Dear Mom...
raychybabe
Posts: 121 Member
My dad was going to book a "once in a lifetime" holiday to Australia for him and my mom. He wasn't going to tell her about it at first, as we knew what she'd say. Eventually, he cracked and told her his plans. Apparently, my mother said that is the closest she's ever come to considering divorcing him! And her reasons for not wanting to go? "Look at me, I'm too fat, can you imagine me in a hot country around all those women in little bikinis....and then having to see Sue after so many years looking like this? Its my idea of hell". However, my mom has been "fat and unhappy" since I was a child (I'm 26 now). She has had a few half hearted attempts at weight watchers - but never stuck at them. I tried everything - bought her portion control pots, showed her diet books, talked about what I do at the gym, made helpful suggestions, gave advice......nothing. Shes still a size 26. I've cracked. I've had enough, I can't keep doing the "softly softly" approach and seeing her make her health worse (blood sugar issues, heart problems, chest pains, cholestoral, breathlessness) and not taking action. I've written her a heartfelt email and wanted to see whether other MFP people think it is okay, and any tips for helping. I can't go with the "she'l do it when she's ready" - she's 56 - she doesn't have years and years and years to think about changing - if she doesnt change now, chances are she'll have a heart attack before she reaches 60.
Mom
I feel the need to write to you to explain my feelings and concerns. I know I am not alone in thinking these things, but as your daughter, you need to hear the truth from me. First of all I want you to know everything I am going to say is said with the utmost love and respect, and with a deep concern for your happiness. I am really sad that you feel you have to turn down such a "once in a lifetime" opportunity such as the Austrailia trip, because of your concerns about your health/weight. I think you have every right to be concerned, but these concerns are surmountable, with the right attitude and support. I would hate you to get to later in your life and have regrets. I know I would if that was me. Having a long term goal, or end point in sight, is a great motivator and can spur you on.
You've been unhappy with your weight since I can remember, even as a child I was aware of it. How long will it continue this way? I know you want things to change, I know you do so much. There has to be a time when thoughts turn to actions, and you work towards achieving your goals. I know you have worries and fears, but I'm sure these can be allayed. I want to help you to lose weight, but I want you to want to as well. There is no reason why you cannot achieve your goal (or at least part) of it in the next 12 months. One of my favourite sayings, which I use at work with clients is "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got" which is very very true in my opinion. Unless you do something to break the cycle, every day will be the same (or worse) than the previous one and you will always feel unhappy and stuck in a rut. I am 100% willing to do whatever you need, or whatever you think it would take to achieve this. If you need me to come home 3 evenings a week to workout with you, and talk things over, I will. If you want me to come to meetings with you, I will. But you need to tell me what you need. I don't know whether I sort of validated it, by buying you the bigger clothes sizes and trying to get you nice outfits, I know it wasn't what you wanted but I did it to cheer you up. The deal should now be I'll buy you a brand new outfit when you get down to a size 20 - which I know you could do.
On a serious note, I am concerned for your health, and so are the rest of the family. I would like to think that any grandchildren I may have will be able to have a very long relationship with you, and I worry that unless you do something about your health this might not be as long as I want. I know not everything is in your control, but so many things are linked, that by addressing one thing, it can improve another area.
It has to be a complete lifestyle change: you need to reinvent yourself. It's a big thing, but you need to see yourself as the person you want to be. It has to become engrained in your routine, your thoughts and therefore, your behaviours. You say that I am nice and slim: this is because I watch what I eat (portion sizes and calories) and I plan my week so that I fit in my workouts - if I'm going out for a meal on the weekend, I will make sure I go to the gym in the day. It's a pain at first, but now I feel worse when I don't go because it feels unnatural! I'm not saying you have to dive in and run a marathon, but you need to set aside 30 mins a day to do some form of gentle exercise to build up your stamina - just taking a slow walk to the end of the road, or aqua aerobics, or an exercise video. I know you get out of breath but trust me, things improve very quickly. With Tash at home to help with cooking, it just needs to become part of your evening routine. Priorities need to shift: you're a good teacher and with 25 years of experience, I'm sure you can find ways to get around this and manage your time to fit in with your goals. Other things which really helped me (and that any keyworker, health trainer etc. will tell you) is keeping a diary. There are so many options available - you just need to decide on a few that you're going to try and give it a shot for a couple months. Sometimes it's trial and error - one thing isn't great, so you move to another possible solution.
