Engagement hints?

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Replies

  • jacksonpt
    jacksonpt Posts: 10,413 Member
    Why does not marrying you automatically mean he's using you and not committed?

    If you would leave him if he didn't marry you, I think that says a lot. To me, that means, at the very least, you are more focused on being married than you are on being in a happy relationship.

    I almost get the feeling that you are one of those girls who has been dreaming about her perfect wedding since she was a little girl, and now you're having a hard time with the fact that your reality is not matching up with your ideal.

    I hope I'm not coming off as an *kitten* wiht all this... I really don't mean to be. I'm just trying to give you a different view on things. Take them as you will because only you know the relationship you are in. Maybe it's got something to do with the fact that I've already done the marriage/divorce thing, but I hate the feeling that you might be taking for granted a good, happy relationship.
  • Sasssy69
    Sasssy69 Posts: 547 Member
    FWIW...

    As I read through your post, I get the feeling that you want the engagement to happen, in part, for the wrong reasons. Don't push an engagement because you are going to be seeing family and you want to share the news. Don't push the engagement because in TX everyone gets married earlier. Don't push the engagement because all your friends are married and have kids.

    But by the same token, he shouldn't be delaying it simply because Jersey people don't get married until they are 30, or whatever else.

    Get engaged and get married when it feels right. All this crap about age and everything else just muddies and already tough issue.

    If you really love each other and are committed for the long term, then push for it. I get the feeling you are somewhat traditional about all this, so you proposing to him probably doesn't thrill you.

    How long have you lived together? If you made it clear when you moved in things weren't progressing in the order you'd like them, then bring it up again. But to some extent, if he's not seriously thinking about proposing, marriage, long term etc, then you need to be ready for that. If he's not going to propose, are you going to stay with him? Is there a reason he's not proposing? These are all things you should be thinking about.

    YES YES YES!!! You are so right on. I just want to add one teeny tiny question to the poster:

    Do you want him to propose to you because he thinks it's what everyone think he should do? Or do you want him to propose to you because he wants to marry you.

    My current SO does not want to get married. I finally left it alone. He loves me. Loves our life. He just doesn't want to get married. Yes. I could push the issue. But then...he's marrying me because it's what I want...not necessarily what he wants. And I don't want that. Make sense?
  • SkateboardFi
    SkateboardFi Posts: 1,322 Member

    But then...he's marrying me because it's what I want...not necessarily what he wants. And I don't want that. Make sense?

    makes perfect sense
  • TiffanyA2008
    TiffanyA2008 Posts: 197
    Marriage is suppose to be for a lifetime. Do not rush an engagement. Just enjoy your time with him the way that it is now and if and when he purposes to you, it will be that much sweeter and even more meaningful!!
  • LaSweetMini
    LaSweetMini Posts: 157 Member
    me and my now husband dated 4 years, moved in for 3 years and then on THANKSGIVING DAY he proposed! Moving in is not a trap! He will ask you eventually :)
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
    I didn't read any responses - I'll just tell you that when I decided I wanted to get married to my boyfriend I said, "I want to get married. If you want to get married too, let's talk about rings and *kitten*."


    and now I'm engaged.
  • juliecat1
    juliecat1 Posts: 3,450 Member
    I skimmed a bit.

    At the end of the day, the ring, the fancy wedding and really even the marriage license... those things arent going to matter. whats important is how you two are together. What youre doing right now is no different than what youd be doing 5 years from now married. If youre happy with that - great! enjoy it, love eachother and be happy. If you arent and you think a ring will fix that.... aint happening.

    ps... you SHOULD be able to bring this up with him in a not pushy way. Afterall, communication is key to making it work.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,021 Member
    Why does not marrying you automatically mean he's using you and not committed?

    It doesn't automatically mean that. But if he knows that she's ready to get married and he's not, he owes it to her to tell her that straight up, without all the "maybe we'll do this in a year" cop-outs.
    If you would leave him if he didn't marry you, I think that says a lot. To me, that means, at the very least, you are more focused on being married than you are on being in a happy relationship.

    I think it says she knows what she wants and loves herself enough not to settle for less than that.

    To some people, marriage IS the happy relationship. When did being married get reduced to something women only want to do so they can put on a fluffy white dress and throw a big party?
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
    To some people, marriage IS the happy relationship. When did being married get reduced to something women only want to do so they can put on a fluffy white dress and throw a big party?



    I'm pretty sure anyone that believes marriage is what makes a relationship happy isn't ready to be married in the first place. FWIW I've been married, divorced, and now engaged, and I'll say one thing: Aside from tax breaks, there are few other reasons I feel the need to marry my partner other than putting on a pretty white dress and throwing a party. We're happy and have a great relationship regardless.
  • Kalrez
    Kalrez Posts: 655 Member
    Why does not marrying you automatically mean he's using you and not committed?

    If you're going to f@ck me, use my money for half our bills, build a home with me, lead me on for years with "yeah sure we'll get married one day" ... only to never propose - that's using me. We can be in a relationship without the hope of eventually getting married. At least then, I could open my eyes to the prospect of finding someone else who I can spend the rest of my life with, someone who values a marriage as much as I do.
    If you would leave him if he didn't marry you, I think that says a lot. To me, that means, at the very least, you are more focused on being married than you are on being in a happy relationship.

