Advice on ex, please

MinnieInMaine

One of my best friends had a boyfriend like this for years and finally realized that she's worth more. I'm glad you're heading in that direction too!! It's one thing to give someone a 2nd chance but that's the limit...if they keep breaking promises and treating you like a 2nd rate citizen, it's time to realize you are so not worth that, no matther how much you care for him.

And I get it too, I had a boyfriend in high school who was dating me and another girl at the same time. I was totally obsessed with him and so I allowed that but finally came to the point where I made him choose - and of course he chose her. I was heartbroken for a while but looking back, I'm glad it happened that way!

Anyway, as far as justifiying your history - PLEASE, if nothing else, LEARN from this experience. Once you get back on the dating scene, be very conscious of the same signals from other guys and drop them like hot potatoes as soon as you see what's to come. There are a lot of good guys out there but I have to say this becuase I've seen friends who are just drawn to the same type over and over and have a hard time breaking the cycle.

Please realize that you're so much better than all that and deserve to be treated with utmost respect!!

1FineFaye84

Sweetie, it seems like you already know what to do. Think of him as an addiction that you need to kick. It's difficult, and it hurts, but he wont make things better--only worse. Keep your head up! We are here for your support!

NicolePatriot

Girl, you know what you must do! Don't let him control you any longer. Sounds like 7 years was enough. And trust me, once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. I was with my ex-fiance for 8 years and he cheated, and cheated...and then I was through. It will HURT but just surround yourself with your family and friends and it'll lessen some of the pain/burden. You are strong and YOU DESERVE BETTER!

swordsmith

Grats on giving him his real walking papers! :drinker:

Just dont give in if he calls you or contacts you. I can almost guarantee that his "I'll respect that, Bye" is BS- he hasnt respected you yet! Instead I can see him waiting a week or two then calling you with some sort of "emergency" to drag you back into his life.

If he does just hang up! Dont be pulled into his attempt to control you - keep your power and take it back from him. And dont give into any whining, beotching, or threats (to himself or others)- as soon as you hear his voice hang up or if you feel kind say that you are going out and cant talk then hang up (I dont recommend the latter as it gives him hope that he can suck you back in)

But stay strong, dont give in and dont look at it as losing a freindship so much as detaching an emotional vampire from your life!

And not all men are dogs... some of us are more like puppies... or hamsters....

0PhAtDaDdY

I stopped reading your post after the first paragraph I did not feel I needed to read any further.

He is a LOSER!! Move ON.

12by311

I asked him if he even wants to remain friends and be in each others lives as friends. His response "It doesn't matter to me."

I know if I say I want to remain friends he will do it. If I say no I don't want to remain friends he will say ok. So, what do I do?

I think you know what's best.

One of my biggest pet peeves (I teach high schoolers, so I see it a lot) is that women are always asking men, "Well....do you want to be with me?"...."Do you want her or me?"....."Do you even care about me?"

Why do we have to wait on them to make a decision? If he (any man) wants you in his life, he will make sure you are in it. Otherwise, he's saying all he needs to say by his actions.

stephanie012000

You are his security blanket. The only way to break the habit of him is to cut out cold turkey. Take the blanket away and he'll either learn to live without it or find another security person. You need to put yourself first and cut ties with him. There's a much better guy out there for you, and God will bring you to him. Stay strong!

kk0223

How can you even be asking this question? Have a little respect for yourself. Get rid of him.

I have respect for myself? I just wasn't sure if friends should be an option.

kk0223

Grats on giving him his real walking papers! :drinker:

Just dont give in if he calls you or contacts you. I can almost guarantee that his "I'll respect that, Bye" is BS- he hasnt respected you yet! Instead I can see him waiting a week or two then calling you with some sort of "emergency" to drag you back into his life.

If he does just hang up! Dont be pulled into his attempt to control you - keep your power and take it back from him. And dont give into any whining, beotching, or threats (to himself or others)- as soon as you hear his voice hang up or if you feel kind say that you are going out and cant talk then hang up (I dont recommend the latter as it gives him hope that he can suck you back in)

But stay strong, dont give in and dont look at it as losing a freindship so much as detaching an emotional vampire from your life!

