Cutting off communication with a family member
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You don't have to cut him out of your life if you set limits. If things get out of hand, he has to leave your home or you leave his and stick to it. It's no different than training a toddler. He will learn to behave himself. If he can't or won't, you can't be responsible for him cutting himself out of your life because not behaving is a decision in itself. But he is your dad and I'd give him a chance. Some people just need to be taught how to be decent people.0
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Yes. and Yes.
When I was 18 I cut off all communication with my mother because she was also a very toxic person. For the first year I tried repeatedly to allow her back in my life but finally gave up. I saw her 2 times in the next 17 years and didnt really feel like she was a very different person.
About 5 years ago every once in a while I would do a google search on her name and see if I could find out her address. Every time I did that there would be 5 of them and I wouldnt know really which one was hers and I never got up the courage to call.
Two years ago I did that google search and a link came up for a company that my mother worked at when I was a young child and I thought that was strange so I clicked the link. Sure enough it was a company profile and had my mothers picture on it. For the next 2 hours I sat at my chair with that page up and every few minutes I would go back and look at the page. It took me 2 hours to gain the courage to call that number and ask for my mother. When the receptionist answered the phone and I asked for my mother by name the girl on the phone paused for a good 20 or 30 seconds and then she said my first and middle name. I was a little shocked and I said yes and she said "hold on". About a minute later she came back and said "Sweety where are you" and I replied I was at home. She said "your mother passed away yesterday evening" and I said "thank you" and hung up the phone.
Those last years my mother had changed drastically and had told many stories about me to her co-workers that I found out after her funeral during discussions with them. My mother had even told them she had been a bad parent and that she regretted what all she had done to myself and my brother through out the years. She wouldnt even join people for holidays she sat at home waiting to see if we might show up.
After I found out all of this I felt horrible. Why had I waited so long, why had I not tried earlier to contact her. My mother had a rough time of it the last year as she had been battling cancer pretty much alone. I'm not really sure I will ever really forgive myself or her for putting us both in that position to not be able to enjoy each other at the end.
My mother was a very toxic person, but she was still my mother and I still loved her. Try having less contact with your dad and see if that helps.
Wow. . what an incredibly painful thing to have to go through. . Bless you for being kind enough to share your experience here. ..0 -
You don't have to cut him out of your life if you set limits. If things get out of hand, he has to leave your home or you leave his and stick to it. It's no different than training a toddler. He will learn to behave himself. If he can't or won't, you can't be responsible for him cutting himself out of your life because not behaving is a decision in itself. But he is your dad and I'd give him a chance. Some people just need to be taught how to be decent people.
Very sage advice. .0 -
yes.
and,
not at all.
This. Despite the annual emotional blackmail at Christmas, it's still the best thing I could have done for me.0 -
This is such a tough thing for me. My parents only ever taught me one thing that I thought was useful - and that was that family is important. Unfortunately, I am the only person in my family that seems to live by this principle. I was always closest to my sister but since I moved to the UK, got married, started travelling and my career has really kicked off she seems a bit... bitter. Last time I saw her was for my wedding and she was so nasty about everything. Apparently, living in London is rubbish, as are all the places I have travelled. Apparently having a good job if you've been to uni doesn't mean anything at all, it would only mean something if I hadn't studied. Apparently, I am drying up and should get right on having a baby this very second (I'm 27). I have stopped actively contacting her because I feel like it's a one-way relationship and I feel like I deserve more than that. I have to say though, that I miss her terribly and I feel like that is also one-way. Somehow, I feel I'm the only one who has lost.0
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Umm YEP more than one!
best thing i ever did!
it is my mother my father and 2 sisters and a brother(not by my choice) and a sister i have never metand all my aunties and uncles basically the whole bloody family lol does that count?
i did it about 17/18 yrs ago now,the hassel i used to get from them was well.... :sick:
some of the storys i could tell you about my mother well thats a whole jerry springer show on it's own!!! if you know what i meen! :blushing:
do not fret over it.... the only bad side to it all my 3 boys(14.15.16 yr) have never known a gran or grandad or any other family figure...but i don't want them exposed to that poison! :devil:0 -
Coming from the other side of this argument, my sister has cut me out since the middle of April. She never explained why she did this. She rarely RARELY speaks to me. Difficult part is that she lives with my parents, so when I visit it is so blatently obvious that she is unhappy with me. anytime I try to ask, she just ignores me. So before you really cut someone out, sit them down and explain what's going through your head. give them a chance to redeem themselves, and at least let them know what they have done wrong. family is precious and we only have so much time with anyone. I understand that toxicity is straining, BUT we are called to Love our enemies. JMO0
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Elizabeth_C34
Yes and No.Thank you all so much for opening up on here. As horrible as it sounds, it's nice to not feel so alone in this. My husband loves me and backs me 100% but he doesn't really understand it. His family is really wonderful.
