Once the trust is broken

hazelnutflav

you said it yourself "he doesn't want to make our marriage work because I won't change".

ummm...what more do you need?.......... AND he has no remorse.

BellySoonGone

how many of you think once the trust (infidelity) in a marriage/relationship is broken, it can't be gained back?
Having a hard time right now, I'm separated from my husband, who was unfaithful for two mons back in January and February, we are separated, on verge of divorce. I feel like I can never trust him. This was with my friend on top of it all. I know I'm going to get a lot of you deserve better posts, and I do, he hasn't even said sorry for it, it's hard for me. He said he doesn't want to make our marriage work because I won't change, nothing about this is his fault. We are both to blame. But I can't trust him, I want to, but it's been downhill since January, I feel hopeless.

Based on your post things sound pretty radical: "I feel like I can never trust him" means you can't, and "He said he doesn't want to make our marriage work because I won't change" means he not only does not take any blame but puts it on you - passive aggressive *kitten* that he is. At least - if he wants you he'd admit there is a mistake he made and it's you who he cares for.. He doesn't.
So here is the radical conclusion that goes with it: I am sorry to say but either you end that marriage soon and you move on, or you'll be stuck in one bad thing that sounds like it will be doomed anyway later.

EDIT: An "add on" though to what I just said is that trust can be regained (to answer that question), but it requires time and good reasons (which there are none as it seems) like the 100% desire on both parts to work it out.

ginny1214

Basically this is how I feel; I want to tell him if he doesn't buck up and act like a man and tAke responsibility for his actions and do the right thing and try to make things work, someone else is going to to step in and raise his kids eventually. Like I'm not trying to be harsh, but he is living with his alcoholic mom and dad now for the time being and there is no way that he will fit me for custody ESP if I join the air force.

ginny1214

Basically this is how I feel; I want to tell him if he doesn't buck up and act like a man and tAke responsibility for his actions and do the right thing and try to make things work, someone else is going to to step in and raise his kids eventually. Like I'm not trying to be harsh, but he is living with his alcoholic mom and dad now for the time being and there is no way that he will fit me for custody ESP if I join the air force.

JoLeeFA

I am sorry that this has happened to you.
I hope I never have to find out for sure, but I don't think I could continue in the marriage. For me, the big things that stick out, he wants you to change, he's not sorry for what he did.....

I am thinking some therapy for you would not be a bad idea.

good luck and remember to take care of yourself!

ginny1214

Totally get where you're coming from. I guess I'm torn because of what my heart vs head says. Bc if it was a friend going through this I'd say leave his *kitten*! But now that it's me, it's like I just want our family to work and to be a family again. I was just completely taken aback is morning when he flat out said were not together and therefore he doesn't have to tell me where he is or who he is with, it's none of my business. Hello I'm still his wife, and a month ago we were living together, sleeping togetherhanging out. I feel like he just couldn't wait for me to live so he could be free.

how many of you think once the trust (infidelity) in a marriage/relationship is broken, it can't be gained back?
Having a hard time right now, I'm separated from my husband, who was unfaithful for two mons back in January and February, we are separated, on verge of divorce. I feel like I can never trust him. This was with my friend on top of it all. I know I'm going to get a lot of you deserve better posts, and I do, he hasn't even said sorry for it, it's hard for me. He said he doesn't want to make our marriage work because I won't change, nothing about this is his fault. We are both to blame. But I can't trust him, I want to, but it's been downhill since January, I feel hopeless.

Based on your post things sound pretty radical: "I feel like I can never trust him" means you can't, and "He said he doesn't want to make our marriage work because I won't change" means he not only does not take any blame but puts it on you - passive aggressive *kitten* that he is. At least - if he wants you he'd admit there is a mistake he made and it's you who he cares for.. He doesn't.
So here is the radical conclusion that goes with it: I am sorry to say but either you end that marriage soon and you move on, or you'll be stuck in one bad thing that sounds like it will be doomed anyway later.

