I'm sad....

ChubbyBunny

Alright, I am accepting that I am weak and boobin....and that I need to get it together cause the world can't stop because my fiance left on his deployment (last week). I don't know if I need a solid kick or just a hug. I mean half of me is sad and depressed and another part of me is pissed and feeling neglected.

Ever since then I've just not wanted to work out. My diet has been ok, with very limited emotional eating happening, which is surprising cause of TOM.

I try really hard not to compare myself to the other military wives I know from my fiances unit, but sometimes I can't help it. They were so over the top when their significant others left, sobbing, carrying on, so depressed they couldn't get out of bed.... I tried to be strong, supportive, etc. However....their spouses now are keeping in touch with them WAY more then mine is with me...and it hurts. They all gloat about it and carry on and I am happy for them, but at the same time I am hurt. I don't know if it's cause the guys he's friends with don't really care to keep in touch with people at home (one is even considering dumping his girl who's waiting at home) so he doesn't make that effort and just stays with them. I don't know if he's just really busy (even though others seem to be able to find the time somehow).

I just don't know and their has been soooo much turmoil in our engagement (not cause of anything either of us did per say....some of you know the story).... it's really taking the toll on me though now. I mean it's been dragging on for 6 months.... and I am really tired. It's almost like all the happiness and awesomeness was sucked out of our relationship.... some of the trust is missing even. Which makes me angry...cause I don't know if I am making the situation worse then it is and torturing myself for nothing....or if I am justified to feel how I feel!?!?

Either way....I am hurt... I hate to put myself out there and ask for help/support from others.... but it's affecting my life and my weight loss goals. I don't want my realtionship to end...but at the same time... I don't know how to make it better.

If you prefer to PM me, that's awesome too or if you need more details.... Military spouses/fiances/girlfriends opinions/views are welcome.

:sad:

ChubbyBunny

Alright, I am accepting that I am weak and boobin....and that I need to get it together cause the world can't stop because my fiance left on his deployment (last week). I don't know if I need a solid kick or just a hug. I mean half of me is sad and depressed and another part of me is pissed and feeling neglected.

Ever since then I've just not wanted to work out. My diet has been ok, with very limited emotional eating happening, which is surprising cause of TOM.

I try really hard not to compare myself to the other military wives I know from my fiances unit, but sometimes I can't help it. They were so over the top when their significant others left, sobbing, carrying on, so depressed they couldn't get out of bed.... I tried to be strong, supportive, etc. However....their spouses now are keeping in touch with them WAY more then mine is with me...and it hurts. They all gloat about it and carry on and I am happy for them, but at the same time I am hurt. I don't know if it's cause the guys he's friends with don't really care to keep in touch with people at home (one is even considering dumping his girl who's waiting at home) so he doesn't make that effort and just stays with them. I don't know if he's just really busy (even though others seem to be able to find the time somehow).

I just don't know and their has been soooo much turmoil in our engagement (not cause of anything either of us did per say....some of you know the story).... it's really taking the toll on me though now. I mean it's been dragging on for 6 months.... and I am really tired. It's almost like all the happiness and awesomeness was sucked out of our relationship.... some of the trust is missing even. Which makes me angry...cause I don't know if I am making the situation worse then it is and torturing myself for nothing....or if I am justified to feel how I feel!?!?

Either way....I am hurt... I hate to put myself out there and ask for help/support from others.... but it's affecting my life and my weight loss goals. I don't want my realtionship to end...but at the same time... I don't know how to make it better.

If you prefer to PM me, that's awesome too or if you need more details.... Military spouses/fiances/girlfriends opinions/views are welcome.

:sad:

mrsyac2

Ok here is your kick in the butt ( go through constant deployments) Ok it takes me about 1-2 weeks to get out of my funk of my guy leaving - So give yourself up to 2 weeks max and then get moving your motivation is gonna be his 2 weeks R&R so work your but off and shoot for those 2 weeks- then after that aim for his return date- Stay busy that helps alot- good luck- you may contact me if you like-

I dont know your situation but i can help with dealing with deployments- my guy is stationed at a rapid deploying duty station they dont move us they just deploy him. he has been to Iraq 3 times- he just returned from a 15 month tour (that was his 3rd time) they already gave him his orders for his next tour to Iraq in 2010- Yeah it sucks! so let me know if you want to chat

DjBliss05

I don't know a lot about your situation, but I will share how I feel about dealing with feeling so sad.

First, you are totally allowed to feel sad. From what you have said here, it sounds like a really difficult situation. Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to them. You may just need some time to curl up in bed and work it out.

Eventually, you have to figure out a way to make yourself feel better. Reach out to the supportive people in your life (like you have here), find things to do that make you happy, take bubble baths, read books, write in a journal, buy yourself a present... anything that makes you want to get out and take on the day! I think taking on a difficult situation has to come from within. It won't just go away, but clearly you need a distraction. Take care of yourself.

You will make it through. You are doing great things for yourself by being here and getting healthy. Don't lose sight of that, because you will need that to keep moving forward.

Sending some hugs your way, because that sounds like exactly what you need! :flowerforyou:

arewethereyet

I just cant imagine what you are going through. All I can do is send hugz your way.

ChubbyBunny

I have about 1/2 a week left.... and I am slowly pulling out already... I mean I am working out, just not my traditional program.

I just, haven't been focusing on "the relationship" cause it hurts.... I mean the tradition missing him hurt but....that it's been so messed up in general recently. Is that horrible? To just put it out of my mind?
I mean, I am really hurt that he doesn't seem as dedicated as the others....but since I am not sure the reasoning behind that....(note above about friends).

I traditionally deal with pain through tattoos....not so healthy....and my parents threatened me with death if I do it... Working out used to help, but for some reason it's just not helping this time.... I am trying to distract myself with books, hobbies, etc....

BrandNewLaura

Changes are normal during a deployment, and everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. It's still early in the deployment, so neither one of you has had a chance to "settle in" to what things are going to be like for the next however many months he'll be deployed for. Give it some time and really concentrate on you right now. Exercise off your stress and your tension and let yourself feel everything you're feeling.

When my ex husband was deployed, I threw myself into my school work and sending care packages to him. I wrote him letters all the time, just pouring out my heart to him (some of them actually got in the mail, but the rest of them didn't seem quite as important when I reread them the next morning...sometimes it's good just to get your feelings out on paper, even if you don't send them) and I baked him cookies and made him care packages. I had an awesome best friend who went shopping with me and baked with me and made welcome home signs with me...support like that was essential for me getting through it.

Please don't give up on the relationship yet...this is one of the hardest things you and your guy will go through together, but when you make it to the other side and he's back in your arms again and you guys finally get married, it will all be worth it. Get your daughter involved in sending care packages, journal if you need to (I know you blog but sometimes the actual rhythm of writing can be so therapeautic), and reach out to friends whenever you need to. And most importantly don't compare yourself to the other women in your guy's unit. Keep in touch with them and get the support and encouragement from them that only they can provide since they are going through the same thing, but don't consider their reactions or their situations to be "the norm" because in the military there is no set way that these things happen.

Stay strong and remember all the reasons that you want to marry this man...that will keep you grounded and keep you holding on.

ChubbyBunny

Another issue, that keeps coming up.... cause I live with the parentals til he comes home....

My father is always pressuring me to SAVE SAVE SAVE, which makes sense, especially in these times. However, I have to buy things for hobbies, books, I even buy my own healthy foods (to ease some of their burden). My fiance and I don't share finances, which is good but it means my little budget is streched extremely tight. Which makes me stress about packages, etc.

Ugh...I feel so whinney. :brokenheart:

Marla64

You'll probably feel a bit better when TOM ends. I get so gloomy in my heart during that time these days, as if life is just overwhelming-- and then, TOM is over and things seem brighter even though situation hasn't changed. Part of the glory of womanhood, eh? :grumble:

Hang in there-- can't imagine your emotions having him over there. :flowerforyou:

TexasAngelBeth

CB,
I am on the other side of the coin... I deploy and leave my children at home... but most branches offer some kind of support (on line) for family members and friends... do you not have something like that you can look at to help? Also... as for the other people having more time to write/call/email whatever... I also know that unfortunately duty gets in the way, and sometimes it can depend on your individual work time.
As for stressing about packages... I bet he would love to just get a mailed letter... I know there are times I would have loved that (my son is 17 so he chooses girl time over sending mom a letter )
I wish you luck and I wont say it gets easier because I have never been there but it will become more bareable. Just hang in there, your a fighter and will snap out of it.
Beth

brindy78

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time -- I can't even imagine. My dad has been on a few deployments, but never my husband.

One thing that I realize through being married (or in a relationship in general) is that you always don't know what the other person is thinking. We get in a rut and I get mad at my husband for certain things, but he doesn't know what I am feeling unless I vocalize it. I heard some great advice from a friend last week...i would think it would work in a long distance relationship as well. You both can write down 3-5 things that are the most important to you and share them with each other. So for you it would be him writing letters every week (or how ever often you would like), you would like phone calls every so often (depending on what he's able to do), you would like to know how much you're appreciated and loved, etc. His would maybe be care packages (which would let you know how much he enjoys them), letters, etc. Don't get yourself down over things you don't know for a fact. For some reason girls tend to analyze things too much and dig ourselves in a hole over things we don't know for certain...I do it too many times. It's hard not to compare too -- all guys are different and some tend to show more affection and love than others. Let him know how you are feeling (it makes me feel lonely and sad when...). I think even writing letters like the previous post said just to get your feelings out would help too. Self destruction (tattoos, etc.) is not the answer -- that will only be a permanent reminder of how you were feeling at the moment you got the tattoo and the anger you had inside. That's one thing I know for sure I wouldn't want is to be reminded daily of the hurt I felt during the rough time we had in our relationship.

I am sure things work out for you -- give it some time and things will smooth out as he gets used to his new life (which I'm sure isn't easy for him either). Don't beat yourself up - stay positive.

KaitieBug

When I was deployed I didn't call home constantly, either. I called home once a week or every two weeks. And the reason for that was because it was too hard on me. A lot of the guys I deployed with were the same way. What could we possibly have to tell everyone at home every day? There's only so much you can talk about in certain situations; it gets really boring just saying "Hi. I'm ok. Just another day in the sandbox." It just depresses us. It makes time go by faster when it's Sunday, you realize another week has passed and it's time to call home again-when a week or so has passed you have much more to talk about. Also the phone center was a long walk and at the end of the day you're just too damn tired to walk so far, wait in a long line, not even sure if you'll be able to get a connecting line back to the states, etc. It may be the same case for your man.

I'm not saying that what he's doing is right and having dated a guy during his year deployment (he only called me TWICE!!) I know exactly how you feel. Hopeless, miserable, disappointed, despairing, confused! It SUCKS! But trust me honey, you'll be ok no matter what the outcome is. Trust your instincts, and when he does call, tell him what's bothering you so he can fix it. I don't know if you are a religious person but I will certainly keep you in my prayers. Don't give up!! Throw yourself into your excercising and focus on eating right. It will help take your mind off of it, and you will see the pounds drop and that'll definitely make you happier!

ChubbyBunny

I appreciate all the advice and am thinking of ways to incorporate it into my life.

I think the biggest dig to me is that he kinda pushed the communication issue all the time and how important it is....but he never follows through. I mean, he HAS internet access there...it's just horribly slow...so he can email, chat, etc. He is just choosing not to. Which is his choice, that's fine. However, I don't want to get another "communication" talk when the ONLY way I currently have of reaching him IS the internet (no phone, no active address for weeks). I understand communication is SOOOO vital, especially in a situation like this....I can only do so much on my end though....if he can't even be bothered to DEAL with a slow internet connection to write/respond to emails.... what else am I supposed to do? (This would be the angry part.)

When he does call, I am at work. I am not sure if he's still trying to figure out the time difference or what....which I mentioned the time he called and when I am available at work in an email yesterday.

I know things are tough on him too and his job comes first. I know that.
I just wish he would of bothered letting me know where I fall in the list of priorities AFTER work.
:explode:

kellch

I don't know much about your situation. My guy's not in the military. But big hugz your way honey. :flowerforyou: Next time you get a chance to talk to him let him know exactly what you're feeling. It's the only way to work it out. :flowerforyou:

ChubbyBunny

When I was deployed I didn't call home constantly, either. I called home once a week or every two weeks. And the reason for that was because it was too hard on me. A lot of the guys I deployed with were the same way. What could we possibly have to tell everyone at home every day? There's only so much you can talk about in certain situations; it gets really boring just saying "Hi. I'm ok. Just another day in the sandbox." It just depresses us. It makes time go by faster when it's Sunday, you realize another week has passed and it's time to call home again-when a week or so has passed you have much more to talk about. Also the phone center was a long walk and at the end of the day you're just too damn tired to walk so far, wait in a long line, not even sure if you'll be able to get a connecting line back to the states, etc. It may be the same case for your man.

I'm not saying that what he's doing is right and having dated a guy during his year deployment (he only called me TWICE!!) I know exactly how you feel. Hopeless, miserable, disappointed, despairing, confused! It SUCKS! But trust me honey, you'll be ok no matter what the outcome is. Trust your instincts, and when he does call, tell him what's bothering you so he can fix it. I don't know if you are a religious person but I will certainly keep you in my prayers. Don't give up!! Throw yourself into your excercising and focus on eating right. It will help take your mind off of it, and you will see the pounds drop and that'll definitely make you happier!

Thank you... this helped a lot.
I know I am being selfish, I don't really want to hear from him everyday (for the reasons you mentioned)...just something every now and then would be nice.

