Advice for me re: teenage daughter

balancebean

I have a daughter who is 5'0" and 175 lbs. She is a compulsive overeater (sneaks, binges, seeks high sugar-high carb foods) and she is sedentary; a bad combination.

Last summer (2010) I sent her to weight loss camp for a month (with her consent). She dropped 10 lbs., became more fit, and could recite all the do's and dont's of weight loss.

Since she came back, food sneaking has worsened. She has gained about 15 lbs. in the past year. Everytime she goes out with friends, she eats; when she's left alone she eats. She eats no fruits or vegetables. I know this is very unhealthy. I've taken her to doctors, counselors, etc. How can I will her to get on a healthy path?

Did I mention she wants to be the next cake boss? Even though I don't stock snacks in the house, she'll bake them while I'm at work.

claire_xox

I think weight loss is in a way on par with weight gain for severely underweight people. You can't make someone to get help until they want it for themselves. by all means encourage her and don't support an unhealthy lifestyle but you can't really do much until she wants it. Her age is a big factor too, is she young teenage or older? Older really limits the influence you have on her.
Make sure meals she does eat at home are really health?
good luck

helloburger

Perhaps it is the whole *teenager* phase, where you are trying to get her to do one thing, and she is doing the opposite instead. if she's eating constantly it maybe due to boredom or comfort eating. Do you sit down to have meals together? lunch? dinner? etc

Scoochie1

I'd love nothing better than to eat cake all day too but you have to try to control yourself.
All I can suggest (from the many TV programmes on the topic) is that anyone who eats that was is very unhappy about another area of their life and using food for comfort. And the teen years are pretty horrific.
Could be worse, she could be turning to drink or drugs - so of all the evils this is probably the best one. Clearly - I don't know your daughter so my guess could be miles off.

balancebean

Thanks Claire. It is so hard to sit back and feel so helpless. BTW, she is 16

Jessamin

As someone who was recently an obese teenager, I would advise that you are pretty much doing all you should sensibly do. Steer her in the right path, don't stock unhealthy food. She will have to realise for herself that being unhealthy is not fun, as we have all had to. You can't force/coerce someone to change, it will be very temporary. Try and get her to exercise with you, cook healthy food with you, etc. Other than that, keep on truckin'.

balancebean

I'd love nothing better than to eat cake all day too but you have to try to control yourself.
All I can suggest (from the many TV programmes on the topic) is that anyone who eats that was is very unhappy about another area of their life and using food for comfort. And the teen years are pretty horrific.
Could be worse, she could be turning to drink or drugs - so of all the evils this is probably the best one. Clearly - I don't know your daughter so my guess could be miles off.

No, you're pretty on target. She struggles in school which makes her unhappy. She's unhappy with her weight, so she comforts by eating. You are right, thank God no drinking or drugs. She has a few good friends that are good kids. I thought part of this could be rebellious, so I've backed off.

mrsgrumpypants

This does sound like comfort eating, and perhaps the ideal way to tackle it would be to find out why she is seeking comfort or consolation - some sort of stress or unhappiness? It's such a difficult age and my children certainly never told me much then. If she wants to be a baker, maybe some formal chef training would give her a healthier view of food.

yaddayaddayadda

I have a 20 year old daughter... we've been through some tough times too -- not with weight, but with school grades. I'm a teacher, and sometimes a control freak. Since grades were important to me, that was the battle ground. I have had to step back and hold my tounge with her. Since I have done so, her grades have improved and she is doing well in college -- this was not the case during her final years of high school when I was focused on her grades.

How old is your daughter... if she is in her late teens or older, my suggestion is for you to stop owning her weight. Do not bring up the topic of weight with her. Whenever she brings it up, communicate to her that she is responsible for her weight, and that you have faith in her abilities to choose what to eat. Have healthy choices around for her and model appropriate eating and exercise behaviors.

I spent lots of money on therapy to learn that when we mothers let go and hand over the responsibility to our older children, things tend to work out. Its a lot less stressful for us when we no longer battle for control... plus our children become more capable and confident...

Good Luck! The mother-daughter thing is really challenging:-)

psb13

i have a 17 year old daughter. it's taken me awhile to realize that even though we had been very close, and still are in some regards, she is struggling to pull away and find who she is on her own-without any influence from me. it's very hard to stand by and watch her make mistakes that i could help her to avoid, but as long as she is not a danger to herself or others, i let her. i realize that what your daughter is doing could be endangering her health-my daughter has also made choices that aren't in her best interest (she has issues with depression), but i can only do so much to help her. you didn't mention how old of a teen your daughter is, but at some point they all go through the time of doing exactly the opposite of what we say, just "because". all that being said, i think that counseling sounds like it might be the best for her at this point. my daughter has gained some weight related to medications. i know that has been hard for her as she watches (and comments on) my weight loss. could this also be a factor as you lose weight? teens listen to everyone EXCEPT their parents. that's why i think counseling could be helpful-someone who isn't a parent helping her to make better choices. best of luck to both of you. feel free to friend request if you'd like another mom of a teen on your friend list.

