Depressed boyfriend

kristilovescake

I think he needs professional help.

(not being an expert or having any experience, just knowing a couple people) it sounds like more than just depression, like there might be something else going on such as being bi-polar or paranoid schizophrenic.

If he sees a professional, they can fix him up with meds that will stabilize his moods and make him not hate life so much. With his past, he really needs to go to therapy.

Liluth

I don't know about what the others are saying about running....I see their point but he doesn't sound dangerous for you....I mean, you sound like you are being supportive and that you love him. What would you abandoning him do to him? It would crush him. It sounds like you are all he has, and that you are in love but worried. I would NOT say to abandon this guy. He is in dire straits, and if you want to help him (which it sounds like you do), running would NOT be the thing I would say to do.

So one thing I want to say is some anti-depressants make things worse for suicidal thoughts, so is this something new? Is he open to switching therapists if this one isn't working?

When my boyfriend was recovering from knee surgery it got very hard for the both of us, for some reason it hit him hard and he would say things like what's the point of getting up if you're just going to go back to bed again. In addition my father got really low when he had a back injury. Not being mobile affects your mental state incredibly. Not that this is as bad as what your boyfriend is saying but you love him, and I mean, he's been through some tough stuff, people can stick these things out and hopefully he will come out the other side and you two will be stronger for it. I mean, you don't think he would REALLY kill a cop, do you? If you have those doubts that's one thing, but it sounds like he has anger and depression and is just throwing these words around to express that....I would just try to help him, maybe switch therapists, stick it out if you truly love him and he is not a danger to you...feel free to message me if you need some support through this

EDIT: a little more about my father, he was so snippy and nasty and miserable during this time when he was on pain killers, etc. for the back pain. Now the back pain has not gotten better but he dropped the painkillers and his mood improved drastically. I mean, it was to the point that every word we said was a personal attack against him. He always had anger problems when I was growing up but the injury just sunk him low. Again, yes a lot of people recover fine but sometimes the lack of mobility and freedom that comes with a back injury REALLY hurts people mentally. I just hate to think of someone else abandoning this kid when it seems everyone else has...

Your father's behavior when he wasn't mobile sounds a lot like Mike. He often says, "If this is how I feel at 27, what is it going to be like at 47?" He feels like his life is over which is why therapy has been so good for him. He just started Wellbutrin about a week ago, so that's probably been affecting him a bit. I've been on anti-depressants (I still should be to be honest) and it gets worse before it gets better.

You're right about him never hurting me, physically at least. He accidentally elbowed me while we were building something once and he got so upset, lol. He's never threatened, either. Although, sometimes I think there is some mental abuse going on, just because of how upset I get when these episodes occur. It really affects my ability to make it through the day.

I hate to give up on him, but it's looking more and more like I'll have to do that if only to preserve myself .

Thank you for being so understanding. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

Liluth

If you love him, stay with him and support him, but understand, his problems are not yours and you can not run to fix things for him. He has to do that himself. Advice on kids: Absolutely do not until he is healthy. If he is never healthy enough and you want to stay with him forever, don't have kids.

I had come to that conclusion. A child is so impressionable, the things he says sometimes would be really horrible to grow up around. But thank you for confirming that child with him would be a horrible horrible idea.

Liluth

I was just thinking,, if you did marry him , and be honest

would you want your children to be around this? I m being honest and sincere, I was around an abusive drunk father my whole life and its been rough........thats why I brought up the dilemma about your children

you may want to talk to a counsellor about this.......its good you are exploring your options, but how many times , esp lately, where the husband takes his life, only after taking out the whole family........its sad, but you need to know what the stakes are before you commit..........good luck, Ill pray for you at my church Lloyd

Thank you Lloyd for your honesty. I wanted nothing but.

You are right, I would NEVER NEVER want a child to be around him when he is like that. If it is painful for me to hear, though understand, I can only imagine how devastating it would be to a child. They would take it personally and a lifetime of therapy for themselves would be in their future. I've had to make the painful decision that, if I stayed with him, we wouldn't have children unless he somehow completely recovered (highly unlikely, highly!)

