Tell me your favorite joke. We all need a good laugh.. Good
Replies
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An elderly man is having problems with his "manhood" so he goes to see the doctor.
"Sir," the doctor says, "I know this is a delicate situation, but I need a sample of your semen. You can take this cup home and bring it back tomorrow, if that is more comfortable for you."
The old man returns the next day and the cup is empty. The doctor asks the little old man what happened.
"Well, I tried by myself, my wife tried. She tried with her hands and her mouth, with her dentures in and with her dentures out. Then a neighbor lady came over and she tried, even trying with it between her knees and under her neck..."
"WHAT?!" the doctor exclaimed. "You involved a neighbor too?!"
"Yep," said the little old man, agitatedly, "and no matter what we did, we couldn't get the lid off that d@mn cup!"0 -
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' Drizzle.0 -
Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year, And every year Bill would say, "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter " Blanche always replied, "I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance" To this, Blanche replied, "Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars." Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "
Bill replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!”0 -
two dogs are walking down the street and they see parking meters and one says to the other, look pay toilets.
Haha, I've never heard this one before!Q- Why did the monkey fall out of the tree??
A- Because it was dead.
Q - Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A - Because it was stapled to the first monkey.0 -
A husband was in big trouble after forgetting his wedding anniversary.
His wife scathingly told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday0 -
A dog limps into a bar, sits on the bar stool and says to the bartender "I'm look'en for the guy who shot my paw!"
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Laughter IS the best medicine!!!!!0 -
My alter ego is Sr. Philippa, a nun character I play at the Renaissance Faire. Here are some of her favorite jokes:
What do you get when you mix holy water with prune juice?
A religious movement.
What do you call the sister who lives upstairs?
Nun of the Above
What do you call a sister who sleepwalks?
A Roamin' Catholic0 -
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill
the hole in.. They worked up one side of the street, then down the
other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't
understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm
impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work,
but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your
partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose
it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.0 -
A husband was in big trouble after forgetting his wedding anniversary.
His wife scathingly told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday
Ouch! That is funny!Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill
the hole in.. They worked up one side of the street, then down the
other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't
understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm
impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work,
but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your
partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose
it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.
I LOVE THIS!0 -
A chicken and an egg were in the bed. The chicken was laying back, smoking a cigarette and smiling contentedly. The egg was frowning and appeared to be a bit pissed off.
Guess that answers that question............0 -
A chicken and an egg were in the bed. The chicken was laying back, smoking a cigarette and smiling contentedly. The egg was frowning and appeared to be a bit pissed off.
Guess that answers that question............
Which came first - the chicken or the egg? I have that shirt...0 -
Ok – so there are 3 mad scientists trying to think up what to do for their next wacky experiment. The maddest one says,
“Why don’t we stick a cork up a cow’s *kitten*, then leave it to see what happens?”
They all agree that this is a suitable waste of their time and a mad endeavour, so they find a cow, insert their patented latex cork, and retire to the lab where they promptly forget about the poor animal for 2 months. When they finally remember, they revisit the field to see the cow is now ten times the size it used to be.
“Well I’m not going anywhere near that back end” says the first scientist,
“So what do we do?” says the second,
“I know” says the third, “We’ll train a monkey to remove the cork”
So another month goes by whilst they train a monkey to remove a cork from a plastic cow in the lab. When they eventually return to the field again the cow is the size of a house. Nobody wants to be near the cow at the moment of relief, so the wimpiest scientist stands a mile away with a set of binoculars. The second stands half that distance away and the third, (who is absolutely gaga), stands about 20 feet away where he slips the chain off of the monkey.
The guy with the binoculars here’s a loud explosion then sees *kitten* flying towards him which lands almost to his toes. He puts on his wellies and goes to rescue his comrades, the first of which is buried to his waist in the stuff. When they reach the man who is the closest they have to dig deep even to find the top of his head, but when they do find and resuscitate him he collapses into howls of laughter,
“You stupid *kitten*”, says his colleague, “you just drowned in cow *kitten*, what the hell is so funny?”, and the laughing scientist says
“You should have seen the monkey trying to put the cork back in”
(my favourite since I was 12 – I haven’t really progressed since then)0 -
Whatdaya call a dog w/ stubby short legs & steel balls?
Sparky!
Teehee:bigsmile:0 -
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"0 -
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells down to the othr sisters, "Was I getting in or out of
the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I
going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."0 -
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells down to the othr sisters, "Was I getting in or out of
the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I
going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
HAHA, that's awesome!0
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