Cutting off communication with a family member

Valechka

Could not imagine it. Even if the person would be not so nice, I would have diplomatic peace rather then having war or neglect. I would not feel comfy with that. But I did broke relation with coulpe of my so call friends...And still miss one of them sometimes. Family is diffent for me...

Jade_Butterfly

I wouldn't cut him off altogether, but I would definitely limit my contact to miniscule amounts and him exactly why. . . then from there I would pray for them. .

Elizabeth_C34

Could not imagine it. Even if the person would be not so nice, I would have diplomatic peace rather then having war or neglect. I would not feel comfy with that. But I did broke relation with coulpe of my so call friends...And still miss one of them sometimes. Family is diffent for me...

This is my hangup. I'm fiercely loyal to my family for the most part. I feel like a diplomatic peace is only possible if he's willing to stop his behavior.

_GlaDOS_

Absolutely I have, and no, I do not regret my decision. Just because they are family, doesn't mean they get to treat you like crap.

countrydarling1

Yes, I quit talking to my mom's brother & dont regret it one bit.

LisaKyle11

no.
but i really should.

SaucyPeas

Yes. and Yes.

When I was 18 I cut off all communication with my mother because she was also a very toxic person. For the first year I tried repeatedly to allow her back in my life but finally gave up. I saw her 2 times in the next 17 years and didnt really feel like she was a very different person.

About 5 years ago every once in a while I would do a google search on her name and see if I could find out her address. Every time I did that there would be 5 of them and I wouldnt know really which one was hers and I never got up the courage to call.

Two years ago I did that google search and a link came up for a company that my mother worked at when I was a young child and I thought that was strange so I clicked the link. Sure enough it was a company profile and had my mothers picture on it. For the next 2 hours I sat at my chair with that page up and every few minutes I would go back and look at the page. It took me 2 hours to gain the courage to call that number and ask for my mother. When the receptionist answered the phone and I asked for my mother by name the girl on the phone paused for a good 20 or 30 seconds and then she said my first and middle name. I was a little shocked and I said yes and she said "hold on". About a minute later she came back and said "Sweety where are you" and I replied I was at home. She said "your mother passed away yesterday evening" and I said "thank you" and hung up the phone.

Those last years my mother had changed drastically and had told many stories about me to her co-workers that I found out after her funeral during discussions with them. My mother had even told them she had been a bad parent and that she regretted what all she had done to myself and my brother through out the years. She wouldnt even join people for holidays she sat at home waiting to see if we might show up.

After I found out all of this I felt horrible. Why had I waited so long, why had I not tried earlier to contact her. My mother had a rough time of it the last year as she had been battling cancer pretty much alone. I'm not really sure I will ever really forgive myself or her for putting us both in that position to not be able to enjoy each other at the end.

My mother was a very toxic person, but she was still my mother and I still loved her. Try having less contact with your dad and see if that helps.

cramernh

My...

mother
father
sister
step-brother
two uncles
one aunt
a mess load of cousins....
mother-in-law
sister-in-law

Do I regret this? NOT ONE BIT.... Too many problems arise from them, too much drama and Im just not in the mood to be treated like s*** and walked all over.

The top of the list is my mother. She is a very toxic, ragingly mad woman with a serious alcohol problem who will cut you down and treat you like garbage just to make herself feel better about her self.... the numerous nights of her calling my house drunk as a skunk and getting downright nasty was stopped immediately. Even had to call the police because it got THAT bad!

Just because you are related doesnt mean they can walk all over you and still come over for dinner. While Im definitely not a person to hold anger continuously, I am someone who will definitely make it known that their garbage will NEVER be tolerated and if I have to draw a line that severs any sort of communication, its because they have left me no choice.

branflake5

this sounds like my life.... my dad and i were pretty close when i was a kid. but he changed or i opened my eyes not sure which. he is a manipulative liar who uses anyone and everyone he can. about 5 years ago he tried to force me to go to court for him during his 3rd divorce and lie about his wife so he would get the kids (i have a brother n sister who r much much younger than i am), simply because he did not want to pay child support. i refused to do it, i am not a liar and certainly would never tell lies that could cause a mother to lose her children. when i refused he disowned me and also turned the rest of my family from his side against me, i have not talked to any of them in 5 yrs. i tried to talk to him about 2 yrs ago i called at christmas time and he asked who i was, i said brandy, he said brandy who.... and then hung up. i have also tried to contact my grandma: his mom, she won't talk to me at all either. so i just let it go. i am really ok with it, he was not a good person. every now and then the thought of him dying and me not evening knowing or being contacted upsets me but i have accepted that too. i moved from cincinnati to la county about 6 months ago and know that there is a very good chance i will never see him or any of my paternal family again.

it is a sorry situation, but u have the think of ur own happiness for once. sorry u r going through this, i hope u make the right choice for u.