    I almost get the feeling that you are one of those girls who has been dreaming about her perfect wedding since she was a little girl, and now you're having a hard time with the fact that your reality is not matching up with your ideal.

    I honestly don't care about the wedding. I would go to the courthouse Monday if he asked. I just don't want to settle for only being someone's girlfriend instead of being someone's wife. If I'm good enough to date for years, good enough to live with for years, then I'm good enough to marry. If I'm not wife material, then respect me enough to let me know that this is as far as we're gonna go.
    I hope I'm not coming off as an *kitten* wiht all this... I really don't mean to be. I'm just trying to give you a different view on things. Take them as you will because only you know the relationship you are in. Maybe it's got something to do with the fact that I've already done the marriage/divorce thing, but I hate the feeling that you might be taking for granted a good, happy relationship.

    I've done the marriage and divorce thing. That's partly why I'm so blunt about needing to know where my current relationship is headed. I'm taking a drastically more assertive stance in this relationship than I have in the past. If I don't let my wishes be known, then it's my own fault. Don't get me wrong. This is by far the healthiest and most fulfilling relationship I've ever been in. Hands down.

    But as much as I love my boyfriend, I love me more.
  • Kalrez
    Kalrez Posts: 655 Member
    Why does not marrying you automatically mean he's using you and not committed?

    It doesn't automatically mean that. But if he knows that she's ready to get married and he's not, he owes it to her to tell her that straight up, without all the "maybe we'll do this in a year" cop-outs.
    If you would leave him if he didn't marry you, I think that says a lot. To me, that means, at the very least, you are more focused on being married than you are on being in a happy relationship.

    I think it says she knows what she wants and loves herself enough not to settle for less than that.

    To some people, marriage IS the happy relationship. When did being married get reduced to something women only want to do so they can put on a fluffy white dress and throw a big party?

    Thanks for "getting it"
  • messyinthekitchen
    messyinthekitchen Posts: 662 Member
    This is not going to be a popular opinion, but moving in with him was your first mistake if marriage is your goal. That's what guys do ... they say it's a pre-engagement step, but really, it's a "get her to stop talking about marriage" step.

    As for 'what's the difference if it happens now or a year from now,' ask him what's the difference between having sex tonight or a year from tonight.

    Men are only as stupid as the women in their lives allow them to be.

    All men are different. Soo just cuz one man thought he would be wise and move in with a woman to keep pushing her a long doesn't mean they all will. I doubt this is what your boyfriend is doing. However if you wanna marry him so bad you need to ask him. And if your not willing to do that then you really are not in the position to be setting a time limit (for him). He'll ask you to marry him when he's ready and if he wants to. I have seen girls push this so may times and they get engaged but never married and then wasted their time. Besides 4 years really is not that long. I never understand what is the rush?? You love him and he loves you. You have the rest of your lives together. Do you know why you feel it has to be right now. I understand your frustration if things didn't work out after moving away and in with him. However that's the leap of faith you took. Would you even be together now if you had not taken it. My suggestion, have a conversation about what you would like you're wedding to look like when you two get married. It suggests a subtle hint, but doesn't make him feel forced. For all you know he could be nervous. And if in the worst worst case scenario he doesn't ask you. Well you're a beautiful girl and their is always more then one person for us.

    He knows that I am a little paranoid about the whole 'eat your cake and have it too' thing, but I really don't think he is that type of guy. I just don't want him to wait 4 years because his brother did. Sometimes he thinks it's a TX thing to get hitched before 30, and maybe it is. He does know that I will be beyond pissed if I find out however many years from now that I've stayed in NJ for nothing when I could have been in TX. Perhaps that's too much pressure, but it's so true. lol
  • dckim
    dckim Posts: 311 Member
    Men are dumb. They don't take hints. You have to be direct. Men like direct. Men like fire. Men like Jane. :flowerforyou:
  • HeidiMightyRawr
    HeidiMightyRawr Posts: 3,343 Member
    Personally, I think that he will know by now if he sees you as marriage material yet. He just might be a bit afraid to mention it, worried that you might then put pressure on him for an engagement when he might not be ready for that "yet".
    Ask him outright, plain and simple (no hinting) does he want to get married to you in the future? Be prepared for what you may not like, but if he says yes, you need to trust his answer and leave it at that. If you don't trust what he says then that's a whole different thing.

    My bf and I have been together 6 years in October, I'll be 21 then, him 25. I know it's younger than you but I do plan on getting married! I also don't want to leave it until 30 before marriage and kids. (I'm not religious but believe in getting married before having children) We've lived together for over a year now, and not engaged but we've spoken about marriage several times like it's definately happening. There are other things I'd rather get sorted first if i'm honest, and I don't see the point in a long engagement. I'd want to start planning as soon as the rings there lol
    We both know it's going to happen, I trust he wants to get married so even though it's not official yet, I'm not seeing it as a problem, this is something that you need to establish, you should at least know where you stand :)
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