Cutting off communication with a family member

TerraGirl17

Yes, we haven't spoken to my husbands father in 8 years, he has met our oldest twice, the last time she was 4 months old, he has never met our other 2 children and everytime (about 3) we have extended an olive branch to him and his new wife (the woman he was cheating on my MIL with) he brushes us off.

arewethereyet

Yes. Some people are just plain toxic.

You can never reason with an unreasonable person.

You have done nothing wrong, so do not feel guilty. I allowed the nastiness for way too long.

I hope it all works out for you:flowerforyou:

SkateboardFi

Have you ever completely cut off all communication from a family member?

If so, do you regret your decision?

EDIT:

I am asking because I am thinking of completely cutting my dad out of my life. He's become a very toxic person for me. He's a liar, has tried to mooch money off me and his elderly father, takes advantage of me and my grandfather, and only calls when he wants money or on the holidays when his ex wife forces him to. It's difficult for me because we were really close when I was young. I was the first person to finish high school in my family, and after I graduated college, I think he and my aunt got very nasty towards me. Hubby seems to think it's jealousy, but I am not sure. I've tried to talk to him and given him multiple chances to get back in my life, and he's never once apologized.

I was just curious to see who else had to do this.

i've done it. and i don't regret it. i'm a very very forgiving person and if i get pushed to the point where i don't feel like tolerating someone, i have no problem forgetting about them seeing as i've usually given them all too many chances.

Kohadre

Yup, ive cut my sister out of my life and don't regret it.

ennaejay

I've never done this.

And you haven't asked for advice, but I will give mine to you for free! If you decide to cut him off, remember that if he shows evidence of change, you can always change your mind later and "graft" him back in. Also, surround yourself with healthy people who value you!!

sunkisses

Yes, I have.
No, I don't regret it,

I don't play the "oh, but they're family" game. Being related to me doesn't give anyone a free pass.

Good luck with your situation.

irunforfun

Yes, I didn't talk to my parents for 10 years...til recently. My father passed last summer w/o me seeing him (last time I had seen him I was almost 18...I was 27 when he passed). I only regret not getting to say goodbye. They didn't agree with me getting engaged/married at a young age and now that I'm soon to be divorced, yes - I do regret it.

Without getting too nosey, is/was he ever abusive? I can see where some situations where you can "love from a distance" and others where it's completely nessesary to kick them out of your life. Whatever you choose, think it over wisely. I just speak from experience. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish I couldn't say goodbye to my father one last time.

carolinedb

Yes, and we are still working on mending our relationship. This is an immediate family member who put me into a terrible situation and asked me to cover for the years of lies they'd been telling. We're close again, but it still comes up repeatedly as an issue. I don't regret cutting them off when I did, and I don't regret letting them back in now.

Elizabeth_C34

Yes, I didn't talk to my parents for 10 years...til recently. My father passed last summer w/o me seeing him (last time I had seen him I was almost 18...I was 27 when he passed). I only regret not getting to say goodbye. They didn't agree with me getting engaged/married at a young age and now that I'm soon to be divorced, yes - I do regret it.

Without getting too nosey, is/was he ever abusive? I can see where some situations where you can "love from a distance" and others where it's completely nessesary to kick them out of your life. Whatever you choose, think it over wisely. I just speak from experience. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish I couldn't say goodbye to my father one last time.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I appreciate it more thank I can express.

My dad's never been physically abusive. I was never even spanked as a kid. The problem is that he had me when he was 18. My mom was 17. My grandparents were working full time jobs and couldn't afford to help raise me really, but they did anyway sharing the expenses among all four of them and 3 of my great-grandparents.. Both my parents dropped out of high school, got married, and two years later divorced.

My dad never grew up. He's very immature, lies constantly, never supported me financially or in any other way growing up, and blames me for his lack of participation in my life. In the last 5 years, his behavior has gotten much much worse. He never calls or even asks about me from anyone. I hear from him directly once every 6 months or so if I'm lucky, and the last two phone calls (in March and then in August) were asking me for money (in March) or calling to scream at me for sending money to my grandfather so he could buy food (in August). I've been financially supporting my grandfather for the last 7 months since my grandmother passed. (He is 80 and has had a quadruple bypass and can't work anymore. He lost nearly half his income from social security after my grandmother passed. I've been trying to help him stay afloat until he could sell his house and downsize. Thankfully, he sold it this week and is going to be able to downsize and live within his income now.)

