venting about my ed, move along unless you are open minded.

cmonskinnylovee

When I was thirteen, I was 5'6 and weighed 110 lbs. I was naturally this way- the kind of girl who could eat three big macs, a large fry and wake up the next day smaller and hungrier.

I was convinced that my body would stay like that forever, and that i was blessed.

but when I entered high school obvious changes began to happen. I am a girl after all, and it was bound to happen.

But what I did not expect was to be betrayed by own body, to wake up one morning to oozing, bubbling disgusting fat hanging from me like a parasite.

I used to stand in front of the mirror and cry until my head pounded, wishing to be the elegant, angelic thing I used to.

Then one day in my health class, my teacher mentioned anorexia. She said that it was when people ate far under their healthy recommended caloric intake, and starved themselves.

A lightbulb flashed.

She told us how dangerous it was.

Finally- a way out.

She told us how it ruined peoples lives.

I began to plan how to hide my food.

She told us that once you have this disorder, it never leaves you.

I didn't want it to.

That was the turning point. The one moment amongst all of the thousands in my life that I wish i could go back and tell myself "No! Don't do that to yourself! You don't understand!"

and now it haunts me. Ana is a like a vengeful ghost that not even the strongest sulfur can keep away.

At the time I didn't realize the repercussions. I didn't know four years from that moment I would still be suffering endlessly, drowning in a wave of caloriesinchespoudsoffatandwasteofspaceand...

I didn't know that in that moment of weakness, I opened a door to a thousand more substantially more painful ones.

I will never be rid of this.

diamondcory

Unfortunately you now need the help of a professional. There has to be someone you can contact at school, church, whatever.

Best of luck.

engineman312

Wow, that was incredible to read, and thank you so much for sharing. I know you are strong enough to get through this.

Have you thought about using the blogs here to write more about your thoughts with this disease?

cmonskinnylovee

Unfortunately you now need the help of a professional. There has to be someone you can contact at school, church, whatever.

Best of luck.

If you think that treatment ever works on someone with an eating disorder, I wish I was as naive (on this subject) as you.

I've been treated, many many times,

Rewinds

First you should edit your topic as [Triggering] next time. There are a lot of recovery individuals on this site.

Secondly there are people that are here to support you, whether it be support to slowly increase calorie intake, or motivate you not to go off your diary or motivate you just to stay healthy in general.

However! Professional help is there for you! They work with hundreds of women and men on their road to recovery and they can help you too.

LorinaLynn

Those are some powerful words, and while you might never be fully "cured," you're stronger than you think. Just being aware that it's a problem and wanting to fight it is the biggest hurdle, and I'm proud of you. :flowerforyou:

dancer4275

First you should edit your topic as [Triggering] next time. There are a lot of recovery individuals on this site.

Secondly there are people that are here to support you, whether it be support to slowly increase calorie intake, or motivate you not to go off your diary or motivate you just to stay healthy in general.

However! Professional help is there for you! They work with hundreds of women and men on there road to recovery and they can help you too.

I agree. I find posts like this especially triggering. I've dealt with this for a few years now. However, I've sought help...Trust me, recovery is absolutely possible...you just have to really (and I mean REALLY) want it. Stay strong friend! I'm here if you need me.

cmonskinnylovee

First you should edit your topic as [Triggering] next time. There are a lot of recovery individuals on this site.

Secondly there are people that are here to support you, whether it be support to slowly increase calorie intake, or motivate you not to go off your diary or motivate you just to stay healthy in general.

However! Professional help is there for you! They work with hundreds of women and men on their road to recovery and they can help you too.

I figured the word "Ed" in the title would be enough to let people know that obviously, it is about an eating disorder

but I'll remember that for next time...

MB_Positif

Thanks for sharing this. I think sometimes owning our own "stuff" publicly is one of the greatest steps we can take in recovery from anything. That said, I think that recovery is possible, but you need to dig deep into the issue that got you to where you were at your heaviest? Were you going to food for comfort, an escape, or something else entirely? People can talk to you until you are blue in the face about what you should and shouldn't be doing right now, but the help you need lies in your past! I hope that you can find peace in your life and get past this for your health!

thinkingthingirl

I think your brave to write what is on your mind. You should blog down your thoughts. u have a nice way of writing even if it is a little triggering. Anyway i have Mia so if u wud like to add me for some support ur more than welcome to. xxx

cmonskinnylovee

Thanks for sharing this. I think sometimes owning our own "stuff" publicly is one of the greatest steps we can take in recovery from anything. That said, I think that recovery is possible, but you need to dig deep into the issue that got you to where you were at your heaviest? Were you going to food for comfort, an escape, or something else entirely? People can talk to you until you are blue in the face about what you should and shouldn't be doing right now, but the help you need lies in your past! I hope that you can find peace in your life and get past this for your health!

Nothing got me at my heaviest, my metabolism simply slowed down whilst my eating habits did not.

I was actually my heaviest in one of my "recovery" times. I was 151 lbs at 5"7, which isn't heavy at all for most people. My frame is small, and fat sits strangely upon it.

I was only 120 lbs when I started these bad habits :P

Rewinds

First you should edit your topic as [Triggering] next time. There are a lot of recovery individuals on this site.

Secondly there are people that are here to support you, whether it be support to slowly increase calorie intake, or motivate you not to go off your diary or motivate you just to stay healthy in general.

However! Professional help is there for you! They work with hundreds of women and men on their road to recovery and they can help you too.

I figured the word "Ed" in the title would be enough to let people know that obviously, it is about an eating disorder

but I'll remember that for next time...

