It's so hard wanting to help someone that doesn't want help

H_Factor

while I understand your frustration, reality is that there's nothing you can so about SIL's diet plans. I know when my family nagged me about my weight, it just made me more stubborn (even though I knew they meant well). I've read similar things from others. My journey started only because I made the decision that it was time to start. Either your SIL will make that decision for herself, or her health will continue to go down hill.

perceptualobfuscator

Sadly, I don't think there's anything you can do. Be gently encouraging, if she asks for it - and only then. Trying to help someone who isn't interested will only make them feel angry and attacked.

I do think you have a right to say something if she introduces the topic of weight loss. She introduced the topic, so it's fine to discuss it. This is especially true if she is talking about your personal weight, rather just in general.

However, I doubt you'll have much success. I know that I've had people around me who would constantly talk about how they would eat healthier and exercise, but never would. If she doesn't want to do it, it won't happen. Concentrate on situations that you can have some control over, and give this up as futile until she takes some initiative on her own.

NinjaMonkey201

This was just really a vent. I see her once every few months, but whenever I do see her, all I ever hear from her is how, why, what, etc. to how I do it. I give her my input at the time, and the next time we see her, she's worse. I have never said anything to her (aka nagging her) about her weight, I've just told her what I do when she asks.
I honestly forget all about her, her problems, her weight until I see her again. Then it's just a surprise.
It just really got me because my mom-in-law called to let us know that her ankle was broken. So I needed to vent. I don't stress about her (I do about my niece, though), she's going to do what she wants to do.
It's just very sad.

And my hubby gave up on her a LONG time ago, when she got into drugs, drinking, only dating men that have a prison record (literally). She missed our wedding because she was hungover from the night before.

prdough

They say that you turn in to the people you hang around.

Maybe invite her to do things! To go bowling, to go to the mall, to take your niece to the park.

It will get her active, without knowing she is getting active!

dlyeates

I totally understand. Here is someone that seems to be crying out for help but then does everything they can to block that help with excuses. I heard a great way to think about excuses (you need a laugh).....Excuses are like A@@holes.....we all have them and they all stink.

Sorry couldn't help myself. But the best thing you can do is keep being a great example. She will need to hit her rock bottom. I've got a friend who is the same way with both weight loss and her debt. She knows I'm losing weight (and recently became debt free except for my home and student loans) and is always asking how I do it. I tell her and it sounds great to her but then she tells me she eats out, has breakfasts from McDonalds (and not oatmeal) with smoothies and eats a lot of prepackaged stuff full of preservatives/sodium/crap because she has no time, is tired, etc. Not good for weight or debt. I have little tolerance for someone who plays mouth service and then does these things. I've had to take a step back and then when she asks tell her what works for me and she has to make the choice.

But I totally understand. Be a healthy example to the little girl, invite them over for healthy meals, take the girl out and play with her. You can be an awesome healthy example!!!

ttrttrttr

I can understnd your concern, especial for the little girl. You can't do anything except tell her it is too difficult for you to watch her destroy herself and her daughter. And don't go around her.

this is my advice exactly.

stubbysticks

Oh, and for the love of Pete, take the phrase "fat and lazy" out of it. You can't help anyone for whom you feel disgust. People can feel that.

Agreed. @Ninja, I get that it was a vent & I have had the exact same feelings about others myself. But I wouldn't assume she doesn't WANT to change. For many who struggle with weight (or anything else, for that matter), they truly do want to change & just don't know how. Or maybe they've made attempts we don't know about & ended up discouraged because they weren't successful for any number of reasons. It's not like she's going to proclaim to the world (or you) that she tried to lose weight & failed.

I weighed 300+ lbs for a lot of years, & my mother & sister are both in the medical field. I know for a fact they worried about me & my health. I appreciate that they never harassed me about it, & the few times my mom did mention something, it was very nonjudgmental & she expressed genuine concern for my health. Never pressured me.

When my sister asked me to be matron of honor in her wedding a couple yrs ago I decided to give my weight loss an honest effort. I made healthier food choices & started a 10,000 steps program. Wore a pedometer & for over a month straight, I walked 10,000 or did some other equivalent activity (like swimming) & lost MAYBE 3 lbs. I was devastated. Plus I was sore & tired all the time & it wasn't worth it. I hadn't made it real public what I was doing, which was a relief because I gave up & stayed fat for another year after that.

Of course now I know that where I really went wrong was overexercising & not tracking my food. I ate tons of rice thinking it was a healthy choice, but only when I started logging food this last time around did I realize it's much higher in calories than I thought.

Give her credit for having those conversations with you about weight loss, I think it shows good intentions, & if you really want to help her, don't set expectations about what those conversations SHOULD result in. You can't know how much of it is "sticking." She may not be ready to take action yet, but at some point I think she will be or she would avoid the topic altogether.

Sounds like her self-esteem issues carry over into other aspects of her life (i.e. the drugs, dating etc.) & it's hard to overcome that kind of stuff. But it can be done, & by remaining a positive force in her life, you make it more likely she'll find her way out.