I just feel like I'm nothing but a mistake he made when he was 18. The last time I tried to spend time with him, I made reservations at a great little steakhouse with a cool pool bar next door. He kept telling me how excited he was and how much fun we were going to have. He ended up ditching me and running off to a weekend lake trip with his girlfriend and her daughters. I ended up taking my brother instead. That really really hurt, but it hasn't been the only or first time it's happened.

The way he treats his father infuriates me. He takes advantage of his grief (from losing the love of his life 7 months ago), steals from him, talks to him like he's a dog, and pours on a fake guilt trip if my grandfather stands up to him.

He has no clue how much he's hurt me. When I try to talk to him about it, he just says, "oh, sorry.... anyway" and moves on in the conversation. I asked him once why he was sorry and he couldn't answer me. His behavior says that he's not sorry at all

LauraMacNCheese

Sorry...I'm using my phone and it's not cooperating.

I just wanted to say that I wish I could give you a big hug. The Father/Daughter relationship is supposed to be something special and I am so sorry your dad doesn't seem to grasp that or care. I would say it's his loss but you've lost too. No parent should treat their child with such callous disregard. I hate to suggest severing contact but I think that in this case it would be much healthier for you. *hugs to you* :flowerforyou:

Elizabeth_C34

Sorry...I'm using my phone and it's not cooperating.

I just wanted to say that I wish I could give you a big hug. The Father/Daughter relationship is supposed to be something special and I am so sorry your dad doesn't seem to grasp that or care. I would say it's his loss but you've lost too. No parent should treat their child with such callous disregard. I hate to suggest severing contact but I think that in this case it would be much healthier for you. *hugs to you* :flowerforyou:

Thank you sweetie! Although I do grieve for not having the typical father/daughter relationship, I feel like my relationship with my grandfathers has really taken on that role. They are both amazing men, so I have to be very thankful for them and all the love they gave me and still do. My grandmothers are equally as awesome..

cramernh

Sorry...I'm using my phone and it's not cooperating.

I just wanted to say that I wish I could give you a big hug. The Father/Daughter relationship is supposed to be something special and I am so sorry your dad doesn't seem to grasp that or care. I would say it's his loss but you've lost too. No parent should treat their child with such callous disregard. I hate to suggest severing contact but I think that in this case it would be much healthier for you. *hugs to you* :flowerforyou:

Thank you sweetie! Although I do grieve for not having the typical father/daughter relationship, I feel like my relationship with my grandfathers has really taken on that role. They are both amazing men, so I have to be very thankful for them and all the love they gave me and still do. My grandmothers are equally as awesome..

I can DEFINITELY relate to this - too often my parents didnt handle responsibility... My sister and I were dominantly raised by my mother's parents... My father the drunken pedophile with a power-fist of fury was incarcerated, and then my mother CHOSE to work 120 hrs per week, out lolligagging with some guy, getting drunk, never coming home.... then taking it out on me... My grandparents put a stop to that nonsense of us being home alone (thank GAWD) and took me in. Unfortunately the impact resulted in my sister being placed in a group home because she was so messed up (still is today at age 35)... but I will always love and remember what my grandparents sacrificed. Up until my grandfather died in 2005, my daughter, husband and I made a point to spend time with my grandfather making dinner for all of us. I would clean up afterwards, and share time together with him.. it was the least I could do for him, to give back for all the years he assumed the role of what a real father should be. My grandmother was so wonderful - and what a tough cookie she was, and still is. She resides in Florida permanently, so we make sure we load her up on cards and gifts, and notes, and whatever we can for care packages... She is going to be 81 in the next few days so she will be getting a surprise soon.

My grandparents filled a very large void with love, respect, responsibility and never ever any sort of ill-judgement of us... and I know that irks my mother still to this day... and I really dont care. She failed on so many levels - just like the other familiy members I severed ties with....

arewethereyet

I love my children and would die without hearing from them at least once a week. Mine are all grown, and live outside except my DD who is in nursing school. I am so proud of all my kids-what wonderful, caring human beings they are

There is nothing I can do to make their father act any differently than he does. I better stop there, don't want to air dirty laundry. :flowerforyou:

arewethereyet

HUGE HUGS to all that have posted. I am so sorry you have to live through these terrible things.

