Does your weight affect your relationships?

Fitness_Chick

Okay guys, little down today. :frown:

I'm doing great with my weight loss/exercise etc but DH has been complaining the last few months about how I push him away all the time when he wants to be all snugly and romantic. When I met him I was about 175 - 180 and had absolutely no problem with this. Since being with him and having a baby, I'm up to 210 and I realized that its just not comfortable! I don't want to be messed with or touched or anything. I just feel lumpy and gross. I just can't seem to think of anything else when he wants to be intimate! Its to the point where I don't even want him to hug me! :sad:

I've said as much to DH and he just gets angry at me, asking me why I'm punishing HIM because he loves every part of me (Even the DREADED tummy roll). Its making me impatient for those 30lbs to come off, because I want to have a healthy relationship again!

Anyone else have a similar problem? Its amazing to me that 30lbs can make that much of a difference. Any of my lovely MFPers that have overcome (or are tryng to overcome) such a problem?

Thanks ladies. :flowerforyou:

Let me try and give you some perspective on this as a Man and a Husband.
My wife and I started this together and I am very proud of the 13 pounds that she has lost.
When I married my wife I did so because I knew that she was the best friend I will ever have. The kind of love that a man feels for his wife is incredible and regardless of her weight she will always be the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I know that a weight problem hits your self esteem pretty hard. I know because I have been there and it is terrible to feel undesireable. Regardless of how you feel about yourself it is very important to understand that your husband feels very differently. My wife has given me so much, she has given me two beautiful children, a feeling of home and most of my happiest memories. I can't imagine ever being without her and I thank god every day that I can call her my wife. I am excited that she has joined me on this journey in hopes that our healthy lifestyle will give us more years together. But it has nothing to do with whether I find her attractive. How could I not find her attractive. She's the center of my universe. My rock. My heart. When your husband says he loves every part of you...(Dreaded tummy roll included), he means it. It's a tough bump to try and get over but you need to try for his sake...and yours for that matter. If it helps try and think of something wrong with him like a hairy butt or something. You might find it hard to point out the flaws and maybe then you will realize how your husband feels about you.

always great to hear a Man's perspective on this sort of thing Spyguy:happy: Very nicely put.... thanks for adding your thoughts:drinker:

FC

TRLTAMPA

My husband says that after 4 kids, he never expected me to be skinny again. So I can understand how he would still see me as my old self. I still see him that way too.

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j_g4ever

Im so glad that I joined MFP. These are the thoughts that run through my head all the time about not be sexy enough and what spyguy said that is something that my DH would say. I have been trying to feel sexy the way that I am right now. Somedays are better than others for sure. If I just did a wonderful workout and burned lots of calories or if I lost some weight on the scale he is going to get lucky. :blushing: Maybe this weekend while he is at work I will go do some "shopping" because that is something he wouldn't be expecting. :drinker: Thank you everyone. really. :flowerforyou:

lmr9

The fix is called sexy at any size! It is so difficult to feel sexy when we don't feel good about ourselves. I had a long plateau that lasted me a whole yr from Jan 2007-present. I just now lost about 2 pounds since last week. It feels good. The point I am trying to make here is that I decided to be happy and feel sexy at any size. We all don't know how long it will take for us to get back to our sexy selves. Our husbands react to us in the way we feel inside and that shows on the outside. I am big and sexy and there is more for him to love. I tell him that and I believe it too. I dress that way too, not hiding under big t-shirts and frumpy clothes. Sexy is what sexy do girls. We are only gonna be sexier when we reach our goal. By the way it is not fair for us to deprive them ,our DH. Girls we are beautiful just the way we are and what's more beautiful about us is we are doing something to be healthier. SO IT IS NEW YEAR'S EVE CUDDLE UP WITH THAT HUBBY OF YOURS AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE LIVING FOR TODAY!!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT ON!!! :flowerforyou:

LeanLioness

I think that you are very lucky that you have someone that wants to hug you and touch you, and you should be loving it . Loving someone does not have anything to do with your "fat rolls", it's from the heart. Touch is something very important, when you are hugging someone or touching them, you are sending your energy to each other, this is a primitive form of communication, showing that you care for each other. If you want a healthy relationship with him, hug him and touch him, it's a very important part of relationships...you are very lucky. :flowerforyou:

This is beautifully written!!!

I have read several posts where their DH doesn't want them, not only on this board...........

