Advice for me re: teenage daughter

Lozze

BalanceBeam, as someone whose mother 'tried to help me eat healthy' from 11 years old there's not much you can do. Give her the support she needs with the depression and healthy food in the house. But the reality?

You can't change her habits. In fact you could be inadvertently making them worse.

I am SO screwed up from years of being asked 'should you eat that? Lauren you're getting bigger' I was 5'6 and 70kg at 12. I was healthy. After sixteen years of the BS I'm now 130kg. As you can tell it worked WONDERFULLY having my mother 'help' me.

Leave her be. I struggle with a lot of resentment towards my mother, because no matter what she refuses to admit that she didn't handle it very well. I love my mum to death, but she drives me up the wall as she will not realise that doing the same thing she's done for sixteen years will not magically start working today.

ndswimchick22

I would say, don't buy the junk food for her to eat in the house. Change your whole families lifestyles by bringing in different healthy foods and snacks that the whole family can enjoy and try together.

Invite a night once a week where you and her get together and try to make a healthy dinner for your family, or for her friends.

I would also encourage her to bake, but challenge her to make healthy snacks and desserts, that you can eat as well. Since I started my healthy lifestyle, I decided that I still need to bake, but I challenge myself to make crazy healthy and low-fat deserts that my friends and family will eat.

Hope this helps.

ncwingnut71

My daughter is 18 and she is very overweight (283lbs). We have had the mother/daughter battle going on for the past 2 years, but about 4 months ago, we finally hashed it out and have come to an agreement.

She actually approached ME about joining a gym and working on weight. We joined last month. While she is still trying to figure out in her own way her eating (she does not eat a lot and I think that is part of her problem....over 80% of obese people are actually malnurished and their bodies hang on to fat), and working out, she is going the right direction. And it was at HER timing. I just moved her into her dorm at college this past Friday. I work less than 10 minutes from her college and we plan on still meeting at the gym in the evenings and she has a trainer she is going to work with. I can also go to the fitness center at the school with her for free.

I never keep pop or junk food in the house. I would rather spend my money on fruit and such. She would go and buy it herself - since she was working, I couldn't stop her. But she finally realized that that is not who she wants to be anymore.

She'll figure it out and so will you

beach_bum_gurl

BalanceBeam, as someone whose mother 'tried to help me eat healthy' from 11 years old there's not much you can do. Give her the support she needs with the depression and healthy food in the house. But the reality?

You can't change her habits. In fact you could be inadvertently making them worse.

I am SO screwed up from years of being asked 'should you eat that? Lauren you're getting bigger' I was 5'6 and 70kg at 12. I was healthy. After sixteen years of the BS I'm now 130kg. As you can tell it worked WONDERFULLY having my mother 'help' me.

Leave her be. I struggle with a lot of resentment towards my mother, because no matter what she refuses to admit that she didn't handle it very well. I love my mum to death, but she drives me up the wall as she will not realise that doing the same thing she's done for sixteen years will not magically start working today.

^^^^^THIS^^^^^

I feel like this poster was writing my story.

I know that you (the OP) have stated that you have taken your daughter to doctors and counselors, but have you taken your daughter to a cognitive behavioral therapist that specializes in eating disorders? I found this type of therapy very helpful in my weight loss journey as I struggled through my 30's.

I say back off. Tell her that you care about her weight, and will help her in any way she asks you to, but tell her that she now owns it. It is her life and it is up to her. As hard as that will be for you, it will probably decrease any resentment she has for you (and as someone who has/is walking that road, she has resentment, although it may be lurking in her sub-conscious at this point) and may spur her to make positive choices related to her weight and health.

balancebean

@ beachbum; I've taken her to an MD who specializes in eating disorders, but not a cognitive behavioral therapist . I think I am going to wait until she asks for help, but let her know I'm here at any time.

petey247

My family and I are all taking a weight loss / healthier lifestyle journey together. And throughout this journey, we've had to make many adjustments to the way that we used to view food - particularly desserts.