EDIT: An "add on" though to what I just said is that trust can be regained (to answer that question), but it requires time and good reasons (which there are none as it seems) like the 100% desire on both parts to work it out.

dovesgate

Basically this is how I feel; I want to tell him if he doesn't buck up and act like a man and tAke responsibility for his actions and do the right thing and try to make things work, someone else is going to to step in and raise his kids eventually. Like I'm not trying to be harsh, but he is living with his alcoholic mom and dad now for the time being and there is no way that he will fit me for custody ESP if I join the air force.

I'm not trying to be harsh here but he has already told you how he feels. A wise person would listen to what they are told (especially when the actions go along with them).

BTW - you might want to have another look into the Air Force thing. If it is anything like the other military branches, he wont have to fight to get the kids. You have to go to boot camp. He's the father. He has rights too. You won't be able to leave them with your parents or whoever if he wants them.

sunkisses

It never comes back. Everytime that he comes home late from work or he gets a text message, you will wonder who it's from or who he is with. It opens up fresh every time you see something that reminds you or hear something or if your mind just starts to wander. It's terrible.

This.

I'm not going to give advice, 'cause I can already tell that you want the trust to come back, and that's all you can see. Plus you didn't ask for advice. So here's what *I* would do next time when faced with this:

Move the fu*k on with my life.

I was never meant to worry about this kind of thing. I am not a jealous woman. I don't want to be a mother to my man. I don't clip wings, even if it means he'll fly away from me. But when I was put into this position and I chose to stay - I changed. I was not carefree and happy anymore. I was always wondering, always worrying, always feeling like I wasn't good enough. These things are contradictory to who I was and am again. Worrying about his actions turned me into the anti-me. I wasn't the same woman he got with from just 6 short months of him "earning" trust back. There was that 2nd honeymoon phase, but after that I just questioned EVERYthing he did.

Honestly, there was NOTHING he could have done to prove to me that he wouldn't do that again. The best thing that ever happened was that he finally realized this fact and left me. I would never allow that to happen to myself again. Like I can't stop a guy from cheating on me. But I'll be damned if he's gonna do it twice to me. Keep it movin'.

springtrio

Honey, my marriage was a lie from the time we got married. Been together since 2001, and now in 2011...we're ready to split. He used the excuse that I changed once I lost weight. I did...but I also wasn't a doormat anymore. He's the only thing I know, but I'd rather be lonely (and honestly fear of lonliness was what kept me from divorcing him) than be his wife while he has a girlfriend. It can't EVER be replaced. EVER.

How can my experience help you...spread your wings, fly. It's harder if you have kids (we have three), but I know I'm going to be okay. Right now our marriage is just legally together. It was over a long time ago as far as I'm concerned.

Move on. You can do it.

chinamonkey

Ive got to say, calling you pathetic, lazy, blaming you for him not keeping it in his pants etc etc....hun, thats emotional abuse...thats domestic abuse...however you want to dress it up...it is....

He sounds like an egotistical *kitten* needing some skirt to kiss his *kitten* and make him feel better....he isnt a man...he's needy, and is having his ego stroked by someone who isnt you...that sounds harsh but what i mean is its a novelty...its not the mrs at home who he is used to...it feels illicit and fresh and new....it will wear off and when it does he will be bored of this new tart and move onto another....

Move on, and be a better happier you and find someone who deserves such a great woman...
xxxxx

crisanderson27

I didn't have the time here to read all the replies, so pardon me if this has been covered. But cheating, often...takes two (and I don't mean the person he cheated with).

Now...before I get jumped by every woman on the site...let me explain. I had a friend. His Dad...was one of THE most respectable men I've ever met in my life. He loved his wife dearly.

She would not sleep with him as often (meaning, never) as he needed, and she treated him like dirt 75% of the time. Nothing he did for her was good enough...etc. He eventually cheated on her with his secretary...for about two months as a matter of fact.

Here's the thing...when a man...any man...is being treated poorly, day in and day out...for years...with no reward for his efforts...then he goes to work, and is treated like a god by an attractive, sweet, caring girl (yes, we all know she's not those things if she's trying to get him to cheat...he can't see that though, of course)...what is going to happen?

