Dear Mom...

yesthistime

Perhaps it's time to ask yourselves: What would we do baby, without us? And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

Sha la la laaaaa.

auntdeedee87

I'm gonna be honest and tell you that I didn't read the whole thing. I do think your heart is in the right place, though, and it's obvious how much you love your Mom! Sometimes we all need a little "tough love" and a shove in the right direction to make us realize what is going on.

l00zrr

I agree with everyone that says it's up to your mom to want to change ... but I also think that the e-mail you wrote is very heart-felt and truthful without being hurtful. It actually sounds like something I would do/write if my mom were in a situation like that. You know your mom better then any of us on here and you know how she would react to recieving this email. If you think it will be good for her to hear and will help her then do it

Totally agree. This may just be the "straw that breaks the camels back" in getting your mom to begin her change.

daydream58

It's a GREAT letter. Not sure it's a good thing or useful thing to send it, but it's very well written and if someone that was ready got it, it might even help them. But what is that magic ingredient that tips the scales, so to speak, that takes people from not ready to ready. For each person it's as unique as they are possibly. You know your mother, so perhaps you think you have a real shot with the letter, but it sounds like an "intervention" but without the emotional weight of a family and friends confrontational meeting. And it's the confrontation in the physical meeting that really pushes addicts in those interventions, you know what I mean?

For me, all it was was my cardiologist mentioning "Gee, it looks like you've gained some weight, do you want to jump on the scales for me?" and I said NO! But I will go to cardiac rehab and learn to work out, just sign off on it and I will be happy to go! And that was that... I was on my way.

Believe it or not, it could also be a simple one minute conversation with your mother... from the right person. The right person is just so rarely a family member, that it's a long shot and the risk of alienating her is a fraction of the risk of succeeding. You sound like a daughter any woman would be proud and lucky to have. I just hope your mother agrees on that and always does. Mother/daughter relationships are very complex.

Tread carefully - I know you will consider it at length, but you also sound a little desperate and frustrated and even a little scared that time will run out on your mother. I understand the feeling - I have family members who I will probably lose too young, but I can't MAKE them turn around, wake up, get on the bus, whatever with me. They've got to want it and if anyone can push them, it has to be the right person, the right time, the right angle and approach - I don't know, but this seems risky to your personal relationship to me. Of course so is her early demise, so I get where you're coming from. Just think twice and keep being the great daughter I know you are.

xoxo Deedee

p0pr0cksnc0ke

again, this comes down to me knowing my mother and how she'd react. I know she wouldnt be "gutted" - theres nothing really in there that I haven't said to her face to face at one time to another - but the fact she said she considering divorcing my dad because she didn't want to go on holiday "fat" was just the icing on the cake.

I know its a thin line, but I'm not trying to scare her or insult her. She has had similar conversations with me in the past when she wanted me to make changes with things.

I think you have a totally different level of communication with your parents than I do.

Even as a married, almost 30 mother of two, there are some things that I can't just outright say to my parents because I respect them and their abilities to make decisions for themselves and being my parents. Just me..

snoopage

Wow, with all due respect, this is my opinion:

I know you mean well and you love your mother and I am sure you are frustrated that she has not yet seemed to be able to conquer the weight issue no matter how much she seems to want and need to. However, in the letter you indicated the very reason why this letter won't change that. She can only do this for herself...NOT because you and other family members want her to - for whatever reason and no matter how well meaning.

You would not be telling her anything she doesn't know and beat herself up about endlessly. People have weight problems for a plethora of reasons, often MAJOR deep seeded emotional things can be involved. It is different for everyone, even though we (overweight peeps) often feel like we are "fighting the same battle". Yes, you may be nice and slim and do that by watching what you eat and working out. You may have some "tricks of the trade" that work for you and I think that is fantastic. But in the battle of the bulge, one size definitely does not fit all.

Obviously, I do not know anything about your relationship with your mom but I can imagine that the possibility...even probability exists that she is not going to hear this as the loving implore you mean it to be but more a judgement and lack of acceptance of her exactly as she is. What does it even mean "we have gotten to a tipping point here?" I am sorry, but it sounds like you are indicating conditions on your love for her.

