I just have to vent people.. sorry.

MrBrown72

If you're saying you don't want him to smoke with her in the room I understand completely. I used to smoke but not in the house by preference and never around my kid.

However if you're saying that a house that just "smells like smoke" is going to somehow grow fangs and magically eat her lungs I'd say you're just trying to play alpha wolf and control you're ex.

If she's concerned for her daughter's health (second and third hand smoke have been 'proven' to be worse than smoking itself), she has every right to be 'alpha wolf'. Even if you deny the studies...she still has every right to be concerned BECAUSE of them.

Not much more to say than that.

There's a difference between smoke, and the smell of smoke. Just smelling like smoke is a horrible smell (didn't really realize that till I quit) but probably less dangerous than the horrible perfume some folks bathe in.

I didn't know people owned carcinogenic perfumes with addictive qualities.

There is also a difference between a fact, and a prejudice. Carcinogens are inhaled via smoke, not the smell of smoke that was once there. Much like burns come from fire, not rained out month old fire pits. Nicotine is absorbed through the mucosa and the lungs while inhaling live smoke. Now if he we having the child chew on the curtains I'd have to say its an issue. However just Smelling cigarette smoke is not going to add either of these to the system.

Not sure why I'm bothering as chances are the average reader will just close their eyes and hate as it's socially acceptable and they can. But really facts/versus hearsay is a big difference.

newmommynewfitme

You have every right to be concerned! Smoking around children is proven to have detrimental effects on them health wise.

"Since kids have young and developing lungs, they tend to receive a higher concentration of inhaled toxins than do older lungs. This is especially true when the air is contaminated with cigarette smoke.Children who spend 1 hour in an extremely smoky room breathe insufficient toxic chemicals that equals to smoking 10 cigarettes. Obviously that is more than their lungs can bear. These kids will surely end up having asthma all throughout their life. So it is no wonder that thousands of new cases of asthma are reported due to passive smoking. Some would even worsen and develop into a more serious case of bronchitis or pneumonia."

Heck I will not allow my Dh's father to hold our son if he smells like an ashtray, my baby's lungs are fragile and if I can smell ( I have asthma so extremely sensitive to smell of smoke) from across the room him holding him is worse. Protect your daughter from possible life long effects.

http://www.trifectamultisport.com/the-negative-effects-of-secondhand-smoke-in-children/http://www.cancer.org/cancer/cancercauses/tobaccocancer/secondhand-smokehttp://quitsmoking.about.com/od/secondhandsmoke/a/smokeandkids.htm

Ajontheguitar

If you're saying you don't want him to smoke with her in the room I understand completely. I used to smoke but not in the house by preference and never around my kid.

However if you're saying that a house that just "smells like smoke" is going to somehow grow fangs and magically eat her lungs I'd say you're just trying to play alpha wolf and control you're ex.

If she's concerned for her daughter's health (second and third hand smoke have been 'proven' to be worse than smoking itself), she has every right to be 'alpha wolf'. Even if you deny the studies...she still has every right to be concerned BECAUSE of them.

Not much more to say than that.

There's a difference between smoke, and the smell of smoke. Just smelling like smoke is a horrible smell (didn't really realize that till I quit) but probably less dangerous than the horrible perfume some folks bathe in.

I didn't know people owned carcinogenic perfumes with addictive qualities.

There is also a difference between a fact, and a prejudice. Carcinogens are inhaled via smoke, not the smell of smoke that was once there. Much like burns come from fire, not rained out month old fire pits. Nicotine is absorbed through the mucosa and the lungs while inhaling live smoke. Now if he we having the child chew on the curtains I'd have to say its an issue. However just Smelling cigarette smoke is not going to add either of these to the system.

Not sure why I'm bothering as chances are the average reader will just close their eyes and hate as it's socially acceptable and they can. But really facts/versus hearsay is a big difference.

I was using the same analogy. It's not a great one anyway. Perfume isn't really ingested or put through the lungs in that way anyway.

britterbrittney

In the situation for the OP, I think it was clear he does smoke while the daughter was around....

Pandorian

Well it was more their place and I was a live in care-taker at it. They come down on time off from the job and smoke the place full, despite my being a non-smoker, no worries I'm out of there now and where I do go around smokers they all take it outside. They still bring the stink in with them, just they don't notice it because it's not as strong as the smoking itself.

SmartFunGorgeous

I strongly agree with the man who is a former DARE officer. It is definitely important to protect your child's health, and keeping her away from cigarette smoke should be a priority. However, telling another adult how to behave, or how he should behave, tends to be a combative way to handle the situation, if it isn't handled very delicately. Since you two are split up, it's safe to say there are some very high emotions that are mixed into any association you still maintain with the other. And because of that, it is possible that the approach to the situation felt negative to him (whether that is how you intended it or not). So, again, I agree with the DARE officer's advice- talk to your daughter as well, and explain to her the dangers associated with smoking. It's not a direct attack on her father, just education in regards to how to deal with a difficult situation.

