Depressed boyfriend

Liluth

I wouldn't be writing here if I knew who to turn to, but my situation is so complex and I don't know what to do.

My boyfriend, Mike, is a wonderful guy. He's 27, and in school to get his degree. Our relationship is a little long distance, about an hour. No one has ever been so kind and gentle to me in my life. He is the only man to ever say I am beautiful, kind, the best girl he's ever met. We fell in love within a month and we're going on month eight. When he's happy, life with him is all I ever dreamed of. I would all too happily marry and have children with happy Mike.

Unfortunately it's a lot more complicated that that. Mike has not what I would call an "easy life". He was beaten by his father and peers for many many years as a child. His mother was the worst though. She called him stupid, worthless, so many names from a young age to now. When he brought he ex-fiancee home a while back, his mother told her, in front of Mike, that she could do better and should leave him. Being on end result of so much abuse has made him very defensive and angry. Whenever we talk about having children, all he can talk about is how he'd kill anyone who beat them up and how horrible the schools are and they're made to make kids deliberately stupid, and teachers gladly look on as students are nearly beaten to death. My mother is a teacher, so this is really hard to hear, let alone sympathize with.

To compound all this, he isn't healthy. By this I mean, he has a very painful back injury from when he was a young teenager. One of his disks is ruptured and he had to take some very hardcore painkillers to be able to ever be able to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes, he simply can't. And yet, he takes it to mean that he's this horrible person, lazy, worthless, because he misses class because of his back.

He hates the police even more. I don't think he's had any serious run ins with them, mostly speeding tickets, but he talks about them like they're Nazis. He shows me articles about police brutality, coverup stories, horrible things, but I know those police do not represent the majority. When he's really depressed, sometimes all he talk about is how much he wants to kill a cop and then goes into graphic detail.

When he's not depressed, he tells me he doesn't mean it, that he would never hurt anyone and that he's sorry. Still, if he ever did do something to a officer I would never forgive myself. I would've known and done nothing. I've told him before that this kind of talk, about killing people, about making great big huge statements about an entire group of people isn't acceptable to me, but it just seems to keep cropping up.

This isn't even covering what he says about himself. His favorite phrase is "I hate myself so much." Others include "I can't wait to die." "Hopefully I die soon." "I'm too stupid to be alive". I'll try to call him when I get these emails or texts but he rarely picks up and when he does it's just more of the same no matter how much I try to comfort him. He's convinced he's the "****tiest, ugliest boyfriend imaginable".

I feel like I'm at my breaking point. I tried to go see him last night because he's been very depressed lately and he point blank wouldn't let me. I feel like he would have made me sleep in my car or drive back or something. Yes, he is in both mental and physical THERAPY and taking ANTI-DEPRESSANTS. Although the latter is more recent. When I try to talk to him about my problems, he feels horrible and he gets depressed, saying he's ruining me life and I should break up with him.

I love him so much, although you're all probably yelling "WHY?". It's because he makes me feel so loved and special, and I have the best time when I'm close to him and he's holding me.

I guess what I'm wondering is... if you were in this situation, what would you do?

Sorry for the essay.

Mom2rh

Do NOT compartmentalize your boyfriend. You have to take a good hard look at all of him all the time. The things that you are making excuses for and rationalizing should be HUGE red flags for you. He needs help. Not you. Professional help. And as long as there are people like you in his life allowing him to get away with crap, he probably won't get that help.

Run. For. Your. Life.

odusgolp

He very, very seriously needs professional help. If you choose to stay with him, you need to make sure he gets in therapy and (in my humble opinion) medicated. Speaking of "killing" anyone is not ok in this context...

bestdaysahead

Run as fast as you can!

Liluth

Do NOT compartmentalize your boyfriend. You have to take a good hard look at all of him all the time. The things that you are making excuses for and rationalizing should be HUGE red flags for you. He needs help. Not you. Professional help. And as long as there are people like you in his life allowing him to get away with crap, he probably won't get that help.

Run. For. Your. Life.

I was afraid you were going to say that. It just feels so wrong to leave him when I feel like he needs help the most. (He is getting professional help, in the form of anti-depressants and therapy. I don't suppose that changes things?)

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for taking the time to tell me what you think.

poustotah

Okay, I was verbally abused by my mother and physically abused by my father. I was told a lot of the same things and beaten repeatedly and here's where I'm at.

I went through a LOT of hard times after I left home. I had a boyfriend that beat me while I was pregnant. I had another boyfriend that was an absolute monster in every imaginable way. And then I decided I was sick of not being able to have relationships with anyone and always running away from everything. And literally, that's what I would do. If something wasn't going well, I would move to another state. I drank myself stupid and kept a distance from people. I was angry and hateful. Then I got counseling. A LOT of counseling and I discovered that I am a good person. I'm hard to be around because I'm honest but I respect myself and the people around me.

