Once the trust is broken

crisanderson27

That's no excuse and what a silly excuse for a man. I don't agree AT ALL with what his wife did to him. However he should have manned up and left her. Never ever is it the other persons fault. When you get married you say for better or for worse clearly he forgot that part. There were many steps he could have taken instead of cheating on his wife. And when you make the decisions to cheat you not only screw over the person you are with your screw your whole family over. People need to think twice before making these decisions. I could never respect my father again if he cheated on my mom regardless of their situation. It is the most hurtful thing you can do to someone you're supposed to love. And never is their an excuse for it.

I agree with you completely...as I've said, I've never cheated on anyone in my life, except ONE girlfriend back when I was 19 (and it was only 'technically' cheating...she said we were split up). It hurt me more than it hurt her (I lived with it for a long time before I told her). That lesson is one I'll never forget.

The one part I DON'T agree with, is this:

However he should have manned up and left her.

I'm sorry, under no circumstances is abandoning your family, breaking your home up, and putting your kids through that kind of hell acceptable to me. That's the ONLY thing worse than cheating in my book. If the problem is yours...handle it. If the problem is hers...you deal with it until SHE handles it. He screwed up, as a consequence of indecision, temptation, and probably some level of depression due to her treatment (it wasn't the big things...it was the constant stream of examples of how he wasn't good enough). That didn't make him a bad man...and his kids had many years of a strong male role model in their life due to his decision NOT to leave, even though he screwed up. He put up with years (and probably still is to be honest) of enforced guilt from his wife...who, had he left, I promise you...would never have found another man like him. I can also guarantee he's never had sex not one time since.

Pretty steep punishment for screwing up, in my opinion...particularly since he loved her enough to stick around and take care of her (she didn't work, and hasn't worked since all of us were in High School) to this day.

Now...I also want to quantify this with the statement that I understand and agree completely, that he is in the EXTREME minority. As I've said...there are very few men in this world I like...and even fewer I respect. I am on YOUR side in this...but I would defend this mans decisions with my blood...because not only is he human, and prone to mistakes...but he is one of the few men I know that took full punishment willingly, for the sake of his family.

I hope you can understand where I'm coming from here.

livnlite

Hey everyone!

All the replies are definitely interesting to read people's takes on it all.

Basically what I have to say is this;
In no way am I acting like a victim. I feel that I had a part in this and that when we fought I was supposed to kiss *kitten* still. If he wanted to call me names, get upset with me, whatever the case may be, it was still MY responsibility to make him feel like a God. We go in spurts, really good, really bad, really good, really bad, and so forth. I participated in our fights. We had only one car, and if he wanted to meet up with someone I was stuck at home with the kids until he decided to come home. He would go out with friends until 5-6am and say it was ok because I would be asleep anyways. He would never even answer his phone if I called to make sure he was ok if I woke up at 3am and he wasn't home. He would tell me he doesn't have to check in with me, I'm not his mom, etc.
The respect from our relationship has been gone for awhile. Honestly. And it's heartbreaking. And me moving out here, he WANTED me to leave with the kids. Our lease ended and he wanted me to live with my parents out here, and he moved in with his mom, to "save" money, well then it turned into we were going to use this time until Dec as a break. Whatever. I've pretty much decided now that I am not going to try to work on our marriage, I will work on myself, and move on. Because he will always be the same person. I don't think he'll ever change. I don't think he wants to be with just me, when things get rocky he wants to be with another woman. He talks to one woman on the phone at all hours of the night, texts her, etc. I don't know why it's so hard for me, oh maybe it's because I love him and I have two children with him.
Basically, I'm going to get myself better, and if he wants to do the same then awesome, but I'm tired of all the relationship blame being put on me, I'm tired of feeling like a p.o.s. all the time because I didn't "say the right thing" or whatever it is! I honestly love him, and I could put this past us, but I can't if he isn't willing to take partial blame, and if he isn't willing to participate in making this better. I will definitely start counseling in the next few weeks, I'm going to find a church here, keep working out, going to school, and getting MY life on track, and maybe he'll see that and he will want to change for the better too. But even if we DO stay together, that has to be equal change on both our parts, and we have to be a team, not enemies, and he would have to make ME first in his life, not ANY other women, I don't care who it is.

Good grief, my girl. The writing is on the wall. By the sounds of it, he is extremely emotionally abusive yet you feel he can change .. and start to love you again. Come on ... get a grip! You have to start thinking logically and realistically. LOVE is not something you control .. either you have it or you don't. You can't expect him to miraculously start behaving better ...THAT is a fantasy...not reality. He may have some realistic emotional issues that will have to be settled before he can ever commit to loving anyone. He needs help...it's not something that 'just happens'.

