Indian Culture Weight SHAME!

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patience842003
patience842003 Posts: 52
in Motivation and Support
I am married to a man from India, and to my dismay most of the Indian culture (or those I have met) are really quite frank and forthright. My father-in-law actually told me during a skype conversation, 'you are looking fat.' Well thank you for stating the obvious. Has anyone else experienced this? I know they aren't doing it as an offensive gesture, but in my culture its awful especially since I've been self conscious most of my life.
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Replies

  • Aegelis
    Aegelis Posts: 237 Member
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    Which is a greater offense, being told something that someone else is thinking or not knowing what someone else is thinking?
  • igora_soma
    igora_soma Posts: 486
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    My boyfriend is Indian and I've dated many before him. I've also been studying ayurveda casually and I think in Indian culture and society they actually don't see it as offensive. He probably said it because he is concerned for your health. I know it hurts, maybe the best way to go about it is to tell your father-in-law that you appreciate his concern for your health, but would rather he keep his opinions on your weight to himself.

    I'm sorry to hear your feelings were hurt! I hope this helps! :)
  • amikas
    amikas Posts: 1
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    I am Indian and I'm quite offended that you think it's the culture! Has it not occurred to you that it may just be his family?

    :(((
  • ncahill77
    ncahill77 Posts: 501 Member
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    I spent quite a bit of time in India for work, it's very common and it's not meant to be rude at all. They just state things matter of factly. It's not easy to get used to.
  • bookdame
    bookdame Posts: 67
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    Yes, leave the shame out of it!

    If you notice, Indians do not see it as rude to discuss salary, etc, even when first meeting. Normally someone saying "How much money do you make? Are you married?" is not rude in India.

    Its just an observation he is making. It hurts but you are beautiful and I am sure he is happy you are with his son. Perhaps he is making the comment to bring to your attention that a fluctuation in weight may indicate some health concern (pregnancy, imbalance of dosha, etc)
  • MumbaiStar
    MumbaiStar Posts: 9
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    hasnt 'weight' always been equated with prosperity in India? i believe so...

    i think his concern was genuine.. but the tone was kinda harsh...
  • Tonnenator
    Tonnenator Posts: 71 Member
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    Culture or no culture, fathers-in-law can be rude. So can mothers-in-law. My father-in-law was a wonderful man who I had the privelege of knowing for many years, but he would often question whether or not I should have dessert, if second helpings were a good idea for me, and did I go for a walk that day, often right in front of the whole family.

    I am now a type 2 diabetic and I know that he was just concerned for my health. His generation watched their weight a lot better than ours does, and since they are older, they also know how miserable our weight can make us.

    However - I had to "tell him off" before in a respectful way a couple times, and then he stopped mentioning it. But I still got the "looks" at dinner. I hate to admit it, but he's right.
  • gazerofthestars
    gazerofthestars Posts: 255 Member
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    Heh.. I am pretty sure he only meant to lighten up the conversation a bit. Coming from a similar culture (I am part Indian, my grandfather was born in India) we sarcastically joke around like that often. My grandfather says all sorts of things to guests (often times they're visiting for the first time) but they know, and we know it's all just our weird way of 'breaking the ice'. We often laugh about it afterwards. So don't take it to heart :)
  • ladybug1620
    ladybug1620 Posts: 1,136 Member
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    I think different cultures just have a different way of expressing or phrasing things. I work for an India based company. Our boss once told my co-worker that she was "elderly" because he didn't want to discuss something she brought up. She's 58, far from elderly. I assume it was a language barrier, but it was still offensive to her.
  • gazerofthestars
    gazerofthestars Posts: 255 Member
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    As 'Tonnenator' said however, if you feel offended, just respectfully tell him off. I am sure he'll be understanding.
  • fitnessmonthly
    fitnessmonthly Posts: 68 Member
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    Well that is interesting ,I am Indian women who celebrates her 25th wedding anniversary and my husband never comments on my weight,I always felt if u cared enough you will tell the truth, he always said he liked the way I am. Truly men/women are all different,my advice everything with a pinch of salt nothing serious and move on.Indian father inlaws are notorius for being jealous of their daughter in laws for stealing their sons away like they think.
  • bookdame
    bookdame Posts: 67
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    You
  • nacs246
    nacs246 Posts: 93 Member
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    I am South African of Indian Origin.Its hardly to do with culture!!!! Its probably just his opinion so I don't think you should generalize and say INDIAN CULTURE! There are overweight people in all Cultures and places :(.
  • Hanna82
    Hanna82 Posts: 138 Member
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    I'm not Indian but I am a minority and sorry to take the focus off you chick-a-dee but I'm more offended that you're pin pointing a specific race and culture for this offense. People tell people they're fat all the time. or stupid. or ugly. Sorry that person just happened to not be white. Would have been less offensive then?
  • Kany
    Kany Posts: 336
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    Asians tend to be like that. They have a thing for commenting on weight. Whether you lost or gained weight. The first thing any old friend or family member would say to me when I have gained a few pounds is, "o my you got fat." I just ignore. I know I'm healthier than a lot of people because I eat better and I exercise. Just ignore the comments is the best thing to do.
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
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    Which is a greater offense, being told something that someone else is thinking or not knowing what someone else is thinking?
    Being told something they are thinking.
  • RuchikaPal
    RuchikaPal Posts: 313 Member
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    i dunno why you blame it on the whole culture if just one person said so...... i read all the time on the threads about people all over the globe commenting about other people's weight and making fun of fat people......

