Relationship advice

Mallory0418

I need some opinions...

I don't really know what to do anymore. Lately, since I really started having success with my weight loss, my husband does not seem interested in me... We've been married for about 2 1/2 years and the first 8 months were spent apart (he's in the Military). As I have been losing weight, I'm starting to feel a lot better about myself and I can honestly say I am happy now! I can't say I'm completely happy because I don't know what went wrong with us. There is VERY little affection in our relationship anymore. I'll get a quick peck on the cheek or lips every now and then but very little more than that. No passion what so ever. Normally, I would keep this issue between the two of us, but I've talked with him several times about this and he just keeps telling me "Nothing's wrong" and "I know I need to work on it", but then continues acting like he doesn't want much to do with me. And I don't know anyone around here so I'm getting a little desperate.

I don't want him to feel like it's all his fault. I'm not the perfect wife, but I have been trying really hard to make him happy. It's getting exhausting and I'm feeling myself becoming less motivated to keep trying. I had to uproot myself when we got married and move across the country where I don't know anyone to be with him. And now to have it be like this after barely 2 years of finally being together, I hate to say that it's making me a little resentful.

I knew things would get less...exciting...as we got older, but I'm only 23!! I read on these threads all the time how people say things like, "If he doesn't seem interested in you, that means he's not" and "If he wanted it, he would make it happen". I tell the same thing to girls who are trying to get with a guy who's not committing! I'm afraid he's not attracted to or interested in me anymore. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I don't know how to fix it! Any advice or input would be appreciated but I would really love to get a guy's perspective on what could be going on...

cppeace

I'm so sorry thing seem to be going south honey. Maybe he is just stressed or something right now. All you can do is try and if he won't talk about it or contribute something is def wrong. Follow your instincts and don't stay in a realtionship where you are unhappy for too long.
Wish I could hug you
Kimmy

essjay75

I too am a military wife, and found amazing success with Tony Robbins Ultimate Relationship Program-even though I was the only one doing it, and applying what I learned. It literally saved my marriage.

Runner_mick

I am hoping he is not cheating but maybe some couples counseling would benefit you both. Get to the root of the problem. I am kind of in the same boat with my relationship and trying to work on the physical aspect of it. Good luck

fionat29

Could he perhaps be worried about how attractive you are getting to be, to other guys?? Maybe he's worried that you losing weight will mean you're going to go off with someone else. Try reassuring him that you're not going anywhere, that losing weight is for your health and happiness and no other reason.

mamafrahm

Maybe it isn't that he isn't attracted to you, maybe that he doesn't find himself attractive? I'm guessing that since he's in the military he is in pretty good shape, but maybe he's feeling unworthy of your hotness? Intimidated, maybe?
Sometimes you have to grab the bull by the horns..... If you want it, go get it!!! If he STILL doesn't want anything to do with you, then I'd say you have a problem and should seek counseling.

Degator

Read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray and/or The 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. Both books deal with this kind of problem, sure wish I had read them before she left.

sarah_ep

There are so many things that can cause this. He said he "needs to work on it" but what exactly is he working on or having problems with?

acraft83

I was a military wife, moved 16 hours away at just 17 years old, etc. I went through weight gains and losses with my husband. I know that one issue he had was that he felt like I lost and was looking great when he was deployed, but then when he came back I would gain it back. This was true and for a number of reasons....we go out to eat when he's home, I'm cooking full meals for two instead of a sandwich or something equally as low calorie if it's just me, etc. Thus, I think he began to wonder why I wanted to lose the weight, he wasn't benefiting from it, etc, I explained why it was easier to lose with him gone and some of the insecurities were silenced. However, that may not be his issue at all. My first husband passed away and I have remarried, like yourself we've been together for 2.5 years. I think it is natural for men to look at us are more of their best friend, a constant in their life, someone who will always be there after a short time of being married to us. These things can be great, except if they forget that we are their bff's and their wives and we need the romance, passion, affection that a normal bff does not. Keep working at it! Also, the military will keep deploying him, giving him short field exercises where he's gone for short spurts, etc. This is something you can't help, so use it! Make those periods times of absence where the heart grows fonder. Knock his socks off with new lingerie when he gets back, visit him on base for lunch unexpectedly, new hair do, etc!

