Once the trust is broken
Replies
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I didn't have the time here to read all the replies, so pardon me if this has been covered. But cheating, often...takes two (and I don't mean the person he cheated with).
Now...before I get jumped by every woman on the site...let me explain. I had a friend. His Dad...was one of THE most respectable men I've ever met in my life. He loved his wife dearly.
She would not sleep with him as often (meaning, never) as he needed, and she treated him like dirt 75% of the time. Nothing he did for her was good enough...etc. He eventually cheated on her with his secretary...for about two months as a matter of fact.
Here's the thing...when a man...any man...is being treated poorly, day in and day out...for years...with no reward for his efforts...then he goes to work, and is treated like a god by an attractive, sweet, caring girl (yes, we all know she's not those things if she's trying to get him to cheat...he can't see that though, of course)...what is going to happen?
You bet...he's going to cheat...eventually.
I know the guy of course, he felt a level of guilt that most people wouldn't comprehend. He eventually quit his job (why fire the secretary for what he felt was his mistake?), but they hired him back into another office. He and his wife went to counselling, where she learned HER part in it. She changed some...but mostly I think he just resigned himself to living with Satan's grandmother for the rest of his life. They're still together, and this happened just out of high school.
Now, some disclaimers. I don't know the OP, her husband, or anyone else involved. I can say, that any of us giving relationship advice based on her side alone (no matter how real it seems to us)...isn't fair to their MARRIAGE. Note, I didn't say to her...though in the end it's not fair to her either.
It's certainly not fair to their kids, assuming they have children.
I wish you luck with your marriage hun. And for the record...I've been cheated on...and had the person not had other emotional issues causing it...we would have made it through it too. Forgiveness is possible...no matter how IMpossible it seems...you just have to know they deserve it first, then work for it.
I agree with what he is saying here. Have you considered reading a relationship book? I have one called "his needs, her needs for parents." it talks about how we all have Love banks. when we meet someone and fall in love, our love bank for them fills up. for every action we do or phrase we say, we either add a point of subtract a point. when you've been married for a long time, your love bank can be really full. however, if you've been fighting a lot, your love bank may be really low. then when some other woman comes along and is nice, her love bank starts filling up. and if they work together or see each other a lot, then that bank fills up fast. sometimes it fills up so fast, it surpasses the wifes love bank. when that happens...there is big trouble.
my husband has never cheated on me and i've never cheated on him. however, we have both had tempations and close calls and we worked through it. we were on the verge of divorce right before my second child was born. we even got seperated for a spell. i started reading that book and it made me realize all the needs i wasn't meeting for my husband. i was missing every single one! so i started seeing a therapist and discovered i was suffering from depression. my husband also started seeing a therapist and turns out he had depression too. we both started taking our meds and within 4 weeks our lives had changed forever! we felt like we did when we first got married!
sometimes it takes time for a man to realize what he has lost. initially, you leaving is like "freedom" to him and he is probably really enjoying it. soon enough though, he will realize he really is in love with you. or maybe he wont. i don't know.
the only advice i can give is to focus on yourself and put the divorce on pause. tell your kids how much you love them and never say anything negative about their father. you will regret it some day.
good luck. i hope everything works out. :-)0 -
My ex husband cheated with my ex BFF. I could not get the trust back. Can it happen? Probably if both people are willing to work on it. Mine never was.0
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All I will say is this... Why do you want to forgive? He wants out. He has made that clear. You deserve someone that loves you, your flaws, and cares about your heart. Why... Do you want to forgive and go back to him?0
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Please do not stay in an abusive (emotionally or physically) relationship for your kids. It will make you resentful of those around you; all the negative energy will help no one.
And whats worse is that it sends the kids the message that the abusive relationship is normal and healthy.
So the dangerous and painful habits keep getting recycled.0 -
how many of you think once the trust (infidelity) in a marriage/relationship is broken, it can't be gained back?
Having a hard time right now, I'm separated from my husband, who was unfaithful for two mons back in January and February, we are separated, on verge of divorce. I feel like I can never trust him. This was with my friend on top of it all. I know I'm going to get a lot of you deserve better posts, and I do, he hasn't even said sorry for it, it's hard for me. He said he doesn't want to make our marriage work because I won't change, nothing about this is his fault. We are both to blame. But I can't trust him, I want to, but it's been downhill since January, I feel hopeless.
Well, if he doesn't want to work on the marriage, it doesn't matter if you gain your trust back. But it can be done - after the offender repents and they work together toward reconciliation. For us, that took years. I would say at this point, figure out if you did anything wrong, what you did wrong, and how you can fix it, then fix it. If he doesn't own his stuff and want you back, then you will be better for the next guy, who will be better.0 -
I don't believe the it takes two to cheat unless your speaking of the spouse and lover, you can't blame the person getting cheated on for the spouses cheating, if somebody is miserable and not getting enough sex and being treated badly to the point that they want to step outside their marriage they need to be up front with it, seperate, move on, and be an adult.
I've been cheated on and I tried to give it a chance for the kids sake. BIGGEST STUPIDEST thing I ever did, he was unappologetic, denied it, but when we fought threw it in my face what he did. Trust is the biggest thing, how can you live always wondering where they are and who are they with?
Now i' am sure there are the few who work it out and have moved on, but they are the special few and your ex doesn't sound like he is the other half of this special kind of couple.
Good Luck and quick healing!0 -
how many of you think once the trust (infidelity) in a marriage/relationship is broken, it can't be gained back?
Having a hard time right now, I'm separated from my husband, who was unfaithful for two mons back in January and February, we are separated, on verge of divorce. I feel like I can never trust him. This was with my friend on top of it all. I know I'm going to get a lot of you deserve better posts, and I do, he hasn't even said sorry for it, it's hard for me. He said he doesn't want to make our marriage work because I won't change, nothing about this is his fault. We are both to blame. But I can't trust him, I want to, but it's been downhill since January, I feel hopeless.
Oh my girl .. Sounds like gaining your trust back, is the least of your problems. If you two were having difficulties, and he used THAT as an excuse to cheat .. It is undeniably NOT your fault. THAT was a conscious decision HE made to make himself feel good .. Anyone .. and I mean ANYone who has the mindset that it's someone else's fault for cheating is an IDIOT!
The proper thing to do would be to work on your problems, seek counselling, work it out somehow .. Not just take the 'easy' way out, and cheat. If that doesn't work, then you split up, take a break, move on .. call it what you like. Ya don't just go and continue on with your life like nothing was going on. That is the ultimate deception. A marriage .. a really bona fide marriage has no room for that crap.
If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck .. it's probably a duck! A cheater is a cheater is a cheater. Sure, some people change, some people can even recognize their cheating as a huge mistake, and will even be eternally remorseful. Sounds like your hubby is not.
Being able to trust someone is dependant upon the 'trustworthiness' of that person. Given your description of how he's treating this episode .. take it for what it is...His way OUT of this marriage. He made a choice .. an informed choice .. He chose to delve into a lifestyle of deception rather than work on his marriage, knowing full well that there may be consequences.
I'm so sorry things turned out like this. This is not what you signed up for when you agreed to marry. Cut your losses, and move on. You can do better.0 -
how many of you think once the trust (infidelity) in a marriage/relationship is broken, it can't be gained back?
Having a hard time right now, I'm separated from my husband, who was unfaithful for two mons back in January and February, we are separated, on verge of divorce. I feel like I can never trust him. This was with my friend on top of it all. I know I'm going to get a lot of you deserve better posts, and I do, he hasn't even said sorry for it, it's hard for me. He said he doesn't want to make our marriage work because I won't change, nothing about this is his fault. We are both to blame. But I can't trust him, I want to, but it's been downhill since January, I feel hopeless.
I didn't read through all of the replies. I just wanted to tell you that this happened to me too - with one of my best friends. I'm not going to give you advice because I'm sure you already know what you want to do. I do want to tell you to feel free to friend me if you need someone who understands the betrayal - this kind of betrayal -which is so horrible. It happened three years ago, and we are divorced. He left me for her though. Because he wasn't happy with me. Nothing was his fault. It was ALL me. You know, because we all know that only one person in a relationship can ever be at fault. Blah blah blah.
It's a rough road you're traveling. I've been on it. But it does get better. Hang in there, and as I said, if you feel like reaching out, I'm willing to be a shoulder. We women have got to stick together!0 -
My ex husband cheated with my ex BFF. I could not get the trust back. Can it happen? Probably if both people are willing to work on it. Mine never was.
^^^ Me too. Hurts for a long time - The betrayal is mind blowing. You not only lose your husband, but your best friend as well. It's like a double blow. Yeah. Sad thing is, we have kids together. So I still have to see her. Ugh.0 -
Ive got to say, calling you pathetic, lazy, blaming you for him not keeping it in his pants etc etc....hun, thats emotional abuse...thats domestic abuse...however you want to dress it up...it is....
He sounds like an egotistical *kitten* needing some skirt to kiss his *kitten* and make him feel better....he isnt a man...he's needy, and is having his ego stroked by someone who isnt you...that sounds harsh but what i mean is its a novelty...its not the mrs at home who he is used to...it feels illicit and fresh and new....it will wear off and when it does he will be bored of this new tart and move onto another....
Move on, and be a better happier you and find someone who deserves such a great woman...
xxxxx
This is what I was thinking too!!! He is belittling you and blaming you to justify his behavior!!! I want you to go get a spiral notebook and start documenting all of your conversations,. You will have a documentation of his mental abuse to show lawyer if you need to for divorce proceedings. you will also have pattern of behavior if he tries to take the kids....
You will also be able to go back and read what he said to you if you have a weak moment...0 -
Mine was but it was work on both our parts and to tell the truth, it still hurts at times. It keeps you wary and on your toes to be sure.My ex husband cheated with my ex BFF. I could not get the trust back. Can it happen? Probably if both people are willing to work on it. Mine never was.
The issue here is that you said your husband said he didn't want to save the marriage and that you would never change. Whatever he has an issue with, can you see it too and are you willing to work on it? would it make a difference? I don't think that some personality issue is honestly any kind of good excuse to cheat. (withholding sex all the time, yeah, but in that case, just leave. ) If he wasn't happy he needed to leave instead of cheat.
Its pretty hard to even try to save a marriage where only one person wants to save it and the other doesn't want to.0 -
I've not read every single word within this thread....but you know what....
My partner cheated on me....twice.....along with a few other things of which I FORGAVE HIM for.....
We've been together for 14/15 years with a couple of splits/separations.. He first cheated just 1 month before I conceived with my first child. And the second time was 2.5 years later exactly 1 month (again) before I conceived with my second child of which I miscarried at 17 wks. BOTH times with the SAME WOMAN....who was a friend of his whom he had known for years. (I dislike her - even came close to confronting her which is unlike me),....BUT on both occasions, we were going through a stressful time, work, us, big changes going on - YES, this is NO excuse for any man to cheat, but you know what, I was half the problem. Which is the reason why I FORGAVE him way back then (6/7 years ago now). Our life was chaotic back then BUT we got through it.....that was when we decided to live separately but carry on in a relationship (yes more distance) but it brought us closer together in the end AND i was willing to go with the flow and WAIT until things/circumstances changed for the better.
After we moved (2 years ago now), although we moved together, I got myself a small flat (just in case things didn't work - we still kept a relationship going). So glad I did - as recently we separated for a month - not because he cheated though - mainly because this last year has just been so goddam stressful it took a toll on our relationship and we have a child involved now.
Upshot is - we are back together under the same roof and really trying - its been far better now than it has for years. Truly. Even with a stressful fornight recently - its been dealt with FAR better because we are much more aware of how things affect each other and we talk now - really talk and most importantly LISTEN.
My whole point being, that forgiveness is possible and a marriage can work if you really BOTH try and work it out. (I'm not married by the way - probably never will but it suits both of us that way).
Don't get me wrong, most people would say - why didn't you leave completely - my answer - because I love my partner (even when he's done wrong) and I have and never will give up on him. I have been part of the problem and i know that more ever, always did, just needed to have time away to appreciate the fact, without daily hassles.
I made a promise to my partner many years ago, that I would never treat him and act like his ex wife did, by using my child to get back at him. I also promised i would never give up on him. YES, there's been times, even this year, when I could have put him through a brick wall and slaughtered him and walked away for good...BUT, I will always love him. I won't give up on our relationship, as we always say its over but end up back together. There's a bond there that can't be broken even through the really horrid times/events, horrid words and bad mistakes. We always end up back together.
What I'm saying to the OP is, go with your instincts, think about YOU and your CHILDREN if you have any, and take into account YOUR personal circumstances with your husband. Don't let people sway you one way or the other - go with what makes YOU feel comfortable and with your instincts. My partner hates counselling - we've never had it together, however, occasionally, once in a blue moon when things get me down I voluntarily seek one on one counselling for myself - away from home influences. This has helped me on occasions - other times, its been useless as I know what they would say. They can't TELL you what to do, but they can only GUIDE you in allowing YOU to SEE different ways in which to deal with a situation.
OP - I genuinely hope that you can resolve your situation WITH your husband even for the sake of your children. Either way, there are benefits - yes, life changes, but there are benefits whether you stay or go - even if you go your separate ways. Think of you, your children and your family as a whole.
Good Luck and hope you work it out.0 -
He cheated on you with your friend (this exact same thing happened to me) AND he doesn't even want to try to make your marriage work? Nuff said in my book. I would move on cause you DO deserve better. After my husband cheated, I gave it 2 years. Just recently I told him I want a divorce.0
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I didn't have the time here to read all the replies, so pardon me if this has been covered. But cheating, often...takes two (and I don't mean the person he cheated with).
Now...before I get jumped by every woman on the site...let me explain. I had a friend. His Dad...was one of THE most respectable men I've ever met in my life. He loved his wife dearly.
She would not sleep with him as often (meaning, never) as he needed, and she treated him like dirt 75% of the time. Nothing he did for her was good enough...etc. He eventually cheated on her with his secretary...for about two months as a matter of fact.
Here's the thing...when a man...any man...is being treated poorly, day in and day out...for years...with no reward for his efforts...then he goes to work, and is treated like a god by an attractive, sweet, caring girl (yes, we all know she's not those things if she's trying to get him to cheat...he can't see that though, of course)...what is going to happen?
You bet...he's going to cheat...eventually.
I know the guy of course, he felt a level of guilt that most people wouldn't comprehend. He eventually quit his job (why fire the secretary for what he felt was his mistake?), but they hired him back into another office. He and his wife went to counselling, where she learned HER part in it. She changed some...but mostly I think he just resigned himself to living with Satan's grandmother for the rest of his life. They're still together, and this happened just out of high school.
Now, some disclaimers. I don't know the OP, her husband, or anyone else involved. I can say, that any of us giving relationship advice based on her side alone (no matter how real it seems to us)...isn't fair to their MARRIAGE. Note, I didn't say to her...though in the end it's not fair to her either.
It's certainly not fair to their kids, assuming they have children.
I wish you luck with your marriage hun. And for the record...I've been cheated on...and had the person not had other emotional issues causing it...we would have made it through it too. Forgiveness is possible...no matter how IMpossible it seems...you just have to know they deserve it first, then work for it.
Although I agree an abusive partner can be factor, I don't believe that partner is a controling factor of why a person actually cheats. Wanting to and actually doing it are two ends of a spectrum. Being treated badly is not a reason to cheat .. it is an excuse. There is a difference. Sure, mentally one can get worn down .. (male or female) through emotional or mental abuse. Abuse is abuse .. THAT is a whole other dimension. We all know of the remedies for being in an abusive relationship .. Cheating is not even on that list.
Impaired judgement is never a reason to cheat. WE all have weak moments. Much the same as getting looped at a party and having a quickie with someone else in the coat closet .. THAT is still cheating..No one would ever accept the "Well, I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" excuse. That doesn't work for drinking and driving .. and it won't work here. Much the same goes with a person in an abusive relationship who searches for refuge in the arms of someone else, then goes back to their spouse in either complete denial or worse .. elation that they have just 'gotten away' with it.
Cheating is cheating. It's all about deception and broken promises .. We ALL have moments of weakness .. yet we are not ALL cheaters.0 -
I didn't have the time here to read all the replies, so pardon me if this has been covered. But cheating, often...takes two (and I don't mean the person he cheated with).
Now...before I get jumped by every woman on the site...let me explain. I had a friend. His Dad...was one of THE most respectable men I've ever met in my life. He loved his wife dearly.
She would not sleep with him as often (meaning, never) as he needed, and she treated him like dirt 75% of the time. Nothing he did for her was good enough...etc. He eventually cheated on her with his secretary...for about two months as a matter of fact.
Here's the thing...when a man...any man...is being treated poorly, day in and day out...for years...with no reward for his efforts...then he goes to work, and is treated like a god by an attractive, sweet, caring girl (yes, we all know she's not those things if she's trying to get him to cheat...he can't see that though, of course)...what is going to happen?
You bet...he's going to cheat...eventually.
I know the guy of course, he felt a level of guilt that most people wouldn't comprehend. He eventually quit his job (why fire the secretary for what he felt was his mistake?), but they hired him back into another office. He and his wife went to counselling, where she learned HER part in it. She changed some...but mostly I think he just resigned himself to living with Satan's grandmother for the rest of his life. They're still together, and this happened just out of high school.
Now, some disclaimers. I don't know the OP, her husband, or anyone else involved. I can say, that any of us giving relationship advice based on her side alone (no matter how real it seems to us)...isn't fair to their MARRIAGE. Note, I didn't say to her...though in the end it's not fair to her either.
It's certainly not fair to their kids, assuming they have children.
I wish you luck with your marriage hun. And for the record...I've been cheated on...and had the person not had other emotional issues causing it...we would have made it through it too. Forgiveness is possible...no matter how IMpossible it seems...you just have to know they deserve it first, then work for it.
Although I agree an abusive partner can be factor, I don't believe that partner is a controling factor of why a person actually cheats. Wanting to and actually doing it are two ends of a spectrum. Being treated badly is not a reason to cheat .. it is an excuse. There is a difference. Sure, mentally one can get worn down .. (male or female) through emotional or mental abuse. Abuse is abuse .. THAT is a whole other dimension. We all know of the remedies for being in an abusive relationship .. Cheating is not even on that list.
Impaired judgement is never a reason to cheat. WE all have weak moments. Much the same as getting looped at a party and having a quickie with someone else in the coat closet .. THAT is still cheating..No one would ever accept the "Well, I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" excuse. That doesn't work for drinking and driving .. and it won't work here. Much the same goes with a person in an abusive relationship who searches for refuge in the arms of someone else, then goes back to their spouse in either complete denial or worse .. elation that they have just 'gotten away' with it.
Cheating is cheating. It's all about deception and broken promises .. We ALL have moments of weakness .. yet we are not ALL cheaters.
For th record, I agree competely. I've never cheated on anyone...and believe me, when it comes to emotionally abusive relationships...my last took the cake. I had multiple opportunities. It wasn't, and isn't an option for me.
However, I still have incredible respect for my friend's dad....and in that scenario...with complete temptation on one hand, and utter disrespect and physical abandonment on the other...I understand his reaction.
He was his hardest judge, btw.
What surprises me in my friends dads scenario...and this is slightly off topic...is how many people have said 'Leave...break your home, abandon daily contact with your children...accept all the consequences THAT course of action will put on their heads...and just get out'...is the preferred option.0 -
I didn't have the time here to read all the replies, so pardon me if this has been covered. But cheating, often...takes two (and I don't mean the person he cheated with).
Now...before I get jumped by every woman on the site...let me explain. I had a friend. His Dad...was one of THE most respectable men I've ever met in my life. He loved his wife dearly.
She would not sleep with him as often (meaning, never) as he needed, and she treated him like dirt 75% of the time. Nothing he did for her was good enough...etc. He eventually cheated on her with his secretary...for about two months as a matter of fact.
Here's the thing...when a man...any man...is being treated poorly, day in and day out...for years...with no reward for his efforts...then he goes to work, and is treated like a god by an attractive, sweet, caring girl (yes, we all know she's not those things if she's trying to get him to cheat...he can't see that though, of course)...what is going to happen?
You bet...he's going to cheat...eventually.
I know the guy of course, he felt a level of guilt that most people wouldn't comprehend. He eventually quit his job (why fire the secretary for what he felt was his mistake?), but they hired him back into another office. He and his wife went to counselling, where she learned HER part in it. She changed some...but mostly I think he just resigned himself to living with Satan's grandmother for the rest of his life. They're still together, and this happened just out of high school.
Now, some disclaimers. I don't know the OP, her husband, or anyone else involved. I can say, that any of us giving relationship advice based on her side alone (no matter how real it seems to us)...isn't fair to their MARRIAGE. Note, I didn't say to her...though in the end it's not fair to her either.
It's certainly not fair to their kids, assuming they have children.
I wish you luck with your marriage hun. And for the record...I've been cheated on...and had the person not had other emotional issues causing it...we would have made it through it too. Forgiveness is possible...no matter how IMpossible it seems...you just have to know they deserve it first, then work for it.
Although I agree an abusive partner can be factor, I don't believe that partner is a controling factor of why a person actually cheats. Wanting to and actually doing it are two ends of a spectrum. Being treated badly is not a reason to cheat .. it is an excuse. There is a difference. Sure, mentally one can get worn down .. (male or female) through emotional or mental abuse. Abuse is abuse .. THAT is a whole other dimension. We all know of the remedies for being in an abusive relationship .. Cheating is not even on that list.
Impaired judgement is never a reason to cheat. WE all have weak moments. Much the same as getting looped at a party and having a quickie with someone else in the coat closet .. THAT is still cheating..No one would ever accept the "Well, I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" excuse. That doesn't work for drinking and driving .. and it won't work here. Much the same goes with a person in an abusive relationship who searches for refuge in the arms of someone else, then goes back to their spouse in either complete denial or worse .. elation that they have just 'gotten away' with it.
Cheating is cheating. It's all about deception and broken promises .. We ALL have moments of weakness .. yet we are not ALL cheaters.
For th record, I agree competely. I've never cheated on anyone...and believe me, when it comes to emotionally abusive relationships...my last took the cake. I had multiple opportunities. It wasn't, and isn't an option for me.
However, I still have incredible respect for my friend's dad....and in that scenario...with complete temptation on one hand, and utter disrespect and physical abandonment on the other...I understand his reaction.
He was his hardest judge, btw.
What surprises me...and this is slightly off topic...is how many people have said 'Leave...break your home, abandon daily contact with your children...accept all the consequences THAT course of action will put on their heads...and just get out'...is the preferred option.
I'm think'n the 'kick his *kitten* out' suggestions stem from his lack of remorse. Our OP did say he never even said he was sorry. We can't confuse who the victim is here.
Keep in mind .. HE is the one who started this downward unrecoverable spiral. He is the one who jeapardized the 'family' unit by making the choice he made. IT didn't happen by accident .. He CHOSE this course of action. THOSE are direct and logical consequences of doing what he knowingly did. SHE is left with very limited choices, now.
