your best jokes

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  • HollieDoodles
    HollieDoodles Posts: 678 Member
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    That last one surprised me! LOL and Ewww!
  • HollieDoodles
    HollieDoodles Posts: 678 Member
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    A blonde decides to try horseback
    riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor
    prior experience. She mounts the horse
    unassisted, and the horse immediately springs
    into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
    rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide
    from the saddle.

    In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot
    seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around
    the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's
    side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
    impervious to its slipping rider.

    Finally, giving up her frail grip,
    the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse
    and throw herself to safety.
    Unfortunately, her foot has become
    entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the
    mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head
    is struck against the ground over and over.

    As her head is battered against the
    ground, she is mere moments away from
    unconsciousness when to her great fortune...
    Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and
    unplugs the horse.

    And you thought all they did was say Hello.
  • cklbrown
    cklbrown Posts: 4,696 Member
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    Very funny. Thanks for the entertainment!
  • cklbrown
    cklbrown Posts: 4,696 Member
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    :laugh:
  • Chastityx
    Chastityx Posts: 192 Member
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    Two wives go out for girls night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said "No more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties." The other husband said "You think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'From all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you.
  • Chastityx
    Chastityx Posts: 192 Member
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    Dave, the president of a large corporation, was forced to make some cutbacks in his staff. He stayed up half the night thinking "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
    The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
  • Tiggerrick
    Tiggerrick Posts: 1,078 Member
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    A man is traveling abroad in a small out of the way province in China. He comes across a hooker and buys her services. Upon returning to the States, he realizes he has contracted some kind of venerial disease. He goes to his doctor for a check up.
    His doctor does a few tests, comes back and tells him "I'm sorry, the disease you have contracted is very rare. We are going to have to cut your p***s off." He responds:"NO WAY, I am getting a second opinion."
    He goes to the local hospital where once again he is told by attending doctor "We're gonna have to cut it off." He says: "NO WAY, I'm getting a third opinion."
    He does some research and finds a doctor from the same province and goes to him. The doctor examines him and says: "I see, I see, I know exactly what you've got.
    The man asks "Are you going to have to cut it off?"
    The doctor says: "No, no, no. We don't have to cut it off. It falls off all by itself."
  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
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    One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

    She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch...her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

    "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
  • Tegan74
    Tegan74 Posts: 202
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    How do you make Winnie the Pooh mad?



    Stick 2 fingers in his honey
  • Johnnyswife
    Johnnyswife Posts: 1,447 Member
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    Dave, the president of a large corporation, was forced to make some cutbacks in his staff. He stayed up half the night thinking "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
    The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
    OMG!! I had to read it twice before I got it. lol:laugh: :laugh:
  • bmqbonnie
    bmqbonnie Posts: 836 Member
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    A man was sitting by a bar with his Chihuahua and watched another man in dark glasses go inside with his seeing eye dog, a German Shepherd. He thought he would really like a drink too, but didn't want to leave his dog alone. So he found a little coat and harness for his Chihuahua and donned some dark glasses and walked in.

    The bartender stopped him and said "Sir, I can't let you in with a dog".

    "But this is my seeing eye dog!" he protested.

    "You expect me to believe that your Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog?"

    "THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!?"
  • avalonms
    avalonms Posts: 2,468 Member
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    Papa Buzzard and his son had a contemptuous relationship during the son's teen years - finally, one day, the son left. Papa Buzzard did not hear from his son for three years, then one day, he saw his son coming up from the distance. They embraced and the son told his father that he was a complete failure on his own. Papa Buzzard was glad to have him back so he suggested they go in and get something to eat as the son looked famished. "What do you have to eat?" asked the son.

    Papa Buzzard answered: "Carrion, my wayward son."

    ============

    1st Lawyer - I'm busy setting up a corporation for a group of athiests.
    2nd Lawyer - Obviously, it's a non-prophet corporation.

    ============

    A priest, a rabbi and a Presbyterian minister walked into a bar. The bartender took one look at them and said, "Hey, wait a minute. I've heard this one."

    A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Give me a beer and a mop.”

    A mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down.
    Not willing to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."

    A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

    ============

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