Tell me your favorite joke. We all need a good laugh.. Good

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2

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  • Ajontheguitar
    Ajontheguitar Posts: 695
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    I want to die peacefully in my sleep. I don't want to be panicking like the passengers in his car.
  • mandy2571
    mandy2571 Posts: 15 Member
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    What black and white and black and white and black and white??

    A penguin rolling down a hill...


    Whats black and white and laughing??

    The penguin that pushed him.
  • eml48341
    eml48341 Posts: 88 Member
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    A single Chinese man owns a Chinese restaurant, and one day a beautiful Chinese woman walks in. He immediately walks over and asks her out on a date. She agrees. They go out for a while, and soon, the man proposes to her. She says "Yes, but before we do, there's something you must know. I have never had the sex, but I've read about it." He says that it's not a problem, and they are married.

    On their honeymoon, the man tells his wife that since she's a virgin, she can choose what they do first. She says "Oh, most honorable husband. I am honored to be your wife, even though I have never had the sex, but I've read about it. So, I have chosen to have the 69.

    The husband looks confused, and after thinking about it, he says "You want.. beef and broccoli?"
  • keepkickingbutt
    keepkickingbutt Posts: 49 Member
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    Thanks everyone for the great laughs!!!

    Two snakes are sitting in a tree.
    One says to the other, "Are we poisonous?"
    The second snake says "Yeah, of course we are!"
    The first one looks horrified, gasps, and squeaks "OH NO! I just bit my tongue!!!!"
  • gilmangirl
    gilmangirl Posts: 18 Member
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    What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
    They were all born on holidays!
  • jend114
    jend114 Posts: 1,058 Member
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    How does lady gaga like her meat?

    raw raw raw-ra-ra
  • Mdbondurant
    Mdbondurant Posts: 104
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    Q. What happens when you put the energizer bunny's batteries in backwards?


    (I love this one)

    A. He keeps coming and coming and coming....

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • CountryDevil
    CountryDevil Posts: 819 Member
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    Found out today that you are suppose urinate on a jellyfish sting not a jellyfish stain. Sorry strange lady at the IHOP. Just trying to help....
  • CountryDevil
    CountryDevil Posts: 819 Member
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    It's been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches and it doesn't really matter if it is Visa or Mastercard.
  • dmoses
    dmoses Posts: 786 Member
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    A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch d**k, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

    The small guy faints!

    The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?"

    The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"

    The big guy looks down and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch ****, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

    The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said, "Turn around."
  • SmartFunGorgeous
    SmartFunGorgeous Posts: 699 Member
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    An elderly man is having problems with his "manhood" so he goes to see the doctor.

    "Sir," the doctor says, "I know this is a delicate situation, but I need a sample of your semen. You can take this cup home and bring it back tomorrow, if that is more comfortable for you."

    The old man returns the next day and the cup is empty. The doctor asks the little old man what happened.

    "Well, I tried by myself, my wife tried. She tried with her hands and her mouth, with her dentures in and with her dentures out. Then a neighbor lady came over and she tried, even trying with it between her knees and under her neck..."

    "WHAT?!" the doctor exclaimed. "You involved a neighbor too?!"

    "Yep," said the little old man, agitatedly, "and no matter what we did, we couldn't get the lid off that d@mn cup!"
  • VeganGal84
    VeganGal84 Posts: 938 Member
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    Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

    Fo' Drizzle.
  • Mdbondurant
    Mdbondurant Posts: 104
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    Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year, And every year Bill would say, "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter " Blanche always replied, "I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
    One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance" To this, Blanche replied, "Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"

    The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars." Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

    The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word...
    When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "

    Bill replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!”
  • godroxmysox
    godroxmysox Posts: 1,491 Member
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    two dogs are walking down the street and they see parking meters and one says to the other, look pay toilets.

    Haha, I've never heard this one before!

    Q- Why did the monkey fall out of the tree??

    A- Because it was dead. :)

    Q - Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

    A - Because it was stapled to the first monkey.
  • seriousaboutlife
    seriousaboutlife Posts: 177 Member
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    A husband was in big trouble after forgetting his wedding anniversary.

    His wife scathingly told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

    The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a new bathroom scale.

    Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday
  • unhinge
    unhinge Posts: 318 Member
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    A dog limps into a bar, sits on the bar stool and says to the bartender "I'm look'en for the guy who shot my paw!"

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    Laughter IS the best medicine!!!!!
  • AdAstra47
    AdAstra47 Posts: 823 Member
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    My alter ego is Sr. Philippa, a nun character I play at the Renaissance Faire. Here are some of her favorite jokes:

    What do you get when you mix holy water with prune juice?
    A religious movement.

    What do you call the sister who lives upstairs?
    Nun of the Above

    What do you call a sister who sleepwalks?
    A Roamin' Catholic
  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
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    Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
    One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill
    the hole in.. They worked up one side of the street, then down the
    other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
    without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

    An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't
    understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm
    impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work,
    but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your
    partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

    The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose
    it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
    But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.
  • godroxmysox
    godroxmysox Posts: 1,491 Member
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    A husband was in big trouble after forgetting his wedding anniversary.

    His wife scathingly told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

    The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a new bathroom scale.

    Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday

    Ouch! That is funny!

    Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
    One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill
    the hole in.. They worked up one side of the street, then down the
    other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
    without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

    An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't
    understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm
    impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work,
    but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your
    partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

    The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose
    it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
    But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.

    I LOVE THIS!
  • Goal4Good
    Goal4Good Posts: 115
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    A chicken and an egg were in the bed. The chicken was laying back, smoking a cigarette and smiling contentedly. The egg was frowning and appeared to be a bit pissed off.

    Guess that answers that question............

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