I am hoping they can salvage what they can and create some sort of cordial relationship for the sake of thier children. They don't have to stay together to do that. If he doesn't want to be in this relationship, then let him go.
It can be done, if the adults involved don't get stupid about it.0 -
Again, I agree. I meant people say my friends dad should have left...over the path chosen.
I'll edit my post, if I can, to make that clear.0 -
Can't believe what I'm reading - VICTIM???
In my mind - no-one is a Victim.
People would say I was a victim - as my partner cheated (see earlier post), AND in the last couple of years he was emotionally abusive of which became physical on 3 separate ocassions.
I never classed myself as a victim (if you stay and allow it then you are not a victim - you CHOOSE to put yourself in that situation. Part of our problems were BOTH our faults and I needed to work on myself (which I have recently), aswell as my partner finally accepting his bad traits and how it affects other people. I don't say I'm a victim. I never left as such either. We have a child together - in fact even when we lived separately for a while, we still tried to carry on the "family" front for the sake of our child. Very difficult but it worked to a degree.
We are back together under the same roof and are trying one last time (so far absolutely brilliantly btw), simply for the fact that we do still love each other but ULTIMATELY for our son's sake. Yes, you can walk away and make it still work, but there is the other side aswell.
OP - do what you have to do - leave if thats what makes YOU and your circumstances better all round. BUT do, think about you and your family if you have children. If you choose to stay thats your call too. ONLY YOU know the facts of the situation and can deal with them.
ALSO, just because he hasn't apologised doesn't make you a victim by some peoples view......He just simply hasn't acknowledged his side of things YET. My partner never apologised until recently - out of the blue, no prompting - for all the crap he gave me AND he said he never meant to hurt me verbally or physically - just got lost in the stressful situation and didn't know how to deal with it - no excuse I know, but main thing was he apologised - even if I had to wait months and years for it. I knew that he never meant any of it deep down, but because I loved him and knew him, I also was aware that he would apologise one day - even if it was on his death bed in another 40 years! Sometimes a bond can't be broken even through the hard times - HOWEVER HARD.
I'm not saying, people should stand there and take crap from their partner - I'm saying if you have a level of love and some degree of remorse on both sides, then you can work things out if you really want to.
Sorry if I've come across a bit harsh, but that's my view point - mainly geared towards several comments.
At the end of the day, FOR ANY RELATIONSHIP going through difficulties - it's you're call, you know the facts of the situation, other people won't. Do what's best for YOU and the situation.
Nuff said.0 -
Can I just add that when my partner cheated twice all those years ago, I still to this day are regaining the trust lost from that.
But I've still managed to have a relationship. It will still take time to regain the trust completely.0 -
Can't believe what I'm reading - VICTIM???
In my mind - no-one is a Victim.
People would say I was a victim - as my partner cheated (see earlier post), AND in the last couple of years he was emotionally abusive of which became physical on 3 separate ocassions.
I never classed myself as a victim (if you stay and allow it then you are not a victim - you CHOOSE to put yourself in that situation. Part of our problems were BOTH our faults and I needed to work on myself (which I have recently), aswell as my partner finally accepting his bad traits and how it affects other people. I don't say I'm a victim. I never left as such either. We have a child together - in fact even when we lived separately for a while, we still tried to carry on the "family" front for the sake of our child. Very difficult but it worked to a degree.
We are back together under the same roof and are trying one last time (so far absolutely brilliantly btw), simply for the fact that we do still love each other but ULTIMATELY for our son's sake. Yes, you can walk away and make it still work, but there is the other side aswell.
OP - do what you have to do - leave if thats what makes YOU and your circumstances better all round. BUT do, think about you and your family if you have children. If you choose to stay thats your call too. ONLY YOU know the facts of the situation and can deal with them.
ALSO, just because he hasn't apologised doesn't make you a victim by some peoples view......He just simply hasn't acknowledged his side of things YET. My partner never apologised until recently - out of the blue, no prompting - for all the crap he gave me AND he said he never meant to hurt me verbally or physically - just got lost in the stressful situation and didn't know how to deal with it - no excuse I know, but main thing was he apologised - even if I had to wait months and years for it. I knew that he never meant any of it deep down, but because I loved him and knew him, I also was aware that he would apologise one day - even if it was on his death bed in another 40 years! Sometimes a bond can't be broken even through the hard times - HOWEVER HARD.
I'm not saying, people should stand there and take crap from their partner - I'm saying if you have a level of love and some degree of remorse on both sides, then you can work things out if you really want to.
Sorry if I've come across a bit harsh, but that's my view point - mainly geared towards several comments.
At the end of the day, FOR ANY RELATIONSHIP going through difficulties - it's you're call, you know the facts of the situation, other people won't. Do what's best for YOU and the situation.
Nuff said.
I have to say I disagree.
There are times when a spouse is completely unaware of their partner's cheating .. and thier married life may range from being rocky but tolerable to what they "thought' was a happy one. As far as they know/knew, they are no different than other couple and their relationship seemed quite normal. That (cheated upon) spouse is innocent of any portion of the blame. That spouse is a victim, because they had someone rip their world right from under them. They were deceived in the worst way.
Our original poster that I was referring to didn't claim that she was being abused .. She was cheated on. Another poster had suggested that perhaps SHE had some part in her husbands choice to cheat. She did explain that her husband complained that SHE was the one who had to change insinuating that SHE was the one who caused him to cheat...because HE wasn't happy with their relationship.
I can't say I know all the details, and I can't even say we know HIS side of the story .. but, if it was like she explained, she was defiantely vitimized in this scenario. SHE didn't MAKE him do anything ... yet she suffers the consequences.
It's not like she was horribly abused but decided to stay anyways .. THAT's not what she implied. She simply implied that he cheated without her knowing ( at first) .. then she went on to explain "Things were never the same".
Now, having said that .. If she continues to want to stay with this husband, and he remains unremorseful, or of the opinion that this was all her fault .. then, Yes .. she is no longer a victim ..as she is the one who chooses to be treated like that.
Being a victim is different than choosing to be one.0 -
Hey everyone!
All the replies are definitely interesting to read people's takes on it all.
Basically what I have to say is this;
In no way am I acting like a victim. I feel that I had a part in this and that when we fought I was supposed to kiss *kitten* still. If he wanted to call me names, get upset with me, whatever the case may be, it was still MY responsibility to make him feel like a God. We go in spurts, really good, really bad, really good, really bad, and so forth. I participated in our fights. We had only one car, and if he wanted to meet up with someone I was stuck at home with the kids until he decided to come home. He would go out with friends until 5-6am and say it was ok because I would be asleep anyways. He would never even answer his phone if I called to make sure he was ok if I woke up at 3am and he wasn't home. He would tell me he doesn't have to check in with me, I'm not his mom, etc.
The respect from our relationship has been gone for awhile. Honestly. And it's heartbreaking. And me moving out here, he WANTED me to leave with the kids. Our lease ended and he wanted me to live with my parents out here, and he moved in with his mom, to "save" money, well then it turned into we were going to use this time until Dec as a break. Whatever. I've pretty much decided now that I am not going to try to work on our marriage, I will work on myself, and move on. Because he will always be the same person. I don't think he'll ever change. I don't think he wants to be with just me, when things get rocky he wants to be with another woman. He talks to one woman on the phone at all hours of the night, texts her, etc. I don't know why it's so hard for me, oh maybe it's because I love him and I have two children with him.
Basically, I'm going to get myself better, and if he wants to do the same then awesome, but I'm tired of all the relationship blame being put on me, I'm tired of feeling like a p.o.s. all the time because I didn't "say the right thing" or whatever it is! I honestly love him, and I could put this past us, but I can't if he isn't willing to take partial blame, and if he isn't willing to participate in making this better. I will definitely start counseling in the next few weeks, I'm going to find a church here, keep working out, going to school, and getting MY life on track, and maybe he'll see that and he will want to change for the better too. But even if we DO stay together, that has to be equal change on both our parts, and we have to be a team, not enemies, and he would have to make ME first in his life, not ANY other women, I don't care who it is.0 -
Hey everyone!
All the replies are definitely interesting to read people's takes on it all.
Basically what I have to say is this;
In no way am I acting like a victim. I feel that I had a part in this and that when we fought I was supposed to kiss *kitten* still. If he wanted to call me names, get upset with me, whatever the case may be, it was still MY responsibility to make him feel like a God. We go in spurts, really good, really bad, really good, really bad, and so forth. I participated in our fights. We had only one car, and if he wanted to meet up with someone I was stuck at home with the kids until he decided to come home. He would go out with friends until 5-6am and say it was ok because I would be asleep anyways. He would never even answer his phone if I called to make sure he was ok if I woke up at 3am and he wasn't home. He would tell me he doesn't have to check in with me, I'm not his mom, etc.
The respect from our relationship has been gone for awhile. Honestly. And it's heartbreaking. And me moving out here, he WANTED me to leave with the kids. Our lease ended and he wanted me to live with my parents out here, and he moved in with his mom, to "save" money, well then it turned into we were going to use this time until Dec as a break. Whatever. I've pretty much decided now that I am not going to try to work on our marriage, I will work on myself, and move on. Because he will always be the same person. I don't think he'll ever change. I don't think he wants to be with just me, when things get rocky he wants to be with another woman. He talks to one woman on the phone at all hours of the night, texts her, etc. I don't know why it's so hard for me, oh maybe it's because I love him and I have two children with him.
Basically, I'm going to get myself better, and if he wants to do the same then awesome, but I'm tired of all the relationship blame being put on me, I'm tired of feeling like a p.o.s. all the time because I didn't "say the right thing" or whatever it is! I honestly love him, and I could put this past us, but I can't if he isn't willing to take partial blame, and if he isn't willing to participate in making this better. I will definitely start counseling in the next few weeks, I'm going to find a church here, keep working out, going to school, and getting MY life on track, and maybe he'll see that and he will want to change for the better too. But even if we DO stay together, that has to be equal change on both our parts, and we have to be a team, not enemies, and he would have to make ME first in his life, not ANY other women, I don't care who it is.
You are 100% on the right track hun.
You should be very proud of yourself. I don't even know you...and I'm proud for you.0 -
Hey everyone!
All the replies are definitely interesting to read people's takes on it all.
Basically what I have to say is this;
In no way am I acting like a victim. I feel that I had a part in this and that when we fought I was supposed to kiss *kitten* still. If he wanted to call me names, get upset with me, whatever the case may be, it was still MY responsibility to make him feel like a God. We go in spurts, really good, really bad, really good, really bad, and so forth. I participated in our fights. We had only one car, and if he wanted to meet up with someone I was stuck at home with the kids until he decided to come home. He would go out with friends until 5-6am and say it was ok because I would be asleep anyways. He would never even answer his phone if I called to make sure he was ok if I woke up at 3am and he wasn't home. He would tell me he doesn't have to check in with me, I'm not his mom, etc.
The respect from our relationship has been gone for awhile. Honestly. And it's heartbreaking. And me moving out here, he WANTED me to leave with the kids. Our lease ended and he wanted me to live with my parents out here, and he moved in with his mom, to "save" money, well then it turned into we were going to use this time until Dec as a break. Whatever. I've pretty much decided now that I am not going to try to work on our marriage, I will work on myself, and move on. Because he will always be the same person. I don't think he'll ever change. I don't think he wants to be with just me, when things get rocky he wants to be with another woman. He talks to one woman on the phone at all hours of the night, texts her, etc. I don't know why it's so hard for me, oh maybe it's because I love him and I have two children with him.
