GUYS: Moving in with your girlfriend?

Options
13»

Replies

  • Fochizzy
    Fochizzy Posts: 505 Member
    Options
    Do NOT hope. Ask him flat out. You have to be able to talk to him about this stuff before you make this big move. If he doesn't change his ways and you don't like it it'll be harder to deal with then than now. This is such a big issue for you and you have to be able to bring this stuff up otherwise you are just going to get p!ssed off when he does something you didn't make him aware of. Given, he should know not to continue the bachelor life when he moves in but going ahead and hoping it all works out is a huge gamble.

    Talk talk talk!

    Never undervalue actually talking to each other
  • Sweet13_Princess
    Sweet13_Princess Posts: 1,207 Member
    Options
    I can relate. My husband is messy and disorganized, whereas, although I'm NOT a neat freak, I'm a lot neater than he is. Before we were married, we went back and forth between both of our houses for a while. Then, when his sold, he moved in six months before we actually got married.

    It has definately been an adjustment for me. His clutter sometimes stresses me out, but we try to set aside a day every two weeks so that we can organize everything. We tried a chores list and that didn't work, but we found a cleaning lady for cheap, so we have her every other week as well. It's a compromise for us, since he makes everything messy and I hate cleaning it up!!!

    So, my husband definately still acts like a bachelor, but there are ways to make things work if you have conversations about it and figure things out together. You won't be able to FORCE him into anything, though. Remember to work together so that you're both happy... that's the best kind of compromise.

    On a side note, I read that couples that live together before marriage are more likely to get a divorce, according to recent research on that topic.

    Shannon
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    Options

    On a side note, I read that couples that live together before marriage are more likely to get a divorce, according to recent research on that topic.

    i live with my boyfriend, and we're getting married next year... so i'll let u know how it works out!!

    that being said there is no way i would marry someone that i hadnt even lived with...
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    Options
    Nothing except the level of respect and the choices to be more involved in one another's lives should change. Be prepared to NOT set expectations of the other, because when you do, and they are not met...yor relationship will fail. This goes for both of you. Tha being said, you both need to sit down and lay out ground rules of what you door do not like about how the other lives and work together on those.
    Living together and hving a happy loving relationship is easy. You bothjust need to not lose the respect you have now, keep the desires forefront, and remember why you are together and show it.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    Options

    On a side note, I read that couples that live together before marriage are more likely to get a divorce, according to recent research on that topic.

    i live with my boyfriend, and we're getting married next year... so i'll let u know how it works out!!

    that being said there is no way i would marry someone that i hadnt even lived with...

    If everyone relied on statistics, the world would not be over populated, If you are worried about them, then you are one.
  • adjones5
    adjones5 Posts: 938 Member
    Options
    When I moved in with my ex he turned into a giant douche and expected me to be his slave.
  • alapoint89
    alapoint89 Posts: 632
    Options
    hey be prepared for the man to be a ****. they change because there is more women stuff less room they always complain and they leave their stuff everywhere. i found moldy socks from who knows when. but then again im married lol and my husband didnt do that but others did. but it all depends on the man
  • jennajava
    jennajava Posts: 2,176 Member
    Options
    And well, I have a 3 year old, which requires a bit more of a structured lifestyle, so that really isn't going to fly with me.

    I wouldn't let a man move in with me and my child, unless he were going to be there permanently. If you're not married, he has the option to leave, which means it could be really confusing to your child. But that's just me.
  • MrBrown72
    MrBrown72 Posts: 407 Member
    Options
    So...
    Is he going to "change" for you when you "lay down the law" after he moves in? ROFL
    is this your first relationship?

    Here's what you need to know;
    No one will change for you.
    You don't get to "lay down the rules" in a relationship unless it is with your own child .
    If you really think otherwise, don't bother, you're just going to mess up both your lives by moving in together and destroy whatever relationship you have.

    If you've moved in with your girlfriend.... did it make you a better boyfriend? I'm starting to re-think the plans my boyfriend and I have of moving in together after the first of the year..... As of now he's soooo used to the bachelor living, being able to do whatever whenever... getting home at 330AM in the middle of the week... And well, I have a 3 year old, which requires a bit more of a structured lifestyle, so that really isn't going to fly with me. It doesn't bother me now because I don't have to deal with it at this time...

    SO my question is, is it typical to "shape up" when you move in with your girlfriend? I've never lived with a boyfriend up to this point, so all I can do is hope.... haaaa BUT I don't want to get stuck. Fear of commitment maybe?? lol...

    Opinions? Advice?
  • agwilker
    agwilker Posts: 104 Member
    Options
    Obviously, like a lot of people have said, your child is the most important in this situation. That being said, speaking from experience, there is only so much he will truly change.

    Even then, it's really easy to give someone a laundry list of "in order to live together, you must be able to 1)do this..2)do that, etc". Sure, the first several months it may be easy and smooth and he's eager. But sometimes, there will come a time when the other person is either resentful of having to "change" or feels like they are losing themselves.

    I would be worried when OR if that time comes, how it would affect your child.
  • raven56706
    raven56706 Posts: 918 Member
    Options
    never works out the way everyone thinks. Majority of the time, it will be the worst case scenario. Everyone is different and some people will be willing to change but it wont come easy. Wait til your married.
  • autumnridge
    autumnridge Posts: 97 Member
    Options
    A book by Bill Bennett just came out in which he discusses his theory that men are actually the weaker sex. Because women have become so much stronger, better educated, and find they can do well on their own, men are less likely to "settle down" to a couples sort of lifestyle. They have not learned how to be a man which they are supposed to learn from fathers and other male role models as they are growing up. Men do not do as well on their own. I realize this is not exactly the answer you need, but I guess I am trying to suggest you put your child's needs first in this situation. Is this a person who really likes kids? Is this person someone who can be a role model for your child? How will it affect your child to change living style? Is this person someone you would entrust with the life of your child? Is this person willing to share in the day to day routine of keeping a home or is that going to be just your responsibility? These are things you probably should work out before you make your decision or you may not be living together long.
    Good luck with whatever you decide.
  • sleepytexan
    sleepytexan Posts: 3,138 Member
    Options
    I would not move in with someone unless married, but especially when you have a young child in tow. Just fodder for the ex to use against you in any future custody / visitation / child support dispute.

    Not to mention the fact that it is a poor example for the child and confusing when you break up and the child will no longer see the SO.
  • MFPAddict
    MFPAddict Posts: 2,303 Member
    Options
    Not to mention the fact that it is a poor example for the child and confusing when you break up and the child will no longer see the SO.

    I wanted to say the same thing but thought it would be better received from a woman. Unfortunately, I have witness this issue with my sister & nephew. The poor kid doesn't know what a real relationship is supposed to be like. Not only does he witness poor relationships, when they end it is like he is losing one of his buddies. The poor kid is starved for a father figure and attaches to every loser my sister brings home.
  • mtkautz
    mtkautz Posts: 218 Member
    Options
    Not to mention the fact that it is a poor example for the child and confusing when you break up and the child will no longer see the SO.

    I wanted to say the same thing but thought it would be better received from a woman. Unfortunately, I have witness this issue with my sister & nephew. The poor kid doesn't know what a real relationship is supposed to be like. Not only does he witness poor relationships, when they end it is like he is losing one of his buddies. The poor kid is starved for a father figure and attaches to every loser my sister brings home.

    This is exactly why I haven't lived with anyone. And the main reason I am reluctant to--I see too many kids that call every man Daddy. My boyfriend is the only one that my daughter has known, I was engaged before but we broke up before my daughter was old enough to know any better, and my current bf is the first relationship since then. She has seen her real "dad" a few times.... but doesn't, and probably will never, know he's her "dad" because well... He isn't. He may have donated the sperm.. but that's about it. My current BF is the closest thing she's ever known to a Dad, but she still calls him Justin.. I am very conscience of this... I don't want her to grow up being unsure of her surroundings because they changed so much.
  • voluptas63
    voluptas63 Posts: 602 Member
    Options
    My Mom did this frequently when I was a kid. Please don't do this unless you're married or going to marry this man. I can't even begin to describe the emotion damage it does on a child to have a father figure and then they're gone. If you have doubts, which it seems you possibly do, please don't move in together.

    Good luck.
  • ShannonMarie81
    ShannonMarie81 Posts: 88
    Options
    I would suggest that you have a talk with him. Moving in is a big step and not something you should do with doubts. Ask him if he expects to continue his late nights out (and any other things you think you might need to discuss). You will both undoubtedly need to make some changes and adjustments, but some things are deal breakers. If you are really ready to move in, it shouldn't be difficult to have this conversation. He might surprise you and be totally on board with a more settled, domestic life with you.

    I agree with this 100% and Kudos to you for thinking 1st about your 3 year old!! Personally I think it's a huge step and shouldn't be taken lightly and I would wait until marriage to move in...but everyone is different!
  • barbiex3
    barbiex3 Posts: 1,036 Member
    Options

    Relationships go from

    Dating,
    to
    Spending most of our time together but not living together,
    to
    We might as well live together for time, energy and financial reasons
    to
    we have lived together for x years, or we want to have children together and so it's time we got engaged
    to
    Married


    I LOVE THIS!
    perfect. :D !


    I live with my boyfriend. We have not changed anything since we've moved in together. You know what is best!

Categories