I belong to several low carb messaging boards and DH's can be down right mean and hateful to their spouse!! Some have told their wives to lose weight or it is divorce time and things............

I have a honey like yours that has loved me when I was at 120 and all the way up to 260 pounds and still wanted intimacy with me.

borac

My husband doesn't have a problem with my weight- I didn't notice any yet.. I"m the one with the problem.. but i'm no longer " shy " and I don't hold back like I used to.. the problem is not there..

my problem is- i drove away all my girl friends..

they couldn't take it anylonger. .. my " have nothing to wear ' - nothing fits me.. can't come to the event- have nothing to wear.. " not in the mood.. - can't go .. ' can't come.. " can't have that has to many calories.. " ..
and on the end my depression that just didn't want to go away , that with every day became worse.. and to the point that i clearly told everyone just to go away and leave me.. i guess.. that's what they did..

Now- i'm pretty much without friends, left with my weight.. but now more than ever i want to prove to myself that i'm capable of getting a grip on this !

abagwill

Oh I totally know what you mean... When I met DF in 2005 I was about 160 and now (6 weeks after baby) at 215 lbs. I absolutely feel like I am carrying a whole new me but I understand the wanting to pull away because you feel gross and ugly... Now, I had a C-Section and I am so self concious of that as well. DF says he loves me but I cant help but feel disgusting... I am starting slowly to get back into shape but its really not easy when he gets to eat whatever he wants and always wants to eat out :ohwell:

But just remember to keep your head up and remember you are beautiful, even if it is hard

chrissyh

maybe a comprimise - try candles instead of the actual light - it will help enhance the mood but not too bright to make you so self concious.

DjBliss05

I have always been overweight and the tummy roll has been here through all my relationships!

The way I have always looked at it is that, "He can SEE the tummy roll with my clothes on. If he wants to be with me, then he won't mind when the clothes come off!"

Obviously, your hubby is still super attracted to you and wants to be with you! Take a cue from him and know that you are still beautiful!

We have to learn to love ourselves where we are right now, because how else will we be able to love ourselves enough to do all the hard work? (This coming from the girl who wore big pants to pull OVER the tummy roll for work today, lol).

We're not perfect and we all have our down days, but in the end, its worth focusing on the good and trying to ignore our insecurities sometimes. Besides, the tummy roll will be gone in no time and your DH will still be there like he is now! :flowerforyou:

jesusgrl14

Oh! :sad: I want someone to cuddle up with.

You are lucky to have someone who wants to be touching you, naked or clothed :laugh: ! I wish I had a husband to crawl into bed with at night. Be blessed and know you are beautiful!:flowerforyou:

Wolfena

I started at 200.... got down to 138 (am back up to 152.5 now :grumble: )

But really - I am more self conscious about my body now that it's smaller than when I was bigger. I didn't think about it before, I just went with what felt good (just like food!) now I think about it and it bothers me (just like food)

Perhaps ignorance WAS bliss for me!! :laugh:

In my situation - I have lots of body "issues" to work on, I think I could be a perfect 10 and not be happy with the way Iook. (yes, I'm workin' on 'em!)



My boyfriend has been with me at all weights, and has never shown a preference either way... either he honestly doesn't care, or he's a smart man!

tmbish82

i am so glad to see this message board!!! i thought it was just me too!! :embarassed: my fiancee knows that i have issue with my weight and that i feel fat, but he actually likes the extra pounds and says i could even use more in some places!!! :noway: we are an inter-racial couple and i am the first serious relationship he has had with a white girl so i guess he is used to having a little more booty!! :laugh: he tells me all the time that he loves the way i look and he doesn't want me to lose weight :noway: and he believes that girls want to lose weight and look good for themselves and other girls... and most guys don't care if you have a little extra weight! :huh: i don't know if i believe that entirely... i want to look nice and skinny for him, but he wants me plump!! :sad:

saryann79

As an answer to your official "question" does weight affect your relationships? I have to say it does. But mostly for the reasons that you mentioned - that I am not comfortable in my own skin. I see the actresses and what not that "turn his head," and I definitely don't look like them. So I feel like he is "faking it." My husband says he loves me and is attracted to me no matter what, but I don't really see how that could be true. I think this is a personal issue within us, and likely one that weight loss alone won't cure! (By the way, if you figure out the answer before me, let me know, k?!)