That is understandable, I think if you use the forum search bar there are a couple of threads though about overcoming ED or struggling with ED (on the road to recovery)

Have you ever thought about contacting a nutritionist or psychologist that specializes in ED's? (or a combination of both). Whilst teachers are generally trained in those areas most of them never go on to learn the specifics of eating disorders or any other disorders. Infact I'd take a hunch that there are some teachers that were more interested in getting a degree than learning the in depth specifics. I'm not talking about school counselling either because once again, school counseller's are generally nonspecializing and unless they have a PhD in Psychology majoring in ED's/Sports Psychology they probably won't be able to help much in planning a recovery diet or even be able to help overcome the struggle with weight and food.

There are numbers of support groups out there and pro-recovery sites and support sites such as The Butterfly Foundation and medical practitioners ready and willing to help you! (They want to help you) so if you haven't please reach out to them even if you just want to vent to them. They will understand you far better than some individuals here, some individuals in your real life and maybe even understand you better than people closer to you.

kahlee2000

This is really haunting. Having always been on the opposite end of the spectrum -- I found this really powerfully evoking. Have you ever considered writing about the subject? I think there are a lot of people you could help -- while you work on helping yourself. Hang in there. You can and will make it.

cmonskinnylovee

First you should edit your topic as [Triggering] next time. There are a lot of recovery individuals on this site.

Secondly there are people that are here to support you, whether it be support to slowly increase calorie intake, or motivate you not to go off your diary or motivate you just to stay healthy in general.

However! Professional help is there for you! They work with hundreds of women and men on their road to recovery and they can help you too.

I figured the word "Ed" in the title would be enough to let people know that obviously, it is about an eating disorder

but I'll remember that for next time...

That is understandable, I think if you use the forum search bar there are a couple of threads though about overcoming ED or struggling with ED (on the road to recovery)

Have you ever thought about contacting a nutritionist or psychologist that specializes in ED's? (or a combination of both). Whilst teachers are generally trained in those areas most of them never go on to learn the specifics of eating disorders or any other disorders. Infact I'd take a hunch that there are some teachers that were more interested in getting a degree than learning the in depth specifics. I'm not talking about school counselling either because once again, school counseller's are generally nonspecializing and unless they have a PhD in Psychology majoring in ED's/Sports Psychology they probably won't be able to help much in planning a recovery diet or even be able to help overcome the struggle with weight and food.

There are numbers out there and pro-recovery sites and support sites such as The Butterfly Foundation and medical practitioners ready and willing to help you! (They want to help you) so if you haven't please reach out to them even if you just want to vent to them. They will understand you far better than some individuals here, some individuals in your real life and maybe even understand you better than people closer to you.

Thank you, but I've been in recovery three times. I've been lucky enough to never get so thin that my health was in danger, but I know if I don't stop now that it will happen.

I'm actually a psychology major, believe it or not. I want to help girls like me. Obviously i need to recover first, but I'm trying my best.

cmonskinnylovee

This is really haunting. Having always been on the opposite end of the spectrum -- I found this really powerfully evoking. Have you ever considered writing about the subject? I think there are a lot of people you could help -- while you work on helping yourself. Hang in there. You can and will make it.

I am writing about this, actually! I am also a psychology major, and I want to get a job as an ED counselor.

Rewinds

[

I'm actually a psychology major, believe it or not. I want to help girls like me. Obviously i need to recover first, but I'm trying my best.

Me too! It's my plan too!

I'm not sure how the college/university system works in America but....How far are you into your degree? I just finished my first year and can't wait to specialize some more. Its a real pain at my university because the human movement (so physical education and nutrition) is at another campus so I can't specialize until my fourth year ;_;

cmonskinnylovee

[

I'm actually a psychology major, believe it or not. I want to help girls like me. Obviously i need to recover first, but I'm trying my best.

Me too! It's my plan too!

I'm not sure how the college/university system works in America but....How far are you into your degree? I just finished my first year and can't wait to specialize some more. Its a real pain at my university because the human movement (so physical education and nutrition) is at another campus so I can't specialize until my fourth year ;_;

I actually only finished my first semester... just in case where you live doesn't work on a semester basis, I finished half of my first year. I am only 18 I wish I was out already.

kahlee2000

When you finish it -- I would love to read it. You are very talented. I can be reached through my blog: www.thebookwormslibrary.com. Hang in there. You are on the right road.

Rewinds

[

I'm actually a psychology major, believe it or not. I want to help girls like me. Obviously i need to recover first, but I'm trying my best.

Me too! It's my plan too!

I'm not sure how the college/university system works in America but....How far are you into your degree? I just finished my first year and can't wait to specialize some more. Its a real pain at my university because the human movement (so physical education and nutrition) is at another campus so I can't specialize until my fourth year ;_;

I actually only finished my first semester... just in case where you live doesn't work on a semester basis, I finished half of my first year. I am only 18 I wish I was out already.

Yeh I'm on semester basis too. I took a gap year but I wish I didn't, so now I'm technically a year behind. I agree >.> Psychology is such a long degree and insanely competitive too I wish it was a tiny bit faster ;p

cmonskinnylovee

When you finish it -- I would love to read it. You are very talented. I can be reached through my blog: www.thebookwormslibrary.com. Hang in there. You are on the right road.

will do

nolachick

don't say its impossible, u just have to believe treatment will work and try everything out there, join support groups, hold urself accountable. i dont know anythingo n the topic of this particular ED but i think i was on the verge of another one and it took time but i got out of it. u have to believe in urself and take control dont let IT control u!