As I said before, I will help you in any way I can, but the change has to come from you. No-one else can do it for you. If you are unhappy with the status quo, then take action and make things better! You will have everyone's support as well, so its not something you have to do alone.
I really hope that you will have a good think about this. Please tell me where we go from here, because I feel things have reached a tipping point.
I will leave you with a final thought.
"Talking much and doing nothing is like climbing a tree to catch a fish"- Chinese Proverb
With much much love
xxxx
Mom
I feel the need to write to you to explain my feelings and concerns. I know I am not alone in thinking these things, but as your daughter, you need to hear the truth from me. First of all I want you to know everything I am going to say is said with the utmost love and respect, and with a deep concern for your happiness. I am really sad that you feel you have to turn down such a "once in a lifetime" opportunity such as the Austrailia trip, because of your concerns about your health/weight. I think you have every right to be concerned, but these concerns are surmountable, with the right attitude and support. I would hate you to get to later in your life and have regrets. I know I would if that was me. Having a long term goal, or end point in sight, is a great motivator and can spur you on.
You've been unhappy with your weight since I can remember, even as a child I was aware of it. How long will it continue this way? I know you want things to change, I know you do so much. There has to be a time when thoughts turn to actions, and you work towards achieving your goals. I know you have worries and fears, but I'm sure these can be allayed. I want to help you to lose weight, but I want you to want to as well. There is no reason why you cannot achieve your goal (or at least part) of it in the next 12 months. One of my favourite sayings, which I use at work with clients is "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got" which is very very true in my opinion. Unless you do something to break the cycle, every day will be the same (or worse) than the previous one and you will always feel unhappy and stuck in a rut. I am 100% willing to do whatever you need, or whatever you think it would take to achieve this. If you need me to come home 3 evenings a week to workout with you, and talk things over, I will. If you want me to come to meetings with you, I will. But you need to tell me what you need. I don't know whether I sort of validated it, by buying you the bigger clothes sizes and trying to get you nice outfits, I know it wasn't what you wanted but I did it to cheer you up. The deal should now be I'll buy you a brand new outfit when you get down to a size 20 - which I know you could do.
On a serious note, I am concerned for your health, and so are the rest of the family. I would like to think that any grandchildren I may have will be able to have a very long relationship with you, and I worry that unless you do something about your health this might not be as long as I want. I know not everything is in your control, but so many things are linked, that by addressing one thing, it can improve another area.
It has to be a complete lifestyle change: you need to reinvent yourself. It's a big thing, but you need to see yourself as the person you want to be. It has to become engrained in your routine, your thoughts and therefore, your behaviours. You say that I am nice and slim: this is because I watch what I eat (portion sizes and calories) and I plan my week so that I fit in my workouts - if I'm going out for a meal on the weekend, I will make sure I go to the gym in the day. It's a pain at first, but now I feel worse when I don't go because it feels unnatural! I'm not saying you have to dive in and run a marathon, but you need to set aside 30 mins a day to do some form of gentle exercise to build up your stamina - just taking a slow walk to the end of the road, or aqua aerobics, or an exercise video. I know you get out of breath but trust me, things improve very quickly. With Tash at home to help with cooking, it just needs to become part of your evening routine. Priorities need to shift: you're a good teacher and with 25 years of experience, I'm sure you can find ways to get around this and manage your time to fit in with your goals. Other things which really helped me (and that any keyworker, health trainer etc. will tell you) is keeping a diary. There are so many options available - you just need to decide on a few that you're going to try and give it a shot for a couple months. Sometimes it's trial and error - one thing isn't great, so you move to another possible solution.
As I said before, I will help you in any way I can, but the change has to come from you. No-one else can do it for you. If you are unhappy with the status quo, then take action and make things better! You will have everyone's support as well, so its not something you have to do alone.
I really hope that you will have a good think about this. Please tell me where we go from here, because I feel things have reached a tipping point.
I will leave you with a final thought.
"Talking much and doing nothing is like climbing a tree to catch a fish"- Chinese Proverb
With much much love
xxxx
0
Replies
-
:indifferent:0
-
I'm sure you mean well, but do you think it will help at all? People have to want to change for themselves before they'll listen to anything someone else has to say.0
-
:indifferent:
me too.0 -
She wants to change though, she knows what she has to do, knows the risks, knows the benefits of changing........theres just fear between thinking those thoughts and putting them into action.
She's not in precontemplation (check out cycle of change - prochaska and diclemente) as she recognises she has a problem, she is in contemplation - but not yet reached action.
My dad and my siblings tiptoe around the subject, which maybe by accepting it there is no reason to change - I was hoping that by showing my concerns she realises she's upsetting the people who love and care about her. I know I can't make her do anything - I just wanted her to feel that I believe she can do it if she tries, and that I am here for her.0 -
You can want in one hand and and put some waste in the other, but in the end of the day, all you have is dirty hands ... If she knows what to do, and how to do it, then she's going to have to just do it. Good luck. :flowerforyou:0
-
People don't change until the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing.0
-
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.0
-
If I got a letter like that I would be very angry and very hurt. But then I would be very motivated. Change of any kind is a scary thing, so it's easy to come up with excuses. I think the effectiveness of your letter is going to vary from person to person and none of us know your mom like you do! I hope it works.... Australia is beautiful!0
-
From one daughter to another:
Love your mom for who she is and accept her faults. It is up to her to decide when and if she will make personal changes. Appreciate the time you have with her because some day she will be gone and you don't want to have any regrets.
I know its hard because you want the best for her but it is not your job as her child.
:flowerforyou:
:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: 0 -
People have to find the will to change within themselves. They can be a victim to their circumstances or they can really want to change and find a way to make it happen no matter what. Change is always a journey.
I've found that any advice that hasn't been asked for is often taken as criticism. You have good intentions, but they are also motivated by your own beliefs and desires for your Mom.
Instead of telling your Mom you will support her to make changes, you should love her unconditionally, whether she makes them or not.
I wouldn't send this email if I were you, I would let her live her life and be an example of health. When you set an example, then when the person is ready, they will ask for your help.0 -
People don't change until the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing.
Oh I know! I work with drug addicts and its all about decisional balance
this is how I see her seeing it
Pros of changing: look better, feel better, better marriage, healthier, live longer
Pros and staying the same: comfortable, safe, enjoy take outs, routine
Cons of changing: time, money, fear of failure, having to be around other people in swimsuit, shame/stigma
Cons of staying the same: health will get worse, unhappy, family sad0 -
Perhaps it's time to ask yourselves: What would we do baby, without us? And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.0
-
I agree with everyone that says it's up to your mom to want to change ... but I also think that the e-mail you wrote is very heart-felt and truthful without being hurtful. It actually sounds like something I would do/write if my mom were in a situation like that. You know your mom better then any of us on here and you know how she would react to recieving this email. If you think it will be good for her to hear and will help her then do it0
-
:noway:0
-
As a mother, I have to say if I got a letter like that, I would be completely gutted.0
-
Totally agree. This may just be the "straw that breaks the camels back" in getting your mom to begin her change.I agree with everyone that says it's up to your mom to want to change ... but I also think that the e-mail you wrote is very heart-felt and truthful without being hurtful. It actually sounds like something I would do/write if my mom were in a situation like that. You know your mom better then any of us on here and you know how she would react to recieving this email. If you think it will be good for her to hear and will help her then do it0 -
I for one, love your letter. maybe it would come off better to hand write it? I think you touched on every point needed. why not try to get her on here. I know some people her age hate computers. BUT if she just logged what she normally eats, maybe it would click. maybe she could write it and you log it for her to show her the ropes. I would gladly add her as my friend on here.
I also see how bodyrocks sees it as well. maybe she sees it as you being criticle of her size. BUT she has tried in the past, and failed. me too until I saw the light of MFP. and realized it is a life change not a diet.
Does mom know someone there? If not then who cares what she looks like!!! people do not just sit back and look at others and say things about them.
I commend your interest in helping mom, you know how hard it is to change, you work with addicts all day. You have the patients of a saint.0 -
i think it's really brave what you're doing, because it's scary to confront someone you love so much. but it's also scary to think about what your mom's doing to herself healthwise, so props for writing the letter! my suggestion would be this. . .i would keep it simple and stick to the parts about how you are worried about her. You included some goals that you think she should have. . .you would buy her a new outfit when she gets to a 20 and that she should work out 30 mins a day. I'd recommend taking those out and, after you give her the letter, sit down with her and talk. If she is receptive, then you can talk about some goals and about how to take some action. One thing she needs to realize is that SHE is in control. She's the own who controlled what she ate and did to gain so much weight and she will continue to control what she eats and does to lose, maintain, or gain more. She needs to own her own goals and if you are able to sit and talk about it, ask her what goals she would like to have. She'll probably ask you for your input and you can give it there. That way she owns it and wants to do it for herself, not just because you told her you think those should be her goals. Remember not to make the goals too daunting, start with small goals in the beginning.
Those are just my suggestions, take them or leave them, but i really hope you give your mom the letter regardless! I'll pray that she hears it from you and that this is the beginning of another journey you will take together.0 -
As a mother, I have to say if I got a letter like that, I would be completely gutted.
again, this comes down to me knowing my mother and how she'd react. I know she wouldnt be "gutted" - theres nothing really in there that I haven't said to her face to face at one time to another - but the fact she said she considering divorcing my dad because she didn't want to go on holiday "fat" was just the icing on the cake.
I know its a thin line, but I'm not trying to scare her or insult her. She has had similar conversations with me in the past when she wanted me to make changes with things.
I run a family group for parents of drug addicts - one of the sessions we do is aimed at writing a "carefrontation" - which is when they set out their new rules, what they want from that person and what they value about the relationship, how they will help, but also, what they will stop doing (or enabling) - it sort of sets the record straight after years of hurt. I suppose this was a similar thing. Sometimes realisation can be a great motivator - we often go around with our blinkers on, not seeing the true consequences of our habits.0 -
But (playing devil's advocate), if I was a mother and got a letter like that, while at first I'd probably bawl my eyes out, I'd come tot eh realization that what I'm doing is hurting more people than just me and if I really love my family I'd take care of myself. I'd also like to think I'd have more respect and admiration for the person having the courage to tell me like it is, otherwise I'd just keep lying to myself or coming up with other excuses and never doing anything.As a mother, I have to say if I got a letter like that, I would be completely gutted.
Ultimately, only you know your mom best and how she would react. Go with what you know and do so courageously. Good luck!0 -
Perhaps it's time to ask yourselves: What would we do baby, without us? And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.
Sha la la laaaaa.0 -
I'm gonna be honest and tell you that I didn't read the whole thing. I do think your heart is in the right place, though, and it's obvious how much you love your Mom! Sometimes we all need a little "tough love" and a shove in the right direction to make us realize what is going on.0
-
Totally agree. This may just be the "straw that breaks the camels back" in getting your mom to begin her change.I agree with everyone that says it's up to your mom to want to change ... but I also think that the e-mail you wrote is very heart-felt and truthful without being hurtful. It actually sounds like something I would do/write if my mom were in a situation like that. You know your mom better then any of us on here and you know how she would react to recieving this email. If you think it will be good for her to hear and will help her then do it0 -
It's a GREAT letter. Not sure it's a good thing or useful thing to send it, but it's very well written and if someone that was ready got it, it might even help them. But what is that magic ingredient that tips the scales, so to speak, that takes people from not ready to ready. For each person it's as unique as they are possibly. You know your mother, so perhaps you think you have a real shot with the letter, but it sounds like an "intervention" but without the emotional weight of a family and friends confrontational meeting. And it's the confrontation in the physical meeting that really pushes addicts in those interventions, you know what I mean?
For me, all it was was my cardiologist mentioning "Gee, it looks like you've gained some weight, do you want to jump on the scales for me?" and I said NO! But I will go to cardiac rehab and learn to work out, just sign off on it and I will be happy to go! And that was that... I was on my way.
Believe it or not, it could also be a simple one minute conversation with your mother... from the right person. The right person is just so rarely a family member, that it's a long shot and the risk of alienating her is a fraction of the risk of succeeding. You sound like a daughter any woman would be proud and lucky to have. I just hope your mother agrees on that and always does. Mother/daughter relationships are very complex.
Tread carefully - I know you will consider it at length, but you also sound a little desperate and frustrated and even a little scared that time will run out on your mother. I understand the feeling - I have family members who I will probably lose too young, but I can't MAKE them turn around, wake up, get on the bus, whatever with me. They've got to want it and if anyone can push them, it has to be the right person, the right time, the right angle and approach - I don't know, but this seems risky to your personal relationship to me. Of course so is her early demise, so I get where you're coming from. Just think twice and keep being the great daughter I know you are.
xoxo Deedee0 -
again, this comes down to me knowing my mother and how she'd react. I know she wouldnt be "gutted" - theres nothing really in there that I haven't said to her face to face at one time to another - but the fact she said she considering divorcing my dad because she didn't want to go on holiday "fat" was just the icing on the cake.
