Engagement hints?
Lizmhoughton
Posts: 92 Member
So maybe I'm crazy, but I hope not.
Here's some background info:
I have been with my bf for 2 years now and just turned 26, he will be 27 in a little over a month. I currently live in NJ but I am from TX. He is born and raised in NJ. People up here don't tend to get married before 30, where as in TX almost all of my friends are married and have kids. I'm not in a hurry, but I don't think I should have to wait until 30. We had our own places our first year together. He bought a house last year, and he wanted me to move in. I did, but I told him I would prefer to be engaged or married. His answer was that 'living together is a pre-engagement step' and 'whats the difference if it happens now or a year from now'. I moved in because it seemed like we were headed in the right direction.
We are visiting my family in TX for Thanksgiving this year. Some parts of my family I only get to see every other Thanksgiving, so it would be just awesome if we had news to give them during this visit. We are going on an anniversary trip to San Diego in a couple of weeks, and I am trying to not get my hopes up. I have known that I want to marry him since our first few months together, so it feels like i've been waiting forever. We met on eharmony, so we knew each other pretty well before we started our relationship.
Question is:
How on earth do I hint at him without being pushy or making myself look stupid. I also don't know how to hint that my ring size on my left hand is about 1 or .5 smaller than my right without being too obvious.
I tell myself all the time to not even worry about it and just to wait and say nothing, but I would like to hear what other people think or what they have done if they've been in my situation. I'll drive myself crazy if I'm just alone in my own thoughts. lol
sorry for the long post, but thanks for reading it!
Here's some background info:
I have been with my bf for 2 years now and just turned 26, he will be 27 in a little over a month. I currently live in NJ but I am from TX. He is born and raised in NJ. People up here don't tend to get married before 30, where as in TX almost all of my friends are married and have kids. I'm not in a hurry, but I don't think I should have to wait until 30. We had our own places our first year together. He bought a house last year, and he wanted me to move in. I did, but I told him I would prefer to be engaged or married. His answer was that 'living together is a pre-engagement step' and 'whats the difference if it happens now or a year from now'. I moved in because it seemed like we were headed in the right direction.
We are visiting my family in TX for Thanksgiving this year. Some parts of my family I only get to see every other Thanksgiving, so it would be just awesome if we had news to give them during this visit. We are going on an anniversary trip to San Diego in a couple of weeks, and I am trying to not get my hopes up. I have known that I want to marry him since our first few months together, so it feels like i've been waiting forever. We met on eharmony, so we knew each other pretty well before we started our relationship.
Question is:
How on earth do I hint at him without being pushy or making myself look stupid. I also don't know how to hint that my ring size on my left hand is about 1 or .5 smaller than my right without being too obvious.
I tell myself all the time to not even worry about it and just to wait and say nothing, but I would like to hear what other people think or what they have done if they've been in my situation. I'll drive myself crazy if I'm just alone in my own thoughts. lol
sorry for the long post, but thanks for reading it!
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Replies
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If you are willing to make this kind of commitment to your boyfriend, why are you not willing to broach the subject and have an honest discussion? There are a LOT of things you need to be able to talk about to have a successful and happy relationship. Why are you letting him set the timeline? I don't think you should hint at all. I think you should talk to him about where your relationship is going.0
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This is not going to be a popular opinion, but moving in with him was your first mistake if marriage is your goal. That's what guys do ... they say it's a pre-engagement step, but really, it's a "get her to stop talking about marriage" step.
As for 'what's the difference if it happens now or a year from now,' ask him what's the difference between having sex tonight or a year from tonight.
Men are only as stupid as the women in their lives allow them to be.0 -
Do what i did.... get a ring and ASK HIM!!! Why do you have to wait for him to ask you is my question?? If it's that important to you, then take innitiative. Then you'll definately have your answer.0
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Well, I don't want to push him. I do feel like I am making most of the sacrifices though. If I hadn't met him I would be back in Texas, but I am staying in NJ for him. With him, a lot of things are more assumed than talked about. I think he assumes that since we live together that means that we will get married. I on the other hand have trained myself to not assume anything.