In the meantime though ...
It's time to grow up and become a responsible adult. You have young children to think about. Being a door mat to an abusive husband is not a good role model for those kids. They are learning everything from you .. even when it comes to what is expected in a 'grown up ' relationship. These children are looking up to you both for guidance on how to become good well adjusted adults themselves .. THIS is not a healthy platform. You can do better than this.


You have to ask yourself ... You say you are still love him. My question to you then is ... Are you in love with HIM or are you in love with who you want him to be?

ginny1214

Thanks again for replies. In my responses I get I feel that I'm getting great responses from those who have been in my shoes before.
Of course I want my family to be a family again. Things were rocky, not too bad before the infidelity, but really spiraled out of control after that. I felt that I have done everything in my power to make this marriage work, and he hasn't put forth effort, or showed me that he wants things to be different. And to those who have not been in my shoes before, I don't want to knock what your saying, but when you have children, and are married, and there are hard times, sometimes you look past the person who you are with and who you want them to become, and try to make it work. I do believe that people have the capacity to change, as I know in just 5 weeks I have changed so much since being here, away from the situation. And like I said before, I didn't run off with my kids away from him, he wanted it.
Right now I will focus on myself and my children, as am why I am going to school, and losing weight to be healthy for them mentally and physically. I know he can change, but he has to WANT it first, and that I will not help him do. I will leave him be, and I will carry on with myself right now. We have had ups and downs, and I have had plenty of opportunities to be unfaithful as well, but you know I DIDNT take them, nor would I. Because I feel if you are unhappy in a relationship and another person comes along, then you need to end the first. I feel that every marriage and relationship is worth working on until you can honestly say I gave it my best. This I can't say for ours. We have NOT given it our best, but I can't make him change, and I can't make him decide what he wants to do in the long run, only he can. I love him and I care for him, and I love him for the person he IS, I don't know how anybody could love someone for the person they could be, I just wouldn't get that.
Now, on another note, I am not an idiot who is staying in an "abusive relationship". Things were not like this until the infidelity. He needs to decide what HE wants in life. I understand that. I always said if the route he chose was to give up and go, then that was his choice, and if he wanted to work things out, then that's what we would try to do. Now I don't tell him anything, I don't want to fight with him, or argue, it's a waste of my time and more importantly my emotions, and it gets us nowhere. But basically, I am doing what I have to do for myself and my children, and I have goals in life, and I am a great mom and love my kids, and he surprisingly is an excellent father. I have never doubted his love for our children.
I just wish it didn't have to be this way.

But thanks for all the private messages, and friend requests, and the helpful posts I really appreciate them, and am glad that I have someone to talk to, even if it's cyber and I don't know you It kind of makes it easier.

I forgot to add that I am not a "door mat", nor am I irresponsible. My kids are well taken care of, and I have educational and life goals for me and for them. Irresponsible, would be to be sitting on my *kitten* crying all day, not going to school, not being there for them.

ginny1214

Thank you

Hey everyone!

All the replies are definitely interesting to read people's takes on it all.

Basically what I have to say is this;
In no way am I acting like a victim. I feel that I had a part in this and that when we fought I was supposed to kiss *kitten* still. If he wanted to call me names, get upset with me, whatever the case may be, it was still MY responsibility to make him feel like a God. We go in spurts, really good, really bad, really good, really bad, and so forth. I participated in our fights. We had only one car, and if he wanted to meet up with someone I was stuck at home with the kids until he decided to come home. He would go out with friends until 5-6am and say it was ok because I would be asleep anyways. He would never even answer his phone if I called to make sure he was ok if I woke up at 3am and he wasn't home. He would tell me he doesn't have to check in with me, I'm not his mom, etc.
The respect from our relationship has been gone for awhile. Honestly. And it's heartbreaking. And me moving out here, he WANTED me to leave with the kids. Our lease ended and he wanted me to live with my parents out here, and he moved in with his mom, to "save" money, well then it turned into we were going to use this time until Dec as a break. Whatever. I've pretty much decided now that I am not going to try to work on our marriage, I will work on myself, and move on. Because he will always be the same person. I don't think he'll ever change. I don't think he wants to be with just me, when things get rocky he wants to be with another woman. He talks to one woman on the phone at all hours of the night, texts her, etc. I don't know why it's so hard for me, oh maybe it's because I love him and I have two children with him.
Basically, I'm going to get myself better, and if he wants to do the same then awesome, but I'm tired of all the relationship blame being put on me, I'm tired of feeling like a p.o.s. all the time because I didn't "say the right thing" or whatever it is! I honestly love him, and I could put this past us, but I can't if he isn't willing to take partial blame, and if he isn't willing to participate in making this better. I will definitely start counseling in the next few weeks, I'm going to find a church here, keep working out, going to school, and getting MY life on track, and maybe he'll see that and he will want to change for the better too. But even if we DO stay together, that has to be equal change on both our parts, and we have to be a team, not enemies, and he would have to make ME first in his life, not ANY other women, I don't care who it is.

You are 100% on the right track hun.

You should be very proud of yourself. I don't even know you...and I'm proud for you.

messyinthekitchen

That's no excuse and what a silly excuse for a man. I don't agree AT ALL with what his wife did to him. However he should have manned up and left her. Never ever is it the other persons fault. When you get married you say for better or for worse clearly he forgot that part. There were many steps he could have taken instead of cheating on his wife. And when you make the decisions to cheat you not only screw over the person you are with your screw your whole family over. People need to think twice before making these decisions. I could never respect my father again if he cheated on my mom regardless of their situation. It is the most hurtful thing you can do to someone you're supposed to love. And never is their an excuse for it.

I agree with you completely...as I've said, I've never cheated on anyone in my life, except ONE girlfriend back when I was 19 (and it was only 'technically' cheating...she said we were split up). It hurt me more than it hurt her (I lived with it for a long time before I told her). That lesson is one I'll never forget.

The one part I DON'T agree with, is this:

However he should have manned up and left her.

I'm sorry, under no circumstances is abandoning your family, breaking your home up, and putting your kids through that kind of hell acceptable to me. That's the ONLY thing worse than cheating in my book. If the problem is yours...handle it. If the problem is hers...you deal with it until SHE handles it. He screwed up, as a consequence of indecision, temptation, and probably some level of depression due to her treatment (it wasn't the big things...it was the constant stream of examples of how he wasn't good enough). That didn't make him a bad man...and his kids had many years of a strong male role model in their life due to his decision NOT to leave, even though he screwed up. He put up with years (and probably still is to be honest) of enforced guilt from his wife...who, had he left, I promise you...would never have found another man like him. I can also guarantee he's never had sex not one time since.

Pretty steep punishment for screwing up, in my opinion...particularly since he loved her enough to stick around and take care of her (she didn't work, and hasn't worked since all of us were in High School) to this day.

Now...I also want to quantify this with the statement that I understand and agree completely, that he is in the EXTREME minority. As I've said...there are very few men in this world I like...and even fewer I respect. I am on YOUR side in this...but I would defend this mans decisions with my blood...because not only is he human, and prone to mistakes...but he is one of the few men I know that took full punishment willingly, for the sake of his family.

I hope you can understand where I'm coming from here.

Oh no I agree with you 100%. And I think when there is children or no children you should exhaust all resources before leaving. I'm saying he should have used those resources (maybe he did though) before cheating. Because that damage can not be taken back. Infidelity is not a forgivable act in my books. I have a son and if was having problems with my partner, I would never let our relationship get to the point in where I would cheat. I'd do my damnedest to repair our love and if there wasn't anything left, then move on. Without hurting the other and the family. I was a little extreme in calling him a sorry excuse for a man as I don't know his life, I just really believe there is never an excuse for it you know. I hope they have both found happiness though. We only live once and it's saddens me when people live it unhappily.

SabrinaJL

So if my husband hurts my feelings and I eat 2 gallons of ice cream, can I blame that on him? How about if he pisses me off and I punch him in the throat? Is that his fault? I'm pretty sure the answer to both of those is no, so I'm gonna call bs on the idea that it can be the fault of the person that gets cheated on. Yes, our spouses do things that hurt/anger/frustrate/upset us, but how we react to them is our choice and ours alone.

livnlite

So if my husband hurts my feelings and I eat 2 gallons of ice cream, can I blame that on him? How about if he pisses me off and I punch him in the throat? Is that his fault? I'm pretty sure the answer to both of those is no, so I'm gonna call bs on the idea that it can be the fault of the person that gets cheated on. Yes, our spouses do things that hurt/anger/frustrate/upset us, but how we react to them is our choice and ours alone.