Thank you again for being honest. I really need that. Sometimes you know what you have to do, but you can't bring yourself to do it for whatever reason. I have a lot to think about.

vim_n_vigor

If you love him, stay with him and support him, but understand, his problems are not yours and you can not run to fix things for him. He has to do that himself. Advice on kids: Absolutely do not until he is healthy. If he is never healthy enough and you want to stay with him forever, don't have kids.

I had come to that conclusion. A child is so impressionable, the things he says sometimes would be really horrible to grow up around. But thank you for confirming that child with him would be a horrible horrible idea.

The children would have a horrible time, but you would as well. Raising children takes a lot emotionally, and if you are spending your time worrying about him instead of your kids, you don't have the support and you don't have enough left of you to take care of yourself or your kids. There are a lot of choices you will need to be very careful about if you stay with him. If he is not willing to work through his issues and possible mental illness (likely caused by his childhood conditions), your life will be hell. I have lived it. I am still living it.

Liluth

You stated that he is already in therapy. Have you gone to see his therapist to express your concerns and to tell him/her what your boyfriend is saying to you, especially regarding the violence part? There are people who will say one thing ont he street but once in therapist office they don't talk or it's the exact opposite of what they are saying/doing elsewhere. You have 2 choices for you personally. You can either stay and give him the love and support he needs and deserves OR you can recognize the symtoms he is expressing and run like he!!. The violence that he is expressing through words are HUGE red flags. I'm glad he is seeking help but whether or not that therapy actually works is up to him. Whatever you do though, be honest with him. Doing something behind his back or not giving him the real reason for an action will only add to his delusions and psycopathy. The other question I have to ask is you stated that you are in love with him. Take a good long look at that and ask yourself if you are truly IN love with him or if your need/want to take care of, help, and love him is being mistaken for being IN love with him. From your posts it sounds like you do truly care for him and I'm not trying to say that your love isn't real but I've been in a similar situation and realized what I thought I felt was not really what I felt.

I had similar concerns because it seemed like therapy wasn't doing much good. I attended a session and he was saying the same things to the psychologist that he said with me. I think now it's just a matter of getting him on the right anti-depressant (Wellbutrin at the moment).

Being new to relationships, I have often wondered if I really love Mike or if, like you said, my wanting to take care of him is getting mistaken for love. I don't know. I do know it hurts, physically, when I think about never seeing him again, or seeing his smile. I know I would do anything he asked of me, short of hurting him, myself or others. I know that if I could be SURE, or at least 99% sure, that he would be better off single, I would break up with him right now no matter how much I might cry.

Thank you, thank you for taking the time to respond. I feel like I haven't been thinking clearly, and strangers somehow seem to have the best advice, hah.

lloydrt

in your replies, you mention a subject about hurting people.........you said you wouldnt hurt yourself, him or others

he talks about hurting police, hurting himself, but he wouldnt hurt you,

lots of talk about "hurting" in this post.........again, Im older and a bit wiser, and Im not going to preach, but theres just something wrong with this picture. I think hes bi polar or paranoid schzophrenec, somethings just not right here..... I think you are niave , and hes aware of it and hes going to eventually control you, control your relationships with friends and family, isolate you from reality

I would really really get counselling and advice from older more expericed and wise people you have in your life. Maybe do joint counselling, but dont just jump into this relationship.........theres just something wrong here and you need to find out before you make serious committments......good luck, I really hope you find the way........

writtenINthestars

It sounds like he needs much more serious help besides some anti depressants and counseling or whatever....in patient therapy or some sort of program. And I agree that maybe if you can go with him to therapy because it's very easy to convey one thing to someone and then be a completely different person at home....you're best way to help would be to make sure that the doctors are getting all the information and taking it seriously.


I kind of feel whether you leave or not, he's a danger to himself and with that being said, I do believe he could be a possible danger to you. Until he is either ordered to get serious help or seeks it out on his own, just you being there isn't going to necessarily keep him from going off the deep end.

My heart goes out to you and it's wonderful you are such a caring person...I honestly don't know what I'd do if I was in the same situation.

Hellbent_Heidi

Can I be totally honest? From your replies, you seem like a VERY smart girl (your psychology schooling is evident). Unfortunately, a lot of times smart girls end up in bad situations because they are very giving and want to help people.