UsedToBeHusky

First off, forget the "he's just not that into you" crap! This is your husband we are talking about. He would not have married you if he didn't love you. Secondly, have you really talked to him about why you have chosen to lose weight. Some men kind of think that if you make a change during the course of your relationship that it is because of another man. I'm not saying that is what he thinks, but you might just clarify with him your reasons for the weight loss. You also might want to "put the moves on him" so to speak. You know, women don't always get in the mood easily, unlike men. They have to put a lot of effort into turning us on. Sometimes they get tired of having to make the effort. Sometimes they like to feel wanted.

GeauxDonielle

I can't comment with help on military part. When I start losing weight- I wanted more s3x from him and became more confident and stding my ground things started going that way for us top we also just hit the 2yr wedding anniversary mark. We talked over whether it was insecurity issues or something else. Turned out to be mostly insecurity

Qoute:? Maybe he's worried that you losing weight will mean you're going to go off with someone else. Try reassuring him that you're not going anywhere, that losing weight is for your health and happiness and no other reason.

Mallory0418

There are so many things that can cause this. He said he "needs to work on it" but what exactly is he working on or having problems with?

Exactly my question. I don't know what the problem is! He says he knows he needs to "make more of an effort". Don't get me wrong, we still get along fine and have a good time together. But that's all there is, it feels like we're roommates/buddies. I love that we are such good friends but that's not all I want out of a relationship.

BigDaddyBRC

TALK TO HIM. We are not mind-readers. There has to be something on his mind that pulls him away.

There could be some underlying stress that he doesn't want to lay on you. Has he seen action? May he be experiencing PTSD? You will not know unless you ask.

Remember that attraction goes beyond looks when you are married. Maybe between the two you are becoming complacent with your relationshuip. Are you spending enough time together. Do you ask him to work out with you? Are you having "us" time?

There is a great book out there I suggest to both of you...The 5 Languages of Love. Great easy read...resinstills the knowledge you already have, but brings forth where you may be complacent.

Lastly, if he doesnt want to work on the relationship...its because he's already left it. Painful to accept, but an honest truth

sunkisses

I'd be talking about leaving. I know it's drastic for most people, but that's the way I am. What I've found is that when I do this, my partner begins to find our relationship important again. Unfortunately for my partners, I wasn't saying it to elicit a reaction. I really meant it. Use this knowledge wisely. The sole purpose of a relationship *for me* would be for love and affection. I also refuse to deal with someone who is knowingly hurting me, but can't be bothered to do something about it.

ETA: Was/is your husband in combat? My advice above does not apply to people who are going through some kind of trauma. That always takes first place in a person's psyche. See if he's ok. My friends who've come back are not okay a lot of the time. I can't imagine how some of them can function here after the things they had to do over there.

JanaH22

Why dont you have a date night? Both of you can dress up and go out for a nice romantic dinner where he might be a little more open about his emotions.
Dont push him to be open though. Just let him know that you are aware things have changed and that you are sure he has noticed the difference in your relationship from when you were first together. Tell him you would appreciate his honesty and that you understand he will need to open up to you when he is ready. Then give him time. I guarantee he will spill whats been on his mind much sooner than you think.

bethvandenberg

maybe due to some job related stress he's not able to perform to his best abilities.... Was he always a go getter if you know what I mean? Has the satisfaction just recently waned? I would definitely talk with him and see if he's willing to talk with another professional. You say he's in the military did he deploy? The issue probably has nothing to do with you. It's just you that is having to deal with it. Hold your head high, keep doing what you're doing, and try to get to the root of the issue. At 23 things shouldn't be slowing down unless you've got like 8 babies running around or something...

As my Mom once told me, "Marriage is the hardest job you'll ever have." It takes two to make it work and definitely it's important to have a physical as well as emotional bond. How's the other stuff? Is he talkative? Is he friendly? Do you do stuff together?

I have a friend who never gets any from her man. Seriously once a year. It seems to be what he's into. IDK I have the opposite problem at my house. LOL. She goes back and forth with the issue but they've been married almost 10 years now so it can't be that bad. I hope that isn't your issue.