His brother waited 4 years to propose to his gf. They're getting married in a few weeks. I told him after they got engaged that I wouldn't wait that long because I just don't see the point. I think he knows how I feel, but doesn't know how to express himself or doesn't feel the need to.
He did tell me that when on a weekend trip with his friends they were all saying that we were going to be the first ones to get married. I don't want to get my hopes up with all of these things. I just would love to share such great news with my family during one of the few times I get to see them.
Perhaps there's too much pressure on the timeline, it would just be nice.0 -
This is not going to be a popular opinion, but moving in with him was your first mistake if marriage is your goal. That's what guys do ... they say it's a pre-engagement step, but really, it's a "get her to stop talking about marriage" step.
As for 'what's the difference if it happens now or a year from now,' ask him what's the difference between having sex tonight or a year from tonight.
Men are only as stupid as the women in their lives allow them to be.
wow... watch much lifetime?0 -
Do what i did.... get a ring and ASK HIM!!!
AWESOME!!!0 -
Do what i did.... get a ring and ASK HIM!!! Why do you have to wait for him to ask you is my question?? If it's that important to you, then take innitiative. Then you'll definately have your answer.
I have thought about it, but I would love for it to be the traditional he asked me.0 -
If he's not ready to ask he's probably not ready to get hitched.0
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Disagree. Many men move in with someone to see if they can live with them. It's one thing to be together, it's another to live together. I am so thankful I lived with my ex-girlfriend. It made me see how frustrated I would be if we had ended up being together forever. She was a slob. She left her clothes all over the place including the floor. I saw this at her apartment, and assumed because she was busy so she was this way. So I helped her clean up and organize it. It stayed pretty clean for a month or two, but then things started piling up. But I thought no biggie, I can deal with this. After living with her for 2 years this way, and endless arguments of just helping to clean up, we slept in separate rooms the last year and went our separate ways after the lease was up.This is not going to be a popular opinion, but moving in with him was your first mistake if marriage is your goal. That's what guys do ... they say it's a pre-engagement step, but really, it's a "get her to stop talking about marriage" step.
As for 'what's the difference if it happens now or a year from now,' ask him what's the difference between having sex tonight or a year from tonight.
Men are only as stupid as the women in their lives allow them to be.
I lived with my wife for 1 year before getting married. Totally different situation and knew then that we could handle each other.0 -
Leave this thread open and walk away from the computer...0
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This is not going to be a popular opinion, but moving in with him was your first mistake if marriage is your goal. That's what guys do ... they say it's a pre-engagement step, but really, it's a "get her to stop talking about marriage" step.
As for 'what's the difference if it happens now or a year from now,' ask him what's the difference between having sex tonight or a year from tonight.
Men are only as stupid as the women in their lives allow them to be.
He knows that I am a little paranoid about the whole 'eat your cake and have it too' thing, but I really don't think he is that type of guy. I just don't want him to wait 4 years because his brother did. Sometimes he thinks it's a TX thing to get hitched before 30, and maybe it is. He does know that I will be beyond pissed if I find out however many years from now that I've stayed in NJ for nothing when I could have been in TX. Perhaps that's too much pressure, but it's so true. lol0 -
This is not going to be a popular opinion, but moving in with him was your first mistake if marriage is your goal. That's what guys do ... they say it's a pre-engagement step, but really, it's a "get her to stop talking about marriage" step.
As for 'what's the difference if it happens now or a year from now,' ask him what's the difference between having sex tonight or a year from tonight.
Men are only as stupid as the women in their lives allow them to be.
wow... watch much lifetime?
I don't watch much TV at all, actually, but thanks for asking.0 -
Do what i did.... get a ring and ASK HIM!!! Why do you have to wait for him to ask you is my question?? If it's that important to you, then take innitiative. Then you'll definately have your answer.
I did that, too! Got him a ring, that is. Not me.0 -
FWIW...
As I read through your post, I get the feeling that you want the engagement to happen, in part, for the wrong reasons. Don't push an engagement because you are going to be seeing family and you want to share the news. Don't push the engagement because in TX everyone gets married earlier. Don't push the engagement because all your friends are married and have kids.
But by the same token, he shouldn't be delaying it simply because Jersey people don't get married until they are 30, or whatever else.
Get engaged and get married when it feels right. All this crap about age and everything else just muddies and already tough issue.
If you really love each other and are committed for the long term, then push for it. I get the feeling you are somewhat traditional about all this, so you proposing to him probably doesn't thrill you.
How long have you lived together? If you made it clear when you moved in things weren't progressing in the order you'd like them, then bring it up again. But to some extent, if he's not seriously thinking about proposing, marriage, long term etc, then you need to be ready for that. If he's not going to propose, are you going to stay with him? Is there a reason he's not proposing? These are all things you should be thinking about.0 -
This is not going to be a popular opinion, but moving in with him was your first mistake if marriage is your goal. That's what guys do ... they say it's a pre-engagement step, but really, it's a "get her to stop talking about marriage" step.
As for 'what's the difference if it happens now or a year from now,' ask him what's the difference between having sex tonight or a year from tonight.
Men are only as stupid as the women in their lives allow them to be.
:laugh: that's flipping awesome!
my myself, i live with my boyfriend..NOT in a rush to get married. that's going before god and family...i'm good, i'd much rather have my career and second degree first.0 -
His brother waited 4 years to propose to his gf. They're getting married in a few weeks. I told him after they got engaged that I wouldn't wait that long because I just don't see the point. I think he knows how I feel, but doesn't know how to express himself or doesn't feel the need to.
You need to just talk to him.
My husband and I dated 4 years before we moved in together. We got engaged 2 years later. And we got married 2 1/2 years after that. The timeline isnt' important...making sure it was the right thing to do was.0 -
The timeline isnt' important...making sure it was the right thing to do was.
*pounding the "like" button*0 -
He does know that I will be beyond pissed if I find out however many years from now that I've stayed in NJ for nothing when I could have been in TX. Perhaps that's too much pressure, but it's so true. lol
Wow, so do you think that he OWES you a ring? Because that's kind of how you make it sound. If you're the one with the arbitrary deadline then it's up to you to take the step toward it.
If a ring is really that important to you, then he probably needs you to be able to explain why in a way that makes sense to him, because clearly he feels like he isn't there yet.0 -
This is not going to be a popular opinion, but moving in with him was your first mistake if marriage is your goal. That's what guys do ... they say it's a pre-engagement step, but really, it's a "get her to stop talking about marriage" step.
As for 'what's the difference if it happens now or a year from now,' ask him what's the difference between having sex tonight or a year from tonight.
Men are only as stupid as the women in their lives allow them to be.
He knows that I am a little paranoid about the whole 'eat your cake and have it too' thing, but I really don't think he is that type of guy. I just don't want him to wait 4 years because his brother did. Sometimes he thinks it's a TX thing to get hitched before 30, and maybe it is. He does know that I will be beyond pissed if I find out however many years from now that I've stayed in NJ for nothing when I could have been in TX. Perhaps that's too much pressure, but it's so true. lol
K, it sounds to me like you should tell him how you feel... and move back to texas. tell him if he wants to marry you he can ask you, but if he isn't willing to marry you, why should you live away from family and friends just to be with him... it sounds like its a whole lotta give for you and a whole lotta take for him. You need to tell him flat out you want to get married.0 -
This is not going to be a popular opinion, but moving in with him was your first mistake if marriage is your goal. That's what guys do ... they say it's a pre-engagement step, but really, it's a "get her to stop talking about marriage" step.
As for 'what's the difference if it happens now or a year from now,' ask him what's the difference between having sex tonight or a year from tonight.
Men are only as stupid as the women in their lives allow them to be.
I have to agree on that, I dated my live in boyfriend for 3 years before we got engaged, we ware engaged for over 4 years when you live with them they don't hurry, Now Ive been married 2 months now0 -
Wow. I have to agree with Jackson that maybe you want to get engaged for the wrong reasons?
