Depressed boyfriend

Liluth

A message to everyone:

Please know that I do have boundaries that are deal breakers no matter how much I love him. If he ever hit me, one of my loved ones, or threatened to kill himself if I left him, I would leave. No begging, no tears, no threats would keep me there. I don't care if we were married at that point, had kids, he owned everything, whatever. Some of what is going on can indeed be interpreted as mental abuse, but those things cross a line for me that can never be forgiven.

I also know that a lot of you have written me off as a lost cause. Someone who asks for advice but doesn't take it. Please, please know that each and every one of you has helped me immeasurably. Never stop encouraging people who are in abusive relationships to get out. Even if they don't take your advice, every word is a step toward them doing what is best for themselves.

La_Amazona

Do NOT compartmentalize your boyfriend. You have to take a good hard look at all of him all the time. The things that you are making excuses for and rationalizing should be HUGE red flags for you. He needs help. Not you. Professional help. And as long as there are people like you in his life allowing him to get away with crap, he probably won't get that help.

Run. For. Your. Life.

I was afraid you were going to say that. It just feels so wrong to leave him when I feel like he needs help the most. (He is getting professional help, in the form of anti-depressants and therapy. I don't suppose that changes things?)

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for taking the time to tell me what you think.

You can do what you want. I'm a nurturer by nature. When I see someone hurting, I have a great urge to help them and make it better. In relationships, it's great because I'm told I'm there like nobody else, that nobody understands them like me, etc.. but when I look at the situation from a different perspective, I see that being a nurturer can also be a bad thing because I lose myself when I'm so involved in someone else's issues. I might also be much more invested in them than they are in me, which is where I'll potentially get hurt.

What I'm trying to say is, if you choose to "be there", be very careful. Honestly, this would weigh me down. My ex got into a depressed funk. I tried EVERYTHING to help him. I'd have knots in my stomach from the anxiety I'd have because I was worried about him. I also would stay up late and cry myself to sleep because I just didn't know what else I could do to make it better.
And you know what I found out?? That I could do nothing. You cannot save somebody. Nothing you can do will save your bf from himself. It's great he's in therapy and getting help. I commend him for that... hopefully he gets better soon.

Take care of yourself. Don't merge yourself with him. Listen if you want, be a shoulder but don't take on his issues. All his childhood stuff is his to deal with and hopefully he will.

TheRoadDog

Sounds like trouble you don't need. You sound like an enabler and if you continue on the chances are he will bring you down rather than you bring him up.

Fly_Tyn

Call the cops and give them a heads up. If he ever does anything and you knew about it and did nothing then you can be charged with a crime also.

Oh, and run, fast, far, and don't look back.

mleoni092708

If the dr's haven't mentioned it, ask them if he could possibly be bipolar. Bipolar is often misdiagnosed as depression. Ask if he would benefit from a mood stabilizer like Lithium or Lamictal. Rage can be the bipolar showing up.

My husband had a rough childhood and also sometimes has issues controlling his temper. It's very frustrating.

The thing is, it's going to take quite a long time before he gets better enough to live a relatively happy life. It can take several years to get the right combination of meds that help, and who knows how long for the therapy.

Only you know what's best for you and I wish you the best of luck. If you think he's the one for you, then give him the support he needs just as if you were his wife (in sickness and in health). If you don't think you can handle the situation, it's not good for either of you to drag it out any longer. I'm so sorry for your situation and what your poor boyfriend has gone through.

Mom2rh

I think, based on your responses, that he is verbally abusing you. I think YOU need to see a counselor to find out why you are putting up with it. And to give the the cajones to walk away.

SDkitty

A relationship is a package deal. I wouldn't eat a chocolate chip cookie with a shard of glass in it even though 95% of the cookie might be delicious.

^^This is exactly right. I think where you are right now it is ok to eat around the glass as long as you are still in love with him and are actually helping him, not just enabling him, but as far as a future (marriage, family), I think it is a very bad idea until he is much much healthier.