You hang in there and you'll know when you know, if you know what I mean.

manderson27

There could be a million reasons why he is acting this way, it doesn't have to be another woman, it could be something physical that he is embarrassed about or maybe you said something without realising it that he found hurtful (I did that once and am still paying for it on occasion)

All you can do is keep asking why he doesn't want to make love any more. Tell him that no matter what the reason is you need to know. That it is not being fair because, if you knew what was wrong you could at least make an informed decision on what to do to resolve the situation.

Having said that men can be dumber than mud when it comes to relationships so I wish you luck.

sarah_ep

There are so many things that can cause this. He said he "needs to work on it" but what exactly is he working on or having problems with?

Exactly my question. I don't know what the problem is! He says he knows he needs to "make more of an effort". Don't get me wrong, we still get along fine and have a good time together. But that's all there is, it feels like we're roommates/buddies. I love that we are such good friends but that's not all I want out of a relationship.

Been through this as well, and around the same time period (actually sooner). Once again, there are some many causes and reasons why this can happen. Offer to work with him on his problem, what can you do to help him through it. If counseling is needed then go. You really can't do much till you know what the problem actually is. Making or pondering assumptions/theories will only make your imagination go to dark places and cause unnecessary fret or pain.

UsedToBeHusky

ETA: Was/is your husband in combat? My advice above does not apply to people who are going through some kind of trauma. That always takes first place in a person's psyche. See if he's ok. My friends who've come back are not okay a lot of the time. I can't imagine how some of them can function here after the things they had to do over there.

This is a good point here. My friend's husband has PTSD and it has affected their sex life.

Mallory0418

I started an "tradition" for us in an attempt to rekindle the romance: Date night once a week. It's a nice change but it's been 2 weeks any he's already tried to cancel once. And I tell him all the time how lucky I am to be with him and that he's stuck with me... As much as I feel more confident about myself, it is still a little hard for me instigate "us" time. The last time I tried, he got annoyed and now I'm afraid to ever try again. I told him it was fine when he realized he hurt my feelings but inside, the rejection really hurt and made me feel like something was really wrong with me.

ThePhoenixRose

i'm going through this same thing right now, minus the military part. i want him, he pushes me away, both literally and figuratively. It sucks...

i don'w have any answers for you, other than if you get the feeling something's not right, it's probably not. Unfortunately. We're starting counseling next thursday. i'll let you know how that goes...

Mallory0418

He hasn't been deployed in over a year, and even then he was not involved in combat. We made sure all was well with him when he returned but he assured me there was nothing that went on while he was there that would make him upset for any reason.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

I'm a Navy wife and I know it's tough, but Big Daddy is right-- there's no way for us to know what your husband is thinking. You have to get him to talk to you. Even if he hasn't been in combat, the military can be pretty exhausting. My hubby is working 16 hour shifts right now and it's tough on both of us.

On the other side, I've been through a divorce and I felt like my husband and I were getting along well but were more like roommates, and it turned out he was having an affair. So, like Big Daddy so wisely said, we just can't know.

cat3nv

ETA: Was/is your husband in combat? My advice above does not apply to people who are going through some kind of trauma. That always takes first place in a person's psyche. See if he's ok. My friends who've come back are not okay a lot of the time. I can't imagine how some of them can function here after the things they had to do over there.

This is a good point here. My friend's husband has PTSD and it has affected their sex life.

^^^^^ This^^^^ my thoughts exactly! I have several friends who when they came home things were just not the same. They do not know the routine, their kids and or spouse has changed. Life moved on with out them. There is a re-adjustment time they must go through.

If you think it is PTSD find help for him. Other wise give him time to come around. Watch fireproof, read the love dare (same thing), get marriage counseling.

Good luck!

mello50

Hi , Your message got my attention because I too have a similar situation in my relationship. We are older than you but have only been together for 10 years. It was about 4-5 years into the relationship when things started slowing down. It has now been almost 5 years since we had any amount of intimacy..meaning no intercourse..not at all, not even after being out partying!! I love him and I know he loves me but his sex drive has died. I can be almost certain that it was not because of me..if anything, I had become hotter than ever...lost 60 lbs over 1-2 years. I approached him lots , eventually the rejection got to me so bad and the resentment built up. I'm like you...I don't know what to do. I certainly consider leaving ( we are C-L , no children).
An added piece of this which I haven't already mentioned...which I'm ify about saying because I don't want you to think the same thing could happen to you...but I ended up gaining my 60 lbs back and I can't blame him for that, but the way I was feeling in my relationship was a big part of the negatives which were floating around it my head. I have been in that 'sad' state for the past 3-4 years and just started getting my groove back while over the past 6 months. I have 25 lbs off and trip to Jamaica coming up next month!! Stella may get her groove back!

Mallory0418

Watch fireproof, read the love dare (same thing)
Good luck!
[/quote]

This is essentually what I'm doing. I have to watch it, and re-watch to keep going sometimes. I love him unconditionally but it is VERY hard to make such a determined effort with very little coming from the other end... Thank you for the support.

UsedToBeHusky

I started an "tradition" for us in an attempt to rekindle the romance: Date night once a week. It's a nice change but it's been 2 weeks any he's already tried to cancel once. And I tell him all the time how lucky I am to be with him and that he's stuck with me... As much as I feel more confident about myself, it is still a little hard for me instigate "us" time. The last time I tried, he got annoyed and now I'm afraid to ever try again. I told him it was fine when he realized he hurt my feelings but inside, the rejection really hurt and made me feel like something was really wrong with me.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't want to say too much because I don't know you or him. But know this... there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

PlanetVelma

He hasn't been deployed in over a year, and even then he was not involved in combat. We made sure all was well with him when he returned but he assured me there was nothing that went on while he was there that would make him upset for any reason.

Not all people who suffer from PTSD have seen combat...

Perhaps its other "work" type stuff that is getting to him? I would sit down and have a heart to heart and see what he has to say. Be clear and concise with him, let him know he hurt your feelings and how he did that. Get feedback from him on how you both can spend time with each other.

Hell I'd even tell him, "Okay on Mon, Wed, Fri & Sat I want some booty, buddy. So be ready to put out!" At the bare minimum you'll get his attention. LOL

On a serious note, if he won't consider therapy, go by yourself. Sometimes therapy can help give you tools to help you be a better communicator, etc...

Mallory0418

Hi , Your message got my attention because I too have a similar situation in my relationship. We are older than you but have only been together for 10 years. It was about 4-5 years into the relationship when things started slowing down. It has now been almost 5 years since we had any amount of intimacy..meaning no intercourse..not at all, not even after being out partying!! I love him and I know he loves me but his sex drive has died. I can be almost certain that it was not because of me..if anything, I had become hotter than ever...lost 60 lbs over 1-2 years. I approached him lots , eventually the rejection got to me so bad and the resentment built up. I'm like you...I don't know what to do. I certainly consider leaving ( we are C-L , no children).
An added piece of this which I haven't already mentioned...which I'm ify about saying because I don't want you to think the same thing could happen to you...but I ended up gaining my 60 lbs back and I can't blame him for that, but the way I was feeling in my relationship was a big part of the negatives which were floating around it my head. I have been in that 'sad' state for the past 3-4 years and just started getting my groove back while over the past 6 months. I have 25 lbs off and trip to Jamaica coming up next month!! Stella may get her groove back!

We don't have any children either and our work schedules do conflict a bit but it's not a terrible situation. For some reason, the more stressed I get about this, the harder I find myself pushing myself at the gym. It's an amazing stress reliever.

_Timmeh_

Is he taking any medication for depression or anxiety?

cat3nv

There was an episode of private practice, but it was based on some medical knowledge. I used to work in a medical lab so I do know this was almost right.

The man after seeing a psychiatrist was still not feeling it. He had a cyst on his pituitary gland. Perhaps some hormone testing to rule out any medical abnormalities?

Usually free and total testosterone is checked, but if you see a Dr who knows enough about endocrinology he will check estrogen and progesterone. Men and women have both. Only at different levels. If the "female" hormones are high in the man there is a problem.