And not all men are dogs... some of us are more like puppies... or hamsters....

lol Thanks I am sorry for the "men are such dogs" comment...how about "my ex is such a dog". lol

kk0223

Thanks, everyone. After hearing the same things from family, friends, and people that don't even know me it really helps and I do realize what I need to do. I will handle him.

MARI1010

I just had to comment on this. Everyone's given you some great advice. I've also been in a totally disfuctional and emotionally draining relationship for over 5 years. In my case we were co workers and we developed a huge bond there. Also he was MARRIED!!! He wasnt when we first met but married someone he was seeing for a little bit and she lied to him and told him she was pregnant. I was in a relationship when we first met so even though i was attracted to him and liked him i was commited to my relationship. He was aways there for me as emotional support and that made me fall for him even though he was MARRIED. He promised time and time again that he was getting an annulment since he was tricked into marriage and wasnt in love with her. Basically these promises never became reality. He was living a double life. And i was so in love with him that i settled for being the other one. Everytime i tried to cut of all ties he would beg and plead and even cry for me to hold on just a little longer. With the promise that soon enough we would be together for ever. Years were passing by i ended up getting pregnant by this guy and he was now worried of what his WIFE and family would think of this. I very painfully choose not to have the child. Something that haunts til this day. But he didnt give me the support i needed. It didnt end there though. This "relationship" caused me the worst depression and anxiety of all times. I was a mess at work, a mess at home. I was at the point qwhere i was even considering suicide. Everytime i would cut him off he'd say everything i wanted to hear and i was too weak and to blinded to not see past it. He lied to me over and over. Finally after about 4 yrs of this his wife became pregnant and i nearly died. This extremely painful. He still managed to promise we'd still be together, I somehow dont know how grew a pair and secretly started looking for another job. I didnt mention it to him so he wouldnt convince me not to. I let him know the day before my last at work. I made sure i made a clean break and i would turn my back on him after all he put me through instead of sitting there until the day he did. It was beyond difficult and everytime i felt the urge to call him or seeing him i would go and talk to a friend instead. I drove them absolutely insane with it but it got me by. Time passed by i met other people and realized he wasnt all that. He still calls me every once in a while. I now find him extremely sad and pathetic. Hes still trying to cheat on his wife. But thank God i find him gross now. The last time he called me i turned around and called his wife and told her everything to make sure he'd see i was seriously not interested at all. i understand and have been there. When youre in the middle of that pain you cant imagine yourself ever getting passed it or being over him. But like they say you hve to give it time. You have to be the strong one and not to prove him wrong but for your own sanity and pride get away from him. You should move back home. Cut the communication little by little. I did things slowly but stuck with it and thats what worked for me.

Hope this helps. I wish you the best. Just realize he feels down and tries to bring you down with him. Youre the only person that gives him power. And he knows hes got you wrapped around his finger. He will continue to do this as long as you let him and stick around. Theres no turning back or getting better for this relationship. You WILL at one point not even want a friendship with him. But you have to take the small steps to get there.

Rhodygarden

You need a break from him that even moving states away did not give you.

Give yourself some time - say 6 months with no contact to him, no matter what. Use that time to focus on yourself and your needs. Once that time is over, you can make the decision on whether or not you want him in your life. My guess is, you will be so much happier with out him that the thought of bringing a negative energy and influence back into your life will be laughable.

Even if you have decided to bring him back into your life, I am hoping that your time without him will give you the self confidence and own reassurance that will demand the respect you deserve from him that you obviously are not getting now.

Good luck with your decision!

