Advice on ex, please

maillemaker

This just sounds like endless bad news. You've got someone who is toying with you to keep you coming back, probably because he can't bear to be alone and/or risk you moving on to better things. And to top it off, he has fathered a child with another woman.

Move on.

I_GoT_ThIs

Oh girl. I totally understand. I'm will tell you my story, then give my advice. So you can see where I'm coming from. I met my ex-husband( my daughters sperm donor) when I was 17 years old. We got married when I was 19. Divorced when I was 25. First time we split up, it was shortly after I had my daughter, He would dissapear for HOURS AND HOURS at a time, hide in the back of his friends truck so I wouldn't see him, and leave and go out, and i'm pretty sure he cheated on me but never admitted it. Then told me.. Well.. I just don't love you anymore. I just wanna do what I wanna do and I don't wanna have to answer to anybody but myself. So, I moved out, was completely heartbroken (don't know why, he treated me like crap) , so then about four months later, He came begging me to give him another shot. He promised that he would do better and that he couldn't live without me, blah blah. I fell for it. Let him back, and things were great for a couple of months, and them... all went back to normal. He was verbally abusive, would push me into walls, and just treated me like crap! But, I put up with it. So them, we split up again, he went out did his thing, played around, partied all the time, got that out of his system, then tried to come back AGAIN!! And... of coarse.. I LET HIM. the things we do for the ones we "love". so, put up with about another 6 months of his crap then finally kicked his *kitten* to the curb. Everytime we split up he gets his fun in and then try's to play the quilt card on me.. I love you and i can't live without you .. And he says this because he KNOWS it worked on me in the past. Truth is.. I don't think he did. At once.. Yes. We were in love. But we grew up into completely different people. I grew up and he just got older. So, he wan'ted the "comfort" of the relationship in strides. He didn't wanna have to start over. The thing is, If you have more bad times than good.. It's not worth it. Sometimes, you can't just "be friends" there's always that connection, and your always going to wonder "what if?". And if he's treating you like crap.. why let him? do you let your friends treat you like that? I understand we tend to "let" our exes treat us like that and just chalk it up to their feeling being hurt or what not... but you do NOT deserve that!!! Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do, but make sure you get treated how you DESERVE to be treated.

SusanRenee35

You need to treat yourself alot better then U have been. How can U even want to be friends with someone who treats you this way?
Would you want to or continue to be friends with him if he were a girl? prob not.
I was the same way with my ex while he treated me like pure **** & then realized whether we have kids or not he's a douche & I don't like anything about him so why do I want to be friends? The answer is I dont! I deserve better & wasn't going to allow myself to be treated that way any longer.
He is clearly keeping you under his wing until something better comes along in his eyes. He is clearly afraid of being alone & whenever other people dont work out he comes running back to his safety net that will always be there...You.
As the saying goes don't make someone a priority if you are only an option for them. You deserve a man who will love you & spoil you always & not play these immature games. He needs to do some serious growing up & You need to cut all ties & tell him to go work on himself.
Focus on you & your new life & forget about him
Best of luck!

Hoppymom

Please cut him off. If he contacts you again tell him you are done. You cannot be friends with him and that you will no longer accept communication from him. No phone. No facebook friends etc. Tell people he tries to send messages through, "NO." If he calls after that, hang up. He is all about how much power he can take from you. Take that power back and move on. Be strong. Good luck.

Hoppymom

Wow. What SusanRenee say is perfect.:flowerforyou:

La_Amazona

Honey, since 2008? Move on. He obviously has or tried to and when he screwed things up yet again, he knew you'd be there.

3 years have passed and because he has kept you in his drama, you are still in the same predictament as you were when ya'll first seperated. By now, you would had probably been over him and maybe truly happy with someone else who has respect for you.

Trust me, I know it's easier to say than to do, in my own life, I've been doing ALOT of thinking. It takes time to really figure stuff out. Take this time and figure it out. But you can't do it being dragged down by him and his drama.