I can empathize with your daughter. I have always run to food for comfort; and because that's been my MO since adolescence, I've become quite a good baker. Weight loss is not about denial, it's about moderation. I HAD to find a way to keep some of my treats in the menu, so as part of a science experiment with my daughters, I've begun accurately calculating total calorie content of all baked goods, and as an extension, calories per serving.

Amazed and sometimes disgusted from where the bulk of the calories come, we've started on a mission to change all of our 'tried and true' recipes to make them less calorie dense while still maintaining the flavor we love. We've taken trips to the store together to look for new and interesting ingredient options. We've substituted homemade applesauce for oil. We've started growing and using Stevia in baked goods. We've started making our own jams and jellies for pastry fillings. We've even started adding beans to brownie batter to reduce the amount of flour used.

Because we are over complicating things and making some ingredient components ourselves, not every treat is finished and consumed at the end of a baking session. The end product can sometimes be delayed for days, so the lower calorie treats don't have to be added to the food diary till later - keeping our weight loss on track. Some don't turn out so great, but when they do, the excitement and pride we feel overpowers any sadness that drove us to the kitchen to begin with.

This new way of baking has made me feel creative and proud of what I am serving my family. I feel satiated by still being able to eat a fresh baked cookie, and I feel better about myself because I am still making a effort to better myself.

Maybe the answer isn't restricting your daughter's baking. Maybe the answer is to challenge her creativity. See if she can make a cake for under 200 calories a slice that actually tastes good, or a semi-guiltless cookie. If she gets good enough, publish the recipes or open your own Skinny Bakery and retire.

Forensic

Personally, my only advice is to back off. Seriously. To a 16 year old girl, having a mother that's harping on her weight and sending her to weight loss campus will only destroy her self-esteem even further than it probably already is. School is a very cruel place. If there's something to mock a person for, they're being mocked for it. Too short? Too fat? Not the right clothes, too tall, too smart? They're all getting guff for it. Hopefully home could be a place where they can be supported. Hell I know that even with parents that rarely mentioned my weight to me, school was plenty to have me brand myself as fat, worthless, and never going to amount to anything.

christine24t

I disagree with some of the posts above about letting it go and not helping her. You would never turn your back on your child if they had anorexia or bulimia, so why would you turn your back on your child who is suffering from an overeating disorder??

Sometimes, people do certain behaviors as a cry for help. If she was truly embarrassed about her behavior, she would try to hide it. However, since she is dangling the evidence in front of you, I think she is asking for your help without saying those words. Think about it this way. Oftentimes, we are scared to say what we want. Let's say you're sitting at home with your family, and you really want Chinese food for dinner. Some people can just come right out and say, "Hey, I really want Chinese tonight." And some people can't. They might start by talking about how hungry they are, and wait for someone to validate that yes, they are hungry too. Then you start thinking of places to eat by your house, and then Chinese food finally comes up. That's a pretty bad example, but my point is that it is awfully hard to come out and say what you want.

Help her now while she is still underage. It's much harder to help your child after they turn 18.

msiamjan

Do not bring up the topic of weight with her. Whenever she brings it up, communicate to her that she is responsible for her weight, and that you have faith in her abilities to choose what to eat. Have healthy choices around for her and model appropriate eating and exercise behaviors.


Good Luck! The mother-daughter thing is really challenging:-)

I too would recommend backing off a bit. You pushing will more likely simply make her feel worse about herself, which in the long run won't be productive. My Mom hassled me about my weight and put me on various diets and mostly what that accomplished was pretty well messing up my metabolism and promoting self loathing and making my weight make me feel unworthy. Better that she know how very much you love her, no matter what she weighs, and how much you value her strengths, rather than focusing on her area of weakness. IMHO.

sweetsapphire85

My mother was the same way with both my sister and myself, and I can understand your concern completely. You do want her to be healthy and feel good about herself and motivate her to make good choices. Unfortunately sometimes it doesn't work with everyone. My sister continues to put weight on from eating out often, never hitting the gym etc. and wonders how it happens.

I knew when i was a teen I wasn't happy with the way my body appeared and by my mothers comments I knew she felt the same way and it would make me feel worse about myself. But I was unwilling to make the changes at that point. I think the important thing here is **DON'T LET THIS BE THE ONLY THING YOU TALK ABOUT WITH HER** (not that you do) but my mother became obsessive over it and the more she said the less I heard anything she mentioned. When she only talked about this I felt even worse and never thought i would be good enough for her (ie: I thought she would always find something wrong with me or something i could improve instead of loving me for just being her daughter)

I'm sure she is aware of her weight if she was willing to go through certain measures that you recommended, It's the follow through she has problems with in the long term, which is a battle of her own personality finding that discipline and balance. Even if she loses weight now when she moves to college or moves out on her own without monitoring and being reminded she will pick the weight back up. I would talk to someone (maybe a counselor) about ways to help your daughter to delay impulse gratification (I want brownies therefore I will make them now and eat 1/2 a pan because they taste soooo good). Removing brownies from the home she will find them elsewhere unless she has the skills to think "1 is enough".

I hope what i said wasn't offensive, as it wasn't meant to be. I know you are honestly concerned as you should be.

hbrekkaas

I think you are doing all you can do already. You can keep the junk out of the house, encourage her to eat better, invite her to exercise etc. but you can't force her to do anything. She is a teenager, and has her own mind and needs to make her own decisions. Just let her now that you are always there for her and keep doing what you are doing.

gfchica

I don't really have any advise for you but I've enjoyed reading what everyone is suggesting. I have 16 year old twins, they just turned 16, and no matter how much I talk to them about healthy eating and drinking enough fluids, they just don't want to hear it from me. Even with exercise. They don't like their thighs and we bought an elliptical and they use it but not seriously. I've casually mentioned how they should be working out on the elliptical if they really want to see results in fitness but I left it at that. I eat separate meals, mostly due to food issues, but I eat much healthier than my family but I still cook them well rounded meals. The problem is that they love carbs and will always eat more of those. I've realized that all I can really do at this point is continue to set a good example and let them come to me for help if they want it. They know that they have poor eating habits but I don't think they believe that it's really that bad for them. They'll try all kinds of diet tips from friends and magazines, looking for a quick fix, but they aren't interesting in investing themselves in long term habit changes. At least not yet. I wish you the best of luck with your daughter.

mermx

I am an ex child psychologist (retired) you have had lots of good advice from previous posts :-)

In the main, she is 16 yo? she is trying to find her way in life and make her mark against you and the establishment in general! She wants to go along with what you are telling her, because she still has `a childs` mind but in otherways she is developing into a young woman and wants to stamp her own opinions an not be `told what to do`

My advice is to do as you have been doing try to lead her, be supportive, but not pushy, make out that your suggestions are her own ideas.

Take her shopping with you, ask her to do the shopping? Give her responsibilities but limit them.

It is very difficult, she has a lot of hormones and at this age, she probably goes through stages where she loves you and hates you all at the same time.

Just be consistent (which is very hard) and you will get there

Good luck x

cabaray

Is she obsessive with other things besides food? She could be OCD. With proper medication, it could be better. My daughter would hide food. We took her to a psychatrist and with the right meds, she lost over 20 pounds and no longer obsesses about food. Also, if she's been diagnosed with depression, I would take her to a psychiatrist rather than a general practioner as there could be other things going on. Just my two cents.

i_love_vinegar

For her baking, maybe get rid of the baking supplies...I am sure her skills will not disappear!!!

Get rid of the vanilla extract, don't stock sugar in the house, nor baking soda/baking flour.

Keep lots of fruit and popciscles (low calorie) for when she wants something sweet. Also try high-fiber tasty cereals ^.^


For beverages, maybe only keep bags of tea and bottles of water in the house...have her make tea or drink water if she is thirsty (0 calories).


I hope this helps!!!!

i_love_vinegar

I disagree with some of the posts above about letting it go and not helping her. You would never turn your back on your child if they had anorexia or bulimia, so why would you turn your back on your child who is suffering from an overeating disorder??

Sometimes, people do certain behaviors as a cry for help. If she was truly embarrassed about her behavior, she would try to hide it. However, since she is dangling the evidence in front of you, I think she is asking for your help without saying those words. Think about it this way. Oftentimes, we are scared to say what we want. Let's say you're sitting at home with your family, and you really want Chinese food for dinner. Some people can just come right out and say, "Hey, I really want Chinese tonight." And some people can't. They might start by talking about how hungry they are, and wait for someone to validate that yes, they are hungry too. Then you start thinking of places to eat by your house, and then Chinese food finally comes up. That's a pretty bad example, but my point is that it is awfully hard to come out and say what you want.

Help her now while she is still underage. It's much harder to help your child after they turn 18.

I completely agree with this btw! Unless your daughter is telling you something like, "big is beautiful, I love being overweight" etc then...chances are she would probably prefer to be thinner. I agree that she probably does this in front of you as a cry for help. She wants you to step in as her mom and DISCIPLINE HER. This means saying, "NO!" when she eats poorly and rewarding her when she does well (ex. buy her a dvd she likes or give her a gift certificate to the mall).

Ask your daughter if she would like to be thinner, or she is happy at her weight. If she earnestly says she is happy at her weight, ask why to double check she is. If she likes it, that's that (although I would still suggest finding ways to make her lose a little weight, such as only keeping small amounts of sugar or butter in the house plus limiting other baking supplies such as eggs). If she seems unhappy with her weight, offer to be her coach. Tell her you will give her rewards and encourage her in losing weight. And follow through!

Good luck!!!

KnottyNCrotchety

My 17 year old daughter and I struggle with this too. For her it is not an eating disorder, but part of her ADD. She is simply unable to think ahead to see the consequences. She wants ice cream, so she eats ice cream, without thinking that if it was a box of 6 ice cream bars and there are 6 people in our family, then she is really only supposed to have one and leave the other 5 for the rest of the family. While my daughter has a more severe lack of ability to forsee the future in her decisions, it is something that all people under the age of 25 struggle with as their brains are just not developed enough for this. I worry constantly about diabetes, cholesterol problems and more, but agree with others that the more I make a big deal about this the less it helps her. Really, really hard.

Anyhoo...I don't know if your daughter exhibits any other signs of Attention Deficit Disorder, but it is often overlooked in girls as they rarely have the hyperactivity component that makes it so obvious in boys.

JNick77

I have a daughter who is 5'0" and 175 lbs. She is a compulsive overeater (sneaks, binges, seeks high sugar-high carb foods) and she is sedentary; a bad combination.

Last summer (2010) I sent her to weight loss camp for a month (with her consent). She dropped 10 lbs., became more fit, and could recite all the do's and dont's of weight loss.

Since she came back, food sneaking has worsened. She has gained about 15 lbs. in the past year. Everytime she goes out with friends, she eats; when she's left alone she eats. She eats no fruits or vegetables. I know this is very unhealthy. I've taken her to doctors, counselors, etc. How can I will her to get on a healthy path?

Did I mention she wants to be the next cake boss? Even though I don't stock snacks in the house, she'll bake them while I'm at work.

Having stubborn teenagers myself, I feel for ya'.

First, stop keeping stuff in the house that enables her to bake the crap she wants. It may take some sacrifice on your part as well but if she doesn't have the supplies to make what she wants then that will limit that. Where is she getting money from to eat out all the time? If she's using lunch money then stop giving her lunch money and buy stuff for her to make healthy lunches with. It really comes down to you. If there's anything that you're doing that might be enabling the behavior then you'll need to stop. I know my wife like to negotiate with the kids on everything and there's a point where you have to step back and stop negotiating, they're kids and kids need a yes/no answer and that's it.

christine24t

Also maybe she should get a job to keep busy and keep her mind off food. Preferably one not in the food industry. She could cashier at a store like Target or Walmart, or work at an after school program, or even just volunteer somewhere!!

JNick77

Also maybe she should get a job to keep busy and keep her mind off food. Preferably one not in the food industry. She could cashier at a store like Target or Walmart, or work at an after school program, or even just volunteer somewhere!!

That could be really good and could be bad. It would be good because it could give her some self-confidence and maybe that would help. It could be bad because if it's not a self-confidence issue then she now had more money for crap and would be working in a pace that sells plenty of it.