I'm actually a little surprised by your post. There is no "timeline". My husband & I were together 6 years before he proposed to me (which I'm sure you think is preposterous) and we were engaged for almost 3 years before we got married (oh the horror). We did this becuiase niether of us was going anywhere, we were in no hurry, it's what worked for us.
You can hint all you want even though I think that's tacky, but if he's not ready, he's not ready. Why push him? At least try to have a conversation about your relationship and where you both think your future is going.0 -
I tell myself all the time to not even worry about it and just to wait and say nothing
enjoy where you're at. continue to grow & better yourself. love each other.
the prize is the process, not a ring.0 -
Show him this video: http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/Surprise+nuptials+viral/5308119/story.html
I just watched the video this morning and it's sooooooooooooooooooooo thoughtful and sweet:flowerforyou:0 -
He does know that I will be beyond pissed if I find out however many years from now that I've stayed in NJ for nothing when I could have been in TX. Perhaps that's too much pressure, but it's so true. lol
Wow, so do you think that he OWES you a ring? Because that's kind of how you make it sound. If you're the one with the arbitrary deadline then it's up to you to take the step toward it.
If a ring is really that important to you, then he probably needs you to be able to explain why in a way that makes sense to him, because clearly he feels like he isn't there yet.
It's not about a ring. We could be engaged without a ring present. I could really care less about a ring. It doesn't have to happen now, I am only saying it would be nice. He knows that I don't particularly like NJ. I moved up here for the experience of moving somewhere different. He knows that if for whatever reason we broke up that I wouldn't stay up here. I want him to know I am only here for him in hopes that he doesn't waste my time. If he has no intention of getting married to me then I would like to know. I think he does intend on marrying me one day, that's why I'm here. I am just so sure of what I want, so it would be nice to know if he was sure too.
I don't know what he's waiting for. Could be the Jersey standard or he could be unsure.
Perhaps I want to know more of how I can open up the communication about the future without appearing pushy. If I know without a doubt that he's what I want, how long is a fair wait for him to declare/want the same.0 -
This may be an uncommon view, particularly from a guy but:
A guy should know after two years what his plans are for the relationship. I never stayed with anyone for very long if I didn't see the relationship going anywhere. Not that I was necassarily always looking for a wife, but there's just a point where I think "why are we doing this?". More often than not it's simply just some level of comfort and companionship or some people being affraid to be alone. Once I figured out that I just liked the sex or didn't like comming home to an empty house, it was over. They might be a great person, great friend but maybe not someone you could marry. Of course there are always those relationships that go sauer as awell.
However, after I met my future wife on our blind date I new there was something about her that was different than the other women that I've dated. I wouldn't say love at first sight but she definity stuck out from the crowd. She was clearly, from a match making POV, a possible marriage prospect. After we dated for six months, I knew 100% that she was going to be my wife and I asked her to marry me.
That's not to say that everyone should know in six months, but I think if after two years you don't have a "yay" or "nay" on the subject it's time to poop or get off the pot. You can't possibly tell me that after dating someone that you don't know if you'd like to marry them. Not to mention engagement does not equal marriage. It's another step in the process, so you are not tied to getting married at that point you are simply recocgnizing the next step in the relationship and further exploring the marriage option.
I have to admit though, because of my faith (convert to Catholicism), I have a different outlook. Catholics (and some other churches) us engagement as a prepatory phase. You go to Marriage prep courses with the priest and go ion a retreat together to help ensure the match is a good one and that both people are truly willing to be married. It's a great process that actually will make your relationship stronger and helps with doubts people may have.
So, my advice would be to talk to him directly about it. Tell him you think he's the one you want to be with and marry. Tell him that engagement is a step in the process and if he really thinks of you as his future wife he should ask you to marry him and enter an engagement. If you are religious, seek council of your priest or pastor.