You are well within your rights to ask him not to smoke around her, and to explain how 2nd hand smoke can travel throughout an establishment such as a home, even if he is in one room and she's in another. He needs to be educated in the harm he could be visiting upon his daughter. The fact that he wants to spend time with her says that he cares for her, and even if he's not receptive to your request when in your presence, it is very likely that he'll consider her when you're not around, because then he's making the educated decision for her benefit, not merely trying to annoy you. Couples who have split often say and behave one way in front of the other than they do when no longer in the others presence. Part of it is keeping up the appearance of "I don't care what you say," and part of it is trying to push the others buttons.

You were definitely right to address this with him, but try not to stress over the outcome you saw because it may not be the entire picture of the situation. And also, educate your daughter so she can be proactive in the future as well.

:flowerforyou:

Brent_Arthur

Congratulations on standing up for your daughter!

foodfight247

Sounds like I'm not the only one today who's narked with their ex....I've just got back from a walk which I took just simply to shake off a little bit of angst, aswell as mull over a few things. It's really difficult when there's children involved.

I very recently stopped smoking, and it's proving really hard. But I have to say that when I was, I would ALWAYS smoke outside where my 6yr old would not inhale any second hand smoke. He was part of the main reason I decided to stop - your family's health is extremely important aswell as your own.

EKarma

To be clear.. He is smoking in the house while my daughter is in there.. I have talked to him prior to this incident, and he said he would stop.. My daughter told me he is smoking in the house still, but he goes into the kitchen.. So I confronted him again.. And we had this major blow up.. He's trying to bring our daughter into it.. She doesn't need to be a part of this convo.. He needs to quit smoking in the house while she is visiting him. I have full custody and I mentioned it to him again.. And he says, "Oh so you're saying it's a priveledge for me to see my kid?" I was like, Yes it is, I don't have to let you see her. I just can't believe that my concern for her health had him in an uproar.. He has a baby on the way with his now-girlfriend.. I looked at her and told her, I didn't allow him to smoke in the house when we were married, and I don't want him smoking around my kid. When she is not at their house I don't care if he smokes in his house. I just don't want him smoking in the house when she is there.. And he still is. But he thinks I'm being unreasonable.. He's making me mad.

crisanderson27

To be clear.. He is smoking in the house while my daughter is in there.. I have talked to him prior to this incident, and he said he would stop.. My daughter told me he is smoking in the house still, but he goes into the kitchen.. So I confronted him again.. And we had this major blow up.. He's trying to bring our daughter into it.. She doesn't need to be a part of this convo.. He needs to quit smoking in the house while she is visiting him. I have full custody and I mentioned it to him again.. And he says, "Oh so you're saying it's a priveledge for me to see my kid?" I was like, Yes it is, I don't have to let you see her. I just can't believe that my concern for her health had him in an uproar.. He has a baby on the way with his now-girlfriend.. I looked at her and told her, I didn't allow him to smoke in the house when we were married, and I don't want him smoking around my kid. When she is not at their house I don't care if he smokes in his house. I just don't want him smoking in the house when she is there.. And he still is. But he thinks I'm being unreasonable.. He's making me mad.

I'm sorry hun...and for the record, I'm right there with you. I am a single Dad...my kids health, safety, and emotional security/stability come before ANYTHING ELSE in my life. Stick to your guns...and if all else fails...explain to your daughter that she should go out front or somewhere else while he's smoking and for a short time after. Maybe her guilting him into doing the right thing would work.

Pretty stupid when the children have to be the ones to defend themselves from their parents selfishness =/. Trust me, I know all about that as well.

Swimgoddess

I didn't read the whole thread, but just wanted to share my experience. When my oldest was 15mo, his dad did what amounted to legal kidnapping (filed for SOLE custody as a resident of our state, said he was going to visit his mom in FL with our son, had me served after he fled the state, falsely filed a second case once he became a FL resident in FL and had the NC hearing postponed a year while he established a new status-quo the judge favored his civilian status over my active-duty one) I ended up with secondary custody for 2 years. He smoked in the house with our son. Our son's medical record was PACKED with ear infection visits during that time. I got primary custody back for my ex's refusal to treat our son's PDD-NOS in 2005. Not...a...single...ear...infection since. However, our pediatrician says he still has extensive scarring inside his ears from the repeated infections during the time he lived with his dad

I also hate how smokers are so oblivious to how their stench permeates EVERYTHING, even if they only "smoke outside". Everything in our kid's overnight bag, including the bag has to go through the washing machine THREE times to get rid of the smoke smell. It's gag-inducing.

MrBrown72

To be clear.. He is smoking in the house while my daughter is in there.. I have talked to him prior to this incident, and he said he would stop.. My daughter told me he is smoking in the house still, but he goes into the kitchen.. So I confronted him again.. And we had this major blow up.. He's trying to bring our daughter into it.. She doesn't need to be a part of this convo.. He needs to quit smoking in the house while she is visiting him. I have full custody and I mentioned it to him again.. And he says, "Oh so you're saying it's a priveledge for me to see my kid?" I was like, Yes it is, I don't have to let you see her. I just can't believe that my concern for her health had him in an uproar.. He has a baby on the way with his now-girlfriend.. I looked at her and told her, I didn't allow him to smoke in the house when we were married, and I don't want him smoking around my kid. When she is not at their house I don't care if he smokes in his house. I just don't want him smoking in the house when she is there.. And he still is. But he thinks I'm being unreasonable.. He's making me mad.

Not unreasonable at all. Smoking around the kids in not a good thing. Childhood bronchitis, and other more permanent breathing issues are way to common for it to be okay. However a smoker is an addict, and addict mentality can justify all sorts of things.

I hope you get it sorted. It's always best for kids to know both parents as well as possible.

bigdawg025

Nobody EVER smokes in my house. EVER! I grew up with 2 smoking parents... riding in a car with the window cracked just far enough that you can't even fit your finger in between, and my mother thought that was good enough to get the smoke out of the car.

My dad has been off the cigs for almost 4 years, but the damage was already done, as he now has mild COPD and has to have an oxygen tank handy.

My mom is still going strong at a pack and a half a day. I feel so terrible for her, and I know it's a hard habit to quit, but she doesn't even WANT to!!!! Not even for her grandchildren! It's so sad.

TheMaidOfAstolat

I grew up in a house where my parents smoked inside. I have asthma as a result and while it has decreased drastically since moving out at age 18...my lungs will never be the same.

I also have the same issues with my ex (sort of). My ex smokes around our daughter...I also have full legal/physical custody of her. However, my ex's rights are almost nothing at this point...he sees her every other weekend for 2 hours supervised. Stick to your guns and never settle on this...it's for your daughters health. You do not want her to suffer the way I did and still do. I can only run a mile at a time without having to stop and get in a few good breaths.

laughingdani

You are your child's advocate and if you don't stand up for her who will?

There are so many health related issues that can occur with children when it comes to second hand smoke. I don't blame you for being so protective.

My daughter was born premature and had to spend the first 3 months of her life inthe NICU. When she came home I was told to avoid second hand smoke around her at all costs. The first time I took her to visit my dad he refused to put his cigarette out. I headed toward the door and told him if he wanted to see her (his first grandchild by the way) he would not smoke around her. It's been five years since then and every time we come over he has the windows open airing out the house and he will not light a cigarette around her no matter how long we stay. It was heart breaking to give him such an ultimatum but it had to be done.

Lisa_222

Don't blame you for being upset. Just stand your ground and while you're at it, teach your daughter a little bit about second hand smoke. She will keep him honest, kids are really good at that.

Jade_Butterfly

Don't worry about VENTING. . .that's what we're here for. . . and as an ex-smoker myself. . I would of never smoked in the house with my daughter. . .

There is no excuse to subject others to your habits. . Perhaps he needs to see studies they have done on 2nd and 3rd hand smoke. . they are saying that it effects you when it is in the furniture and the draperies and such. . even if you are not smoking at the time. . It gets into everything. .

So I totally don't blame you for being upset and stepping up to protect your daughter. . I say kudos for being an awesome mom. ..

Hope it gets better. . . If you ever need someone to chat with. . I am a message away.

NiciS72

BRAVO, I wish my mother had had the cojones to make my father (a three pack a day smoker) smoke outside. I never knew I smelled so bad until I went to college. Oh and I have allergy induced asthma, which I fully believe is from his smoking in the house/car/truck/everywhere we went! My husband smoked (he quit on Saturday) and I have NEVER let him smoke in the house or the cars. Even my father is NOT allowed to smoke in my house. I worry tremendously about my mother developing lung cancer from all that second hand smoke. No matter what names he calls you or nasty things he said, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING and you should stick to your guns.

Grokette

that has to be about the hardest thing, to have to have your child around someone you don't trust to be as concerned about her well being as you are. you are right to say something. if you set some ground rules with him (if he cant follow them, than he can't see her) that include not having discussions about her while she is around, maybe that would help. i am blessed to have a caring, loving husband so i can only imagine what your situation is like, but i really do feel for you. at least his time with her is limited, and you are her main care giver. she knows you love her and wants whats best and thats what matters

While I don't agree with the smoking around children, if there is a visitation agreement by the court, she can not withhold visitation from him or she can be charged with contempt.

My husband's best friend went through this with his ex for another reason and she ended up in jail for contempt.