Unfortunately, a lot of times smart girls end up in bad situations because they are very giving and want to help people.

I have been this girl and I agree that you sound like this girl as well. You are a good, loving, giving person and although he's not taking advantage of that on purpose, he's sick, he is taking away from you living your life because you're constantly taking care of him. In my situation I had to leave and never look back but I understand that it can be difficult and if you love him enough to stay then I strongly suggest you get to know his therapist and even try joint sessions.

If the dr's haven't mentioned it, ask them if he could possibly be bipolar. Bipolar is often misdiagnosed as depression. Ask if he would benefit from a mood stabilizer like Lithium or Lamictal. Rage can be the bipolar showing up.

^^ This was my very first thought after reading your story. You have very difficult decisions ahead of you but you are a strong beautiful woman and you will make the right choices.


LLAP :flowerforyou:

Liluth

I don't know if anyone will see this update but I just wanted to let you all know that I have left Mike. I left him roughly a year ago actually and I'm just now beginning to date again. I learned a lot from being in a relationship like that and I know now what kind of warning signs to look for in a potential boyfriend/husband. He never did hit me but I realize now that it WAS an abusive relationship. It was an emotionally, mentally, psychologically abusive relationship. I felt like I couldn't leave him without being responsible for the death he threatened me with almost everyday. Well, a year after our break up and he's still alive, still in school. I look back at all your responses and it brings tears to my eyes, how much you all cared for me, a complete stranger. If I could've cared for my own mental health half as much as all you kind people did, I wouldn't have been with him as long as I was.

I'm doing much better today. Happier, healthier, back to losing weight. I was so depressed and miserable with Mike that I ate and ate until I'd gone from 180 to 240. I'm now under 200 again. I have my first date tonight with a very nice man who has a cheerful, positive outlook on life. I'm very nervous, but also excited!

Thank you again for all of your support and kind words. They still mean the world to me.

NotShena

Good for you!

Spnneil06

Hi I am Melanie. I have been married to a depressed, bi polar man for 16 years. It is not a road I would suggest to anyone. My husband to had a really rough childhood, including watching his 5 year old sister being ran over by a drunk motorcyclist in front of his other sisters and babysitter. I didn't see the signs before, well I was 17 when I got married, I was a child and didn't see what was there. Is he on medication? Does he see a doctor? Are you prepared to shelter your children from daddy?? I know you say you love HAPPY boyfriend, but can you love "sad, depressed I want to die" boyfriend? I say don't rush into marriage too soon, and if you do wait for babies. See if YOU can handle him before you add innocent children that don't need that in their life. I speak from sad experience! Much love!

Spnneil06

Great choice..I didn't read the original date! Lol! LIfe is too short and I hope he gets help!

MinnieInMaine

I'm so happy to read your update OP!

smantha32

I don't know about what the others are saying about running....I see their point but he doesn't sound dangerous for you....I mean, you sound like you are being supportive and that you love him. What would you abandoning him do to him? It would crush him. It sounds like you are all he has, and that you are in love but worried. I would NOT say to abandon this guy. He is in dire straits, and if you want to help him (which it sounds like you do), running would NOT be the thing I would say to do.

So one thing I want to say is some anti-depressants make things worse for suicidal thoughts, so is this something new? Is he open to switching therapists if this one isn't working?

When my boyfriend was recovering from knee surgery it got very hard for the both of us, for some reason it hit him hard and he would say things like what's the point of getting up if you're just going to go back to bed again. In addition my father got really low when he had a back injury. Not being mobile affects your mental state incredibly. Not that this is as bad as what your boyfriend is saying but you love him, and I mean, he's been through some tough stuff, people can stick these things out and hopefully he will come out the other side and you two will be stronger for it. I mean, you don't think he would REALLY kill a cop, do you? If you have those doubts that's one thing, but it sounds like he has anger and depression and is just throwing these words around to express that....I would just try to help him, maybe switch therapists, stick it out if you truly love him and he is not a danger to you...feel free to message me if you need some support through this

EDIT: a little more about my father, he was so snippy and nasty and miserable during this time when he was on pain killers, etc. for the back pain. Now the back pain has not gotten better but he dropped the painkillers and his mood improved drastically. I mean, it was to the point that every word we said was a personal attack against him. He always had anger problems when I was growing up but the injury just sunk him low. Again, yes a lot of people recover fine but sometimes the lack of mobility and freedom that comes with a back injury REALLY hurts people mentally. I just hate to think of someone else abandoning this kid when it seems everyone else has...

Bad advice. She's not responsible for his well being. And if he could be dangerous she needs to be away from him.

independant2406

So happy to hear you made the choice that was best for you. Good for you for having the guts to do what it takes. Wishing you many happy and healthy days in the future with the perfect guy.

smantha32

I don't know if anyone will see this update but I just wanted to let you all know that I have left Mike. I left him roughly a year ago actually and I'm just now beginning to date again. I learned a lot from being in a relationship like that and I know now what kind of warning signs to look for in a potential boyfriend/husband. He never did hit me but I realize now that it WAS an abusive relationship. It was an emotionally, mentally, psychologically abusive relationship. I felt like I couldn't leave him without being responsible for the death he threatened me with almost everyday. Well, a year after our break up and he's still alive, still in school. I look back at all your responses and it brings tears to my eyes, how much you all cared for me, a complete stranger. If I could've cared for my own mental health half as much as all you kind people did, I wouldn't have been with him as long as I was.

I'm doing much better today. Happier, healthier, back to losing weight. I was so depressed and miserable with Mike that I ate and ate until I'd gone from 180 to 240. I'm now under 200 again. I have my first date tonight with a very nice man who has a cheerful, positive outlook on life. I'm very nervous, but also excited!

Thank you again for all of your support and kind words. They still mean the world to me.

awesome! congratulations.

sensitivefool

As someone with a similar background to your boyfriend, I say this;

It is not your job to help him.
He makes you uncomfortable.
End it.


Edit:: oh, good! You did. Smart cookie!

So_Much_Fab

Removed my initial advice (to leave him), I should have read the whole thread before posting!

OP, glad to hear that you did leave and you're happier and healthier because of it. Good luck on your date!

UsedToBeHusky

It's really okay to love someone with a mental health issue. Just realize what that means for you. Decide for yourself if both Mikes put together (happy and depressed) is someone you can spend your life with. Can you accept him for who he is? Can you support him when he needs you? If he is in treatment and on medication, he is doing everything that he can. Are you able to give him what he needs?

Edit: So I just saw your update. I'm glad you were able to make a decision that was right for you. I'm going to leave my advice up though just in case someone else needs it.

libbydoodle11

I don't know if anyone will see this update but I just wanted to let you all know that I have left Mike. I left him roughly a year ago actually and I'm just now beginning to date again. I learned a lot from being in a relationship like that and I know now what kind of warning signs to look for in a potential boyfriend/husband. He never did hit me but I realize now that it WAS an abusive relationship. It was an emotionally, mentally, psychologically abusive relationship. I felt like I couldn't leave him without being responsible for the death he threatened me with almost everyday. Well, a year after our break up and he's still alive, still in school. I look back at all your responses and it brings tears to my eyes, how much you all cared for me, a complete stranger. If I could've cared for my own mental health half as much as all you kind people did, I wouldn't have been with him as long as I was.

I'm doing much better today. Happier, healthier, back to losing weight. I was so depressed and miserable with Mike that I ate and ate until I'd gone from 180 to 240. I'm now under 200 again. I have my first date tonight with a very nice man who has a cheerful, positive outlook on life. I'm very nervous, but also excited!

Thank you again for all of your support and kind words. They still mean the world to me.

awesome! congratulations.

Oh, thank goodness! Congratulations on moving on with your life and taking care of yourself.

SDkitty

I'm sorry that you went through that but I'm glad the decisions you made have ultimately made you happier and stronger, after all, that's what life is all about :flowerforyou: