Relationship advice

Mallory0418

He hasn't been deployed in over a year, and even then he was not involved in combat. We made sure all was well with him when he returned but he assured me there was nothing that went on while he was there that would make him upset for any reason.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

I'm a Navy wife and I know it's tough, but Big Daddy is right-- there's no way for us to know what your husband is thinking. You have to get him to talk to you. Even if he hasn't been in combat, the military can be pretty exhausting. My hubby is working 16 hour shifts right now and it's tough on both of us.

On the other side, I've been through a divorce and I felt like my husband and I were getting along well but were more like roommates, and it turned out he was having an affair. So, like Big Daddy so wisely said, we just can't know.

cat3nv

ETA: Was/is your husband in combat? My advice above does not apply to people who are going through some kind of trauma. That always takes first place in a person's psyche. See if he's ok. My friends who've come back are not okay a lot of the time. I can't imagine how some of them can function here after the things they had to do over there.

This is a good point here. My friend's husband has PTSD and it has affected their sex life.

^^^^^ This^^^^ my thoughts exactly! I have several friends who when they came home things were just not the same. They do not know the routine, their kids and or spouse has changed. Life moved on with out them. There is a re-adjustment time they must go through.

If you think it is PTSD find help for him. Other wise give him time to come around. Watch fireproof, read the love dare (same thing), get marriage counseling.

Good luck!

mello50

Hi , Your message got my attention because I too have a similar situation in my relationship. We are older than you but have only been together for 10 years. It was about 4-5 years into the relationship when things started slowing down. It has now been almost 5 years since we had any amount of intimacy..meaning no intercourse..not at all, not even after being out partying!! I love him and I know he loves me but his sex drive has died. I can be almost certain that it was not because of me..if anything, I had become hotter than ever...lost 60 lbs over 1-2 years. I approached him lots , eventually the rejection got to me so bad and the resentment built up. I'm like you...I don't know what to do. I certainly consider leaving ( we are C-L , no children).
An added piece of this which I haven't already mentioned...which I'm ify about saying because I don't want you to think the same thing could happen to you...but I ended up gaining my 60 lbs back and I can't blame him for that, but the way I was feeling in my relationship was a big part of the negatives which were floating around it my head. I have been in that 'sad' state for the past 3-4 years and just started getting my groove back while over the past 6 months. I have 25 lbs off and trip to Jamaica coming up next month!! Stella may get her groove back!

Mallory0418

Watch fireproof, read the love dare (same thing)
Good luck!
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This is essentually what I'm doing. I have to watch it, and re-watch to keep going sometimes. I love him unconditionally but it is VERY hard to make such a determined effort with very little coming from the other end... Thank you for the support.

UsedToBeHusky

I started an "tradition" for us in an attempt to rekindle the romance: Date night once a week. It's a nice change but it's been 2 weeks any he's already tried to cancel once. And I tell him all the time how lucky I am to be with him and that he's stuck with me... As much as I feel more confident about myself, it is still a little hard for me instigate "us" time. The last time I tried, he got annoyed and now I'm afraid to ever try again. I told him it was fine when he realized he hurt my feelings but inside, the rejection really hurt and made me feel like something was really wrong with me.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't want to say too much because I don't know you or him. But know this... there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

PlanetVelma

He hasn't been deployed in over a year, and even then he was not involved in combat. We made sure all was well with him when he returned but he assured me there was nothing that went on while he was there that would make him upset for any reason.

Not all people who suffer from PTSD have seen combat...

Perhaps its other "work" type stuff that is getting to him? I would sit down and have a heart to heart and see what he has to say. Be clear and concise with him, let him know he hurt your feelings and how he did that. Get feedback from him on how you both can spend time with each other.

Hell I'd even tell him, "Okay on Mon, Wed, Fri & Sat I want some booty, buddy. So be ready to put out!" At the bare minimum you'll get his attention. LOL

On a serious note, if he won't consider therapy, go by yourself. Sometimes therapy can help give you tools to help you be a better communicator, etc...

Mallory0418

Hi , Your message got my attention because I too have a similar situation in my relationship. We are older than you but have only been together for 10 years. It was about 4-5 years into the relationship when things started slowing down. It has now been almost 5 years since we had any amount of intimacy..meaning no intercourse..not at all, not even after being out partying!! I love him and I know he loves me but his sex drive has died. I can be almost certain that it was not because of me..if anything, I had become hotter than ever...lost 60 lbs over 1-2 years. I approached him lots , eventually the rejection got to me so bad and the resentment built up. I'm like you...I don't know what to do. I certainly consider leaving ( we are C-L , no children).
An added piece of this which I haven't already mentioned...which I'm ify about saying because I don't want you to think the same thing could happen to you...but I ended up gaining my 60 lbs back and I can't blame him for that, but the way I was feeling in my relationship was a big part of the negatives which were floating around it my head. I have been in that 'sad' state for the past 3-4 years and just started getting my groove back while over the past 6 months. I have 25 lbs off and trip to Jamaica coming up next month!! Stella may get her groove back!

We don't have any children either and our work schedules do conflict a bit but it's not a terrible situation. For some reason, the more stressed I get about this, the harder I find myself pushing myself at the gym. It's an amazing stress reliever.

_Timmeh_

Is he taking any medication for depression or anxiety?

cat3nv

There was an episode of private practice, but it was based on some medical knowledge. I used to work in a medical lab so I do know this was almost right.

The man after seeing a psychiatrist was still not feeling it. He had a cyst on his pituitary gland. Perhaps some hormone testing to rule out any medical abnormalities?

Usually free and total testosterone is checked, but if you see a Dr who knows enough about endocrinology he will check estrogen and progesterone. Men and women have both. Only at different levels. If the "female" hormones are high in the man there is a problem.

Mallory0418

No depression or anxiety meds. Since he's in the military he gets checked for every little thing regularly.

kenzietea

Therapy! Sometimes it is as simple as he doesn't know how to vocalize what the problem is. Or maybe YOU aren't communicating correctly. Or maybe a therapist would make him feel comfortable enough to tell you what the problem is. Who knows, but going to a few sessions can't hurt, and therapy doesn't mean you are screwed up or doomed to failure. It is good for everyone to check in once in a while. Nobody and no relationship is perfect. If you can't afford it/insurance doesn't cover it, there are plenty of centers that charge based off of what you can afford, many times you even get therapy for free.

That being said, are you bringing this up a lot? Some men don't work well under pressure. Maybe quit talking about the lack of affection for a while. Give it a month and see if backing off has helped. Sometimes it helps a lot! Also, do you ever make the first move? Maybe you coming onto him will take some of the pressure off

My fiance and I went through something similar. I continue to lose weight and get in shape, and he seemed to have lost interest. Apparently I was just bringing it up all the time, and the pressure was causing him to worry more than fix the problem. The second I shut up, was the second things got much much better and are continuing to get better (he also unfortunately had a time period where he was under a lot of stress with a new job and hadn't worked out as much, also contributing factors to his lack of libido)

babyworms

I'm so sorry to hear you're having these issues. My partner and i have been together nearly 18 months and we're getting married in January, and we've recently finally dealt with the same issue. He kept blaming his lack of 'interest' in stress, work, so much going on etc, and finally when there was nothing else to blame we sat down and had a huge talk about it.
I ended up going to see my parents in another state for an undecided amount of time for us to actually think about whether we wanted to be together, whether he felt he could change and put in more of an effort for my sake, and whether i could manage being in a relationship where not all my needs were met.

Long (LONG) story short, the fact that i actually put out the words "Should we actually get married?" and told him in no uncertain terms that if he didn't make me feel appreciated/sexy/good about myself, there was a high chance that i would leave him one day, made him really realise what he was doing to me and how much he was hurting me.

Things are a million times better now, and he puts in so much more effort... so maybe making your hubby REALLY see what sort of impact his actiions are having on you could help?