You bet...he's going to cheat...eventually.

I know the guy of course, he felt a level of guilt that most people wouldn't comprehend. He eventually quit his job (why fire the secretary for what he felt was his mistake?), but they hired him back into another office. He and his wife went to counselling, where she learned HER part in it. She changed some...but mostly I think he just resigned himself to living with Satan's grandmother for the rest of his life. They're still together, and this happened just out of high school.

Now, some disclaimers. I don't know the OP, her husband, or anyone else involved. I can say, that any of us giving relationship advice based on her side alone (no matter how real it seems to us)...isn't fair to their MARRIAGE. Note, I didn't say to her...though in the end it's not fair to her either.

It's certainly not fair to their kids, assuming they have children.

I wish you luck with your marriage hun. And for the record...I've been cheated on...and had the person not had other emotional issues causing it...we would have made it through it too. Forgiveness is possible...no matter how IMpossible it seems...you just have to know they deserve it first, then work for it.

dlaplume2

I am sorry you are going through this. I think deep down you know the answer to the real question you are asking. You are just not ready to accept it yet. The question you asked is if it can be rebuilt. The answer is Yes. The real question is can your relationship be repaired. The answer to that is yes it can; however it probably wont be and that is the answer you don't want to hear yet. He cheated on you, hasn't accepted the resposibility, hasn't appologized and has done any thing to show you that he cares at all about working things out. It takes two to tango. No matter what the circumstances that led him to that infidelity he is not taking a partnership role in making it better. You have his answer, you just need to work on you so you can get to that place of closure.

Keep doing what you are doing. Go to school, work on weightloss, join the military if that is what you want. All of these are postive steps that will help you work on your shattered self esteem. I do think you should do some praying too. I don't know if that is your thing, but I believe God can and will heal your heart if you let him.

Best wishes to you and your kids. They must be feeling the stress you are under too. Take care of yourself.

cspence2270

how many of you think once the trust (infidelity) in a marriage/relationship is broken, it can't be gained back?
Having a hard time right now, I'm separated from my husband, who was unfaithful for two mons back in January and February, we are separated, on verge of divorce. I feel like I can never trust him. This was with my friend on top of it all. I know I'm going to get a lot of you deserve better posts, and I do, he hasn't even said sorry for it, it's hard for me. He said he doesn't want to make our marriage work because I won't change, nothing about this is his fault. We are both to blame. But I can't trust him, I want to, but it's been downhill since January, I feel hopeless.

I guess I'm not sure what you want people to say.. if your question is can a marriage over come an affair the answer is yes, if both people are willing to work and want it to work. But it sounds like your soon to be ex doesn't want to work it out at all and that is beyond your control.. one thing I've learned in life is you have no control over the actions of others and you have to accept that and understand that you can only control how you react to this awful situation. If you step back and look at things you probably had some problems before this happened and he choose this, he could have brought his unhappiness to your attention and suggested that you seek some counseling or work on your marriage but he didn't he choose to have an affair. So as hard as it is you probably need to look to your future and move on find something you can learn from this and take it with you. Maybe seeing a counselor would help since you feel hopeless, which is normal by the way. You know that this is both your fault and that he's just trying to not take responsibility for his actions and choices. I hope that you will move on and be happy once again. Right now it's time to focus on you and what you want out of your life. Good Luck

sunkisses

I didn't have the time here to read all the replies, so pardon me if this has been covered. But cheating, often...takes two (and I don't mean the person he cheated with).

Now...before I get jumped by every woman on the site...let me explain. I had a friend. His Dad...was one of THE most respectable men I've ever met in my life. He loved his wife dearly.

She would not sleep with him as often (meaning, never) as he needed, and she treated him like dirt 75% of the time. Nothing he did for her was good enough...etc. He eventually cheated on her with his secretary...for about two months as a matter of fact.