Very well Said! And good advise - after 6 months - you should feel ready to move on and be so much happier.

i_love_vinegar

i was in a horrible relationship for nearly 3 years. <.< I am pretty certain my ex had mental health issues...

he was very nice when i met him, but as i came to learn, people don't usually show their true colors until 6 months to a year...

there were many times I was suspicious of him, but he lied his way out. The red flags were everywhere, but I ignored them. The first time I met him, he told me he was majoring in Engineering. Lie. He hadn't even applied to the program...or finished his OTHER degree. Lied about hiding his cigarettes in his pocket to cover for his father. Lied about his interests, thoughts, etc...

It got worst and worst. He would ditch me for dates, lie about parties, and eventually ended up showing ALL of his true colors. He would cuss out our roommates for using the shower "too long," and talked behind EVERY single one of his friends back. And his families. And mine. And even his professors.

He slowly became enamored with alcohol and cigarettes and who-knows-what-else...He would go on these bizarre tangents about how he would become famous for playing video games. He would speak to himself and start laughing to himself in public..

He wouldn't shower, brush his teeth, and would pee in bottles and cans instead of using the toilet (10 feet away)...he began bribing people for favors, and screaming at me on a regular basis. Then pushing, then yanking, then beating up my pet bird...

We decided to remain friends in the end. Because I felt guilty because "when he was nice, he was nice." He would start cussing me out constantly. I would forgive him. He would do it again. Every time. Just like how your ex is doing the same thing to you with the 3 day thing.

I finally stopped communicating with him, because I realized, "If he were always mean, I would never have stayed in the first place." He was dysfunctional and selfish. It was difficult at first, but I feel SOOO much better without him in my life, even as a friend!!!
I highly recommend you let go, and give yourself time to heal and realize what a douche he was.

YOU CANT FIX PEOPLE, YOU CANT CHANGE THEM. If you EVER expect, "well, maybe he won't call and cancel in 3 days," then you are hoping he will change. And you will be disappointed. You are setting yourself up for pain if you continue dealing with this dysfunctional, life-sucking person. Think of him like a piece of blueberry pie. You hate blueberries (in this situation), but you are hoping the blueberry pie will one day taste like raspberry pie (you love raspberries). So, everyday you go to Marie Calendars and order a slice of blueberry pie. Every time you feel disappointed, and every week you gain an extra pound.

That is your relationship with this "man." Your expectations (I'm guessing, not trying to offend because I've been there ^^) are for him to react like a kind and honest person. But he's not kind, and he's not honest. And every time he breaks your hopes, you feel hurt. And every time you allow this to happen, he wastes another day in your life, and he breaks your trust and happiness.

In a lot of abusive relationships, the abuser acclimates his partner overtime to the abuse. Maybe you don't even realize how bad it really is, because you are used to this behavior growing worst and worst. Let me ask you this, if a stranger continually wasted your time, lied to you, and hurt you...would you be as forgiving? Just because he was in your life for a long time doesn't mean he deserves to continue on in your life. There are sooo many people out there who wouldn't hurt you like your selfish ex. He's selfish because all he thinks about himself.

I can say for myself, I am 100 times happier without my ex even being my "friend." Good luck!

ps: Wanted to add, my ex was in his late 20's (older than me), and started dating me when I was in high school, another red flag <.< Also, he never had his own place -- he coached surfed his entire life. Oh, and he tried convincing me he "had changed." Just incase your ex tries convincing you. After putting on an act, I knew the trust was completely crushed and broke it off. He had been so sweet, apologized for everything he had done and told me he was sorry he was abusive. He apologized daily for everything he had done to me for 2 years...When I broke up with him, he left quietly for the first time ever (he used to scream, throw things, and break my stuff if I mentioned breaking up).

After the break up, he switched into his old self...he denied ever being abusive, he denied everything he had ever done and went as far as to lie to multiple people about me. He harassed me for 2 weeks, pretending he missed me, and a girl kept trying to sleep with him. It went so far one night I kept getting phone calls of him pretending to have sex with this "girl." He made me feel guilty for not being there for his mom...who I loved, but him and his entire family treated like a slave. If your ex claims to have changed, just wait. Because he probably hasn't.