Bottom line is he should know by this point, IMO.0 -
Honey, you have to sit down with him and you both have to talk about what you both hope for the future. You can't be on two pages like this. Maybe he is just nervous deep down inside?0
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Telling him what your intentions are and asking that he tell you what his are, is not being pushy. You are entitled to that information. You just have to be prepared for the answer.0
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This is not going to be a popular opinion, but moving in with him was your first mistake if marriage is your goal. That's what guys do ... they say it's a pre-engagement step, but really, it's a "get her to stop talking about marriage" step.
As for 'what's the difference if it happens now or a year from now,' ask him what's the difference between having sex tonight or a year from tonight.
Men are only as stupid as the women in their lives allow them to be.
He knows that I am a little paranoid about the whole 'eat your cake and have it too' thing, but I really don't think he is that type of guy. I just don't want him to wait 4 years because his brother did. Sometimes he thinks it's a TX thing to get hitched before 30, and maybe it is. He does know that I will be beyond pissed if I find out however many years from now that I've stayed in NJ for nothing when I could have been in TX. Perhaps that's too much pressure, but it's so true. lol
I don't think it's a Texas thing. I'm 28, I'm from Texas, and the only pressure I feel to get married is from my grandmother, who will be 80 next year, has only male great-grandchildren so far, and wants a girl before she dies. Since I'm the only grandchild left who will be having any children, she's on me about it constantly. Nobody else bothers me about it.
I do understand what you mean about how you'd be in Texas with your family if not for him, so there's more urgency on your end because of that, in addition to not wanting to wait till you're 30. But I'd be careful about putting any kind of subtle pressure on him. He WILL pick up on it, but he'll pretend not to, and over time, he'll just get more resentful about it. If this is that important to you, you need to get it out in the open, and we're talking "I need a ring, or I'm moving back to Texas" style. Until you're ready to go there, I'd keep a lid on it because he won't take you seriously if it's just another "I really want to get married" conversation that ends with him telling you it will happen eventually and you going "okay."0 -
He does know that I will be beyond pissed if I find out however many years from now that I've stayed in NJ for nothing when I could have been in TX. Perhaps that's too much pressure, but it's so true. lol
Wow, so do you think that he OWES you a ring? Because that's kind of how you make it sound. If you're the one with the arbitrary deadline then it's up to you to take the step toward it.
If a ring is really that important to you, then he probably needs you to be able to explain why in a way that makes sense to him, because clearly he feels like he isn't there yet.
It's not about a ring. We could be engaged without a ring present. I could really care less about a ring. It doesn't have to happen now, I am only saying it would be nice. He knows that I don't particularly like NJ. I moved up here for the experience of moving somewhere different. He knows that if for whatever reason we broke up that I wouldn't stay up here. I want him to know I am only here for him in hopes that he doesn't waste my time. If he has no intention of getting married to me then I would like to know. I think he does intend on marrying me one day, that's why I'm here. I am just so sure of what I want, so it would be nice to know if he was sure too.
I don't know what he's waiting for. Could be the Jersey standard or he could be unsure.
Perhaps I want to know more of how I can open up the communication about the future without appearing pushy. If I know without a doubt that he's what I want, how long is a fair wait for him to declare/want the same.
That's the risk you take, It might be a waste of time but everything is a risk it doesn't stop even if you get engage or married it called life that's why you have to have your own interest and things you like to do in NJ or not.0 -
I think that's a big thing to be unsure about. You should probably figure that out sooner rather than later.
I don't know what he's waiting for. Could be the Jersey standard or he could be unsure.
I would think you could tell a lot just by how he responds to conversation about the future. Read his tone, body language, how involved in the conversation he is. If there is something that doesn't sit well with you, ask him.
Perhaps I want to know more of how I can open up the communication about the future without appearing pushy. If I know without a doubt that he's what I want, how long is a fair wait for him to declare/want the same.
The kicker here is that you don't want to go to far and end up being neurotic about it. Don't over-read everything and twist it into something it's not. You know him, you love him... trust your gut, not your head.0
This discussion has been closed.
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