need advice for my 12 year old

ChantalD75

This morning my 12 year old got up and was crying. I asked him why he was crying and he told me that his little brother called him fat and he wanted him to appologize. When I asked the little one if this was true he said no I never said that. And then he got upset and said well you asked me to move out of the bed and you didn't climb over me so you think I am fat. (The little one got scared at night and climbed into bed with him). I said he just didn't want to climb over you. Plus you both needed to get up as we are leaving. But it pulls my heart. He is cubbier then the other two boys. He has had a weight issue for a couple of years. He is shorter then the other boys in his class and I thought he just needed to grow it out. (my nephew was like this) But seeing him cry like that this morning really hurt me as I do not want my kids to grow up thinking they are fat like I did when I was growing up because my dad called me fat. And looking back I wasn't fat and I think that is part of the reason I am fat now. And I don't want him to have this issue when he is my age. But I don't want him on a diet he is WAY too young. I try to make healthy meal options but he is so fussy. He takes takewondo 2x a week and that is a workout!! He is so red in the face when he is done and he feels so good about himself. But when it comes down to eating he will help himself 2-3 times and I try to discourage that but don't want to tell him no because of his weight. I don't want him to worry about his weight at his age. I have come to the conclusion that on the nights he doesn't have takewondo that he will come with me on a walk. But winter is coming and wont be able to do that much then Will take some convincing as he doesn't like excercise. I just want to know what else I can do for him without putting him on a diet and how do you make a fussy kid eat healthier or less? HELP!!!

SpaceMarkus

Coming from a fat kid...

You don't have to put him on a diet. In fact, that's one of the last things you should do. But you need to be honest with him. Letting him have 2-3 servings because you don't want to bring up that he is overweight is just sugar coating the issue. Don't even give him the option for that. Make meals where he can only have one servings. If you make something like pasta and such, don't make a giant bowl or dish. Make one serving for everyone and that's it.

I was 265lbs when I earned my 2nd degree black belt. I was teaching karate and taking classes 6 days a week. My diet is what made me fat. I can relate, believe me. And if my mom had just told me straight up that I need to lose weight and to not eat that bowl of ice cream every night, or better not even buy it, I would be in much better shape mentally and physically today.

annadilynn

You could always ask him to teach you his takewondo moves on his nights off from class..that would get him moving without feeling like he is exercising, because he is just teaching mom :0) and he will love the fact that you want Him to show You how to do something :0)

ruststar

You could try serving him a plate and not having the option of getting more - that has to apply to everybody, or it won't work. If controlling food intake is the option, you will probably have to exert more control over what goes on the plate.

MB_Positif

My son is only 5, and is crazy skinny, BUT he eats all day long and even though I originally thought this was ok I am realizing if he does this for his whole life it'll eventually turn out badly! Our biggest problem with him is that he likes to talk a lot at mealtimes so he doesn't finish his food, but will then eat a snack after dinner and then right near bed time will ask for a bowl of cereal or raisin toast with peanut butter. So for us, it is obvious that he's not eating enough at meals, so we are trying to figure out how to squash the grazing habit! That said, maybe try serving food on smaller plates so if he gets a second or third helping of food the quantity is still down. I would like to hear what other people say on this topic!

vettle

You're being too nice I think. Well, nice isn't the right word. But if you continue to let him eat 2-3 servings of something because you're afraid tell him he's fat (again, not really the right word), then he will end up getting overweight and later in life it'll be super hard for him to take the weight off (as we all know). My neices (13) do Irish dance and it's one heck of a work out, but they have some friends in the same class that are overweight even though they practice 3 days a week for an hour each. So just because they work out, doesn't mean they are healthy.

You don't have to tell him he's fat, but you need to educate him on eating healthy and what happens if you eat too much. A little bit of embarrasment now is nothing compared to a high school full of teasing and a lifetime of health problems. I'm not a parent so I cannot tell you the right way to talk to your kids, but I'm sure someone out there has done it.

OliveJuice821

You don't have to put him on a diet. In fact, that's one of the last things you should do. But you need to be honest with him. Letting him have 2-3 servings because you don't want to bring up that he is overweight is just sugar coating the issue. Don't even give him the option for that. Make meals where he can only have one servings. If you make something like pasta and such, don't make a giant bowl or dish. Make one serving for everyone and that's it.

I think this is your best bet. Don't put him on a diet, put the whole family on a healthier-eating lifestyle. Make healthier foods, and not a ton, ya know? The thing about kids is that if they're hungry enough they'll eat, or at least try, what you put in front of them. It's tough, believe me, I have a 3 year old who just refuses to eat anything aside from the same 10 foods, but it's something that has to be done sometimes.

I can't imagine going through that, seeing your kid cry because of something like this. The key is to just make him feel loved, and encourage him to try to healthy foods you'd make for the whole family.

NoAdditives

You should talk to his pediatrician about this and maybe get a referral to a nutritionist. He's still growing so a diet is a very bad idea. Have him eat healthier foods and it shouldn't matter too much how much he eats. When you make a meal make only enough meat and rice/potatoes/pasta for everyone to have one serving but make lots of vegetables or salad so that everyone can have as much as they want. It's not really possible to eat too many vegetables! Make sure everyone uses the proper amount of sauce or dressing and use overall health as the reason for limiting it. Your son may be picky but if you don't offer him other options he'll eat what you make. My kids are toddlers and they've already learned that they eat what I make or they don't eat. My son was getting picky but now he eats everything I give him! Getting him more physical activity is a good idea too, especially since he will learn how important it is for overall health.

ChantalD75

thanks guys. It all makes sense. I think I will sit him down tonight and have a one on one and see if we can come up with something together. Both his older and younger brother are skinny and very atheltic looking and I think it makes him jealous. They can eat and eat and because they are so active it doesn't show. He is less active if it wasn't for takewondo I don't think he would do anything. On weekends when the kids are all outside he is indoors on his ipod or just sitting in front of the TV and doesn't move. I think a heart to heart is in order!

OliveJuice821

You should talk to his pediatrician about this and maybe get a referral to a nutritionist.

Honestly, I would do this, too lol A doctor is trained to be sympathetic and knows how to talk to the kids... and no parent wants to be the one to tell their kid that they need to lose weight XD I'd rather have a doctor or a nutritionist do it lol

vaderandbill

Coming from a fat kid...

You don't have to put him on a diet. In fact, that's one of the last things you should do. But you need to be honest with him. Letting him have 2-3 servings because you don't want to bring up that he is overweight is just sugar coating the issue. Don't even give him the option for that. Make meals where he can only have one servings. If you make something like pasta and such, don't make a giant bowl or dish. Make one serving for everyone and that's it.

My diet is what made me fat. ...if my mom had just told me straight up that I need to lose weight and to not eat that bowl of ice cream every night, or better not even buy it, I would be in much better shape mentally and physically today.

^^This! It can't be said any better.

Monica_has_a_goal

Hi hun.. I'm offering my 2 cents in here but dont feel offended.

I do believe that you're heavy because you lived up to the "fat" name. I was told the same when I was a teenager and I wasn't fat at the time. I was at my ideal weight but I wanted to be skinny so it really affected my self esteem and body issues. Now I'm fat!

As for you're lil boy.. you have to teach him portion control. Don't make too much food where he can go get seconds and thirds.

1. Allow him one serving as you would do yourself. Teach him and the other children what a portion size is. "Look this is how much WE should have." He may not like it at first but It'll help. Provide healthy snacks if he's still hungry, like Celery, Carrots, Apples...and lastly provide him fun exercise. He doesnt have to know its for losing weight.

2. Ride bike with him or play the Wii games that make you burn calories.
If you want him to eat and exercise you have to be the example and he can groan and whine but enforce the good behavior and treat him when he does well!

3. Always above all else hug and kiss him and tell him you know hes an awesome boy! Little boys dont hear that enough!

Texas501

What ever you decide to do, don't single him out (i.e., have a smaller plate for him, only have certain food rules for him, only have walk sessions with him). This will guarantee failure and upset him. If you plan to change the family meal, everyone should participate in this. Have scheduled meals, have scheduled snacks, rid the house of unhealthy snacks, have meals planned out where you have a good balance of fruits, vegetables and protein FOR EVERYONE in the house. Don't allow for seconds or thirds, thus requiring you to put on good portion on everyone's plate. If someone refuses to eat, respect that, accept it, but don't allow anyone to make their own meal. Sooner or later they will come around and realize this is the only option in the house if you want to eat. If you only single him out, and put strict rules on him, this will definitely bring up a lot of conflict and misery.

NoAdditives

My son is only 5, and is crazy skinny, BUT he eats all day long and even though I originally thought this was ok I am realizing if he does this for his whole life it'll eventually turn out badly! Our biggest problem with him is that he likes to talk a lot at mealtimes so he doesn't finish his food, but will then eat a snack after dinner and then right near bed time will ask for a bowl of cereal or raisin toast with peanut butter. So for us, it is obvious that he's not eating enough at meals, so we are trying to figure out how to squash the grazing habit! That said, maybe try serving food on smaller plates so if he gets a second or third helping of food the quantity is still down. I would like to hear what other people say on this topic!

Young children do need to graze because their stomachs aren't big enough to eat big meals. If they don't get snacks during the day they won't eat enough, especially if they are very active. If your son is skinny I'm betting he runs around most of the day and of course, is growing. While it's important to have set meal and snack times and to make sure he eats enough during those times, kids have short attention spans and get bored easily. I've just gotten my toddlers to the point where they can sit and eat a meal without having to run around after every bite!

bcattoes

Coming from a fat kid...

You don't have to put him on a diet. In fact, that's one of the last things you should do. But you need to be honest with him. Letting him have 2-3 servings because you don't want to bring up that he is overweight is just sugar coating the issue. Don't even give him the option for that. Make meals where he can only have one servings. If you make something like pasta and such, don't make a giant bowl or dish. Make one serving for everyone and that's it.

I was 265lbs when I earned my 2nd degree black belt. I was teaching karate and taking classes 6 days a week. My diet is what made me fat. I can relate, believe me. And if my mom had just told me straight up that I need to lose weight and to not eat that bowl of ice cream every night, or better not even buy it, I would be in much better shape mentally and physically today.

Yes, this ^^ is good advice. Also, don't serve things like pasta often. Serve plenty of vegetables, and let him have as many servings of those as he wants. A lot of kids are fussy eaters, but I've yet to meet one that will actually starve instead of eat healthy food. They may complain, but so what? I have no statistics but I'd bet there are far fewer adults complaining because their moms made them eat healthy than because they were overweight as children.

TeaBea

At home exercise ideas for kids:

Tae Bo Kicks by Billy Blanks. This is kid's Tae Bo. This DVD has been out awhile and features kids younger than 12. Maybe your library has a copy, or Netflix does have it for rent. Some older kids just do regular videos. "This is Tae Bo" is really good (Target, Wal-Mart).

Wii - Walk it Out is a fun walking game. There are also boxing games.

Leslie Sansone has a Kid's Walk video & a Teen's Walk one as well.

Monica_has_a_goal

Coming from a fat kid...

You don't have to put him on a diet. In fact, that's one of the last things you should do. But you need to be honest with him. Letting him have 2-3 servings because you don't want to bring up that he is overweight is just sugar coating the issue. Don't even give him the option for that. Make meals where he can only have one servings. If you make something like pasta and such, don't make a giant bowl or dish. Make one serving for everyone and that's it.

I was 265lbs when I earned my 2nd degree black belt. I was teaching karate and taking classes 6 days a week. My diet is what made me fat. I can relate, believe me. And if my mom had just told me straight up that I need to lose weight and to not eat that bowl of ice cream every night, or better not even buy it, I would be in much better shape mentally and physically today.

\


Thanks for sharing .. I think you said it all!

Monica_has_a_goal

What ever you decide to do, don't single him out (i.e., have a smaller plate for him, only have certain food rules for him, only have walk sessions with him). This will guarantee failure and upset him. If you plan to change the family meal, everyone should participate in this. Have scheduled meals, have scheduled snacks, rid the house of unhealthy snacks, have meals planned out where you have a good balance of fruits, vegetables and protein FOR EVERYONE in the house. Don't allow for seconds or thirds, thus requiring you to put on good portion on everyone's plate. If someone refuses to eat, respect that, accept it, but don't allow anyone to make their own meal. Sooner or later they will come around and realize this is the only option in the house if you want to eat. If you only single him out, and put strict rules on him, this will definitely bring up a lot of conflict and misery.

Great advice! I would add that he may rebel if he's the only one eating right and exercising! Make it a family lifestyle change! :happy:

JS70

My daughter is 12 and was recently told by her doctor that she needed to lose 25 pounds. She doesn't seem to know when to quit eating. We have made some changes that have really been helping. She no longer eats school lunches. We go to the store every weekend and she picks out some healthy options for lunches. This has really helped by skipping the unhealthy school lunches. She takes turkey sandwiches with 100% whole wheat bread or whole wheat wraps, carrots, grapes, apples, baked chips... She loves it so it is working. We also try to eat a lot healthier at home so if she does eat more, it won't be so bad. She is active in sports so she does get exercise and I try to encourage walks and hiking trips more. I don't know if she can lose the 25 pounds he wants her to lose but so far she has lost about 5 pounds and she has grown 2 inches. I think we are on the right track. If you have any other suggestions that are working for you, I would love to hear them. It is so hard on them at that age when the other kids are not nice. Good luck!

its_betty

I agree, no need to put a kid on a diet, but you can do subtle things to make the whole family healthier.

My 12 year old is thin (and very active), but I want him to understand nutrition and reasonable serving sizes. So I have him look at serving sizes on packages (pasta, cookies, everything) just so that he understands what a "serving" of a food is. If I'm cooking pasta, we make 4 servings for our family of 3 (sometimes the extra gets eaten, sometimes 12-year-old has it for breakfast the next day LOL). If 2 cookies is a serving, he might be allowed to have 3 or 4 (growing active kid) but that's plenty. If he's still hungry, there are healthier foods around.

We also talk about the concept of treats: foods that you can have once in a while, but shouldn't have every day. Like lots of kids, he likes soda. We don't keep it in the house, but if he chooses to have a soda with a meal at a restaurant, he is choosing not to have a big sweet dessert that day.

pitapocket

Coming from a fat kid...

You don't have to put him on a diet. In fact, that's one of the last things you should do. But you need to be honest with him. Letting him have 2-3 servings because you don't want to bring up that he is overweight is just sugar coating the issue. Don't even give him the option for that. Make meals where he can only have one servings. If you make something like pasta and such, don't make a giant bowl or dish. Make one serving for everyone and that's it.

I was 265lbs when I earned my 2nd degree black belt. I was teaching karate and taking classes 6 days a week. My diet is what made me fat. I can relate, believe me. And if my mom had just told me straight up that I need to lose weight and to not eat that bowl of ice cream every night, or better not even buy it, I would be in much better shape mentally and physically today.

Well said.

TooFatToFit

thanks guys. It all makes sense. I think I will sit him down tonight and have a one on one and see if we can come up with something together. Both his older and younger brother are skinny and very atheltic looking and I think it makes him jealous. They can eat and eat and because they are so active it doesn't show. He is less active if it wasn't for takewondo I don't think he would do anything. On weekends when the kids are all outside he is indoors on his ipod or just sitting in front of the TV and doesn't move. I think a heart to heart is in order!

My 9 year old son inherited the family curse of being sedentary by nature. We don't have the innate desire to work up a sweat or even get out of the computer chair the way many people do. For us...we have to be taught and we have to form good habits. I was in my 30's before I realized this because it was never an issue in my family. Neither of my parents ever suggested I should put the Nintendo away and get off my butt and I'm a little irked that they didn't.

My son is quite sensitive, so I have to choose my words very wisely, but I've explained that if he doesn't get some activity in EVERY day, it IS likely he'll have weight issues. Even though he is slim now, he is paranoid of being fat and honestly...I can see it happening. It feels awkward to say, you'd better move or you'll be fat in a way that comes out as concern and not derogatory, but I can use myself as an example. It's one of my biggest motivation for making the family livestyle changes I have made and am making. I explain that we ALL need to be more active and eat better, even his skinny-minnie tiny framed little sister who is naturally overactive...I find that because it includes all of us, he doesn't take it so personally.

We always think of girls have body image issues, but it's very real for many boys, too. My son was in SK when he refused to put on his new winter jacket. After much frustration he finally admitted it was because he thought it made him look puffy and fat. He was only 5 years old!!!

Troll

that is upsetting. I dont know that i would discourage eating seconds or thirds,12 year old boys eat. And eat. And then they get tall, so they eat more. Plus, bringing up how much or what he eats is what my grandma did to my mom and is now doing to my cousin. "wow. Another bowl of soup?" or "do you really need a kitkat?" can be damaging as well. It is great that he is active, be sure to keep encouraging that! As far as picky eating, my fiance has the palate of a 12 year old. im always a fan of putting carrots, spinach, etc in a blender and adding that to spagetti sauce. also, whole wheat pasta etc isnt ACTUALLY whole wheat unless its in a box that says so. We put ours in a pasta jar and get rid of the box. Theres a book called Deceptively Delicious that tells you how to make kids fave foods much healthier without affecting taste. keep his self esteem high with his martial arts, ive noticed the heavier kids who dont have cheerleaders often quit and never lose the baby fat. one last thing, be an example: my cousins ate junk and sat around constantly until they noticed that i wasnt snacking with them. My youngest cousin, 14 years old, has taken up exercising before school and is down to one soda a day. And my nieces and nephew, the pickiest eaters on earth, will try almost anything i put in front of them. (ill admit my bright green spinach celery smoothie may have been called Hulk Juice for my nephew and Fairy Potion for my nieces, but it worked!)

jenstanley13

OP - I would try to involve him in cooking and planning meals (your other kids can join in too); teach them about nutrition and find healthy alternatives to their favorite junk/not as healthy foods. I think having Him teach You the taekwondo (or however you spell it) sounds like a great plan as another poster suggested.

mbcarren08 - I use my pediatrician's philosophy...I decide when and what my child will eat; she decides whether she will eat and how much. If she chooses not to eat her dinner/snack/whatever then she does not get another opportunity to eat until the next mealtime; this teaches her to eat when she is supposed to so that she is not hungry later on. It sounds mean, but it works and teaches them healthy eating habits. My daughter gets breakfast, mid morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner and then a cup of milk if she asks between dinner and bedtime. Lots of meals and opportunities to eat so she doesn't get hungry but she isn't allowed to eat anything between times, she is a very healthy 21 month old (so I don't get a whiny kid, I get temper tantrums when I tell her no) she is on the smaller side 5th percentile for weight and 10th for height but we are strict on only offering healthy snacks and meals for her.

robinso5

My son is only 5, and is crazy skinny, BUT he eats all day long and even though I originally thought this was ok I am realizing if he does this for his whole life it'll eventually turn out badly! Our biggest problem with him is that he likes to talk a lot at mealtimes so he doesn't finish his food, but will then eat a snack after dinner and then right near bed time will ask for a bowl of cereal or raisin toast with peanut butter. So for us, it is obvious that he's not eating enough at meals, so we are trying to figure out how to squash the grazing habit! That said, maybe try serving food on smaller plates so if he gets a second or third helping of food the quantity is still down. I would like to hear what other people say on this topic!

I would like to suggest that grazing at 5 is completely healthy! 5 year olds dont sit and eat a meal they are always on the go, now once he gets into school and has a regular day planned , maybe 2 nd or 3rd grade you can get him into a more routine thing. my 8 year old is super thin and she eats all day but if you will look at what they eat, its really good stuff! i mean raison toast with peanut butter???????? we could learn a lot from these kids! Eat when you are hungry STOP when you are not!

clw_888

I am a mom of a little one and was thinking about what I would do in this situation. First I would make sure my daughter and I are exercising and playing together each day so she gets the recommended 1 hr of activity that kids are supposed to. Secondly, 12 years old is plenty old enough to begin to learn about nutrition and meal planning. I was cooking dinner for my family at 12 years old. I would give my kid some responsibility for meal planning and sit down together and talk about some healthy options he will eat. Bring him to the grocery store with you and allow him to choose the fruits and veggies that your family will eat. If a picky eater picks out the choices, then he will have options he likes and won't deny later on. Good luck!

pfeiferfit

My sister skipped the Dr for 10 years because of the Dr saying she needed to lose weight - so be careful how the Dr says it, and don't even THINK of letting a fat dr say it (that is what drove my sister crazy.)

My son was sad about weight the other day too - and he's got VERY fit relatives, I guess the thing about eating and activity is this - your car gets gassed up more often if you USE it, but if it sits in the laneway it doesn't need much of anything.

DietingMommy08

My Sons pediatrician told me my son was 3% overweight. He just turned 3 years old....

Hes very active at school all day and I only send him with a healthy lunch and he has healthy snacks at school...

Idk what else to do.... everytime we go in hes still 3% overweight.

Hes 3.... Theres no way I can make him understand that. Lol.

BackwoodsMom

One thing to keep in mind: YOU are the parent - older and wiser. Make decisions that are in the best interest of your children. They may not like you for it at the time but that's okay. Our kids won't like us all the time but it is our responsibility to teach them and to look out for their best. Have that one-on-one talk with him but let him know that YOU are going to set reasonable and healthy limiits.

Portion sizes are major here! I agree - don't make so much food for a meal. If he's still hungry, give him healthy options - raw veggies and fruit.

You're doing well to be tackling this now and not when he's older.

NoAdditives

My Sons pediatrician told me my son was 3% overweight. He just turned 3 years old....

Hes very active at school all day and I only send him with a healthy lunch and he has healthy snacks at school...

Idk what else to do.... everytime we go in hes still 3% overweight.

Hes 3.... Theres no way I can make him understand that. Lol.

At this age you don't need to worry too much. It's concerning, so you need to make sure you're making healthy choices for him (which it sounds like you are), but beyond that his body is going to do what it wants to do. It doesn't necessarily make him unhealthy and it doesn't mean he'll have a weight problem later on.

My 17 month old has always been in the 90th percentile for weight, or above. The same has been true for his height and his head has always been off the chart. He's a big boy with lots of muscle. He's got a little toddler chub but he's not unhealthy. He spends all day running around (unless he's taking a nap) and 95% of the food my family eats is healthy. So I know he's not fat, he's just big. (He weighs three pounds less than his almost three year old sister, he's less than 6 inches shorter and they both wear size 9 shoes.)

If your son is just big, I wouldn't worry. You can't really figure a BMI for a toddler and even if you could, it wouldn't be accurate. Kids come in all shapes and sizes, especially when they're little. Your son needs to eat as much as his body tells him to and if it's healthy foods he's eating there's nothing wrong with him eating a lot. Some toddlers are skinny, some are big and muscular. Obviously, a muscular kid is going to be heavier and there's nothing wrong with that. Boys are often big and heavy because they have denser bones and bigger muscles. And from the pictures on your profile your son doesn't look overweight at all, so I really wouldn't worry.

DietingMommy08

My Sons pediatrician told me my son was 3% overweight. He just turned 3 years old....

Hes very active at school all day and I only send him with a healthy lunch and he has healthy snacks at school...

Idk what else to do.... everytime we go in hes still 3% overweight.

Hes 3.... Theres no way I can make him understand that. Lol.

At this age you don't need to worry too much. It's concerning, so you need to make sure you're making healthy choices for him (which it sounds like you are), but beyond that his body is going to do what it wants to do. It doesn't necessarily make him unhealthy and it doesn't mean he'll have a weight problem later on.

My 17 month old has always been in the 90th percentile for weight, or above. The same has been true for his height and his head has always been off the chart. He's a big boy with lots of muscle. He's got a little toddler chub but he's not unhealthy. He spends all day running around (unless he's taking a nap) and 95% of the food my family eats is healthy. So I know he's not fat, he's just big. (He weighs three pounds less than his almost three year old sister, he's less than 6 inches shorter and they both wear size 9 shoes.)

If your son is just big, I wouldn't worry. You can't really figure a BMI for a toddler and even if you could, it wouldn't be accurate. Kids come in all shapes and sizes, especially when they're little. Your son needs to eat as much as his body tells him to and if it's healthy foods he's eating there's nothing wrong with him eating a lot. Some toddlers are skinny, some are big and muscular. Obviously, a muscular kid is going to be heavier and there's nothing wrong with that. Boys are often big and heavy because they have denser bones and bigger muscles. And from the pictures on your profile your son doesn't look overweight at all, so I really wouldn't worry.

Yea my son has always been in the 95% for his weight and his height and his head is above average and always will be because when he was under a year old he had access spinal fluid around the front of his brain. Hes gotta slim stomach and muscular everywhere else. His doctor just seems to bring this up EVERYTIME he has an appointment and I just look at her like "Are you serious?!" lol. I have a hypothyroid issue myself so ive even had him tested and THANK GOD at the moment his levels were fine.

I didnt think I had anything to worry about but his dr makes me feel really bad.

Thank you for the advice. )