Mike has to get there. He has to get help. If he doesn't and the two of you were to get married at some point, he would be very capable and very likely to transfer the things that happened to him to your children and to you. There are TONS of venues available to help people like him, including medication if need be but he has to want to get help and he has to take the steps to fix these issues.

I'm no longer in counseling, but I do counsel people that were in a similar situation as myself. I no longer talk to my mother because she doesn't respect me and I choose not to be around people that don't have any respect for me. I keep a distance from my father now because I know what he's capable of and while he has changed his attitude towards me and I forgive his actions, I do not forget them.

Good luck.

LATeagno

I realize that you'll never take this advice, but seriously-- he has to change himself. No amount of therapy or drugs is going to change him until he truly wants to change himself. If you feel that he is incapable of that, then his problem is beyond a typical case of depression. He sounds mentally unstable. All it's going to do is frustrate you. Women who are beaten or abused (I know you're not) often use the saying, "but when he's not hitting me, he's the most wonderful man in the world!" I can see this in you.

A relationship is a package deal. I wouldn't eat a chocolate chip cookie with a shard of glass in it even though 95% of the cookie might be delicious.

If you stay with him, he may very well drag you down with him. I hate to say it, but it's time to move on and focus on yourself.

PlanetVelma

He very, very seriously needs professional help. If you choose to stay with him, you need to make sure he gets in therapy and (in my humble opinion) medicated. Speaking of "killing" anyone is not ok in this context...

This!

There are plenty of people who have not had an easy life, had a sh*tty childhood and do NOT act this way.

It's very possible when he's in a very negative mood his meds aren't working for him, he's having an adverse affect or just flat stopped taking them.

The simple fact that you put this "out there" on a forum speaks volumes, you are at your breaking point.

Cinnamonie

I don't know about what the others are saying about running....I see their point but he doesn't sound dangerous for you....I mean, you sound like you are being supportive and that you love him. What would you abandoning him do to him? It would crush him. It sounds like you are all he has, and that you are in love but worried. I would NOT say to abandon this guy. He is in dire straits, and if you want to help him (which it sounds like you do), running would NOT be the thing I would say to do.

So one thing I want to say is some anti-depressants make things worse for suicidal thoughts, so is this something new? Is he open to switching therapists if this one isn't working?

When my boyfriend was recovering from knee surgery it got very hard for the both of us, for some reason it hit him hard and he would say things like what's the point of getting up if you're just going to go back to bed again. In addition my father got really low when he had a back injury. Not being mobile affects your mental state incredibly. Not that this is as bad as what your boyfriend is saying but you love him, and I mean, he's been through some tough stuff, people can stick these things out and hopefully he will come out the other side and you two will be stronger for it. I mean, you don't think he would REALLY kill a cop, do you? If you have those doubts that's one thing, but it sounds like he has anger and depression and is just throwing these words around to express that....I would just try to help him, maybe switch therapists, stick it out if you truly love him and he is not a danger to you...feel free to message me if you need some support through this

EDIT: a little more about my father, he was so snippy and nasty and miserable during this time when he was on pain killers, etc. for the back pain. Now the back pain has not gotten better but he dropped the painkillers and his mood improved drastically. I mean, it was to the point that every word we said was a personal attack against him. He always had anger problems when I was growing up but the injury just sunk him low. Again, yes a lot of people recover fine but sometimes the lack of mobility and freedom that comes with a back injury REALLY hurts people mentally. I just hate to think of someone else abandoning this kid when it seems everyone else has...

lloydrt

you asked for an honest answer

I definitely wouldnt want my sister to date some one like him.........think about it, youre not even married to him or engaged, and youre here online asking us what we think

I think you know the answer...........

Hellbent_Heidi

He definitely needs some professional help!

I had a brother-in-law who was hooked on painkillers after a workplace injury. He was mean and nasty for years, so much so that we didn't even tell him we were getting married, because nobody from his own family even wanted him at our wedding. They were so worried that he would cause trouble, and also, he lived out of state and couldn't be trusted to stay with anyone because he would steal to get money for the drugs. The ending to his story is very bad..last New Years Eve we got a call that he'd been found in his home with a (self-inflicted) bullet in his head. The depression and the physical pain was just too much for him to handle.

It sounds like you really love him, but please think long and hard before you committ to being with someone like this. A lot of mental illness can be inherited, and if you have children with this man, there's a good chance they could have similar emotional problems as well. It sound like he treats you well, but you said its a semi-long-distance thing, so you don't know what it might be like to live with him every day when the mood swings are so huge!

I wish you the best in your decision, but seriously..you need to consider (from every angle) what kind of life you could have with this man.

lorac321

You need to get out of there. It almost sounds like mental abuse.

lumilowlander

Having been with someone like that before, I can only say that the sooner you leave him - the better off you'll be. A lot of what you wrote rang true for me. I was with a guy for 5 years who was quite depressed, and eventually he took out his frustrations out on me. He got physical, and all I could think at the time was that he wasn't always that way, etc. It wasn't until he threw me down a flight of stairs and broke three of my ribs, that I finally got the courage to leave. I stayed with him as long as I did, because he kept threatening to kill himself if I left him. (He's still alive, and probably abusing his current girlfriend.)