You've obviously been working hard at finishing school and will likely have a good career from your degree. Please be sure you make equally smart decisions when choosing a partner in life. In a perfect world, the medicine will work miracles and he'll 'get over' all of his problems, but with your education, you probably know the likelihood of that happening better than any of us. Try to imagine what life might be like 5 or 10 years down the road with a man like this. You deserve to be happy, and you are still very young. There are plenty other guys out there that can make you feel beautiful and loved without sucking the life-blood out of you. Your whole future is in your hands...be sure to make smart choices!

Liluth

Can I be totally honest? From your replies, you seem like a VERY smart girl (your psychology schooling is evident). Unfortunately, a lot of times smart girls end up in bad situations because they are very giving and want to help people.

You've obviously been working hard at finishing school and will likely have a good career from your degree. Please be sure you make equally smart decisions when choosing a partner in life. In a perfect world, the medicine will work miracles and he'll 'get over' all of his problems, but with your education, you probably know the likelihood of that happening better than any of us. Try to imagine what life might be like 5 or 10 years down the road with a man like this. You deserve to be happy, and you are still very young. There are plenty other guys out there that can make you feel beautiful and loved without sucking the life-blood out of you. Your whole future is in your hands...be sure to make smart choices!

Haha, oh, Heidl, I had hoped no one would notice the psychology background . I do know the likelihood of him making a full recovery and it's basically null. Being in psychology, you'd think I'd know better.

I feel so very very stupid having stayed in so long, and continuing to do so when I know it's not good for me when he's like that. I KNOW, based on what I've told you all, that the smart thing would be to leave. It just breaks my heart when I try to come up with what I would say (honesty without being brutal) and I envision the look on his face... empathy kills my attempts every time.

Liluth

A message to everyone:

Please know that I do have boundaries that are deal breakers no matter how much I love him. If he ever hit me, one of my loved ones, or threatened to kill himself if I left him, I would leave. No begging, no tears, no threats would keep me there. I don't care if we were married at that point, had kids, he owned everything, whatever. Some of what is going on can indeed be interpreted as mental abuse, but those things cross a line for me that can never be forgiven.

I also know that a lot of you have written me off as a lost cause. Someone who asks for advice but doesn't take it. Please, please know that each and every one of you has helped me immeasurably. Never stop encouraging people who are in abusive relationships to get out. Even if they don't take your advice, every word is a step toward them doing what is best for themselves.

La_Amazona

Do NOT compartmentalize your boyfriend. You have to take a good hard look at all of him all the time. The things that you are making excuses for and rationalizing should be HUGE red flags for you. He needs help. Not you. Professional help. And as long as there are people like you in his life allowing him to get away with crap, he probably won't get that help.

Run. For. Your. Life.

I was afraid you were going to say that. It just feels so wrong to leave him when I feel like he needs help the most. (He is getting professional help, in the form of anti-depressants and therapy. I don't suppose that changes things?)

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for taking the time to tell me what you think.

You can do what you want. I'm a nurturer by nature. When I see someone hurting, I have a great urge to help them and make it better. In relationships, it's great because I'm told I'm there like nobody else, that nobody understands them like me, etc.. but when I look at the situation from a different perspective, I see that being a nurturer can also be a bad thing because I lose myself when I'm so involved in someone else's issues. I might also be much more invested in them than they are in me, which is where I'll potentially get hurt.

What I'm trying to say is, if you choose to "be there", be very careful. Honestly, this would weigh me down. My ex got into a depressed funk. I tried EVERYTHING to help him. I'd have knots in my stomach from the anxiety I'd have because I was worried about him. I also would stay up late and cry myself to sleep because I just didn't know what else I could do to make it better.
And you know what I found out?? That I could do nothing. You cannot save somebody. Nothing you can do will save your bf from himself. It's great he's in therapy and getting help. I commend him for that... hopefully he gets better soon.

Take care of yourself. Don't merge yourself with him. Listen if you want, be a shoulder but don't take on his issues. All his childhood stuff is his to deal with and hopefully he will.

TheRoadDog

Sounds like trouble you don't need. You sound like an enabler and if you continue on the chances are he will bring you down rather than you bring him up.

Fly_Tyn

Call the cops and give them a heads up. If he ever does anything and you knew about it and did nothing then you can be charged with a crime also.

Oh, and run, fast, far, and don't look back.

mleoni092708

If the dr's haven't mentioned it, ask them if he could possibly be bipolar. Bipolar is often misdiagnosed as depression. Ask if he would benefit from a mood stabilizer like Lithium or Lamictal. Rage can be the bipolar showing up.

My husband had a rough childhood and also sometimes has issues controlling his temper. It's very frustrating.

The thing is, it's going to take quite a long time before he gets better enough to live a relatively happy life. It can take several years to get the right combination of meds that help, and who knows how long for the therapy.

Only you know what's best for you and I wish you the best of luck. If you think he's the one for you, then give him the support he needs just as if you were his wife (in sickness and in health). If you don't think you can handle the situation, it's not good for either of you to drag it out any longer. I'm so sorry for your situation and what your poor boyfriend has gone through.

Mom2rh

I think, based on your responses, that he is verbally abusing you. I think YOU need to see a counselor to find out why you are putting up with it. And to give the the cajones to walk away.

SDkitty

A relationship is a package deal. I wouldn't eat a chocolate chip cookie with a shard of glass in it even though 95% of the cookie might be delicious.

^^This is exactly right. I think where you are right now it is ok to eat around the glass as long as you are still in love with him and are actually helping him, not just enabling him, but as far as a future (marriage, family), I think it is a very bad idea until he is much much healthier.

Unfortunately, a lot of times smart girls end up in bad situations because they are very giving and want to help people.

I have been this girl and I agree that you sound like this girl as well. You are a good, loving, giving person and although he's not taking advantage of that on purpose, he's sick, he is taking away from you living your life because you're constantly taking care of him. In my situation I had to leave and never look back but I understand that it can be difficult and if you love him enough to stay then I strongly suggest you get to know his therapist and even try joint sessions.

If the dr's haven't mentioned it, ask them if he could possibly be bipolar. Bipolar is often misdiagnosed as depression. Ask if he would benefit from a mood stabilizer like Lithium or Lamictal. Rage can be the bipolar showing up.

^^ This was my very first thought after reading your story. You have very difficult decisions ahead of you but you are a strong beautiful woman and you will make the right choices.


LLAP :flowerforyou:

Liluth

I don't know if anyone will see this update but I just wanted to let you all know that I have left Mike. I left him roughly a year ago actually and I'm just now beginning to date again. I learned a lot from being in a relationship like that and I know now what kind of warning signs to look for in a potential boyfriend/husband. He never did hit me but I realize now that it WAS an abusive relationship. It was an emotionally, mentally, psychologically abusive relationship. I felt like I couldn't leave him without being responsible for the death he threatened me with almost everyday. Well, a year after our break up and he's still alive, still in school. I look back at all your responses and it brings tears to my eyes, how much you all cared for me, a complete stranger. If I could've cared for my own mental health half as much as all you kind people did, I wouldn't have been with him as long as I was.

I'm doing much better today. Happier, healthier, back to losing weight. I was so depressed and miserable with Mike that I ate and ate until I'd gone from 180 to 240. I'm now under 200 again. I have my first date tonight with a very nice man who has a cheerful, positive outlook on life. I'm very nervous, but also excited!

Thank you again for all of your support and kind words. They still mean the world to me.

NotShena

Good for you!

Spnneil06

Hi I am Melanie. I have been married to a depressed, bi polar man for 16 years. It is not a road I would suggest to anyone. My husband to had a really rough childhood, including watching his 5 year old sister being ran over by a drunk motorcyclist in front of his other sisters and babysitter. I didn't see the signs before, well I was 17 when I got married, I was a child and didn't see what was there. Is he on medication? Does he see a doctor? Are you prepared to shelter your children from daddy?? I know you say you love HAPPY boyfriend, but can you love "sad, depressed I want to die" boyfriend? I say don't rush into marriage too soon, and if you do wait for babies. See if YOU can handle him before you add innocent children that don't need that in their life. I speak from sad experience! Much love!