I just have to vent people.. sorry.

Swimgoddess

I didn't read the whole thread, but just wanted to share my experience. When my oldest was 15mo, his dad did what amounted to legal kidnapping (filed for SOLE custody as a resident of our state, said he was going to visit his mom in FL with our son, had me served after he fled the state, falsely filed a second case once he became a FL resident in FL and had the NC hearing postponed a year while he established a new status-quo the judge favored his civilian status over my active-duty one) I ended up with secondary custody for 2 years. He smoked in the house with our son. Our son's medical record was PACKED with ear infection visits during that time. I got primary custody back for my ex's refusal to treat our son's PDD-NOS in 2005. Not...a...single...ear...infection since. However, our pediatrician says he still has extensive scarring inside his ears from the repeated infections during the time he lived with his dad

I also hate how smokers are so oblivious to how their stench permeates EVERYTHING, even if they only "smoke outside". Everything in our kid's overnight bag, including the bag has to go through the washing machine THREE times to get rid of the smoke smell. It's gag-inducing.

MrBrown72

To be clear.. He is smoking in the house while my daughter is in there.. I have talked to him prior to this incident, and he said he would stop.. My daughter told me he is smoking in the house still, but he goes into the kitchen.. So I confronted him again.. And we had this major blow up.. He's trying to bring our daughter into it.. She doesn't need to be a part of this convo.. He needs to quit smoking in the house while she is visiting him. I have full custody and I mentioned it to him again.. And he says, "Oh so you're saying it's a priveledge for me to see my kid?" I was like, Yes it is, I don't have to let you see her. I just can't believe that my concern for her health had him in an uproar.. He has a baby on the way with his now-girlfriend.. I looked at her and told her, I didn't allow him to smoke in the house when we were married, and I don't want him smoking around my kid. When she is not at their house I don't care if he smokes in his house. I just don't want him smoking in the house when she is there.. And he still is. But he thinks I'm being unreasonable.. He's making me mad.

Not unreasonable at all. Smoking around the kids in not a good thing. Childhood bronchitis, and other more permanent breathing issues are way to common for it to be okay. However a smoker is an addict, and addict mentality can justify all sorts of things.

I hope you get it sorted. It's always best for kids to know both parents as well as possible.

bigdawg025

Nobody EVER smokes in my house. EVER! I grew up with 2 smoking parents... riding in a car with the window cracked just far enough that you can't even fit your finger in between, and my mother thought that was good enough to get the smoke out of the car.

My dad has been off the cigs for almost 4 years, but the damage was already done, as he now has mild COPD and has to have an oxygen tank handy.

My mom is still going strong at a pack and a half a day. I feel so terrible for her, and I know it's a hard habit to quit, but she doesn't even WANT to!!!! Not even for her grandchildren! It's so sad.

TheMaidOfAstolat

I grew up in a house where my parents smoked inside. I have asthma as a result and while it has decreased drastically since moving out at age 18...my lungs will never be the same.

I also have the same issues with my ex (sort of). My ex smokes around our daughter...I also have full legal/physical custody of her. However, my ex's rights are almost nothing at this point...he sees her every other weekend for 2 hours supervised. Stick to your guns and never settle on this...it's for your daughters health. You do not want her to suffer the way I did and still do. I can only run a mile at a time without having to stop and get in a few good breaths.

laughingdani

You are your child's advocate and if you don't stand up for her who will?

There are so many health related issues that can occur with children when it comes to second hand smoke. I don't blame you for being so protective.

My daughter was born premature and had to spend the first 3 months of her life inthe NICU. When she came home I was told to avoid second hand smoke around her at all costs. The first time I took her to visit my dad he refused to put his cigarette out. I headed toward the door and told him if he wanted to see her (his first grandchild by the way) he would not smoke around her. It's been five years since then and every time we come over he has the windows open airing out the house and he will not light a cigarette around her no matter how long we stay. It was heart breaking to give him such an ultimatum but it had to be done.

Lisa_222

Don't blame you for being upset. Just stand your ground and while you're at it, teach your daughter a little bit about second hand smoke. She will keep him honest, kids are really good at that.

Jade_Butterfly

Don't worry about VENTING. . .that's what we're here for. . . and as an ex-smoker myself. . I would of never smoked in the house with my daughter. . .

There is no excuse to subject others to your habits. . Perhaps he needs to see studies they have done on 2nd and 3rd hand smoke. . they are saying that it effects you when it is in the furniture and the draperies and such. . even if you are not smoking at the time. . It gets into everything. .

So I totally don't blame you for being upset and stepping up to protect your daughter. . I say kudos for being an awesome mom. ..

Hope it gets better. . . If you ever need someone to chat with. . I am a message away.

NiciS72

BRAVO, I wish my mother had had the cojones to make my father (a three pack a day smoker) smoke outside. I never knew I smelled so bad until I went to college. Oh and I have allergy induced asthma, which I fully believe is from his smoking in the house/car/truck/everywhere we went! My husband smoked (he quit on Saturday) and I have NEVER let him smoke in the house or the cars. Even my father is NOT allowed to smoke in my house. I worry tremendously about my mother developing lung cancer from all that second hand smoke. No matter what names he calls you or nasty things he said, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING and you should stick to your guns.

Grokette

that has to be about the hardest thing, to have to have your child around someone you don't trust to be as concerned about her well being as you are. you are right to say something. if you set some ground rules with him (if he cant follow them, than he can't see her) that include not having discussions about her while she is around, maybe that would help. i am blessed to have a caring, loving husband so i can only imagine what your situation is like, but i really do feel for you. at least his time with her is limited, and you are her main care giver. she knows you love her and wants whats best and thats what matters

While I don't agree with the smoking around children, if there is a visitation agreement by the court, she can not withhold visitation from him or she can be charged with contempt.

My husband's best friend went through this with his ex for another reason and she ended up in jail for contempt.