I do hope that you choose what's right. Though, at the end of the day only you can choose to leave. No one can force you.

Liluth

Okay, I was verbally abused by my mother and physically abused by my father. I was told a lot of the same things and beaten repeatedly and here's where I'm at.

I went through a LOT of hard times after I left home. I had a boyfriend that beat me while I was pregnant. I had another boyfriend that was an absolute monster in every imaginable way. And then I decided I was sick of not being able to have relationships with anyone and always running away from everything. And literally, that's what I would do. If something wasn't going well, I would move to another state. I drank myself stupid and kept a distance from people. I was angry and hateful. Then I got counseling. A LOT of counseling and I discovered that I am a good person. I'm hard to be around because I'm honest but I respect myself and the people around me.

Mike has to get there. He has to get help. If he doesn't and the two of you were to get married at some point, he would be very capable and very likely to transfer the things that happened to him to your children and to you. There are TONS of venues available to help people like him, including medication if need be but he has to want to get help and he has to take the steps to fix these issues.

I'm no longer in counseling, but I do counsel people that were in a similar situation as myself. I no longer talk to my mother because she doesn't respect me and I choose not to be around people that don't have any respect for me. I keep a distance from my father now because I know what he's capable of and while he has changed his attitude towards me and I forgive his actions, I do not forget them.

Good luck.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I know only a little bit of the pain you must have gone through, but enough to know that you're incredibly strong and admirable. I hope some day (with or without me) Mike will be able to share a similar story.

I would like to clarify that he is getting help through a psychologist and anti-depressants. Our relationship is pretty much contingent that he continues both. I realize that I shouldn't be the one counseling him, but I'm finding it really difficult to see the line between support and enabling. Very good point that physical abuse is possible down the line... I had not thought of that because he has never hurt me.

Thanks again.

vim_n_vigor

If you love him, stay with him and support him, but understand, his problems are not yours and you can not run to fix things for him. He has to do that himself. Advice on kids: Absolutely do not until he is healthy. If he is never healthy enough and you want to stay with him forever, don't have kids.

silvergurl518

i hope you do what you feel is right in your heart, whatever that may be. it sounds as if he's dragging you down but i can't imagine the wealth of pain you must be feeling right now. i hope you do what's needed to take care of yourself...understanding that walking away doesn't mean you don't love your boyfriend, but that you love yourself more....

ahinescapron

You can't be his entire support system and you can't stay with someone because they "need" you. It sounds like he needs to get stabilized on his meds and get through some serious therapy, before he is in a serious relationship. I know you love him, but he can't be a good partner until he is whole. If he wants a future with you, he is going to have to deal with his past. You need to take a step back and not be someone who enables him to continue in his old patterns. I know it is tough, but it is better for both of you. Marriage and childrearing are hard enough without bringing so much baggage into it. I hope it all works out for you both.

BeeElMarvin

Get him some help, or get out.

dragonbait0126

You stated that he is already in therapy. Have you gone to see his therapist to express your concerns and to tell him/her what your boyfriend is saying to you, especially regarding the violence part? There are people who will say one thing ont he street but once in therapist office they don't talk or it's the exact opposite of what they are saying/doing elsewhere. You have 2 choices for you personally. You can either stay and give him the love and support he needs and deserves OR you can recognize the symtoms he is expressing and run like he!!. The violence that he is expressing through words are HUGE red flags. I'm glad he is seeking help but whether or not that therapy actually works is up to him. Whatever you do though, be honest with him. Doing something behind his back or not giving him the real reason for an action will only add to his delusions and psycopathy. The other question I have to ask is you stated that you are in love with him. Take a good long look at that and ask yourself if you are truly IN love with him or if your need/want to take care of, help, and love him is being mistaken for being IN love with him. From your posts it sounds like you do truly care for him and I'm not trying to say that your love isn't real but I've been in a similar situation and realized what I thought I felt was not really what I felt.

lloydrt

I was just thinking,, if you did marry him , and be honest

would you want your children to be around this? I m being honest and sincere, I was around an abusive drunk father my whole life and its been rough........thats why I brought up the dilemma about your children

you may want to talk to a counsellor about this.......its good you are exploring your options, but how many times , esp lately, where the husband takes his life, only after taking out the whole family........its sad, but you need to know what the stakes are before you commit..........good luck, Ill pray for you at my church Lloyd

krissagirl0709

He defenitly needs some help, probably more then you can give him. My sons dad sounds alot like him. He was also very abused by his dad and then taken out of the home and badly abused by foster care providers. But those arent excuses for how he acts today it is now up to him to get the help. I hate the way he talks about the police and just the people he hangs out with. I could go on but I wont. I was very young when I met him. Your boyfriend needs to get help before you take any commitments together, bringing kids in the picture will make it more complicated. I wish you lots of luck! Its difficult but he needs to care about himself too!