Elizabeth_C34

Thank you all so much for opening up on here. As horrible as it sounds, it's nice to not feel so alone in this. My husband loves me and backs me 100% but he doesn't really understand it. His family is really wonderful.

I've got a lot to chew on in the coming days.

Thank you again for the support and for sharing.

Lisa_222

You don't have to cut him out of your life if you set limits. If things get out of hand, he has to leave your home or you leave his and stick to it. It's no different than training a toddler. He will learn to behave himself. If he can't or won't, you can't be responsible for him cutting himself out of your life because not behaving is a decision in itself. But he is your dad and I'd give him a chance. Some people just need to be taught how to be decent people.

Jade_Butterfly

Yes. and Yes.

When I was 18 I cut off all communication with my mother because she was also a very toxic person. For the first year I tried repeatedly to allow her back in my life but finally gave up. I saw her 2 times in the next 17 years and didnt really feel like she was a very different person.

About 5 years ago every once in a while I would do a google search on her name and see if I could find out her address. Every time I did that there would be 5 of them and I wouldnt know really which one was hers and I never got up the courage to call.

Two years ago I did that google search and a link came up for a company that my mother worked at when I was a young child and I thought that was strange so I clicked the link. Sure enough it was a company profile and had my mothers picture on it. For the next 2 hours I sat at my chair with that page up and every few minutes I would go back and look at the page. It took me 2 hours to gain the courage to call that number and ask for my mother. When the receptionist answered the phone and I asked for my mother by name the girl on the phone paused for a good 20 or 30 seconds and then she said my first and middle name. I was a little shocked and I said yes and she said "hold on". About a minute later she came back and said "Sweety where are you" and I replied I was at home. She said "your mother passed away yesterday evening" and I said "thank you" and hung up the phone.

Those last years my mother had changed drastically and had told many stories about me to her co-workers that I found out after her funeral during discussions with them. My mother had even told them she had been a bad parent and that she regretted what all she had done to myself and my brother through out the years. She wouldnt even join people for holidays she sat at home waiting to see if we might show up.

After I found out all of this I felt horrible. Why had I waited so long, why had I not tried earlier to contact her. My mother had a rough time of it the last year as she had been battling cancer pretty much alone. I'm not really sure I will ever really forgive myself or her for putting us both in that position to not be able to enjoy each other at the end.

My mother was a very toxic person, but she was still my mother and I still loved her. Try having less contact with your dad and see if that helps.

Wow. . what an incredibly painful thing to have to go through. . Bless you for being kind enough to share your experience here. ..

Jade_Butterfly

You don't have to cut him out of your life if you set limits. If things get out of hand, he has to leave your home or you leave his and stick to it. It's no different than training a toddler. He will learn to behave himself. If he can't or won't, you can't be responsible for him cutting himself out of your life because not behaving is a decision in itself. But he is your dad and I'd give him a chance. Some people just need to be taught how to be decent people.

Very sage advice. .

vanessaclarkgbr

yes.

and,

not at all.

This. Despite the annual emotional blackmail at Christmas, it's still the best thing I could have done for me.

LilMissFoodie

This is such a tough thing for me. My parents only ever taught me one thing that I thought was useful - and that was that family is important. Unfortunately, I am the only person in my family that seems to live by this principle. I was always closest to my sister but since I moved to the UK, got married, started travelling and my career has really kicked off she seems a bit... bitter. Last time I saw her was for my wedding and she was so nasty about everything. Apparently, living in London is rubbish, as are all the places I have travelled. Apparently having a good job if you've been to uni doesn't mean anything at all, it would only mean something if I hadn't studied. Apparently, I am drying up and should get right on having a baby this very second (I'm 27). I have stopped actively contacting her because I feel like it's a one-way relationship and I feel like I deserve more than that. I have to say though, that I miss her terribly and I feel like that is also one-way. Somehow, I feel I'm the only one who has lost.

trud72

Umm YEP more than one! best thing i ever did!

it is my mother my father and 2 sisters and a brother(not by my choice) and a sister i have never metand all my aunties and uncles basically the whole bloody family lol does that count?

i did it about 17/18 yrs ago now,the hassel i used to get from them was well.... :sick:

some of the storys i could tell you about my mother well thats a whole jerry springer show on it's own!!! if you know what i meen! :blushing:

do not fret over it.... the only bad side to it all my 3 boys(14.15.16 yr) have never known a gran or grandad or any other family figure...but i don't want them exposed to that poison! :devil:

mamamc03

Coming from the other side of this argument, my sister has cut me out since the middle of April. She never explained why she did this. She rarely RARELY speaks to me. Difficult part is that she lives with my parents, so when I visit it is so blatently obvious that she is unhappy with me. anytime I try to ask, she just ignores me. So before you really cut someone out, sit them down and explain what's going through your head. give them a chance to redeem themselves, and at least let them know what they have done wrong. family is precious and we only have so much time with anyone. I understand that toxicity is straining, BUT we are called to Love our enemies. JMO

kyle4jem

Elizabeth_C34

Thank you all so much for opening up on here. As horrible as it sounds, it's nice to not feel so alone in this. My husband loves me and backs me 100% but he doesn't really understand it. His family is really wonderful.

I've got a lot to chew on in the coming days.

Thank you again for the support and for sharing.

Yes and No.

My family fractured after my brother died. We did everything we could for my brother's widow and their son, but they repaid us with treachery.

My nephew has since tried contacting me via online social network a few times which I have ignored. He knows my parents' address and could easily write to me and my folks had he truly wished to atone for his unforgivable behaviour. Even when my mum passed away, he chose the online route rather than send a card or flowers to his granddad.

My hubster is in a similar situation and has no communication with his siblings and their families since his mother passed.

I have family who I love dearly, some extended members who I wouldn't care if I ever saw them again, and my very precious friends who are as dear to me as my dad is and who are more loyal and loving than most of my family have ever been.

You are most definitely not alone here Elizabeth. Good luck in whatever you decide :flowerforyou:

i_love_vinegar

I cut my father out of my life when I was 12 or so...It wasn't too hard though as he was hardly there.

He was supposedly abusive toward my mom, and he worked in an illegal industry so..

I don't regret it~You are here on this earth to be loved and to be happy...It is much harder to be a parent than to have a child.

AshjMusik

Wow thank u everyone for sharing! As u said, although this is awful for anyone to go thru, it's nice to know we're not alone! I've cut 2 ppl out if my life & don't regret it at all as my life is better for it, but it still often makes me very sad. My (ex) best friend & my father.
1) The bestie got a taste for hardcore drugs & then my man. After our "breakup" she moved to another state & has a kid now.. Every once in a drunk, nostalgic blue moon I'll look her up online. I will never be able to have a relationship w/ her but still wish her well.
2) My father (whom I affectionately refer to as my sperm donor) is more complicated. He's a manipulative sick fk & an alcoholic. We haven't spoken in over 3 years but I still get to enjoy watching other family members get yanked back & forth in this time. My half-sister (who's now 10) will call & leave these sad vm's saying she misses me & wants to see me. My stepmother agreed to let me see her for the first time in those 3 yrs a month ago! We had a great day together but it was very awkward & last night she called & asked me to come to her choir concert next week. Literally the thought of seeing that man makes me start shaking.. I don't know what to do. If she weren't in the picture it would be a lot easier. As of right now, he will never be welcome in my life & will never even meet my future children. My hubby like urs is fully supportive of this decision.

These stories have really touched me.. I agree in the end its prob better to forgive.. But until I learn how to do that w/out making myself vulnerable to attack again, running on anger is what gives me the strength to say "NO! N. O. This stops at this generation. This changes w/ me." Few things are forever & life has a funny way of playing tricks on u. Ur so lucky to have a loving & supportive HB, this is ur time 4ur own family & u deserve to be happy & healthy in every way. I know it's not easy, stay strong & good luck!!