    its just an opinion of a person who happens to be indian..you don't tag the whole culture like that...i'm sorry but i find it really offensive!!!!!

    if tomorrow some american comes upto me n says something inappropriate..... i wont say...hey americans are inappropriate..i'd just say that person is inappropriate..........

    anyway.... all the best!!!!!!

    P.S. i gained like 12 kgs since i'm dating my bf who is also an indian... whenevr i call myself fat he gets angry..he always say just be healthy you don't have to look skinny... even my parents always say just be healthy..... and i know lot of people who do mock other people coz of their weight..but wats dat got to do with culture may i ask??????
  • smathinly
    smathinly Posts: 23
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    I have definitely noticed cultural differences when it comes to what is acceptable to "notice" out loud about someone's weight. My mom's family is from the southern US, so they would NEVER dare tell someone they were looking fat. However, my father's family is Jamaican, and over the course of my life I have been informed quite frankly that I am looking a little fat more times than once--"comfortably covered" is the expression in Jamaica. I remember clearly the day I was 10 years old riding one of my aunt's horses in Montego Bay; I was waiting for my turn to jump a round of jumps, and my cousin came over to tell me that I should get off of the horse while I was waiting for my turn, as I was "quite fat, you know." As hard as it is to believe, this really wasn't said with malicious intent--but obviously I have never forgotten it!

    I think you have to focus on the fact that this is a cultural difference, and let it roll off your back. Focus on YOUR reasons for being on MFP and for losing weight, and acknowledge that your husband's family probably has nothing but the best intentions at heart.

    That being said, I know those comments sting...if you have to, add the thought of them to your list of motivations!

    Hang in there!
  • patience842003
    patience842003 Posts: 52
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    I am Indian and I'm quite offended that you think it's the culture! Has it not occurred to you that it may just be his family?

    :(((


    It's not just his family, and please don't think that I am bashing the culture... Hellooo I am married to an Indian man and we intend to move to India so I have no harsh feelings against it, but I have met several different Indian men from different states (Kerala, and Tamil Nadu) who came to the college I work at and did the same thing. My husband (before he was my husband) said to me it's just a fact. My husband is not like that at all but he has also been immersed in a different culture for 3 years and has learned American culture.
  • Missjulesdid
    Missjulesdid Posts: 1,444 Member
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    East Asians and South Central Asians are a lot like this. I think it's just a different way of communicating. My husband is Middle Eastern (Lebanese) while they're not quite as strong as Asians when it comes to this "openness" They're still pretty frank. When I first met my husband's family, they all told him how great I was and pretty and young I look but that I need to lose some weight. My sister in law made me some clothes while I was visiting and when I tried it on she said. "oh that looks good. It makes your stomach look less fat" Honestly and truly it doesn't bother me when they say it because that's just how they are. They don't tiptoe around this kind of stuff. Once I got used to this culture it didn't bother me, and it's better to me than having them silently judging me or talking about it behind my back like Americans do.

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