Anyway, that is about the jist of my opinion...that giving her a letter like that is wading into dangerous waters at the least and a regret you will never be able to take back at the worst, if you end up doing more emotional damage to her in the process. And she may never tell you, so you may never know. Whatever you do, I hope you sleep on it and think about it a lot before you do and if I am being sincere...I really hope you don't.

Hope everything works out for the best.

Laceylala

I pretty much agree with sdwelk11. And if you still feel that writing her a letter is a goo idea, then maybe take it from the approach that she shouldn't let her weight hold her back from what she wants to do, she needs to love herself and stop punishing herself by not living Life. Choosing to lose weight is like choosing to get treatment for an addiction. No drug addict ever came off drugs unless they truly wanted it and even then it is so unbelievably hard.

The last line should go away...about " tipping point..where do we go from here" because it sounds to me like you are saying that you are giving her an ultimatum - her weight or her daughter. That letter would hurt anyone regardless of whether or not they show it or not.

I think that you should love her for herself and then maybe she can learn to love herself too.

Bindibelle80

I think this is a beautiful heartfelt letter & it sounds like its exactly what she needs to hear. Knowing she has the love & most importantly the support of those who matter most to her will undoubtedly set her in the right direction. It might only get your mum started but a start is all it takes. Once she see's & feels the results & knows her loved ones are behind her 100% her fears will hopefully ease.

b00b0084

From one daughter to another:

Love your mom for who she is and accept her faults. It is up to her to decide when and if she will make personal changes. Appreciate the time you have with her because some day she will be gone and you don't want to have any regrets.

I know its hard because you want the best for her but it is not your job as her child.

:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

I agree with this one. My mom will be 59 next month and was always bigger than me. It wasnt until 3 years ago she finally decided it was time to lose weight. She went from a 26 to an 18 in three years. She started with "Sommersizing" by Susan Sommers. She will change when she changes.

momocurti

I'm getting teary eyed reading this. I could have written this letter to my own mother. But she's 71 and I've never had the nerve to say anything more than "I want you around when my kids get married Mom!" and "just walk 30 minutes a day" -- stuff like that. I've never laid it all out like you have, though I wish I had. My mom has lost her vision due to diabetes. She has almost no feeling in her extremities, again from the diabetes. And when she gets the tiniest cold, it turns into full-blown pneumonia, which makes us all fear for her life every time she has a sniffle.

I say send it (though I liked the suggestion to handwrite it). If you don't', you might be where I am in 15 years, wishing I had been able to help her more before these avoidable and devastating changes took place.

Good luck. Your mom is lucky to have such a loving and caring daughter.

Ange_

Hi,

You can take this advice if you want to. But i think from your previous responses you already made your mind up and were looking for validation that you made the right decision.

I personally don't think though that sending that letter is the right thing to do.

Your job is to be her daughter who loves and cares for her regardless. And that is regardless of of whether she spends the rest of her life morbidly obese. It sounds like she is well aware that she is overweight. It also sounds like she is going through a very bad time with her self esteem. And thus if you send her that letter you will actually make things worse i suspect as she is clearly very fragile at the moment. It sounds like she really isn't thinking very clearly at the moment, and i don't really think you are either. You are applying too much from your job to this situation. If you stop being her daughter to be her 'drug councillor' then she won't have a daughter left - and those roles are very different.

I think if you want to do something then work on things that will build up her self esteem. Perhaps talk more to your father about this. He might not be aware about the criticalness of the situation. He needs to give her more compliments about things, anything in general. If she feels like she has succeeded in something then she may start considering getting healthy with more seriousness as she may feel empowered to do so.

By the way people aren't all beautiful and thin in Australia (i'm Australian). Perhaps if she avoided the beaches she'd feel more comfortable? But maybe she just isn't really.

I also think if she does make any actual steps toward getting a divorce then your father (who i hope would not want one and would push himself towards stopping it... it seems to me that is more his job than yours) really should suggest that they get some couples counselling.

I think most of these issues you discuss are psychological, not actually physical. So hopefully whatever councillor they got would be able to work though these issues and help your mother with her self esteem too.

Anyway, take my advice, or leave it. I feel sorry that you feel like you are in such a difficult situation. I

Good luck.

Lozze

As someone who had her family tell her for 17 years how unhealthy she was and how it would be better to do this and that, this letter would be totally ineffective. She's heard it all before. She knows.

After 17 years it wasn't my parents or grandparents making a comment that got me started on this. It was me sitting at home crying over how much I hated my life that made me change.

A letter like this would have sent me to the fridge.

CaoimheAine

It's sad that your Mum doesn't realise not only her weight and way of life is affecting everyone but the way she's goes about it. If she want's to change she'll have to find to motivation to, or else stop complaining about her weight. I'd personally go on holidays without her. Her weight and issues associated should not be a burden to anyone but herself if she wants to continue being like that...

Yes, maybe I'm being harsh and a b*tch. But I've had to deal with so much mother bulls*it and it's just not fair. Maybe just let her know that by her being unhappy it's affecting everyone. If she wants to stay home sulking about being fat then let her. She has the choice.

rosebarnalice

How about changing the "final thought" to:

"and besides, on average Australians are as fat as Americans, so get over your delusions of skinny Aussies! You'll fit right in!"

Cathy92

I sent you a personal note

jill___

I think this is beautifully written and I am happy to see that you are not willing to sit back and watch your mother slowly kill herself. Having your opinion in writing, for her to read over and over until it really sinks in is the best thing your mother can have. You are doing everything you can to save your mom's life. I wish you both the best of luck!

kmbrooks15

Your letter is well-written, and I think only you know your mom well enough to know whether you should send it to her or not. However, and I think someone else recommended this too, I would hand-write it and give it to her personally. Be sure to emphasize that you will be there for her no matter what she decides to do. Also, be sure to say numerous times how much you love her. She'll need the reminder as she reads your letter.

I know several people have said you shouldn't send it because she has to decide for herself. But my feeling is this: what she's doing is not really any different from what a drug addict does. If I had a family member abusing drugs, I wouldn't be able to just stand by and let them continue that dangerous path. I'd have to say something. That's what interventions are. Your letter is an attempt at an intervention with your mom.

I don't know you or your mom, but it seems that you definitely are concerned about her. Ultimately, only you can decide whether to send the letter or not because you're the one who will have to live with the results, whether good or bad.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

LuckyLeprechaun

you're responsible for you.

she's responsible for her.

This is true: no matter how much you love them, no matter how badly you want it for them, no matter how deadly the consequences, you cannot change another person's behavior. They will only change when and if they decide it for themselves.
Through your job you ought to know that better than most.

If you need to send the letter so you can tell yourself, "I tried everything", then go ahead. But I think the likelihood of it creating the outcome you're hoping for is slim to none. Extrinsic motivation is the weakest form.

Best wishes

Ely82010

As a mother (and grandmother), and a believer that sometimes we need "tough love" with those that we love and cherish, I think that your letter is appropriate.

But I think that if you print it in a nice stationary it would be more personal than an e-mail. Maybe you can also put in the envelope a nice picture of both of you together, something that you cherish and that could help your mother to understand your love and care.

If your mother feel hurts, it is her problem, not yours. You will feel at peace knowing that you did everything that you could to guide her in right direction. Yes, she is your mother, but she also behaving a little bit like a selfish child.

I buried my mother when I was 19 years old because she refused to admit that she was having stomach problems for a long time. I wish I had been older and with more guts and experience to come to her help earlier, before she succumbed to stomach cancer.

I wish you strength and I wish your mother wisdom.

sunkisses

you're responsible for you.

she's responsible for her.

This is true: no matter how much you love them, no matter how badly you want it for them, no matter how deadly the consequences, you cannot change another person's behavior. They will only change when and if they decide it for themselves.
Through your job you ought to know that better than most.

If you need to send the letter so you can tell yourself, "I tried everything", then go ahead. But I think the likelihood of it creating the outcome you're hoping for is slim to none. Extrinsic motivation is the weakest form.

Best wishes

This.
I would just archive that letter. At least you got it out of your system. Just invite your mom for a (relaxing) walk with you from time to time, and accept that *she* has accepted this as her life/self. My mother has done the same thing. She is a human being stuck in her own body and inside of a box she created. It kills me to know that she had the life she had before and that this is the only way she knows to feel safe. That said, you don't know what motivates your mom to stay this way. Try getting to know her and understanding her. Your mother's been overweight since childhood. There's a very strong chance she, like my mother, experienced some kind of trauma growing up. Sometimes people never get over it. Life's not much like the movies. It's nice that you want to help her, and I can tell that you mean well. I'd focus my attention a little deeper, though.