I know its a thin line, but I'm not trying to scare her or insult her. She has had similar conversations with me in the past when she wanted me to make changes with things.
I think you have a totally different level of communication with your parents than I do.
Even as a married, almost 30 mother of two, there are some things that I can't just outright say to my parents because I respect them and their abilities to make decisions for themselves and being my parents. Just me..0 -
Wow, with all due respect, this is my opinion:
I know you mean well and you love your mother and I am sure you are frustrated that she has not yet seemed to be able to conquer the weight issue no matter how much she seems to want and need to. However, in the letter you indicated the very reason why this letter won't change that. She can only do this for herself...NOT because you and other family members want her to - for whatever reason and no matter how well meaning.
You would not be telling her anything she doesn't know and beat herself up about endlessly. People have weight problems for a plethora of reasons, often MAJOR deep seeded emotional things can be involved. It is different for everyone, even though we (overweight peeps) often feel like we are "fighting the same battle". Yes, you may be nice and slim and do that by watching what you eat and working out. You may have some "tricks of the trade" that work for you and I think that is fantastic. But in the battle of the bulge, one size definitely does not fit all.
Obviously, I do not know anything about your relationship with your mom but I can imagine that the possibility...even probability exists that she is not going to hear this as the loving implore you mean it to be but more a judgement and lack of acceptance of her exactly as she is. What does it even mean "we have gotten to a tipping point here?" I am sorry, but it sounds like you are indicating conditions on your love for her.
Anyway, that is about the jist of my opinion...that giving her a letter like that is wading into dangerous waters at the least and a regret you will never be able to take back at the worst, if you end up doing more emotional damage to her in the process. And she may never tell you, so you may never know. Whatever you do, I hope you sleep on it and think about it a lot before you do and if I am being sincere...I really hope you don't.
Hope everything works out for the best.0 -
I pretty much agree with sdwelk11. And if you still feel that writing her a letter is a goo idea, then maybe take it from the approach that she shouldn't let her weight hold her back from what she wants to do, she needs to love herself and stop punishing herself by not living Life. Choosing to lose weight is like choosing to get treatment for an addiction. No drug addict ever came off drugs unless they truly wanted it and even then it is so unbelievably hard.
The last line should go away...about " tipping point..where do we go from here" because it sounds to me like you are saying that you are giving her an ultimatum - her weight or her daughter. That letter would hurt anyone regardless of whether or not they show it or not.
I think that you should love her for herself and then maybe she can learn to love herself too.0 -
I think this is a beautiful heartfelt letter & it sounds like its exactly what she needs to hear. Knowing she has the love & most importantly the support of those who matter most to her will undoubtedly set her in the right direction. It might only get your mum started but a start is all it takes. Once she see's & feels the results & knows her loved ones are behind her 100% her fears will hopefully ease.0
-
I agree with this one. My mom will be 59 next month and was always bigger than me. It wasnt until 3 years ago she finally decided it was time to lose weight. She went from a 26 to an 18 in three years. She started with "Sommersizing" by Susan Sommers. She will change when she changes.From one daughter to another:
Love your mom for who she is and accept her faults. It is up to her to decide when and if she will make personal changes. Appreciate the time you have with her because some day she will be gone and you don't want to have any regrets.
I know its hard because you want the best for her but it is not your job as her child.
:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: 0 -
I'm getting teary eyed reading this. I could have written this letter to my own mother. But she's 71 and I've never had the nerve to say anything more than "I want you around when my kids get married Mom!" and "just walk 30 minutes a day" -- stuff like that. I've never laid it all out like you have, though I wish I had. My mom has lost her vision due to diabetes. She has almost no feeling in her extremities, again from the diabetes. And when she gets the tiniest cold, it turns into full-blown pneumonia, which makes us all fear for her life every time she has a sniffle.
I say send it (though I liked the suggestion to handwrite it). If you don't', you might be where I am in 15 years, wishing I had been able to help her more before these avoidable and devastating changes took place.
Good luck. Your mom is lucky to have such a loving and caring daughter.0
This discussion has been closed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.2K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 427 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions