really affected more than just me. That was February 14th. I started my journey February 15th, joined MFP March 9th and haven't looked back.

countrydarling1

He already knows! Getting out of the slump is hard, well for me! im a stay at home mom of 3 kids, n another state w no friends or family. I have become a hermit. What got me to start & keep it up is this site & another dear friend who is the same size as i am & both struggle loosing weight, even tho we r 580 miles apart we keep each other motivated!
Food is my drug, as to crack to an addict. Specially emotionally!

Suggestion, show up at his apartment, tell him to get some walking shoes on & all of yall or just ur husnad go for a walking talk! talk about the weather, get him out in the fresh air, but it sounds like u & ur husband r in shape, dont rush him, take it 1 step at a time. maybe do this every other day! theres nothing more irrataiting than a n shape person expect u to run a marathon the first time out. n other words dont act like a speedy gonzales lol!

As a morbidly obese person, we know we r that way, we know we r killing ourselves. We have to find it in ourselves to make that change. Have u mentioned this site to him?

For me food is accessable, u have to have it to survive & it makes u feel good when u eat it. I have quit smoking cold turkey, quit drinking cold turkey & as a younger person, quit doin drugs cold turkey! 1 day i just got tired of it all & quit. But w food its been a whirl wind,

Maybe a walk will give him some good ideas to write about???

My husbands grandma buggs the crap out if me constantley about my weight, its nice to know she cares, but im a defying type person, u tell me to do something, im gonna do the exact opposite. not healthy sometimes but the truth.

MtnKat

One common denominator I see from all the posts is that the person had to make the decision for themselves. So, no matter what you say to him, unless he is ready himself, it is going to do you no good and may even damage your relationship (depending on how you say it). I would just encourage him to join you, educate him, and let him make the decision for himself (otherwise he will never stick to it).

For me....it was realizing that I am/was at the heaviest in my life and all my clothes were no longer comfortable. I started to buy new clothes and realized that buying new clothes would be much better if I had to buy new smaller clothes rather than new bigger ones

melsinct

One common denominator I see from all the posts is that the person had to make the decision for themselves. So, no matter what you say to him, unless he is ready himself, it is going to do you no good and may even damage your relationship (depending on how you say it).

Exactly. How many people do you know that lost weight because they were nagged into it? The answer is zero.

Every one of us had to make that choice for ourselves, as does your friend. We all reach different breaking points where we say "Enough is enough!" My breaking point was my all time high of 175 pounds. Others don't reach their breaking point until 500 pounds. Unfortunately there is nothing anyone else can do until the person who is overweight makes the choice themselves.

cklbrown

My husband leaving me and my four kids did it for me. It gave me the motivation to change. That had to come from within. I have not had a difficult time losing because it is now my time. I was finally ready. I am happy now and I never realized how unhappy I was before.

LorinaLynn

My light bulb moment was all about fun. I wanted to do the Warrior Dash and knew I needed to be a lot more fit than I was to do it. I didn't care about losing weight. I didn't think that would happen. I thought my body was at it's happy weight for a 38 year old, and if I was fit enough to run a 5k, then my weight didn't matter. Funny thing happened along the way... once I was eating right and exercising, the weight did drop. I was never successful at losing weight before, because I didn't eat enough when I was "dieting." In retrospect, that was the best way I could have done it. Being fit mattered. The number on the scale didn't.

But everyone is different, and there's no way to convince someone who isn't ready that it's the right thing to do.

That became painfully obvious with my husband's friend Joey, who at best estimate was about 600 pounds. I never met Joey, because my husband moved from Maryland to Pennsylvania when met, so he didn't see his hometown friends as much. Plus, by the time I came around, Joey became a social recluse who had a hard time leaving the house, mainly because he no longer fit comfortably in a car. My husband and I would visit his family and his buddies, who were usually hanging out together, but we were never in town long enough to make a special trip to see just Joey.

A few months ago, he got THAT phone call. Joey had passed away. He was only 39 years old, but his body couldn't take the added stress of all that weight any longer. He was diabetic, on disability, unable to work, and knew that he would not live a long life. He knew he'd be dead before 40. It's just so sad that he didn't care enough about himself to make a change. :frown:

RainyDayKelli

First, there isn't anything you guys can do. I always got really hurt and offended any time someone gently suggested that I should lose weight. My husband and family are very nice, loving, caring people and would never hurt me. They were genuinely concerned for my health. Whenever they said something, I would just go eat some more cookies or something. It didn't help and gave me the "well screw them" attitude. I finally just had to do it for myself. It helped that I had a few friends signing up for MFP, and instead of telling me that I should do it, they just told me how much they loved it. It's different for everyone. He may have to hit a bottom at some point.

LauraMarie37

That became painfully obvious with my husband's friend Joey, who at best estimate was about 600 pounds. I never met Joey, because my husband moved from Maryland to Pennsylvania when met, so he didn't see his hometown friends as much. Plus, by the time I came around, Joey became a social recluse who had a hard time leaving the house, mainly because he no longer fit comfortably in a car. My husband and I would visit his family and his buddies, who were usually hanging out together, but we were never in town long enough to make a special trip to see just Joey.

A few months ago, he got THAT phone call. Joey had passed away. He was only 39 years old, but his body couldn't take the added stress of all that weight any longer. He was diabetic, on disability, unable to work, and knew that he would not live a long life. He knew he'd be dead before 40. It's just so sad that he didn't care enough about himself to make a change. :frown:

This sounds so much like our friend - he is getting close to not being able to fit in our car, and often makes up excuses about his phone being broken/off/missing when we call him to get together. We really care about him, and I really don't want him to end up like your friend Joey!

Thank you to everyone for your input so far! It sounds like the best I can do is tell him we are here for him if he ever wants any support or help, and maybe (just once!) telling him about MFP and how it's helped my husband lose 50 of his 100 extra pounds. I also really agree he needs serious counseling, but I know that too is something that he has to decide on his own and we can't cause him to be committed to improving his emotional health any more than we can cause him to commit to improving his physical health.

I wish there was a magic button we could press to make him realize how much we care about him and make him want to care about himself...

brittbergh

for me I saw the scale nearing 220lbs and i remember saying to myself when I was pregnant with my second I didn't want to go over that much and there I was not pregnant going over that much. Plus Ive been wearing maternity clothes since being pregnant the first time and Im pretty tired of doing that now! I want my old waredrobe back!

Mrs_TrimWaistFatWallet

The 'magic button' is the cold hard truth that Biggest Loser delivers to every person that enters the show. They meet with a doctor that has the balls to look at them and tell them you are at risk of this, your arteries look like this, you are projected to die in 2022.. and the 'trainer'/family to tell them you are killing yourself, you will die before your kids reach this age, you will never see the day when ..., etc.

The magic button is TRUTH.

And the solution is to be there when they fall..

I wish there was a magic button we could press to make him realize how much we care about him and make him want to care about himself...

tammykoon

The "magic button" does not exist, for me, that is.

I know the truth, eat less, move more.

Even as I am finding success in my weight loss, I have to push back the thoughts of the last time I lost weight. Yo-yo dieting is painful and frankly deadly. For those of us listed as "Super Obese", or where I started, "Super, Super Obese (Yes, that's a real term), the Yo-Yo nature of dieting is exhausting.

I am committed. I am afraid. I am not alone.

Hollycat

I don't think I've seen this addressed on this forum before. Really good question. Jon Gabriel [The Gabriel Method] has a number of connecting theories and I tend to agree with him. His theories made sense to me on a very basic level. If you have not discovered him yet, I urge you to research and buy his book. It is cutting edge and goes way beyond the usual platitudes and oft repeated lip service addressing the question "Why am I So Fat?"

At the risk of oversimplifying, the theory that stuck in my mind the most described different survival instincts and triggers. He asked himself, what makes some animals of the SAME species naturally thin and others naturally adipose [fat]?

I have two cats I rescued from an over-burdened cattery. Sisters. Retired queens that did not get enough handling. But that's another story. One is fat and relatively content and the other is lean and wary. Spooky even. For the first year, it was almost impossible to get near her, while her sister accepted her new environment relatively quickly and would sit on the arm of the chair next to me quite happily. Why are these two cats from the same family and environment so different?

Jon's theory is that one has the survival switch turned on that tells the cat it must be ready to run from predators at a moments' notice [thin and wary]. Something happened to this cat that triggered that instinct. The other cat's survival switch is turned on that tells it it is in danger of starvation, so it must hold onto every fat cell it can, in case famine occurs [fat and getting fatter]. Something must have happened to that cat to trigger that survival instinct. The survival instinct priority is set within the most primal parts of the brain and our conscious mind has little control over it, until it figures out what's going on and devises of way of tricking it to turn it off.

In my case, I had to be the biggest, baddest meanest girl on the block to survive. Not that I was, but that's what I believed. Somehow I got the message that weight was power. I had to have the size and strength to stand and fight in the event I was challenged. The unfortunate paradox that belief sent me into is something you're all well acquainted with. The idea of running away never occurred to me. Had it, I might have been naturally slim.

So....how did I finally figure out how to get rid of this excess baggage? I think my 'trick' to switch off the survival instinct is more or less a numbers game, combined with the belief that I must keep trying for the rest of my life, while allowing myself to do it imperfectly. Counting calories, and getting some really good vigorous exercise in once in a while that simulates running from a predator and not quitting when I perceive failure, but continuing. Not starting again, continuing. A failure is not an ending. It is merely a temporary delay. [Please see my blog on Black & White Thinking].

With the realization and acceptance that this is a lifelong war, comes the realization and acceptance I will win some battles and I will lose some, but if I keep trying and winning mroe battles than I lose, I will gain territory [lose weight]. It is not exactly a war I'm waging. More like a passive war, or a siege. Cut the supplies [calories], allowing the body enough to survive well, but willing the survival instinct to surrender to my conscious will. Varying the number of calories, so the body knows it will be fed and does not panic. Lowered calories then a feast every now and then, but unpredictably. Once the body accepts this as the norm and knows it will not die and that the next meal is always around the corner, perhaps the switch will be turned off. Until then, or never, I will continue the siege.

While I battle, I will continue to ask myself how to do this better and as I meet with success, I will probably be more willing to do more. Or not. I've accepted that I must do what I think is best for me, based on the understanding I have today and not wait for tomorrow, the right frame of mind, the perfect diet or a free gym membership. The perfect scenario is never going to happen and I have stopped waiting for it. I've been confused by conflicting instructions and details for too many years and using them as an excuse to not act. I'm not letting that happen anymore. I"m doing what's right for me today, based on the understanding I have right now.

Hollycat
:flowerforyou:

fnm101

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ItsLessOfMe

For me it was finally leanin on God to do it. I've tried so many times with no sucess. This time I've done herbalife, ww, and mfp - they all worked. Its not the diet its the change that happens within. I wanted this and I allowed God to help me. This weight loss this is a marathon not a sprint....So many hills and valleys could not do it without him

LauraMarie37

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts! This definitely confirms what I had already suspected but gives me hope that there is never a point where it's too late. I will be sure to offer my support and then be patient until that "I need to change" moment hits him.

cappelgate

No, you can't do anything. You can encourage him to live a healthy lifestyle and show him through example but that is it. He has to make the choice. In my case, I got sick of it. Being fat isn't fun. People treat you worse, you can barely breath while going up stairs, you can't jump out of boats without having three people help you get back in.... You have to get completely sick and tired of your half alive lifestyle and believe that you deserve more.

clarech

I'm afraid to say the same as previous posts no one can change him but him.

Before I decided to change I didn't see myself as big. It wasn't until I had my second baby and was taken back into hospital away from him unable to breathe with a susspected blood clot (I lost my dad to a blood clot) I never found out what I had but it scared me to death and being away from my new born baby was the hardest thing ive ever done. Then I hot pregnant with my third baby and put it all back on and found out I had developed gestational diabetes I was sent to a dietician which really taught me where I was going wrong.

BuddhaBabeee

I was scared that 2012 would happen and I would still be fat and have no boyfriend, to be honest lol.

Daffydilly

My husband and I have put on 11 stone and 6 stone respectively, since we met 6 years ago. We've both steadily gained (I've tried to diet, lost a bit then quit).

My hsband was seeing a consultant regarding gastric banding and had been told he needed to lose 20% of his weight before they'd consider him for surgery - it's all about committment to a lifestyle change. He struggled and was becoming depressed. Then six weeks ago my husband was told he was diabetic. Since then he's lost 17lb and I've lost 16lb.

It's been a wake up call, we want to be around for a long time WITH EACH OTHER , and in the best health possible so it was a no brainer!

It helps that we're doing it together and I think a Diet Monster has been unleashed in my husband. We can already see the results - really SEE them - and that's given us the motivation to continue.

An unexpected bonus is that he's now saying that he probably won't carry on down the gastric op route, which is a relief, as the thought of it frightens me.

It's going to take a long time, the weight loss will slow down but there's no kidding ourselves it's going to take just a few weeks.

Perhaps you could just keep diet talk in general conversation with your friend, with minimal pressure and let him see how well you're doing. Sometimes just knowing there's a door slightly ajar is enough to persuade someone to open it fully and see what's on the other side.