My mom was an alcoholic who ended up with a deadly illness. She lived 15 years longer than the docs gave her.

She was verbally abusive, laid a guilt trip on me each and every day, didn't do much to help herself, but she always ALWAYS loved me.

I just read a line in a book that made me feel a bit better, not sure why. It said in essence "you are a victim of a victim" I am working on me, and making better choices (not smothering) my kids. letting them make their own bad decisions and not mopping up after. Guess what? My relationships are better.

When I started the book, it made me look yet again at my childhood. I only know what I was taught, and can change from this day forward. Do not feel guilty for yesterday. That the people who raised us were raised by someone also.

Littlemouse1973

I no longer speak to my step father or my brother, unless absolutely necessary (which is never, really). A very wise friend of mine asked me once if this person was a friend, and not a relative, would I continue the friendship? If not, why would I hold my friends to a higher standard than my family?

livnlite

I think I'd agree with the majority.

Family ties are the hardest to break but not impossible. If the relationship is as toxic as you say, then yes, you have to think of your sanity. For what ever reason, your family members have become impossibly abusive, you have to consider how they affect you and your life. Since you have a family of your own .. THEY now take priority.

I also have a family member (my brother) , who was very similar. Rarely spoke to him in years (probably more like decades). I don't think I formally 'cut' him out of my life, but I did have to formally set limits. It's odd to actually have to do that, but some people just don't GET limits...especially if they become a product of bad choices they make in their own lives. Most family members understand the automatic 'limits' we all set. He was a drug addict and an alcoholic, and out of desperation felt compelled to step over those limits.

Actually had to make a decision to say those words too .. which was very difficult for me ... "If all you are calling me for is money .. DON'T CALL ME!". He took advantage of my elderly father too. Kept asking for money .. and even my Dad (who is on a pension) had to say .. "NO MORE!".

My brother, has since changed his ways, and we have become at least cordial. He calls my Dad once a week, just to keep in touch. Now, he regrets how he lead his life in the past, is making an effort to make it on his own (He is in his 60's). Better late than never, I guess.

Having a sense of 'family' is commendable. We have all experienced it, on one level or another. So, I know I for one, can feel your pain. I wish I could offer you more words of comfort, in a crisis like this. Cause I know how it feels .. It just SUX!!! Big time! But, you gotta do, what you gotta do. It's not only for your sake but for theirs. Don't be an enabler. If your not part of the solution .. You are part of the problem.

Best of luck!

Luandanielle1979

We unfotunatly cant choose our family members. If someone continues to hurt you and be hurtful towards you and your family then I would concider cutting them off for at least a while that way they can either change their ways or carry on being horrible without you having to have it in your life. I have cried nights and nights over my sister. But when she is being difficult I just dont want her around. You have your own family and happiness to treasure xx

DownSheGoes

I cut communication with my father after he stole a large amount of money from my accounts, abused my family and refused to financially support me when ordered to do so by law. Best decision I have made concerning family and safety.

DownSheGoes

Also, in my opinion, any one who says you can't choose your family is wrong. I believe you can. Stay close to who you love and stay away from those who will bring you down.

jen0731

I will give you my short version of my story. I'm disowned from my parents and now my brother takes their side too. 3 years ago when I was going through a divorce I lived with my parents for a short period. Mind you I'm in my 30's and realized I was living with them and always respected them to tell them where I was at all times. My mom always hated my ex, and now thinks he is a God. She thought I was out partying all the time even if I wasn't. She disowned me because I have my own opinions on things and don't agree with her. She does this to her friends too. She is always negative and I can say since I haven't spoken to her in 3 years...I am now a happier person. I don't have the negativity in my life anymore. She seemed to always thrive on my failures, sad since she is supposed to be my mother. She couldn't stand when I was happy in my life. Do I regret it? Sure I wish she would love me for me and not be the way she is. My dad never had the balls to stand up to her and therefore doesn't speak to me either. My brother is a lot younger than me and still lives at home at 24. He is wrapped very badly in her web. But I can say I am a much happier person since the ties have been cut. I will never have a relationship with her again for the rest of my life. Yes that is brutal and they are family but it's hard to ever trust someone who backstabs you and throws you under a bus all the time.

So to answer you, it is whatever choice that is best for you. Good luck!!