Got jokes?
Driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection." "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "About a gallon."
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Replies
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LMFAO! Good one! I'll post one shortly0
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Awesome! That was great!0
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I was having sex with a woman across the kitchen table when suddenly we hear someone pull in the driveway. The woman says, " It's my husband, try the back door!" In retrospect, I should have run, but you don't get those invitations very often.:noway: :bigsmile:0
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Hilarious. Love it.0
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I'm bored. Doesn't anyone else have jokes?0
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Mines rude so I apologise in advance....
A man was at home one day when a window cleaner knocked on his door.
"good morning, would you like your windows cleaning" said the cleaner.
The guy looks up and says "yes sure, how much" "A fiver, but I have to and do your neighbours first I will be back before the end of the day."
"No problem replies the man"
THe window cleaner leaves and then the man goes about his daily business, he sits in his bedroom and decides to watch a adult film,next thing you know the man decides its time to pleasure himself, the moment he is in full swing he looks up and sees the window cleaner. The man jumps up, runs down the stairs and is very embarrased. Eventually the window cleaner knocks on the door for his money.
The man opens the door and turns to the cleaner and says
" Listen mate I am so embarrassed, how much for you to keep quiet"
The window cleaner replies £50 and I'll say nowt.
They exchange money and the man closes the door.
That evening as the man is on his drive his neighbour comes home, looks up at the mans windows and says 'your windows are clean, how much did they cost you.'
The man replies £50 through gritted teeth.
The neighbours says bloody hell mate, they saw you coming!
To which the man screams THE BA5T4RD HE SAID HE WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING!0 -
Two blondes walked into a building.....
You would have thought that at least one of them saw it........
:happy:0 -
it!!! 0 -
great jokes0
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Two fish swim into a wall. One fish says to the other fish, 'dam!'.0
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i was taking a walk through a cemetary and i saw a guy crouching at a toombstone.
i called out "MORNING"
he said "NO, JUST TAKING A CRAP"0 -
i was taking a walk through a cemetary and i saw a guy crouching at a toombstone.
i called out "MORNING"
he said "NO, JUST TAKING A CRAP"
Winner, Winner, chicken dinner!:drinker:0 -
I desperately wanted to have sex with a hot girl here at the office. I finally got up the nerve to ask if she'd be interested. She told me, "No, I have a boyfriend". I told her that I didn't care, I would pay her $100. She still said, "No Way!" I told her I would be real quick. If she would pull her pants down then I would throw the money on the floor. I would be finished before she picked the money up. She calls her boyfriend and told him about my proposal. He told her, " Tell him he has a deal, but for $200". He then told her to be really quick and she would have the money picked up before I could even get my pants down. 45 minutes later he calls her back and said, "What the hell is going on?" She answered him in a flustered, out of breath voice, "That SOB had all quarters!":blushing: :bigsmile: :noway:0
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On a postmans last day of work he arrived at one of his many houses to deliver the mail. The women opened the door with nothing on but a smile. She invited him and they had the best sex of his life. After they were done she cooked him breakfast. While eating he asked her why the great gift. Her response was I asked my husband what we should for you and he said, ' F him, give him $5, The breakfast part was my idea":0
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Pretty good.0
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A man walked into a bar where he saw a large glass jar filled with $5 bills. He asked the bartender what is up with the money in the jar. The bartender said they were having a contest, and the winner takes all the cash. The man asked what kind of contest it was, but the bartender replied that the money had to be paid first. The can complied and asked again. The bartender said it was a 3 part contest. Part one: drink a whole bottle of pepper tequila without stopping or making a face. Part two: There was a pitbull outside that needed an abscessed tooth pulled. Part three: There was a ninety year old woman who hadn't had an orgasim in 40 years that you had to give one to.
After a couple of drinks the man said, WTF!, I'm gonna give it a do. He grabs the bottle of tequilla and starts to down it. Tears are rolling down his face, but he doesn't make a single expression. Clearly drunk, the man stumples outside to the pitbull. Minutes later you could hear him scream & the dog growling & barking loudly. After a few more minutes, the man returns to the bar, clothes ripped to shredds and blood covering his entire body. He yells at the bartender, "Where is that damn old woman with the abscessed tooth?:laugh:0 -
The emergency services were called to an incident on the London Underground, passengers stuck to the floor, widows and roof of the carriage it was the first NO-MORE-NAILS terrorist bomb attack :laugh:0
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Okay I just spit out my water!!!!!!!!!!A man walked into a bar where he saw a large glass jar filled with $5 bills. He asked the bartender what is up with the money in the jar. The bartender said they were having a contest, and the winner takes all the cash. The man asked what kind of contest it was, but the bartender replied that the money had to be paid first. The can complied and asked again. The bartender said it was a 3 part contest. Part one: drink a whole bottle of pepper tequila without stopping or making a face. Part two: There was a pitbull outside that needed an abscessed tooth pulled. Part three: There was a ninety year old woman who hadn't had an orgasim in 40 years that you had to give one to.
After a couple of drinks the man said, WTF!, I'm gonna give it a do. He grabs the bottle of tequilla and starts to down it. Tears are rolling down his face, but he doesn't make a single expression. Clearly drunk, the man stumples outside to the pitbull. Minutes later you could hear him scream & the dog growling & barking loudly. After a few more minutes, the man returns to the bar, clothes ripped to shredds and blood covering his entire body. He yells at the bartender, "Where is that damn old woman with the abscessed tooth?:laugh:0 -
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your johnson is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."0
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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"0
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What do rednecks call duct tape?
Chrome.
What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?
On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin. A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody is fixin' to lose them a house trailer.
Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under are not admitted.
What do you get when you have 32 Arkansasians in the same room?
A full set of teeth.
Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Arkansas burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple gets a divorce they're still brother and sister.
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A documentary.
What do they call it in Kentucky?
"Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half shell.0 -
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said,
"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."
And at that point, the proctologist fainted.0 -
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.0 -
2 men in a bar one man turns to the other and asks,"Tell me, why do you keep pouring beer into your hand?" The other man replies,"I'm getting my date drunk."0
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A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you're in."
So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader--a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? I can't seem to find this in your file. When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."0 -
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
LMFAO! Awesome!:devil:0 -
ok people, i got a lot coming.
i will post a batch each day.......
batch 1
Two birds are sitting on a perch. One birds says to the other "do you smell fish"?
A man walks into a seafood shop with a snapper under his arm. He says to the bloke behind the counter "do you make fish cakes?"
The bloke replies "of course".
To which the man says "good 'cause it's his birthday".
A fish swims into a wall. He says "DAMN!"
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll drive, you man the guns!"
What do you do if a bird ****s on your car window? You don't take her out again
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"
Two aerials got married... the ceremony was terrible but the reception was brilliant...0 -
batch 2
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
Two Monkeys are in a bath.
1st monkey says: Ooh ooh aah ahh
2nd monkey says: Put some cold water in, Kevin
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
Q: What's E.T. short for?
A: Because he has little legs!
and the best of the batch for last
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."0 -
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."0 -
This one's extremely corny, so I ask for forgiveness in advance:
Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid.
It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.
The Trids were a very sexual people, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.
The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn't stand the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.The Trids were a very depressed people.
One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite their overcrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous to this man of God.
The Rabbi decided to return the favor, and to go plead the Trid's case to the Giant. "Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you," the Rabbi explained.
The Trids were horrified. "Please don't go, Rabbi", the Trids implored. "The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown."
The Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant. The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.
The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant.
He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.
He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.
Finally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked "Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?"
And the Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"0
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