why does the guy get to decide???

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  • Aegelis
    Aegelis Posts: 237 Member
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    I'll answwer this tomorrow. I gotta check with my wife tonight and see what my opinion is.

    I wish there were a 'standing ovation' button because I would press it on your post. THAT, my friends, is love.
  • Aegelis
    Aegelis Posts: 237 Member
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    No, the guy doesn't get to decide. He should respectfully express his opinion once or twice and then he should shut up (unless there is serious concern about his spouses health).

    I'm a fan of this rule so long as the man is informed that this is the rule. It's so hard trying to remember all the unexpressed laws.
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
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    I think the intent behind his statement is important here. If he truly thinks she'd be at an unhealthy weight for her, or that she's going about her weight loss in an unhealthy manner, then the intent is good. If he's the insecure type who doesn't want her to look good because of his own insecureties, then it's his issue. The way in which his opinion is shared would also be a factor.

    Looking forward to see how RoadDog's wife allows him to answer. :smile:
  • BattyMama
    BattyMama Posts: 136 Member
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    my hubby says it's so he runs less of a chance of getting arrested for kicking some guys butt for looking at me then making the mistake of thinking he had the right to touch me. I say let him make the mistake then when I kick his butt in front of his friends he has to deal with the fact that a hot *kitten* woman just whooped his back side cause he cant listen to her when she says that hes wasting his breath and that if he want to walk out to back off and let her be.
  • Sh1tsRainbows
    Sh1tsRainbows Posts: 1,227 Member
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    Ever think he is insecure? Men that are insecure do not want you to look your best because they fear they might loose you. Thats been my experience.

    i believe thats my situation..ive alway been pretty big since ive been w my bf and hes big too...so if i get thin he might think ill go look for someone hotter than him...which is totallly NOT true..just how he sees himself not how i see him..or how he sees me..because he did mention he like my smaller a** :blushing:
  • SarabellPlus3
    SarabellPlus3 Posts: 496 Member
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    I'll answwer this tomorrow. I gotta check with my wife tonight and see what my opinion is.
    LOLOLOL! I try not to let that be true, but it is funny!

    I agree that we have to think about intent here, especially knowing that we can sometimes be hard to understand, as women. Is he tryng to make you feel good, or is he trying to make you feel bad? Don't be that woman who claims "but love, love, love!" when a man is treating you with everything but love, find someone else if he's treating you like that. But also don't be that woman that makes a mountain out of a molehill, or doesn't want your man to have an opinion or mind of his own, or be afraid to talk about it.
  • bcattoes
    bcattoes Posts: 17,299 Member
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    I'll answwer this tomorrow. I gotta check with my wife tonight and see what my opinion is.

    Good boy. :wink:
  • Rae6503
    Rae6503 Posts: 6,294 Member
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    No, the guy doesn't get to decide. He should respectfully express his opinion once or twice and then he should shut up (unless there is serious concern about his spouses health).

    I'm a fan of this rule so long as the man is informed that this is the rule. It's so hard trying to remember all the unexpressed laws.

    Ya know, as I get older, I have NO problems informing my husband of the "rules". BUt yes, when I was younger I expected men to read my mind and got angry when they couldn't.
  • dancer4275
    dancer4275 Posts: 149
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    I've really enjoyed hearing the different perspectives on this topic.

    I certainly wasn't trying to state that the men should not have an opinion. I know that we all have preferances of what we think others should look like...or we have traits that we like or dislike in others.

    I'm actually 5'8" and 135. I feel fine and healthy where I'm at. However, I'm not "happy" with my weight.

    I have no problem with the man stating his opinion. What I don't like is that the woman takes it and denies what she wants in herself. Is this making sense? haha!

    He says I look great the way I am. Do I take his opinion or not?
  • wolf23
    wolf23 Posts: 4,178 Member
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    I'll answwer this tomorrow. I gotta check with my wife tonight and see what my opinion is.

    This ^

    Sometimes...I feel for the husbands. They are damned if they say something and they are damned if they don't. As a married lady for over 25 years I can attest that I am sometimes guilty of this. I ask for his opinion and if it is not what I want to hear, I dismiss it or rationalize to him why I think "his" opinion is wrong. Now seeing I have such a reasonable/smart guy, who has put up with me for this long, he has learned how to play the game and now according to him I always look great :laugh: !
  • DannyMussels
    DannyMussels Posts: 1,842 Member
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    Some girls (men too) have skewed visions of what they should look like, in which case, it's reasonable for a concerned friend or partner to step in and object.

    For the most part, I think comments like 'youll be so skinny' or 'youre fine the way you are' are simply meant to comfort the person, who's clearly unhappy with how they feel they look.

    I think once people lose a fair amount of weight, they view it completely different then an outside individual, as they look in the mirror and see not only how they DO look, but how they DID, and how they COULD look. Differences might only be minor, but I think the memories, stress and other problems with being overweight really play on someones mind when they see themselves, and they always wanna push themselves a little harder and further in search of perfection. Outside people don't see it that way, and may take it for obsession, or something else negative.

    It could be bad, or it could be good, I think if everyone could see it from the said individuals eyes, they'd know how they REALLY see themselves, and it isn't always just 'how do i look in the mirror'

    Either way, some input from friends,relatives or partners is better then none. 9/10 I'd like to think they're supportive or give 'you look fine's even if they dont mean it. In general they're all trying to help. (unless they're rude or controlling about it).
  • suzycreamcheese
    suzycreamcheese Posts: 1,766 Member
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    i dont think its particularly controlling.
    Why wouldnt someone have an opinion on what their partner does? As long as they dont push the issue when its something important to the person, then i really dont see the problem.
    Better they say "id really hate it if you went too thin" in advance rather than just not find them as attractive later
  • withchaco
    withchaco Posts: 1,026 Member
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    i don't think you're over reacting.my fiance is the same, he's also verrryy controlling!! even at 120lbs at 5'3, he said i was a fat *kitten* n' said i have to lose 20lbs. thats because i wear baggy clothes &they tend to make you look 10lbs bigger.i even showed him a pic of me where i lifted up a pink shirt up to my ribs [which i downloaded on my profile] and he was like 'ew, its still fat.' and my ex told me i was disgustingly thin [was 100lbs when i was with him, which is my main pic now]. soooo, some guys r *kitten* :] so, if he tells you that, u dont deserve him.i would've left my fiance if i wasn't in love with him :]

    Sounds to me like you are with a douche bag and you have no self esteem. Looking at your profile, it makes me genuinely sad that you are so mistreated by this person, who you seem to put a lot of value in.

    Best wishes.

    thanks, very much appreciated :] i keep thinking maybe he'll change and love me as much as i love him :]]
    Don't EVER stay with someone because you think "maybe he'll change." He won't, not for the next 40-50 years (if not more) anyway, and that's the truth. You deserve better and you know it.
  • shonasteele
    shonasteele Posts: 473
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    Let me tell you a story:

    I was married at 19. My wife was 105 lbs. I was an athlete and then I was in the army so I was in really good shape.

    After the army I gained 50 lbs in two months. At my biggest I was 272 lbs.

    My wife left me because of my weight. Well... she cited that as the major issue. She said I was wasting her youth and that she deserved better.

    A few years later I was with someone who then also left me for my weight, citing that she deserved better. That was me at 240 lbs.

    The bottom line is: it's not just the guys that get to decide. Women are just as visual, just as shallow about it, and that is to be expected in our culture which is based on things and possessions and winning.

    At least you know when they say that what type of person they are. The sad thing is, that breed makes up the majority of the human population in the western hemisphere.
    I gotta say I have to agree... I've seen WAAAAAY more thin guys with heavy women than the other way around. Everyone says that men are shallow and too concerned with looks and they are very visual creatures (ie: get turned on by a cappucino mug) but I think the reality is that women (as a group) are the shallow ones when it comes to looks and weight. If you doubt that, spend a day watching people/couples and keep track of how many fat/thin combos you see and which way they go. In my experience, there will be probably 3 times as many guys with heavy girls than vice versa.

    I think it comes down to judgement - women judge ourselves based on looks and weight WAAAAAY harder than men do. Unfortunately, we don't just do it to ourselves, but to our partners as well.

    I even have to admit (hides face in shame) that I don't know how attracted I would be to my husband if he were as obese as I have been, but I could always turn him on in a heartbeat, even at my heaviest. (But maybe the lingerie has something to do with that?)
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    I've really enjoyed hearing the different perspectives on this topic.

    I certainly wasn't trying to state that the men should not have an opinion. I know that we all have preferances of what we think others should look like...or we have traits that we like or dislike in others.

    I'm actually 5'8" and 135. I feel fine and healthy where I'm at. However, I'm not "happy" with my weight.

    I have no problem with the man stating his opinion. What I don't like is that the woman takes it and denies what she wants in herself. Is this making sense? haha!

    He says I look great the way I am. Do I take his opinion or not?

    I know "different builds, blah, blah, blah," but my best friend is 5'7" and at 128 pounds she was so tiny she looked like you could snap her in two by blowing on her. You're an inch taller and aiming for 8 pounds less than that, which would be considered very underweight for your height.

    In this case, it sounds like your husband is concerned, not trying to dictate. What you do with that is your business, but don't be angry with him.
  • Rae6503
    Rae6503 Posts: 6,294 Member
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    I've really enjoyed hearing the different perspectives on this topic.

    I certainly wasn't trying to state that the men should not have an opinion. I know that we all have preferances of what we think others should look like...or we have traits that we like or dislike in others.

    I'm actually 5'8" and 135. I feel fine and healthy where I'm at. However, I'm not "happy" with my weight.

    I have no problem with the man stating his opinion. What I don't like is that the woman takes it and denies what she wants in herself. Is this making sense? haha!

    He says I look great the way I am. Do I take his opinion or not?

    I think as long as you lose weight in a healthy manner and take a lot of time to focus on body composition (try to maintain muscle), you should be fine to lose. He doesn't know what you'd look like slightly fitter so he doesn't really know if he'd like it or not. Just be HEALTHY.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
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    Maybe he just doesn't think she needs to lose the weight? People see others differently than they see themselves. The problem is if a woman lets the man make the decision instead of just hearing his input.
  • MrBrown72
    MrBrown72 Posts: 407 Member
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    Your body is indeed yours and the final decisions concerning it are also yours.

    However if you are asking me (as my girl) what turns me on, expect an honest answer. Personally I do not like the waif or anorexic look. I like a woman with a body that shows she is taking care of it, not just skipping meals (say weight lifting) and I have no problem with sharing that opinion when it is asked for.

    Unless he is just being nice, This is quite probably where he is coming from. If being a turn on to him is irrelevant, by all means decide on your own. Of course males being insecure by nature he will wonder who it is you are trying to turn on if not him.

    Just my opinion but typical men when it comes to cloths, hair, cologne or even sometimes physique, really don't care beyond "will it make the woman I desire want to do me." and of course we project that attitude onto the others in our life.
    I've been thinking about this lately and thought I'd write a post about it.
    For some reason, it bothers me when a boyfriend/husband tells his girlfriend/wife what she should or shouldn't weigh. Like, when a woman who is 140 wants to be down to 120 (or something) but her husband says she'll be too skinny and wants her to stay the way she is. It bothers me because it is her body, and her weight, and she should be able to decide for herself when she looks to thin, and when she looks just right. I do agree that someone should step in if she is becoming unhealthy to be thin...however, she should feel comfortable. Instead, she stays at an uncomfortable weight for herself because her partner doesn't want her to lose anything. I just feel it is selfish on the man's part.
    Maybe I'm overreacting? Not sure. But I'd like to hear different opinions on it to get some different insight. thanks.
  • ThinspiredButterfly
    ThinspiredButterfly Posts: 176 Member
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    I'll answwer this tomorrow. I gotta check with my wife tonight and see what my opinion is.

    This ^

    Sometimes...I feel for the husbands. They are damned if they say something and they are damned if they don't. As a married lady for over 25 years I can attest that I am sometimes guilty of this. I ask for his opinion and if it is not what I want to hear, I dismiss it or rationalize to him why I think "his" opinion is wrong. Now seeing I have such a reasonable/smart guy, who has put up with me for this long, he has learned how to play the game and now according to him I always look great :laugh: !

    agreed

    LOVE your profile pic by the way :]]

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