Exactly! I know if the roles were reversed and if a husband struck his wife in anger .. it would be termed as physical abuse in a heartbeat. What is the difference if a husband slaps or cheats because he's either pissed off or he's bored? Could the person that got slapped (or cheated on) possibly do anything that would justify THAT course of action? It's all about choice and how we choose to deal with a bad situation.

crisanderson27

So if my husband hurts my feelings and I eat 2 gallons of ice cream, can I blame that on him? How about if he pisses me off and I punch him in the throat? Is that his fault? I'm pretty sure the answer to both of those is no, so I'm gonna call bs on the idea that it can be the fault of the person that gets cheated on. Yes, our spouses do things that hurt/anger/frustrate/upset us, but how we react to them is our choice and ours alone.

Exactly! I know if the roles were reversed and if a husband struck his wife in anger .. it would be termed as physical abuse in a heartbeat. What is the difference if a husband slaps or cheats because he's either pissed off or he's bored? Could the person that got slapped (or cheated on) possibly do anything that would justify THAT course of action? It's all about choice and how we choose to deal with a bad situation.

I think you guys are seriously over exaggerating my point.

I never said it wasn't his choice. I said, that between the treatment he was receiving...and this wasn't for weeks or months...it was over the course of years...and the temptation on the other end, day in, day out...all the time...grass greener syndrome...etc, I can understand it.

I don't condone it...but I wouldn't burn HIM at the stake in particular for his decision.

Besides...his conscience did more damage than any punishment man...or yes, even woman...could dish out.

crisanderson27

Oh no I agree with you 100%. And I think when there is children or no children you should exhaust all resources before leaving. I'm saying he should have used those resources (maybe he did though) before cheating. Because that damage can not be taken back. Infidelity is not a forgivable act in my books. I have a son and if was having problems with my partner, I would never let our relationship get to the point in where I would cheat. I'd do my damnedest to repair our love and if there wasn't anything left, then move on. Without hurting the other and the family. I was a little extreme in calling him a sorry excuse for a man as I don't know his life, I just really believe there is never an excuse for it you know. I hope they have both found happiness though. We only live once and it's saddens me when people live it unhappily.

I am right with you.

For the last four or so years of the six and a half year relationship I was in...I was miserable. I was cheated on, lied to, hurt in ways that are pretty hard to go into detail on. I've got physical scars on my body from this time. I stuck with it...due to some severe emotional issues she had...but I never, ever...EVER considered cheating. She eventually cheated, and moved 800 miles away. I have our kids...it's still a mess.

And believe me, if ANYONE had an excuse for cheating...I did.

So again...I am on your side completely. I don't feel there's any excuse. I am also one that will talk about our problems until I'm blue in the face or they are worked out...and nothing would interfere with that. Even work would have to be put aside if it were a serious enough problem....so for me, yes...things would be solved or ended before cheating became an option anyhow.

And for the record...I knew my viewpoint wouldn't be interpreted directly as I meant it...but I'm glad I wasn't totally publically crucified before I could get a bit more of an explanation in lol.

livnlite

Pfffttt! What guy doesn't have temptations? I don't care if she was downright abusive by withholding sex, or making him feel completely inadequate .. THAT is grounds to leave .. NOT CHEAT!

Grounds for 'burning at the stake' .. No it isn't.. People make mistakes, and they can make up for those mistakes and even continue to lead healthy happy lives in the same marriage.

Seems like this guy does not feel like it was a mistake nor is he willing to make up for it. Our OP said he never even said he was sorry. She went on to say things were never the same, so, my guess is (and I could be completely wrong about this because I do not know HIS side of the story) he may very well NOT be sorry for making this mistake, or for hurting her and their family.

They both need to be able to start new .. with or without each other.

crisanderson27

Pfffttt! What guy doesn't have temptations? I don't care if she was downright abusive by withholding sex, or making him feel completely inadequate .. THAT is grounds to leave .. NOT CHEAT!

Grounds for 'burning at the stake' .. No it isn't.. People make mistakes, and they can make up for those mistakes and even continue to lead healthy happy lives in the same marriage.

Seems like this guy does not feel like it was a mistake nor is he willing to make up for it. Our OP said he never even said he was sorry. She went on to say things were never the same, so, my guess is (and I could be completely wrong about this because I do not know HIS side of the story) he may very well NOT be sorry for making this mistake, or for hurting her and their family.

They both need to be able to start new .. with or without each other.

Again, I agree lol. I said I didn't condone it, but I damn well understand it.

Also, I've talked with Ginny outside MFP. She's a great girl and it seems very much that she doesn't deserve what's going on. I've got a very clear (one sided) picture...and if it's an accurate one...she just needs to walk away.

It took me a long, long time to learn the lesson the poor thing is learning now.

That some things, you just can't fix.

livnlite

Yes, I'm afraid .. Sad but true.