adoption???

nakabi

I was meeting with a policyholder this past week (I work for an insurance company) and she was 8.5 months pregnant. We started discussing pregnancy and children and she revealed that she really did not want the baby. She knew that abortion was wrong and that is why she had made the WONDERFUL decision in having the baby. The subject of adoption came up and she said she was hesitant to do it because you never knew how the children turned out and what if her daughter (her baby) hated her down the road. As we talked I let her know that I was adopted (mother was raped by a soldier during the dictatorship of Idi Am). I had been placed into an orphanage after my mum died and it was from there that my adoptive parents adopted me. I told her how wonderful adoption can be and what a blessing it is for both the child and the adoptive parents. Before she left, she promised that she would let me know what she decided to do....

My question to you: are any of you adopted and if so, what kind of families adopted you?

quara

I'm not adopted, but there's the option of open adoptions, where you can stay in touch with the child and the child's family. I know a few people who have gone down that route and it seems to be wonderful, if the right people are involved!

Jconner30

I adopted my x-wifes child from her first husband. My daughter is now 16 (turns 17 on Oct 20th). She met her real dad and she didnt like him. He was real critical of her and he did not listen to her or engage in meaninful conversations. She had her guard up with me for a long time but now she loves me, calls me dad, and when she went to counceling with me a while back, she broke down and told the councelor that I was the only dad she ever knew and she said that I was not a bad guy. Every since then, our relationship has flourished! I do not look at her differenlty than my biological twin daughters.

Pidders89

My boyfriend is adopted and he has lovely parents but they dont talk about his real mum and dad and i think that has left him with issues xxx

tmiqueen

My cousins are both adopted using an "open adoption" policy. This means that the birth parents can get photo updates, letters, copies of report cards, etc. One of the birth parents comes to visit several times a year, so she can actually interact with him. It just really depends on what the parents want.

p0pr0cksnc0ke

My best friend put her daughter up for adoption. She became pregnant at 16 and knew she wouldnt be able to give the child the home that she deserved. She had an open adoption and the child is with an amazing family and has siblings and doesn't hold a grudge against my friend at all. Adoption can be a wonderful thing.

k9hrd

I am adopted too. Message me for more info. I have located my birth mother and I love her very much.

_SusieQ_

Both my sister and I were adopted. We are true results of the nature vs nurture question.

If you ask ME, I have the most amazing parents ever. They were/are lower middle class, my dad was a plumber for almost 40 years, mom stayed home until we were older and in school. A little old fashioned, but not to the detriment of my upbringing. I always had what I needed, and a lot of what I wanted, as long as it was within reason. They have ALWAYS been supportive of me, and I have never felt different or wondered if I would have had a better life had my bmom kept me.

My sister though...she started having problems when she became a teen. Wrong crowd, drugs, skipping school, pregnant at 17. She said she always felt like she was an outcast. She found and met her birth dad about 6 years ago and it was like WOW. She is his carbon copy, from appearance to even taste in music. Once she met him, she felt like she belonged.

Not sure if this REALLY answers your question, but it does show how even in the same household how two people can live completely different upbringings.

RillSoji

I'm not adopted, but there's the option of open adoptions, where you can stay in touch with the child and the child's family. I know a few people who have gone down that route and it seems to be wonderful, if the right people are involved!

Very much this.

My husband and I are waiting to adopt. Paperwork is mostly done but we are very much willing to have an open adoption. They're a lot more common these days than people realize. It's not the 'cloak and dagger'/'thief in the night' - take the baby out the back door of the hospital - that it used to be. Especially if you use the right agencies.

I understand that making that choice between abortion or adoption or keeping the baby must be so hard. They're not easy choices. It makes me grateful for the people who choose to give the baby up to adoption because it lets people like my husband and I, who can't have kids on our own, to have them and raise a family.

Hopinitworks

:happy: I am not adopted but I adopted a daughter 11 years ago. My daughters were 15 and 17 at the time and I wanted to extend my motherhood because I loved it so much. We were chosen by my daughters mother to be her parents. We met her Mother in the hospital the day she was born. Her mother was going to college and wanted her baby to live a life she could not and was not ready to provide at the time. Our youngest is the love of our lives. She is the center of our universe. I respect her mother so much for giving us the gift we could never have had without her. I keep in touch by e mail and when the time comes that my daughter wants to meet her she will. I hope that young girl makes the decision that is best for her and the baby. Adoption is the hardest and the greatest gift any woman can give another.

CharlieBarleyMom

I am not adopted but I think that it must have been amazing to your policyholder that you were adopted just when she needed to hear a positive side. Imagine anyone else having a conversation with her... they don't have the experience you do, they can't help her the way you can. That's a fabulous "coincidence" in the universe.

Glad you could give her hope.

chocolateandvodka

two of my cousins are adopted and they have the best relationship with their adoptive parents, but no connection to the birth parents.

on another note entirely... your views on abortion should be kept to yourself. i don't appreciate the snide way you threw that in there.

Qarol

My older brother was given up for adoption. He's a full brother (it's a long story; short story, my father's a douche). I didn't meet him until I was 18.

rml_16

I'm not adopted, but I know several people who have adopted. I was going to say, there's a lot of open adoption these days where the birth mother (or parents) get to be part of her baby's life and see how the baby turns out.

My aunt and uncle have adopted two little girls and those girls have it pretty awesome. The editor of my last newspaper where I worked and his wife adopted a little boy (these were all closed adoptions, FYI) and that kid is very loved and happy. My cousin's wife was adopted and has a great family who she loves. I can't think of more off the top of my head. :-) I know there are others, though.

My grandfather had a girlfriend who had two adopted children (adults when I knew them) who weren't real thrilled with their adoptive parents, but I don't think they hated their birth parents for giving them up.

It is a chance you take when you give your baby away, but I think there's a better chance of ending up in a good home than a bad one. And the open adoption option is a good way to go for someone who's worried.

fudgebudget

I'm not adopted, but there's the option of open adoptions, where you can stay in touch with the child and the child's family. I know a few people who have gone down that route and it seems to be wonderful, if the right people are involved!

THAT'S a dangerous road to go down. I'm adopted - closed adoption - and I can't imagine doing it any other way. With an open adoption you risk a lot of confusion on the child's part and grief on the part of the adoptive parents. I'm sure that there are situations where this can work out, but I don't think it's the majority. When a child is adopted, all biological parental rights are terminated, and you should avoid contact until after the child is 18 - excepting, perhaps, periodical updates to the child's family medical history.

Adoption is wonderful, and I'm actually a second generation adoptee, but I cannot imagine having had another person in my life as a small child who claimed to be my mother.

Edit: correspondence between biological and adoptive parents is okay so the biological parent knows that the child is doing well, but they should avoid direct contact with the adopted child until s/he is mature enough to handle it.

Dylanzmom

I am adopted by my maternal grandparents and I am thankful that they did it. My bio mom did not turn out that great and I know that had I lived with her, I probably would not have the life that i have now. Also at 13 i was raped and became pregnant, I knew that I was too young to raise a baby so I asked my aunt and uncle to adopt her. She is now 12 years old and is doing awesome. She has the life that i would not have been able to give her at the time.

chanstriste13

i'm not adopted, but my husband and i are thinking of adopting. we could have our own children if we wanted, but we figure that there are so many children with no family in NC alone, why not open our home to them? as of now, though, it's kind of a moot point until i get a job...:grumble:

but i think as soon as i finally get a teaching job, we might move forward down that avenue.

rbryntes

My older brother was given up for adoption. He's a full brother (it's a long story; short story, my father's a douche). I didn't meet him until I was 18.

This is what happened with my BF and his older sister - she had been given up for adoption. He leeps telling her she got the better end of things.

CMmrsfloyd

I am not adopted but I am glad that the option is there for children that need it and mothers/families that cannot or will not raise them for whatever reason. There are always going to be situations where a mother cannot or will not raise her baby for some reason, so there will always be a need for someone to care for and love those children. It may not be perfect in many circumstances but it is better than having the state control the child's upbringing. I have a family member that adopted and their family is loving and beautiful. The birth mother chose them and brought them a baby gift at the court proceedings. I know sometimes it's not so picturesque but sometimes it can be a real blessing for all parties involved. Now, there's always a possibility that the child may have issues down the road that they will need to address, I understand that, but for the moment when there is a child that needs to be cared for you have to worry about the most immediate needs first.

Also, there are different types of adoptions. Sometimes everyone feels that an open adoption is best since the child can have contact and knowledge of their birthmother/parents and not grow up wondering 'what if'. Just depends on the situation. But you are taking a bit of a leap of faith to enter into that type of adoption b/c it wouldn't be too hard for the adoptive family to change their minds and decide they don't really want the birthmother having so much contact. It's a tricky situation and a delicate balance. There's no one right answer for every situation, every person/baby/situation is different.

_SusieQ_

I'm not adopted, but there's the option of open adoptions, where you can stay in touch with the child and the child's family. I know a few people who have gone down that route and it seems to be wonderful, if the right people are involved!

THAT'S a dangerous road to go down. I'm adopted - closed adoption - and I can't imagine doing it any other way. With an open adoption you risk a lot of confusion on the child's part and grief on the part of the adoptive parents. I'm sure that there are situations where this can work out, but I don't think it's the majority. When a child is adopted, all biological parental rights are terminated, and you should avoid contact until after the child is 18 - excepting, perhaps, periodical updates to the child's family medical history.

Adoption is wonderful, and I'm actually a second generation adoptee, but I cannot imagine having had another person in my life as a small child who claimed to be my mother.

Being the product of a closed adoption, I would have to agree with the above. Not just for the sake of the child but also the adoptive parents. My mother is my mother, and she would not have wanted to share me with anyone, even the one who gave birth to me. And I totally understand and respect that. I think it would be very hard to take a child into your home to raise as your own, but still have this person in their life every day that was also "momma". But again, that is just my opinion being a child of adoption. I would not want to share.

Contrarian

I'm adopted.

It's fine. It isn't like I can compare it to being raised by my birth family because that never happened. It's normal to me. It's just my life.

flasportsfan

This is painful to share, but if it can help someone, I will share. I was raped when I was 18 and subsequently had an abortion. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what I did and how horrible it was. If only I had had the courage to face my parents and the consequences, that child could have had a chance.

I adopted a little girl from Russia 2 years ago and she is the love of my life. She is 8 now and was put in the orphanage when she was 6. She took care of her baby sister, Katia because her mother and aunt were drunk all the time. She tried to do her best, but the baby died in her arms of malnutrition. She thinks about her family in Russia a lot, but she is grateful she has a home with us and a chance at life. I feel blessed to have had another chance to save a life and give her an opportunity for a good life with lots of love. Would I ever want her to see her mother again? Yes, if she wanted to. I'd love to show her what a beautiful girl she turned out to be and thank her in person for this gift.

voluptas63

I'm personally going to respond to the OP and not to all the other junk... jeez.


My former stepmom was/is adopted as were all of her siblings (3 children in total). They were all closed adoptions. She definitely was not one that handled it well. She constantly said things like "My mother abandoned me and hasn't found me yet. Why would I go looking for her???" She was VERY hurt by her adoption and even though her adoptive parents seemed to be very nice, caring and loved her like their own, she chose to be very self destructive in her life.

Now her brothers, they seem to be well adjusted and living very happy lives. Neither one has found their natural parents. I'm not sure what makes a "great" adoption, but I think it's one of the best gifts you can give to someone. And the most unselfish thing someone can do. Even if they're doing it for selfish motives (too young/wanting to live their life without the "hassle" of a child), it's still unselfish because they realize that they're not ready for a child. A child is not an accessory.

jennajava

This is painful to share, but if it can help someone, I will share. I was raped when I was 18 and subsequently had an abortion. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what I did and how horrible it was. If only I had had the courage to face my parents and the consequences, that child could have had a chance.

I adopted a little girl from Russia 2 years ago and she is the love of my life. She is 8 now and was put in the orphanage when she was 6. She took care of her baby sister, Katia because her mother and aunt were drunk all the time. She tried to do her best, but the baby died in her arms of malnutrition. She thinks about her family in Russia a lot, but she is grateful she has a home with us and a chance at life. I feel blessed to have had another chance to save a life and give her an opportunity for a good life with lots of love. Would I ever want her to see her mother again? Yes, if she wanted to. I'd love to show her what a beautiful girl she turned out to be and thank her in person for this gift.

I think you definitely did an awesome thing by adopting your daughter...and if it were me, I would focus on this daily instead. Don't beat yourself up!

CakeFit21

My mom is adopted. I believe it was one of the greatest blessings in her life.

killerqueen17

Okay but can we just get past that and answer her questions? It's not a big deal. People say things on here all the time that I don't agree with... Oh well!

Anyway, can I throw a question in? Has anyone either adopted or been adopted interracially? If so, how did you deal with it (if you were the one adopted) or how did your child deal with it-- looking very different from the rest of the family.

I ask because adoption is something I've thought about as a possibility someday, and there's a good chance the child may not be white... I would not mind that at all, but just wondering if it is hard on the kids!! I'm sure it varies, but I'd like to hear from anyone who this applies to! Thanks

engineman312

when i opened up this thread, there was an ad on top for unplanned pregnancy/adoption. when i went to page two, there was an ad for liquid plumber.

ericjr7210

I was adopted... raised by the only parents I knew. I was told from day 1, as early as I can remember that I was adopted. I was also told that my biological parents were very young and felt they could not support a child. I love my mother and father without qestion...although they divorced when I was 5 years old they both were a huge part of my life and still are.... At one point I wanted to find my birth parents but now only to find out my possible medical history and maybe to see if I have any brothers and sisters... I am an only child too.... other then that I do not have any feelings for them, how could I...

Contrarian

Even if they're doing it for selfish motives (too young/wanting to live their life without the "hassle" of a child), it's still unselfish because they realize that they're not ready for a child. A child is not an accessory.

I don't think anyone gives up a baby because having a child is a "hassle". Giving up a child is a lot harder than it looks.

jennajava

when i opened up this thread, there was an ad on top for unplanned pregnancy/adoption. when i went to page two, there was an ad for liquid plumber.

lol

_SusieQ_

Okay but can we just get past that and answer her questions? It's not a big deal. People say things on here all the time that I don't agree with.

Anyway, can I throw a question in? Has anyone wither adopted or been adopted interracially? If so, how did you deal with it (if you were the one adopted) or how did your child deal with it-- looking very different from the rest of the family.

I ask because adoption is something I've thought about as a possibility someday, and there's a good chance the child may not be white... I would not mind that at all, but just wondering if it is hard on the kids!! I'm sure it varies, but I'd like to hear from anyone who this applies to! Thanks

My sister was born in 1978, the same year they passed the Indian Child Welfare Act of 1978 "ICWA helps keep American Indian children with American Indian families." Just a couple of months later and we would not have been able to adopt her b/c of that act. My sister is Creek Indian and very much looks it. I am very much Caucasian as they get, as well as my adoptive parents. Did that contribute to my sister feeling different? Back then I didn't think so, but hindsight and all that. I do believe it made it hard on her sometimes to look so different than the rest of us. It was always obvious she was not born into the family, but I could pass easily. After she met her birth dad a few years ago, she filed for and got her role number with the tribe. She is finally at peace with who she is. My suggestion, which comes only from my own experiences, is if you decide to adopt interracially, make sure that child gets as much culture and experience from their race as is possible for you to provide.