CorrieV1976

So here is what I think, coming from an all time enabler and a lifetime of an abusive husband and an abusive boyfriend. I was married at 18 divorced at 23 -- 2 years later I found the most abusive boyfriend I could find and stayed with him very un happily and very hurt for 7 long years. I know that it feels good to ask the question to see what people think but lets face it.....nothing people say to you is going to make up your mind. Only you will make that decision, only you and your mind with decide when you have had enough. I am not cutting you up, I've been there, I've had the black eyes, the front window in my house and I had a great break through relationship, I had the clumps of my hair falling out of my head days after a fight......trust me I have been there, and nothing anyone said ever changed my mind. What you need to do and what you are going to do are different things and no matter what anyone on here says or expresses is not going to change that unfortunately. He is no good for you and being friends is harmful to you but you need to come to that conclusion.

I have finally found someone that cares about me and treats me right but it took a long time to get there and counseling as well. I found a church that provided free counseling and have reinvented myself.

Good luck to you, just remember you are strong , smart and beautiful and there is someone in this world that will see it and treat you the way you need/deserve to be treated, being put down or fighting with someone every day is not normal and shouldnt be normal or feel normal.

It saddens me because i was there. Honestly , I will be thinking about you and I hope that you can finally say that you deserve better

rml_16

Get the creep out of your life.

SusanRenee35

And remember: the ocean out there is huge & there are plenty of fish (men) who would love to have a great girl like you to share their life with. You can be so so soooo happy with someone who is serious about life & love & wake up everyday feeling like you are in heaven with the love of your life & soul mate.

I made the choice to leave almost 2 yrs ago. It was hard but I finally decided life is too short & I deserve better & took the plunge.
Now I wake up everyday to face the man that makes me happier then I have ever been. He makes everyday feel like christmas & like I am in heaven. You can have that too! Best of luck! YOU CAN DO THIS!

If you'd like to add me as a friend I'd be more then happy to support you thru this

chocolateandvodka

cutting him off would do wonderful things for your stress level, blood pressure and all around quality of life.

just sayin.

CrazyDaisysMommy

I guess the question is, if all this was happening to your best friend or sister, what would you say to her? You're a beautiful woman and you deserve a life full of happiness! Does his "friendship" really add to your happiness or does it drain it? What joys are you missing out on if you keep him around? Just because you've been through things with another person, doesn't mean that you are shackled to them forever. Here's the best advice I've ever received: If you allow toxic people into your life, you will always be surrounded by negativity and drama. If you purge your life of people who are not interested in helping you be the best person you can be emotionally, physically, and spiritually, then you will be creating a space for positive, supportive, and nurturing people to come into your life. It works. I swear! It took me a few years, but now everyone in my life is a gift and I feel cherished every single day. It took about 35 years for me to get to this place, but it's worth it.

missduffbug

Everyone has said it already but cut all contact, move on with your life, find someone who will give you everything you need and want.
Dont make him a priority if you are just an option in his.
I went through the same with my ex and it took me getting hurt over and over and over and over (you get the picture) for me to be hurt enough to decicde that I did love myself more than I loved him.

You sound like you are trying to justify it to yourself - the fact that he has been through a lot and had someone close to him pass away - but turn it around - would he be there for you in the same way and capacity if it were you going through stuff?
He had no respect in the first place as he cheated. People who cheat are people I despise. It's uneccessary and it effing hurts.

You need to think about YOU. Sod him my lovely. YOU deserve better and you need to start believing that.
I understand it's not easy - it hurts and there are probably memories everywhere but take it a day at a time.
If it were your friend telling you this - you know what you would be saying to her!! Hard to take your own advice sometimes i know.

But seriously, you deserve better and you need to believe that. If you dont know your self worth - you will allow him to keep crapping all over you and you won't ever be free of it. You need to allow yourself to believe that you can find someone 100000 times better than him!!