Basically, I'm going to get myself better, and if he wants to do the same then awesome, but I'm tired of all the relationship blame being put on me, I'm tired of feeling like a p.o.s. all the time because I didn't "say the right thing" or whatever it is! I honestly love him, and I could put this past us, but I can't if he isn't willing to take partial blame, and if he isn't willing to participate in making this better. I will definitely start counseling in the next few weeks, I'm going to find a church here, keep working out, going to school, and getting MY life on track, and maybe he'll see that and he will want to change for the better too. But even if we DO stay together, that has to be equal change on both our parts, and we have to be a team, not enemies, and he would have to make ME first in his life, not ANY other women, I don't care who it is.
You are 100% on the right track hun.
You should be very proud of yourself. I don't even know you...and I'm proud for you.
OP - I am so glad you have posted...and sorry if I was a little harsh/defensive, but I feel that I had to stand up so to speak, partially for you. No-one is a victim and I never thought you put yourself across as one. Just someone, like anybody out there, having trouble through a relationship. We all do at some point in our life, however minor even.
I'[ve been in a similar situation to yours and I didn't want people swaying you in the wrong direction. I must admit the woman and texting thing - I've been there too even tho my parner cheated twice - he was always texting and spending time, eating out with his female friend. Its not nice I know. and you have all sorts of thoughts run through your head. Especially when they just carry on regardless of your talks, pleas etc.
I'm so glad you have done what you have. You are definately on the right track with taking time for you and the kids. And I really do hope your husband sees that you are getting on with your life (like I did when I separeated for a while) - hopefully he will see the changes and ACKNOWLEDGES what he has done, said and put on you. I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this.
I've made it work with my partner during times when we'[ve lived apart - we still acted like a family unit. Although my circumstances were a little different.
I realise there are some men and women out there who are just simply unwilling to change or even try....sadly, some just don't even realise there'[s a problem, because of their own emotional instability/fear/insecurities (a little bit like my partner). They just need time, guidance and someone to listen - as long as they are willing to accept these things and change.
Stay on track and I am so pleased you are taking this time for you and the children, to make a better life regardless. Take care and know that there are alot of people out there who are a great support line during the low times. There are some great people on MFP who are very supportive because of their own experiences. I have one friend here who was a great support for me.
Take care and I wish you all the best.
Go out there and hold your head high, carry on and do everything for the kids. You seem like a great woman.0 -
Hey everyone!
All the replies are definitely interesting to read people's takes on it all.
Basically what I have to say is this;
In no way am I acting like a victim. I feel that I had a part in this and that when we fought I was supposed to kiss *kitten* still. If he wanted to call me names, get upset with me, whatever the case may be, it was still MY responsibility to make him feel like a God. We go in spurts, really good, really bad, really good, really bad, and so forth. I participated in our fights. We had only one car, and if he wanted to meet up with someone I was stuck at home with the kids until he decided to come home. He would go out with friends until 5-6am and say it was ok because I would be asleep anyways. He would never even answer his phone if I called to make sure he was ok if I woke up at 3am and he wasn't home. He would tell me he doesn't have to check in with me, I'm not his mom, etc.
The respect from our relationship has been gone for awhile. Honestly. And it's heartbreaking. And me moving out here, he WANTED me to leave with the kids. Our lease ended and he wanted me to live with my parents out here, and he moved in with his mom, to "save" money, well then it turned into we were going to use this time until Dec as a break. Whatever. I've pretty much decided now that I am not going to try to work on our marriage, I will work on myself, and move on. Because he will always be the same person. I don't think he'll ever change. I don't think he wants to be with just me, when things get rocky he wants to be with another woman. He talks to one woman on the phone at all hours of the night, texts her, etc. I don't know why it's so hard for me, oh maybe it's because I love him and I have two children with him.
Basically, I'm going to get myself better, and if he wants to do the same then awesome, but I'm tired of all the relationship blame being put on me, I'm tired of feeling like a p.o.s. all the time because I didn't "say the right thing" or whatever it is! I honestly love him, and I could put this past us, but I can't if he isn't willing to take partial blame, and if he isn't willing to participate in making this better. I will definitely start counseling in the next few weeks, I'm going to find a church here, keep working out, going to school, and getting MY life on track, and maybe he'll see that and he will want to change for the better too. But even if we DO stay together, that has to be equal change on both our parts, and we have to be a team, not enemies, and he would have to make ME first in his life, not ANY other women, I don't care who it is.
this really is the best example you can set your kids , good luck hun, i watched my mum start all over again when my parents divorced, she had no job, a big mortgage from buying my dads half and two daughters at home, no driving licence etc...and i grew up a strong bl**dy independent woman! Good luck to you xxx0 -
Good luck to you! I am sorry, but just wanted to say to op, that it sounds like someone needs to kick your hubby in the pants..
. Sounds like all of a sudden he has decided to makeup what works for him as the rules of the family regardless of how much it hurts others and that is just not right. Been there, and it looks like you picked a great place to vent. Plenty of supporters! 0 -
Well you are going to get a you deserve better post because you do. Nothing you could have done makes his grimy cheating *kitten* your fault, and I hope you actually believe that. I don't think the trust can ever be fully repaired. I know some people get counseling and move on but I really do have a hard time believing they trust whole heatedly, that it would never happen again. I personally would end the marriage without a second thought. Because I know I deserve better and I need to be a healthy role model for our child. I really believe people treat you how you allow them to. Accepting this and trying to repair a relationship that he ruined because he obviously cares very little about the relationship does not make sense to me. I'd recommend you move on. You'll be stronger and wiser when all is said and done.0
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I didn't have the time here to read all the replies, so pardon me if this has been covered. But cheating, often...takes two (and I don't mean the person he cheated with).
Now...before I get jumped by every woman on the site...let me explain. I had a friend. His Dad...was one of THE most respectable men I've ever met in my life. He loved his wife dearly.
She would not sleep with him as often (meaning, never) as he needed, and she treated him like dirt 75% of the time. Nothing he did for her was good enough...etc. He eventually cheated on her with his secretary...for about two months as a matter of fact.
Here's the thing...when a man...any man...is being treated poorly, day in and day out...for years...with no reward for his efforts...then he goes to work, and is treated like a god by an attractive, sweet, caring girl (yes, we all know she's not those things if she's trying to get him to cheat...he can't see that though, of course)...what is going to happen?
You bet...he's going to cheat...eventually.
I know the guy of course, he felt a level of guilt that most people wouldn't comprehend. He eventually quit his job (why fire the secretary for what he felt was his mistake?), but they hired him back into another office. He and his wife went to counselling, where she learned HER part in it. She changed some...but mostly I think he just resigned himself to living with Satan's grandmother for the rest of his life. They're still together, and this happened just out of high school.
Now, some disclaimers. I don't know the OP, her husband, or anyone else involved. I can say, that any of us giving relationship advice based on her side alone (no matter how real it seems to us)...isn't fair to their MARRIAGE. Note, I didn't say to her...though in the end it's not fair to her either.
It's certainly not fair to their kids, assuming they have children.
I wish you luck with your marriage hun. And for the record...I've been cheated on...and had the person not had other emotional issues causing it...we would have made it through it too. Forgiveness is possible...no matter how IMpossible it seems...you just have to know they deserve it first, then work for it.
Although I agree an abusive partner can be factor, I don't believe that partner is a controling factor of why a person actually cheats. Wanting to and actually doing it are two ends of a spectrum. Being treated badly is not a reason to cheat .. it is an excuse. There is a difference. Sure, mentally one can get worn down .. (male or female) through emotional or mental abuse. Abuse is abuse .. THAT is a whole other dimension. We all know of the remedies for being in an abusive relationship .. Cheating is not even on that list.
Impaired judgement is never a reason to cheat. WE all have weak moments. Much the same as getting looped at a party and having a quickie with someone else in the coat closet .. THAT is still cheating..No one would ever accept the "Well, I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" excuse. That doesn't work for drinking and driving .. and it won't work here. Much the same goes with a person in an abusive relationship who searches for refuge in the arms of someone else, then goes back to their spouse in either complete denial or worse .. elation that they have just 'gotten away' with it.
Cheating is cheating. It's all about deception and broken promises .. We ALL have moments of weakness .. yet we are not ALL cheaters.
That's no excuse and what a silly excuse for a man. I don't agree AT ALL with what his wife did to him. However he should have manned up and left her. Never ever is it the other persons fault. When you get married you say for better or for worse clearly he forgot that part. There were many steps he could have taken instead of cheating on his wife. And when you make the decisions to cheat you not only screw over the person you are with your screw your whole family over. People need to think twice before making these decisions. I could never respect my father again if he cheated on my mom regardless of their situation. It is the most hurtful thing you can do to someone you're supposed to love. And never is their an excuse for it.0 -
He hasn't given you any reason to trust him again. He hasn't said he is sorry and he doesn't want to work on your marriage. If he was repentant ( saying he is sorry and committed to never again being unfaithful) and willing to go to counseling and work on your marriage, then you would have a foundation to build trust. At this point, it would foolish to trust him. I have seen marriages healed from this type of harm, but never without both people committed and working hard together.
I am sorry that your husband and friend betrayed your trust. There isn't ANY excuse for their behavior.0 -
Basically this is how I feel; I want to tell him if he doesn't buck up and act like a man and tAke responsibility for his actions and do the right thing and try to make things work, someone else is going to to step in and raise his kids eventually. Like I'm not trying to be harsh, but he is living with his alcoholic mom and dad now for the time being and there is no way that he will fit me for custody ESP if I join the air force.
So if you tell him this, THEN WHAT?? Do you think that would make any difference? Maybe he's ambivalent, maybe he'll see the error of his ways, maybe he's checked out for good. But in any case, this is SOOOOOOOOOOO not about him. This is about your relationship with yourself and the message you send to your kids. No one has to tell a man to be a man. I agree that marriages can survive adultery....but there's a recipe for that. And it's not your job to give him the ingredients. What you can do is make sure you have what YOU need, which is a forgiving heart (that's for you, not him), a good support system, a relationship with God, and MONEY to take care of yourself and your babies. Telling your husband and his wayward penis what he needs to do is a waste of time and emotion.
I've been through a divorce before and here's what I learned:
Your self-esteem is going to take an enormous hit! And you will be affected in ways you never expected, probably for a few years to come. This is not necessarily a bad thing because you will learn to love yourself in ways that you never expected...IF you don't abort the healing process by focusing on what the other person should have done to make things right.
I think you know where your husband stands. And it sucks that he's in that place. But trying to bring him out of it is not your job. That's a job only for God and you can pray for him to have a heart for his family. And while you pray, participate in your own healing and be the mother your kids need. Get your finances in order and seek wise counsel about your future plans for employment. It sounds like you're doing things to find out who you really are.0 -
That's my advice, too. I would also strongly suggest that you reach out to a professional (counselor) to help you work through your pain & help you sort out all of your emotions. Regardless of what happens with your husband, I think it would really help you. And also remember, you have no control over your husband's actions--past or future. If he does not truly want to make it work, there is nothing YOU can do about that. No amount of change on your part will keep him faithful, no matter what he tries to make you believe. Also, you are not to blame for what he did. He is a grown man, and had choices, just like the rest of us.This is my advice. No one can tell you whether or not you should get back with your husband....that is a decision you have to soul search yourself for. While you can never forget infedility, you can forgive...I know first hand. Both you and your husband have to be 100% whole heartedly ready to give your marriage a try or it will never work. No marriage or relationship is perfect, but if two people are trying their best to make things work it will, and if not, it wont.
To answer your original question, yes, I know first-hand that trust can be re-built. It is a long, hard road, and it may not be the right road for everyone. It also takes active participation from both parties, and complete honesty, even when it hurts.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Sometimes all you can really do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. Focus on the things you can control. Your husband & his choices are not things you can control. 0
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