I've got a lot to chew on in the coming days.
Thank you again for the support and for sharing.
My family fractured after my brother died. We did everything we could for my brother's widow and their son, but they repaid us with treachery.
My nephew has since tried contacting me via online social network a few times which I have ignored. He knows my parents' address and could easily write to me and my folks had he truly wished to atone for his unforgivable behaviour. Even when my mum passed away, he chose the online route rather than send a card or flowers to his granddad.
My hubster is in a similar situation and has no communication with his siblings and their families since his mother passed.
I have family who I love dearly, some extended members who I wouldn't care if I ever saw them again, and my very precious friends who are as dear to me as my dad is and who are more loyal and loving than most of my family have ever been.
You are most definitely not alone here Elizabeth. Good luck in whatever you decide :flowerforyou:0 -
I cut my father out of my life when I was 12 or so...It wasn't too hard though as he was hardly there.
He was supposedly abusive toward my mom, and he worked in an illegal industry so..
I don't regret it~You are here on this earth to be loved and to be happy...It is much harder to be a parent than to have a child.0 -
Wow thank u everyone for sharing! As u said, although this is awful for anyone to go thru, it's nice to know we're not alone! I've cut 2 ppl out if my life & don't regret it at all as my life is better for it, but it still often makes me very sad. My (ex) best friend & my father.
1) The bestie got a taste for hardcore drugs & then my man. After our "breakup" she moved to another state & has a kid now.. Every once in a drunk, nostalgic blue moon I'll look her up online. I will never be able to have a relationship w/ her but still wish her well.
2) My father (whom I affectionately refer to as my sperm donor) is more complicated. He's a manipulative sick fk & an alcoholic. We haven't spoken in over 3 years but I still get to enjoy watching other family members get yanked back & forth in this time. My half-sister (who's now 10) will call & leave these sad vm's saying she misses me & wants to see me. My stepmother agreed to let me see her for the first time in those 3 yrs a month ago! We had a great day together but it was very awkward & last night she called & asked me to come to her choir concert next week. Literally the thought of seeing that man makes me start shaking.. I don't know what to do. If she weren't in the picture it would be a lot easier. As of right now, he will never be welcome in my life & will never even meet my future children. My hubby like urs is fully supportive of this decision.
These stories have really touched me.. I agree in the end its prob better to forgive.. But until I learn how to do that w/out making myself vulnerable to attack again, running on anger is what gives me the strength to say "NO! N. O. This stops at this generation. This changes w/ me." Few things are forever & life has a funny way of playing tricks on u. Ur so lucky to have a loving & supportive HB, this is ur time 4ur own family & u deserve to be happy & healthy in every way. I know it's not easy, stay strong & good luck!!0 -
yes, my father.
didnt regret it at the time. in fact, i was going to use my pregnancy three years ago as an "opening topic" to perhaps talk to him again and then the week before i was going to do that, he died horribly in a car accident.
i completely regret wasting my time and not finding forgiveness in any fashion whatsoever.0 -
Yes, my brother.
No, I do not regret it.0 -
Yes, I no longer have any contact with one of my sisters. But it was more like she cut our entire family out of her life. Fortunately, her ex-husband has remained close to our family (he comes to my folks house regularly with the kids and goes on family vacations with the clan)...kind of like a brother to me and son to my folks.
I do feel badly for what might have been and what she is missing out on (I have a really fun family). Some friends say 'life is too short ....blah, blah, blah", but I say life is to short to have that constant drama and upheaval in my life. If she were not crazy (I think she is bi-polar and will not take medication), I might try to reconcile, but its always walking on pins and needles wondering when she is going to 'go off' and quite frankly, I have had enough drama in my life without that.
And just for the record, I don't mean to call bi-polar people 'crazy' - my brother is also bi-polar but he recognizes the illness for what it is and closely follows his doctor's orders on medication. He still struggles with certain things, but by and large functions quite well.0 -
Thank you all again for chiming in on this and for sharing your stories. I appreciate it more than I can express in words. I'm heading out of town this weekend for a wedding, and I have a lot to chew on.
I'll update when I return.0 -
I don't speak to my father's side of the family at all. They are not people I want my children to get to know.
I only wish I could have cut them out of my life sooner. They are small minded and prejudiced, and said some truly horrible things to my mother when my two-year-old brother passed away many years ago. (refused to go to the funeral because it was a Catholic ceremony and he was probably in Hell because they never had him "saved") :mad:
:explode:
I'm getting angry just thinking about them.
Family or not- some people just do not need to be in your life. I hope you can decide what to do with regard to your father, and feel comfortable with your decision.0 -
Yes, and I don't regret it. There are certain people who are just toxic and I don't want to be around them and I certainly don't want to expose my little one to that kind of drama. I am very sad things had to be this way, but you can only take so much.0
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I cut of communication with my brother. He was the sibling I was closest too and at times I do miss him. He lied about having terminal cancer and is in fact still lying about it to my knowledge. The things he put our family through during that time is unforgivable. We were actually planning his funeral. There is a lot more to it then but this is basically the simplified version. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I wish someday we can be a family again? Yes. Do I see that happening? No. I have a lot of anger at the situation and I don't know if I could ever trust him again.0
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Depends on the family member! A mother or father..... no, you shouldn't cut off contact! LIMIT your contact with him and see if that helps. It's like one member said on here...... maybe it will teach him to behave around you... idk. Maybe you could just call him every once in awhile to say hi and see how he is doing. I think that it also depends on what that person did and/or is doing. Everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. We should forgive BUT we should also not be around people that hurt us. Sometimes parents don't realize what they do to their kids! He may change! That's why I say LIMIT contact to maybe just phone calls for now. Don't completely cut him off........ he is your father! AND if he is toxic to your family (husband and/or kids) then by all means he shouldn't come around them UNLESS he truly changes.0
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I have done that... Wel it all happened when my mom passed away. A lot of my siblings stopped talking to my dad. He got remarried and his new woman and their people didn't care for me. My dad was grumpy and rude and acted like those people could say and do whatever they wanted. Well I stood up for myself and he's been a jerk ever since. I have tried and tried to be nice but he wants to keep blaming me for their rudeness and enough is enough. I got to the point to where I realized there is a difference between being nice and just taking in too much crap no matter who it is. I do not regret it at all. I don't need negative people in my life.0
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Yes, I cut my dad's father out of my life. Basically he and my Mimi were married 42 years and he left our family for his high school sweetheart. He and this other lady both abandoned their families of grown children and many grandchildren. After they ran off together, about 7 years later, this other lady died. My dad's father was all alone and crept back into the family. Almost everyone welcomed him and continued with calling him 'dad' or 'papa' as us grandkids would have. I just refused. I won't speak to him, hug him, and call him by his first name. I have had family functions that I won't invite him to. Part of my decision was that my dad was not in his life after trying so hard to reconnect with him. I just can't tolerate people who, like the OP said, are 'toxic' to my family.0
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Yes and no.
The only thing I don't like about it is how much conflict it causes with the rest of my family.0 -
Yes, my toxic father. But I don't really like to talk about specifics...0
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going through this right now. really don't want to discuss it in the public forum - it's kinda fresh, but feel free to message me.0
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Yes, I cut my dad's father out of my life. Basically he and my Mimi were married 42 years and he left our family for his high school sweetheart. He and this other lady both abandoned their families of grown children and many grandchildren. After they ran off together, about 7 years later, this other lady died. My dad's father was all alone and crept back into the family. Almost everyone welcomed him and continued with calling him 'dad' or 'papa' as us grandkids would have. I just refused. I won't speak to him, hug him, and call him by his first name. I have had family functions that I won't invite him to. Part of my decision was that my dad was not in his life after trying so hard to reconnect with him. I just can't tolerate people who, like the OP said, are 'toxic' to my family.
Wow, this is exactly what my father did. Except his new woman didn't abandon her family, she wasn't married to anyone and her kids are OK with it. My dad doesn't speak to me, my brother or any of the grandkids anymore. So, it wasn't MY decision to cut him out of my life but it sure has gone smoother since he did it. I worry that he'll come crawling back if she dies and that my mother will be stupid. We'll see.0 -
1. Yes (though not blood family, an inlaw but we were friends long before she became an inlaw)
2 Nope. Some people just do not deserve to be in your live if they constantly treat you like crap and cause drama. DNA really should have nothing to do with keeping them or letting them go0 -
I have done it several times, but I am a sucker for forgiveness and always get burned. I am currently renting a house with my mother. I move into my new house next week. She is selfish, alcoholic and completely dependant upon others. She has about cost me my job and as much as I beg her to stay out of the rumor mill and keep my name out of professional conversations, she won't take me seriously. My boss offered to give my mom a call today to emphasis that she is very close to costing me my job..I don't discuss work outside of the office but my mom likes to discuss my office in hers... A few weeks ago she ran off to the bar when her manic boyfriend relapsed from AA and got drunk. I was left with no warning with my 4 year old son that he has relapsed and had to babysitting him until 4am and got to sleep for two hours before work.
My stepmom is a closet-alcoholic and sociopath who has destroyed my relationship with my father. She literally beats him and he doesn't have the nerve to stand up to her for his sake or the sake of his adult children he rarely gets to see. She also invites my childhood abuser to family gatherings because she gets some kind of pleasure from it and has said time and time again that she never beleived my claims, though my father AND mother both did.
I just keep thinking that in one week I will have no reason to have contact with my mom and hopefully I will learn for the millionth time- not to forgive and earn back trust!0 -
Yep! I have cut out my twin, my mother and my father! Jealousy is a major factor, also they are evil ppl, they make me sick! Good luck! It is never an easy decision but some things just have to be done! Karma will look after them!0
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Yes - My mother
Sometimes- She was a single parent and I never knew my father but my mother is toxic. Some times I am ok sometimes I really want my mom. It gets easier the as time goes on but I had to do what was best for me in the long run.0 -
My...
mother
father
sister
step-brother
two uncles
one aunt
a mess load of cousins....
mother-in-law
sister-in-law
Do I regret this? NOT ONE BIT.... Too many problems arise from them, too much drama and Im just not in the mood to be treated like s*** and walked all over.
The top of the list is my mother. She is a very toxic, ragingly mad woman with a serious alcohol problem who will cut you down and treat you like garbage just to make herself feel better about her self.... the numerous nights of her calling my house drunk as a skunk and getting downright nasty was stopped immediately. Even had to call the police because it got THAT bad!
Just because you are related doesnt mean they can walk all over you and still come over for dinner. While Im definitely not a person to hold anger continuously, I am someone who will definitely make it known that their garbage will NEVER be tolerated and if I have to draw a line that severs any sort of communication, its because they have left me no choice.
same here my mother is a jealous raging alcoholic! Quote from mommy dearest : I Hope I am alive to see your life ruined, She too calls here loaded! She just called two nights ago talked to me hubby and told him I was dead to her! Umm I havent spoken to any of them in 3 yrs, she is just getting that now? She is a lil slow!0 -
I'm no longer in contact with my Dad. Compared to some other people's stories, it seems insignificant.
He was never there - He was the person who was always around, but never present. He routinely forgot my birthday, my middle name, my best friends' names. He favored my brother. And then a few years later he encouraged my brother to ride a motorbike while drunk, without a helmet and my brother died as a result. No, he didn't kill my brother, but it was yet another prime example of him not being a "parent".
I didn't speak to him for a few years after that, but then he showed up the day after I had my daughter and promised to be a better parent. I gave him a second chance, and as long as it wasn't inconvenient for him, he made an effort. Again we haven't spoken for over a year because he can't be bothered to call his only grand kid on her birthday. (It's gone from being about him letting ME down, to him letting my girl down, and that I can't forgive.)
I don't regret cutting ties, because I don't really feel like I'm missing out on anything, and I feel I'm saving my daughter potential heartache. However, cutting ties was very difficult because other family members got involved, had opinions, and I'm pretty sure they refer to me as the Devil's Spawn (The devil being my mother, of course.)0
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