Here's the thing...when a man...any man...is being treated poorly, day in and day out...for years...with no reward for his efforts...then he goes to work, and is treated like a god by an attractive, sweet, caring girl (yes, we all know she's not those things if she's trying to get him to cheat...he can't see that though, of course)...what is going to happen?

You bet...he's going to cheat...eventually.

I know the guy of course, he felt a level of guilt that most people wouldn't comprehend. He eventually quit his job (why fire the secretary for what he felt was his mistake?), but they hired him back into another office. He and his wife went to counselling, where she learned HER part in it. She changed some...but mostly I think he just resigned himself to living with Satan's grandmother for the rest of his life. They're still together, and this happened just out of high school.

Now, some disclaimers. I don't know the OP, her husband, or anyone else involved. I can say, that any of us giving relationship advice based on her side alone (no matter how real it seems to us)...isn't fair to their MARRIAGE. Note, I didn't say to her...though in the end it's not fair to her either.

It's certainly not fair to their kids, assuming they have children.

I wish you luck with your marriage hun. And for the record...I've been cheated on...and had the person not had other emotional issues causing it...we would have made it through it too. Forgiveness is possible...no matter how IMpossible it seems...you just have to know they deserve it first, then work for it.

Honestly.... do you think that telling her there's a good chance she's the reason her husband banged someone else is beneficial? Be serious. She didn't ask "Why do you think he cheated?" Yet, the only relevant part of your post to what she asked was at the bottom.

Your story just highlights what little respect your friend's dad had for his wife. If he needed some trim that badly, he should have told her flat out "I need it. I'm going to get it." Or he should have left her if he was so unhappy.

You have no idea what goes on in someone's psyche or what's going on emotionally for them. What you're telling this woman, whom you have never met, whose husband blames her for his infidelity is that he's right. She should feel guilty. That's not cool, man. Not even a little bit.

You are a guy, but you are not ALL guys. So don't speak for everyone else, unless you want to store this one in your memory banks. I had amazing, mind-blowing sex with my ex EVERY SINGLE DAY we were together. Our sex life and our relationship was ideal to both of us, and the people around us could tell. So what was it that *I* did that MADE my poor ex want to cheat on me? Oh, right - I wasn't a 25 year-old child-free girl with no responsibilities. And my ex, unfortunately missed those years of his life and didn't want but NEEDED to have those years at the tender age of 43.

Next thing you know you'll be blaming rape victims for jogging at night.

dlaplume2

I didn't have the time here to read all the replies, so pardon me if this has been covered. But cheating, often...takes two (and I don't mean the person he cheated with).

Now...before I get jumped by every woman on the site...let me explain. I had a friend. His Dad...was one of THE most respectable men I've ever met in my life. He loved his wife dearly.

She would not sleep with him as often (meaning, never) as he needed, and she treated him like dirt 75% of the time. Nothing he did for her was good enough...etc. He eventually cheated on her with his secretary...for about two months as a matter of fact.

Here's the thing...when a man...any man...is being treated poorly, day in and day out...for years...with no reward for his efforts...then he goes to work, and is treated like a god by an attractive, sweet, caring girl (yes, we all know she's not those things if she's trying to get him to cheat...he can't see that though, of course)...what is going to happen?

You bet...he's going to cheat...eventually.

I know the guy of course, he felt a level of guilt that most people wouldn't comprehend. He eventually quit his job (why fire the secretary for what he felt was his mistake?), but they hired him back into another office. He and his wife went to counselling, where she learned HER part in it. She changed some...but mostly I think he just resigned himself to living with Satan's grandmother for the rest of his life. They're still together, and this happened just out of high school.

Now, some disclaimers. I don't know the OP, her husband, or anyone else involved. I can say, that any of us giving relationship advice based on her side alone (no matter how real it seems to us)...isn't fair to their MARRIAGE. Note, I didn't say to her...though in the end it's not fair to her either.

It's certainly not fair to their kids, assuming they have children.

I wish you luck with your marriage hun. And for the record...I've been cheated on...and had the person not had other emotional issues causing it...we would have made it through it too. Forgiveness is possible...no matter how IMpossible it seems...you just have to know they deserve it first, then work for it.

I think your input is logical and somewhat helpful, the only problem here is; the husband you speak of showed remorse and took actions to make his wife feel like he was invested in the relationship and wanted it to work out. I am glad for them, that it did. The problem Ginney is having is her husband, hasn't appologized, hasn't offered to work it out, and is still acting in a way that shows he is not in it for the long haul.

lmelangley

It sounds to me like no matter how much you'd like to be able to salvage your marriage - and I'm inferring from your post that you do - your husband isn't interested. If he isn't interested in working with you on this, you'll never be able to regain the trust. It always takes 2 to make a marriage work, no matter how cliche that sounds. My heart goes out to you.

crisanderson27

Honestly.... do you think that telling her there's a good chance she's the reason her husband banged someone else is beneficial? Be serious. She didn't ask "Why do you think he cheated?" Yet, the only relevant part of your post to what she asked was at the bottom.

Do I think giving her the advice that she might be the reason her husband cheated is beneficial? You bet...IF she's actually the reason. And...If she doesn't know for sure...how the hell are you or I going to tell her...from cyberspace??? Her husband sounds like an *kitten* to me...but again, I only have her side. How can I be the judge?

Your story just highlights what little respect your friend's dad had for his wife. If he needed some trim that badly, he should have told her flat out "I need it. I'm going to get it." Or he should have left her if he was so unhappy.

Unfortunately, those aren't always the only two options. Circumstances have a large impact on decisions. He needed more than 'trim'. He needed attention, affection, and validation. 'Trim' was just one expression of it. Why do women always think men cheating is about sex? When a GOOD man (there's such a thing as a good man who has cheated btw) cheats...it has NOTHING to do with the sex. A good man also won't abandon his family to sate his own needs...which is exactly what the hell leaving them is. So it's a catch 22. Either way he's damned...so he spends months fighting it, eventually gives in, regrets it...then spends however long fixing it. That's a hell of a lot different than 'needing some trim' and telling her 'I need it. I'm going to get it'.

You have no idea what goes on in someone's psyche or what's going on emotionally for them. What you're telling this woman, whom you have never met, whose husband blames her for his infidelity is that he's right. She should feel guilty. That's not cool, man. Not even a little bit.

Neither do you hun...and you just explained why none of us should be responding in any way, shape, or form to relationship advice requests online. And for the record, I didn't tell her he's right. I gave a story that sheds doubt on all the pitchfork wielding lynch mob types that usually post in these threads. As I said above...if she isn't certain he's not right, and even if she is...she owes it to her marriage to look a little deeper than a bunch of idiots (myself included) online.

You are a guy, but you are not ALL guys. So don't speak for everyone else, unless you want to store this one in your memory banks. I had amazing, mind-blowing sex with my ex EVERY SINGLE DAY we were together. Our sex life and our relationship was ideal to both of us, and the people around us could tell. So what was it that *I* did that MADE my poor ex want to cheat on me? Oh, right - I wasn't a 25 year-old child-free girl with no responsibilities. And my ex, unfortunately missed those years of his life and didn't want but NEEDED to have those years at the tender age of 43.

I am a guy, and I am not all guys. I was also speaking for myself, and one scenario I've experienced. Your ex hun, sounds like a real winner. Do I think you deserved better...based off your story, you bet! Would I do what you've described? HELL no. I don't like most guys...and I respect even fewer. I think society in general has deteriorated to a level that's just disgusting. The way married couples treat each other in general is deplorable. But again...neither you or I have the ability to judge their relationship based off of one side of a story...given in the few minutes it took to initiate the thread. These things can take years to work out, with counselling....yet people expect answers by posting a question on a fitness forum.

it doesn't work.

Next thing you know you'll be blaming rape victims for jogging at night.