ChubbyBunny

The thing we need to keep in mind.... we are usually our worst critics.
I think I am fat, ugly, etc a lot of the time.
The thing to remember is not EVERYONE sees us through our eyes.
My fiance thinks I am beautiful... even though I am paranoid about stretch marks, sagging, etc.

I do believe that a big reason why some people want to be "skinny" is due to media, peer pressure, expectations of others. timbish: I can totally believe your fiance when he says that women do it for themselves and other women. WHICH IS TRUE! Most of us are here because WE want to look/feel better/more attractive for ourselves (which isn't bad).

I used to obsess about this issue.... will he like me even though I am fluffy....
What it's boiled down to though is that I have to accept myself in WHATEVER skin I am in.
I have struggled in a skinny body, in a pregnant body, in the one I have now.... it's MY INTERNAL struggle. Sure, I know guys who think Angelina Jolie is hot.... back in reality world.... they know they aren't EVER gonna get her.

Make sense? You gotta love what you got.... or you'll end up hating yourself longer then you ought.

memaw66

I certainly keep the lights off!!!
But we're the opposite. I'm always after it and he's not interested. Of course I think it's because of my weight. Who wouldn't? But he swears he just doesn't have much of a drive.
So, we'll see when I'm hot again...if he's all over me then, I'll know the truth.

I'm with you. I always want it and he doesn't. He finally broke down and told me it's because of HIS weight. He feels uncomfortable and feel like he is about to have a heart attack. So we are losing weight together and he has promised me that we will be intimate again!

lenece

Ohh ladies I know what you all mean..I hate havin the lights on for funtime...I have a belly too and ugly butt legs..I want the light off he wants it on..I feel so sick when he touches my fat body but my BF says he loves me and trust me he always wants me for funtime..lol all I have to do is kiss him n its on but I'm not the sameway..One way we sloved our problem was we got a black light...lol That way hes happy n has a light n I still feel like I'm in the dark..But if I had it my way all the lights would be off....Hope this wasnt to much info...

Fitness_Chick

I certainly keep the lights off!!!
But we're the opposite. I'm always after it and he's not interested. Of course I think it's because of my weight. Who wouldn't? But he swears he just doesn't have much of a drive.
So, we'll see when I'm hot again...if he's all over me then, I'll know the truth.

I'm with you. I always want it and he doesn't. He finally broke down and told me it's because of HIS weight. He feels uncomfortable and feel like he is about to have a heart attack. So we are losing weight together and he has promised me that we will be intimate again!

very cool! great communication that he finally shared that with you...maybe guys aren't so different than us girls?:bigsmile:

nellienell12

Oh I totally know what you mean... When I met DF in 2005 I was about 160 and now (6 weeks after baby) at 215 lbs. I absolutely feel like I am carrying a whole new me but I understand the wanting to pull away because you feel gross and ugly... Now, I had a C-Section and I am so self concious of that as well. DF says he loves me but I cant help but feel disgusting... I am starting slowly to get back into shape but its really not easy when he gets to eat whatever he wants and always wants to eat out :ohwell:

But just remember to keep your head up and remember you are beautiful, even if it is hard

Same here. I had one natual and the second was 9' 14" and was c-section. So I had a lot of excess weight and skin since I was already a little heavy. But I think hubby loves me more now than before, because of what Skyguy said.
But, my DH is the same as your DF, they don't need to lose and are of average size and eat junk all the time. They suck!!:laugh: :laugh:

Fitness_Chick

The thing we need to keep in mind.... we are usually our worst critics.
I think I am fat, ugly, etc a lot of the time.
The thing to remember is not EVERYONE sees us through our eyes.
My fiance thinks I am beautiful... even though I am paranoid about stretch marks, sagging, etc.

I do believe that a big reason why some people want to be "skinny" is due to media, peer pressure, expectations of others. timbish: I can totally believe your fiance when he says that women do it for themselves and other women. WHICH IS TRUE! Most of us are here because WE want to look/feel better/more attractive for ourselves (which isn't bad).

I used to obsess about this issue.... will he like me even though I am fluffy....
What it's boiled down to though is that I have to accept myself in WHATEVER skin I am in.
I have struggled in a skinny body, in a pregnant body, in the one I have now.... it's MY INTERNAL struggle. Sure, I know guys who think Angelina Jolie is hot.... back in reality world.... they know they aren't EVER gonna get her.

Make sense? You gotta love what you got.... or you'll end up hating yourself longer then you ought.

What excellent wisdom you've shared Bunny:flowerforyou: