It's so hard wanting to help someone that doesn't want help

NinjaMonkey201

My sil (sister-in-law) is FAT and LAZY. In all sense of the phrase. Everytime she comes over, all I hear is how great I'm doing on my weight loss and how she's going to start, too. Except every single time, the next time we see her, she's gained even more.

She's a good 300 lbs now. Her daughter is 5 years old and has been doctor ordered to lose weight. At 5 years old!!! That's just wrong!!! My sil's ex is taking her to court to get full custody of their daughter, now.

She uses every excuse in the book.
I have migraines..... That's because you're blood pressure is through the roof!
I don't have time..... There's 24 hrs in the day and you don't even work!
It hurts..... That's because your body isn't used to moving!
I can't afford a gym..... Can you afford a free sidewalk?
You name, she's come up with it.

What's really got my blood boiling... She was walking out of her bedroom and her body finally said "screw you lady, I'm done", and her ankle broke. Literally, walking from the bedroom to the living room, and her ankle snapped from all the weight and misuse of her body.
You would think that was the eye opener, that she would think about getting her act together.
No! Instead, she's using it as a pity party and having all of her friends spoil her rotten. Sitting on the couch, not moving at all, having her pity party wait on her hand and foot.

She is digging herself a grave and she's only 21 years old! How can you help someone that doesn't want help? And all we can do is sit back and watch. We talk to her, we give her suggestions, even her ankle braking does nothing.
I just want to punch her in the nose until she smartens up.

Thanks for letting me vent.

rml_16

Her weight and her body and her health are her business.

Why are you angry about someone else? I get you care about her, but unless she specifically asks for your help, she doesn't want it.

People give "excuses" to people who badger them because just saying, "I'm not interested" never shuts them up.

kayelrick

There is nothing wrong with letting off steam . . .

heybrit

I truly believe that people have to get to a "turning point" or a specific point in their lives and minds before they can truly commit to losing weight. She may want to be ready but she is not. It's not your problem anyway but if her complaining is too much for you to handle be direct with her and ask her flat out, "okay then, what are your plans to change?" By being forthright, she will probably shut up about it or maybe it'll make her actually think about it and start.

Either way, stop stressing over a problem that isn't yours.

MJ7910

some people just don't want to lose weight or think they can't do it. i'm sure we can remember when we were all in the position where we weren't willign to face that we should lose weight. maybe you can offer to go on a walk with her or something? or tell her about MFP?

daves160

I can understnd your concern, especial for the little girl. You can't do anything except tell her it is too difficult for you to watch her destroy herself and her daughter. And don't go around her.

bethdris

You can't help someone who won't help themselves...plain and simple. As much as it hurts your family to see her kill herself (literally) if she isn't willing to accept the help, there isn't much you can do.

All you can do is be a good example, and hope she using her brain!!

nehushtan

O was some pow'r the giftie gie us to see oursels as others see us.

Terriberry

I know it's frustrating to see someone waste their lives like that. But apparently she hasn't hit her "rock bottom". All the preaching in the world is not going to phase her until SHE makes the decision to do something about her weight. The best thing you can do is be there when she hits bottom. it sounds like she is very close. perhaps losing custody of her daughter might be the final straw. Time will tell. But in the meantime, dont lose YOUR focus worrying about her. Good luck.

ursy87

It doesn't matter how much you want her to do it, its up to her to have that same moment that all of us have had and thought, 'okay no more', it could happen tomorrow or next week, or unfortunately when something really bad happens to her health, but until she gets to that point herself, it won't make any difference how much you want it. You just need to be there to offer support when that time comes

cygnetpro

Wow! That's really shocking- she broke her ankle just walking? It's likely not just the weight but also osteoporosis caused by poor nutrition.

But I think you nailed it in the title of your post: someone that doesn't want help.

I'm a psych. She clearly has some investment in staying the way she is. Could be that failure is comfortable for her. Could be many other things. But don't make yourself crazy trying to drag her to help. I'm sure you know that won't work.

Continue to provide a good example for her (and more importantly, for her daughter), and try not to get too upset about it (although it is absolutely a maddening situation-- the ankle thing made me gasp!).

Good luck, and good for you on your own successes!

MJ7910

read this article. it could give you a lot of information about why people aren't willing to change sometimes. we use it a lot in counseling.

http://www.cellinteractive.com/ucla/physcian_ed/stages_change.html

Kaimana94

Only you can make yourself do something!!! I do feel bad for the child and I hope things workout for her.

anubis609

Unfortunate as it sounds, she will have to go through some dire trials in order for her to realize it herself. Not everyone is capable of seeing the truth for what it is and the reasons behind living a healthy, fulfilling life.

tlc4ever

All that energy you're wasting trying to change your SIL is just that ... wasted.

Why don't you find a more appropriate way to expend that energy?

I know I hate it when people tell me what I should or should not be doing. I'm a grown adult. Maybe your SIL feels the same way.

CarolynB38

That must be heart-breaking for you. I really hope you find a way to get through to her. Perhaps just tell her that you are there for her when she is ready to do something about it and that you hope she doesn't leave it too long because you are concerned about her and her daughter. Sometimes taking the pressure off can spur someone into action. She is possibly overwhelmed with the amount of weight she needs to do and she may be eating too much for emotional reasons. Unfortunately it is impossible to persuade someone of what they need to do if they just aren't ready and all you can do is be there when she is finally ready.

Congratulations on your weight loss. You're doing fantastically well. I really hope your sister in law sees the light soon :flowerforyou:

lizziebeth1028

My sil (sister-in-law) is FAT and LAZY. In all sense of the phrase. Everytime she comes over, all I hear is how great I'm doing on my weight loss and how she's going to start, too. Except every single time, the next time we see her, she's gained even more.

She's a good 300 lbs now. Her daughter is 5 years old and has been doctor ordered to lose weight. At 5 years old!!! That's just wrong!!! My sil's ex is taking her to court to get full custody of their daughter, now.

She uses every excuse in the book.
I have migraines..... That's because you're blood pressure is through the roof!
I don't have time..... There's 24 hrs in the day and you don't even work!
It hurts..... That's because your body isn't used to moving!
I can't afford a gym..... Can you afford a free sidewalk?
You name, she's come up with it.

What's really got my blood boiling... She was walking out of her bedroom and her body finally said "screw you lady, I'm done", and her ankle broke. Literally, walking from the bedroom to the living room, and her ankle snapped from all the weight and misuse of her body.
You would think that was the eye opener, that she would think about getting her act together.
No! Instead, she's using it as a pity party and having all of her friends spoil her rotten. Sitting on the couch, not moving at all, having her pity party wait on her hand and foot.

She is digging herself a grave and she's only 21 years old! How can you help someone that doesn't want help? And all we can do is sit back and watch. We talk to her, we give her suggestions, even her ankle braking does nothing.
I just want to punch her in the nose until she smartens up.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I so know your frustration! I have a dear friend who is morbidly obese and lazy. And yet she talks about dieting all the time and has tried every quick fix fad on the market. She is constantly asking me for advice on how to loose weight but then gets testy when I give it. And I give her just basics, eat healthy, watch your portions and start a walking program. It's not like I'm coming down all drill sargeant on her! She has every excuse in the book as well. And it is frustrating to see people you care about and who ask you for advice not take it!!!!

jessashcher

definately don't put so much of your energy into this, she obviously isn't ready for the help, however your niece is only 5 and doctors want her to lose weight. Try turning your attention to her and see about taking her out for walks or extra play time. I know my grandsons love to go on walks with me, we make it an adventure and they get extra exercise. They are not overweight but it's good to start young on exercising. If you keep focusing on your sister-in-law you will only be disappointed all the time and get stressed over it, you don't want to jeopardize your health for hers. Just sayin.

lizziebeth1028

Her weight and her body and her health are her business.

Why are you angry about someone else? I get you care about her, but unless she specifically asks for your help, she doesn't want it.

People give "excuses" to people who badger them because just saying, "I'm not interested" never shuts them up.

It's a vent, to help her feel better about a helpless situation. We all could use a good vent now and again. We're only human:))

crazytxmom

That has to be very difficult to watch someone you care about continuously not care about themselves. Hugs!!

Maria_Goose

I know, it sucks when people don't even see care.

I had this one friend and we were both fat together for a good part of highschool, but I decided to lose weight and I started looking better and better, but I still loved her like a friend should. I didn't treat her any differently. We still hung out, talked about the same stuff, everything. But, she began to shun me for my weightloss. We grew apart. It can be a very emotional journey.

Last I saw her, she had gained a LOT of weight. I felt so bad for her.

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do for this lady but be a shining example. Maybe one day, she'll wake up. Maybe show her to MFP.