Oh...come on...you know better than that. I gave one example of an opposing scenario...to which you've pretty much exploded...which is fine...I kind of expected it. But to this, I want to say again that I made this point, not so much for the OP, as for EVERYONE ELSE who I knew for a fact was going to tell her 'leave the jerk!!". There's more than one side to this story...and while I may lean towards the side of the OP (I do, in fact), the fact is...it could be complete rubbish. This is the INTERNET hun, and I hate to break it to you (you of all people...because most times, we agree to the letter)...but not every story put up on a forum is truthful, or even accurate. I'm 100% sure she's telling her side as she sees it...and she may be even telling it clearly, without bias...but that is far, far from the norm in these situations.

The only good internet advice for relationships is 'go see a freaking counsellor who can talk to both of you'...because anything else said, has every opportunity to ruin a relationship...and if there's kids, a family. I know this, because this is what MY ex used to do for sympathy...and to gear herself up for her next stupid move. Only she'd usually flat out lie, which I don't believe is the case here.

So again, to clarify...I told this story, first as an opposing yet still accurate viewpoint...as well as to counter the flood of 'he's an *kitten*...leave him...AFTER you tie him to the bed and light the house on fire!!" posts.

I think your input is logical and somewhat helpful, the only problem here is; the husband you speak of showed remorse and took actions to make his wife feel like he was invested in the relationship and wanted it to work out. I am glad for them, that it did. The problem Ginney is having is her husband, hasn't appologized, hasn't offered to work it out, and is still acting in a way that shows he is not in it for the long haul.

You're right...I agree, my friend's Dad DID show remorse, and did take those actions. Honestly, I feel the guy was better off divorced...but he did the right thing for his kids, and his family...which is what I'd have done as well, and is just one of the reasons I respect him.

The only fair advice we can give Ginney, is to talk to unbiased people who have both sides available. Asking for relationship advice on the internet is a serious game of Russian Roulette...only most times, every chamber is loaded. We cannot take the responsibility of giving her advice with only her side (which again, I not only believe...but instinctively support. It seems I have to clarify this so I don't get e-jumped) to go off of...don't you agree?

calibri

It differs from relationship to relationship, you have to know for yourself if it's worth it to stay. It sounds like you've made your decision already.

XDoodlebugger

Thanks ladies. There has been so much, I mean I moved to another state with our two kids to take a break for 6 months. Well I was here for a week and we fight and he tells me he is filing for a divorce, so ok we talked off and on for a few weeks like three weeks, then all of a sudden he starts calling me everyday for 10 days acting like he has a fresher attitude, the whole 9 yards, and a few days ago I ask him where we stood and he tells me"to be honest were probably not getting back together" which was like what totally not the vibe I was given. So then this morning I get an email saying sprint family locator was activated again and sent me n email of my location as well as his, and he (early in the am) is all the way on the other side of town, so naturally I don't trust him, I text him where he was and he needs to delete that feature of our account. So he gets snippy with me saying were not together he doesn't have to tell me where he is or who he is with, and that I haven't changed and I'm e same person I was, and that if he had any inkling of trying to make it work again over the past few weeks it's been smshed now.

I just feel so hopeless, how can I love someone who obviously doesn't love me or care for me back. And it's like so I have to suffer the consequences of HIS actions

He made a mistake but you admit it is not totally his fault, why? And you moved to another State with your kids to "take a break"?

Infidelity is terrible and very painful to go through, but running away doesn't help anything. It takes two people making an effort to make a relationship work, not two people NOT trying to make a relationship work. I would ask you to be the bigger person for at least a certain period of time for your kids sake, you can't force someone to want you but if you don't at least put in some effort it doesn't sound like your husband is in the mood to do so either.

I'm not defending your husbands actions, I just feel that too many people today seek divorce as a solution rather than putting in the effort at least for the sake of their kids. If you swallow your pride and make a serious effort in your relationship for a decent period of time and he doesn't change, well at least your know YOU tried.

calibri

Please do not stay in an abusive (emotionally or physically) relationship for your kids. It will make you resentful of those around you; all the negative energy will help no one.