I think my mind has divided my life into compartments.....and for the most part...I've locked my relationship away...I try not to think about it (since currently it's a mash of a few good moments and some hella bad ones)... Is that horrible....that I have decided to lock it down to cope right now? To get up and go teach high schools about life, to put on a happy face for my kiddo and family, to keep pretending everything will be okay....

ChubbyBunny

I don't know much about your situation. My guy's not in the military. But big hugz your way honey. :flowerforyou: Next time you get a chance to talk to him let him know exactly what you're feeling. It's the only way to work it out. :flowerforyou:

Thank you...
I just don't want to make things worse on him.... I mean, a huge reason he's with me is cause I am tough....I don't want my...attitude to hurt him (since my attitude is kinda pissy these days).

smalla

All good advice.

My boyfriend at the time (now my husband) was away for 9 months with the Canadian military in Bosnia/Yugoslavia. I was at an army base back home all summer too. I didn't get to talk to him once over the whole 9 months, but we did write lots of letters. And we became much closer writing letters than we had been before he left. Letter writing is great. I did send a couple of parcels too, but nothing over the top. Stuff like Kraft Dinner, magazines, gum, chocolate, DVDs, etc.

My advice is to stay positive and stay strong. It is hard for them in theatre being away from their families and loved ones. It is stressful, dangerous and sleep may be limited. If he's away from base, he probably won't even have access to communications. Even though it's tough, just hang in there and be positive and supportive. If it's meant to work out, it will. You may be reading too much into his not calling as often as you might like.

Good luck!

kellch

I don't know much about your situation. My guy's not in the military. But big hugz your way honey. :flowerforyou: Next time you get a chance to talk to him let him know exactly what you're feeling. It's the only way to work it out. :flowerforyou:

Thank you...
I just don't want to make things worse on him.... I mean, a huge reason he's with me is cause I am tough....I don't want my...attitude to hurt him (since my attitude is kinda pissy these days).

Yes but the only way to make a relationship work is with communication...Nobody can be tough all the time :flowerforyou:

ChubbyBunny

I don't know much about your situation. My guy's not in the military. But big hugz your way honey. :flowerforyou: Next time you get a chance to talk to him let him know exactly what you're feeling. It's the only way to work it out. :flowerforyou:

Thank you...
I just don't want to make things worse on him.... I mean, a huge reason he's with me is cause I am tough....I don't want my...attitude to hurt him (since my attitude is kinda pissy these days).

Yes but the only way to make a relationship work is with communication...Nobody can be tough all the time :flowerforyou:

I agree with that too... so is it bad to feel like he doesn't use his resources enough? I mean, calls....ehh...they are nice but he has other means to communicate and he doesn't seem to want to. I mean a slow connection is a pain in the butt...but really....isn't it tolerable?

ChubbyBunny

Okay... you can slap me now.
I just needed to get it ALL off my chest and everyones opinions and advice helped me a lot. :flowerforyou:

PurdyMommy

:flowerforyou: for you

mrsyac2

Another issue, that keeps coming up.... cause I live with the parentals til he comes home....

My father is always pressuring me to SAVE SAVE SAVE, which makes sense, especially in these times. However, I have to buy things for hobbies, books, I even buy my own healthy foods (to ease some of their burden). My fiance and I don't share finances, which is good but it means my little budget is streched extremely tight. Which makes me stress about packages, etc.

Ugh...I feel so whinney. :brokenheart:

I agree with the save save save idea personally now is the time since your not paying rent/mortgage- He will be making extra money while he is over there and can bank alot of that if thats his plan and you can save your own money as well- you would be suprised- I wish i didnt have to pay rent/mortgage when my guy deployed we would be loaded and not stressed. deployments are very difficult on the people deploying remember that and when you two do talk dont bring up the bad stuff unless he mentions it- they dont need that- I know my husband has a very dangerous job so he doesnt need stress from the homefront on top of stress over there

gmpearse

Just sending great big hugs your way.

Fitness_Chick

You are such a giver Bunny:flowerforyou: You're always sharing new recipes and tips and always so sweet & supportive. I'm glad you posted and shared what's going on in your heart. We may not be able to fix it all or even part of it....

But.....please know we all care and are here for you at whatever place you're at in this journey to hold you up along the way when you don't feel so strong...

Being strong is a good quality...but sometimes it truly is ok to ask for help and take a lil break from being the strong one

ChubbyBunny

Ha! Not so sure about the "sweet" part... and I've tried to be more...supportive and visible in the community here.

I hope whatever does happen for me...it's for the best in the long run.