balancebean

Thanks everyone. You guys ROCK! You've just reminded me; Let go and let God. I'll keep modeling appropriate behavior, offer support, and ask for a little Divine intervention.

dmpizza

My son is similar. He went to an academic camp and must have gained 20 pounnds in 3 weeks from overeating at dinner.
He has "emotional difficulties" so making him correct his behavior is very difficult.
We tend to just not keep snack food in the house because of him, but what he will do is take 6 slices of untoasted white bread and eat that. UGGHH

jcannon15

I was that girl as a teen, my mom pushed and pushed back even harder. It wasnt until she left me alone and i wanted for myself that i became serious and lost weight. I was super resentful when she'd lecture and push and unfortunately the only way to cope was sneaking food because i was critiized when i snacked in front of her.

joehempel

I know that you can't control what she does outside of the house, but have you tried removing EVERYTHING that's like that in your house?

Idea being if it's not in the house than she can't eat it. So you at least have some control over what's going on.

balancebean

@joe, Yes, I no longer buy any snacks, certain cereals, peanut butter, crackers. Unfortunately, she binges on milk, light yogurt, skinny cow ice cream, and bread. She will bake cookies and banana bread from scratch when I'm not home. Other than locking the fridge and cupboards...

dad106

Have you tried taking her to a psychologist that specializes in this type of disorder? Compulsive eating is considered an eating disorder, just like anorexia/bulima are.

Honestly, you mention locking the fridge and cupboards.. and that may not be a bad idea until you can figure out why she is doing this and how to help her.

cedarhurst2006

My daughter is 15 and I think what helped her is that we do it together. We eat keep a food diary and we joined the gym together and we go almost every day. Once we walk into the gym, we kind of head to different machines but at the end we always say, So how did you do today? I'm going to paste two posts I've made that may be helpful for you.............

1, Buy some cheap, colored bangle bracelets. I have black, gold and silver. In the morning, I put 5 (you can determine how many), of each color on my right wrist. Black is for water, gold is for fruit and silver is for veggies. As I have a serving of each, I move the appropriate bangle from my right wrist to my left. The bracelets are cool and she can keep track of healthy eating without anyone knowing. It may be a good start for her and keep her focused.

2. Once my daughter had some NSVs, she would write them on a post-it sticky and put them on the wall in her room. So, when she tried on a pair of pants and needed a belt- STICKY NOTE. When she saw in the mirror that she could see some muscle tone in her arm - STICKY NOTE. When she felt more confident in a bathing suite - STICKY NOTE. When someone noticed - STICKY NOTE> All positive things, each one important but when she sees all of them on the wall, she knows her hard work pays off.

3. Our gym offers a complimentary visit with a personal trainer. Have someone else meet with her other than you.

4. Our family is a family of bakers (pastry, specifically). Try the books, eat this not that. cook this not that. They just talk about eating all kinds of foods but thinking first and why choosing one over the other could make a difference in a positive way.

I hope some of these are helpful.

kr3851

I was the obese teenager. I was also the morbidly obese young woman.

Now I'm the obese 20-something who's looking forward to being overweight, and dreaming of being healthy.

Even though i was unhappy being the weight I was in my teen/young adult years, it never really clicked to lose until now. Sure, my mum (who is also overweight, both my parents are) encouraged me to eat a bit better, join the gym - gently guided me when she got some motivation together herself. We joined a gym together and both worked to lose some weight together.

But it just wasn't right in my head. I didn't WANT it like I want it now. It was just a simmering feeling. Now it's burning - I couldn't stop it if I tried.

She'll do it when she's ready.

yaddayaddayadda

She will bake cookies and banana bread from scratch when I'm not home. Other than locking the fridge and cupboards...

Don't lock anything... when she bakes, take a small portion for yourself, and tell her how delicious it is. DONT nag or give "the mother talk."

You can't MAKE her... that's what this is all about. Once she knows you aren't trying to make her, she will be responsibile for own weight.

cedarhurst2006

Another thought to add to my previous post:

**Have her make the recipes posted on this forum. Encourage her love for cooking/baking and see if she will see the benefits.

balancebean

To All: She's been to doctors and is being treated for depression. I don't lock the fridge and cupboards (just joking about that). We have a catalog of low fat recipes from her weight loss camp. I've told her about this website and how much I like it (secretly hoping she'd check it out). I invite her to exercise with me (without forcing the issue). I don't eat what she bakes because 1) I can't afford that added calories and 2) I feel like it's condoning the behavior.