YOU are most important and screw him basically xxxxx

FearAnLoathing

Drop his *kitten* you dont deserve to be treated like that,and he will continue to treat you like crap as long as you let him.Drop his *kitten* and move on.

sunkisses

Wash your hands finally, and quit being a doormat. You're not a victim. Pick yourself up and get on with your life. As it stands now, you're sacrificing too much of yourself for someone else. And look what you're getting out of it. You've wasted enough of your years with this guy. Is this REALLY how you want to spend the rest of your life? Seriously? Things like this do NOT get better. You're totally lying to yourself if you think they do.

CharlieBarleyMom

Run. Same situation with my ex-husband. No cheating though... no babies... just the back and forth and the "be with me" "get away from me" situation...

Bottom line, after we were finally DONE, he told me the truth "the chase is what turns him on, once he catches the prey, it's no fun"

Get out! Get out! Get out!

That is abuse and you are enabling your own pain.

kk0223

Run. Same situation with my ex-husband. No cheating though... no babies... just the back and forth and the "be with me" "get away from me" situation...

Bottom line, after we were finally DONE, he told me the truth "the chase is what turns him on, once he catches the prey, it's no fun"

Get out! Get out! Get out!

That is abuse and you are enabling your own pain.

That's disgusting. MEN ARE SUCH DOGS. Thank you.

jbeauchamp1

He says he does not care if you cut him off as a form of manipulation and control. He knows what will get you and he also knows you are emotionally dependent on him and he is taking advantage of that. I have been right where you are with my husband and it took me finally loving myself enough to say enough is enough. I am still married to him but it took me saying I will not be treated this way, I will not put up with your manipulation and I am strong enough to do it without you to wake him up. I kept going on with my life with or without him and that scared him because he knew I was serious.

I am not saying all of this to say you should stay with him. Mine just ended up working out that way but it sounds like he has been dragging you along for a long time. It is time for you to stand up for yourself and love yourself enough to know that you deserve so much better. Don't let your insecurity hold you back like it did me for so long. You have already faced the hardest part by seperating and getting a divorce now all you need to do is cut him off. If things are meant to be he will get his life in order, get counseling for his issues and be the man he should have been a long time ago. Stop giving him the option to have you on the side. Be strong girl you can do it and there is a great man waiting just for you but make sure you are not so blinded by this old relationship that you miss out on him.

kk0223

I GREATLY appreciate allllll of these messages. I wasn't expecting this at all and ALL of them are pretty much the same. I promise all of you I just told him to just leave me alone because he's too much negativitiy in my life. He said "Ok, I will respect. Bye".

Respect? Really? Yeah, I will slowly but surely get better. I have been separated from him for 3 years but everytime he has asked me back it's like it starts over. He even gets mad at me if he finds out I'm talking to someone and makes me feel guilty.

I'm done with it. I will make it an effort to make myself happy from today on out. No worries. I can't remember who said it because I was reading SO MANY RESPONSES but someone said if I was in the same situation as him would he be here for me? I honestly can't answer that because I don't know. Which is not a good enough answer to myself because I wish I could just say yes, he would be.

He's selfish. Always has been.

Thank you all so much for reading my post and answering my questions. It helped A LOT.

Thanks
-KK

percussionbeat

Get far, far away from him.
He's not going to do you any favours at all, and just look at his track record. In this case, I'd safely say that past performance is a sure indicator of future returns; the guy's just messed up and he's messing you up too, and you definitely don't deserve that. You've worked hard to get to where you are, a strong woman who knows exactly what she's looking for. You're not going to find it in him. Save yourself and get the happiness you deserve.

percussionbeat

Whoops, sorry dear, didn't know you'd concluded this thread..anyway just want to wish you the best of luck in moving on Know that you've got supporters right here. Take good care girl *hug*

kk0223

Whoops, sorry dear, didn't know you'd concluded this thread..anyway just want to wish you the best of luck in moving on Know that you've got supporters right here. Take good care girl *hug*

I wasn't responding to everyone so that the thread was done! I appreciate your advice. Thank you.

JENNIFERTOPS

If you had read this on a post what advice would you give that person? Would you tell them to keep him around or to stay away from that man that treated you like that?

Do you think you are not worth having a good man that treats you the way you want to be treated?

H_Factor

assuming you don't have kids together, you should have dumped the lines of communication a long time ago. Why are you someone else's whipping girl? Why are you letting him play games with you? Move on with your life and find someone who isn't a debbie downer.

Besides, the fact that he isn't doing didly squat with his own kid ought to tell you everything you need to know about his character. he's a bum who has no problem shirking responsibilities and relationships. (and, seriously, don't blame it on the kid's mother...I'm a family law attorney and I know if your ex wanted to be in his kid's life, he could be).

kk0223

If you had read this on a post what advice would you give that person? Would you tell them to keep him around or to stay away from that man that treated you like that?

Do you think you are not worth having a good man that treats you the way you want to be treated?

I know what I would say but at the same time I feel like a lot is easier said than done. That's why I'm asking and wanting to hear what other people say about the situation.

I am asking basically if I should even be friends. I know we won't be anymore than that. I don't even want to be with him. He's 600 miles away anyways. Just feel like losing him 100% is a waste of 8 years of friendship/relationship.

jnettiedotson

If you had read this on a post what advice would you give that person? Would you tell them to keep him around or to stay away from that man that treated you like that?

Do you think you are not worth having a good man that treats you the way you want to be treated?

I know what I would say but at the same time I feel like a lot is easier said than done. That's why I'm asking and wanting to hear what other people say about the situation.

I am asking basically if I should even be friends. I know we won't be anymore than that. I don't even want to be with him. He's 600 miles away anyways. Just feel like losing him 100% is a waste of 8 years of friendship/relationship.

Never look at your past as a waste, especially if it's caused you pain! Look at it as a lesson learned, and a guideline of what NOT to do. There's not really a true friendship here, and I think you know that. You have to figure out what you're really holding onto. I think you need to work on you, and someday (soon) you'll realize that you don't need that feeling of him still holding on to you anymore. Let him go, and let him let you go.

H_Factor

I am asking basically if I should even be friends. I know we won't be anymore than that. I don't even want to be with him. He's 600 miles away anyways. Just feel like losing him 100% is a waste of 8 years of friendship/relationship.

So you're thinking about staying friends with him just to justify, in some way, 8 years of your life? My guess if you kept him around for 8 years because you wanted to justify first 3 years, then 4 years, then ... you get the picture. If I'm right, you can see that in the end, he was still the same turd/deadbeat dad that you probably considered dumping years earlier. Don't worry about justifying the past...worry instead about wasting even a minute more of your future with him (in any capacity).

kk0223

I am asking basically if I should even be friends. I know we won't be anymore than that. I don't even want to be with him. He's 600 miles away anyways. Just feel like losing him 100% is a waste of 8 years of friendship/relationship.

So you're thinking about staying friends with him just to justify, in some way, 8 years of your life? My guess if you kept him around for 8 years because you wanted to justify first 3 years, then 4 years, then ... you get the picture. If I'm right, you can see that in the end, he was still the same turd/deadbeat dad that you probably considered dumping years earlier. Don't worry about justifying the past...worry instead about wasting even a minute more of your future with him (in any capacity).

True. Thanks. I guess it's useless to hold on to the past when I'm losing my future by doing that, huh?

voluptas63

How can you even be asking this question? Have a little respect for yourself. Get rid of him.

geri1955

Honey now honey, Do you have to be hit with a ton of bricks ! you gave him a divorce , you gave him his walking papers and your still putting up with his crappy attitude!!! He will bring you down!! Get on with your life!! no-one needs a friend who belittles them! You teach a person how to treat you and you surely enable this clown! you asked for advice I'm giviing it to you!! Hes obvious not a good man nor a good friend!!! Dont be his doormat!!!! one day you will look back at this and laugh!! geri

luvnlife6

child please! move on. you can have other life experiences with someone else. why even be friends with him? for what purpose? i wouldn't waste my life. Life is too good living than to be with someone who mistreats you. MOVE ON!!!