Marla64

Don't be so hard on yourself-- you are a sweet voice here. I joked around with you about the days you were -- but that is a quality that is also very needed around here. But, even on those days, you were never harsh--

Just lean on us when you need-- --

LonelyPilgrim

I have ZERO experience with military deployment/ long absences etc.

So take what I say with a grain (ahem, a brick) of salt.

but.

I think you should not beat yourself up for being angry. You and your fiancee may not be "handeling it" as well as some people but I'm sure you're doing a lot better than others. This is a huge change in your life. A lot of military wives have been through it before, and have learned what they need to do to adjust. Their husbands have learned too (that's why they're still married!) They've found out what works for them.

This is brand new for you. You and your fiancee haven't navigated all the nuances of this separation yet.

It's miserable to be lonely. And it's miserable to be away from the one you love. He isn't able to respond to you in the way that you have expected. IT's ok to feel anger. I would try not to direct it at him, specifically. But anger at the circumstances is ok.

and KUDOS to you, for even making it this far. I don't think you're being needy or pissy. If I was in your shoes, I'd be a complete mess.

My boyfriend was "gone a lot" last year (he coaches cross-country and track, and also had a few family things that took him out of town). And by "a lot" I mean... oh, probably a total of 15-20 nights the whole year (yes, I'm needy), and I was bummed a lot of THOSE times when he didn't call frequently enough, or stay on the phone long enough, or when his cell ran out of batteries after he hiked to the top of the nearby mountain so he could get a "teeny" bit of cellphone service.

See. so there is your comparison of being "unreasonable" (I know, I am. somehow he still loves me).

You are not being unreasonable. True, you don't really understand what it's like over there. But if you let all of your needs just be ignored, you may feel resentful when he DOES come back. Like you said, you had some problems before he left. IT would be great if you could come out of this on a positive note, feeling stronger than ever. That's a good tone to start a marriage.

Until then *big hugs* . Navigating theses waters is tricky. Remind yourself that there is a learning curve, both for you and your fiance, and they won't necessarily "curve" together at first.

KaitieBug

It's not bad that you locked it away. You kinda have to, in order to keep going. Yeah, the internet is horrible over there! But you're right that isn't a good excuse why he can't sacrifice a that time every now and then to get a dang email to you!

Have you ever heard of Motomail? www.motomail.us Just sign up for an account, go through the steps (it's all free!) and you can send him letters via the internet and he should receive them anywhere from 24 to 72 hours (depends on the convoys getting through sometimes) But it's really really great! I loved it and pretty much everyone in my unit uses it. My family loved it too! Write him everything that's bothering you-try not to sound too accusing, even if it's all his fault-it's always the man's fault! :laugh: Make sure to remind him gently that HE was the one stressing communication and that since he's gone it's more important now than ever.

I know what you're going though. Sometimes, guys especially, don't realize what it's like for those of us left behind, waiting by the phone constantly. They don't seem to understand that all we want is to hear their voice. And the time difference IS awful, I finally started getting up around 4 on the days I called home so I could try to catch my folks at home, rather than at work on the toilet (that happened once heehee!)

TheHottestMama

im sorry sweetie it really is rough!
i know it isnt the same thing but i def can relate to how your feeling.
my husbands a firefighter and sometimes gets sent out on fires and is gone for 2weeks at a time. and the guys that got sent with him
they were calling and txting their wives and i felt so sad and mad and upset it was a horrible feeling...my brain KNEW he was busy but my girly feelings were feeling neglected and sad because the other guys could talk to their wives. and this happened alot before i said anything.
i told him id like to hear from him as often as possible esp since im worriied about him! and now it seems like hes always calling and txting
so maybe try to explaine how it makes you feel and he might understand and change. ive been married TEN years and i still sometimes have to sit down and explaine even simple things to him!
im here if you ever wanna talk or even vent!
xoxox

ChubbyBunny

Thanks you guys.
It means a lot that you are sharing your stories. Those who are in different situations they are still so relevant and I sympathise for you too. I am sure it is just as hard.

I haven't heard of motomail, what is it exactly? If we ever communicate again and want to still communicate by the end of the conversation...it would be a great resource to have.

I took my ring off last night (as I said...it's a LONG story about the "engagement")...
I am not wearing it today...first time it's actually been off...
I am not giving up on the relationship (even though last night was nothing but nightmares of getting a call and having him say, "I've found someone else.") Some pretty serious things need to be resolved though before I put that ring on again (as I said, if you want the details PM me).

Again you guys are so amazing, I didn't realize how much I missed MFP as a support group til this all imploded on me. I'll keep you up to date on what eventually happens.

TheHottestMama

please PM me
id like details
and ill share my story with you also it might give you some hope

im on my cell and i can only reply to messages
not send a message first.