"When you loose all this weight you'll leave me"

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beckywilkeherbst
beckywilkeherbst Posts: 140 Member
in Motivation and Support
I feel so bad that my husband even thinks this way. Is there anyone else that experiences this? What do you do to reassure your partner that your doing this for you and not anyone else? That you don't want to go anywhere, that you love them? In my case....for the last 3 years I have worried my very attractive husband would leave me because I just kept getting bigger and bigger.
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Replies

  • Maryaly40
    Maryaly40 Posts: 551 Member
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    My husband used to say the SAME thing! He got over that, just give him some time. I tell my husband I'm doing this to get healthy so that we can grow old together and travel the world, play with our grandchildren and so on. Just keep re-assuring him :wink:
  • auticus
    auticus Posts: 1,051 Member
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    The dating world sucks. Especially if you are fat. Be glad you're married lol.
  • drvvork
    drvvork Posts: 1,162
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    That's his insecurity showing... you will have to work just as hard on reassurance to your husband as you are on your health. Good luck to you.
  • starwhisperer
    starwhisperer Posts: 367
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    well if you felt the same way about him when he was fit any you were not, then you have to understand why he is feeling it. What could he have done to reassure you when you were feeling insecure? My guess is not much, because those feelings are something that is irrational in most cases and can't be battled with logic. You have to just love him through it. I am betting that after awhile of having the hot arm candy wife, who is insistent that she loves only him, he will eventually stop feeling that way.
  • AdAstra47
    AdAstra47 Posts: 823 Member
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    You are responsible to yourself, first and foremost. You do what it takes to get yourself healthy. If your Significant Other has a problem with this, that's his/her insecurities and his/her problem, so s/he must figure out how to handle it. All you can do is reassure him/her that you are in this for the long haul; but there's nothing you can do to force him/her to believe it. The worst thing you could do is allow their issues to impede your own health... guilting you into giving up your health goals is an abusive behavior, IMHO.
  • vjrose
    vjrose Posts: 809 Member
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    Same problem here, married 38 years and every time I try to lose some weight he fusses that if I get skinny I'll leave him for a younger guy, lol. Told him at our age there aren't many good ones left and that has kind of cooled his jets. I just have to go over the guys we know and he has to agree the good ones are taken and what's out there I could not even stand to live with :flowerforyou:
    This time he is not going to sabotage me, I will get to my goal weight eventually and I think he'll like the new me even better.
  • purpletrillium
    purpletrillium Posts: 124
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    How about being extra flirty with him. My hubby admitted to being a bit jealous last night too.
  • linabickel
    linabickel Posts: 9 Member
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    Starwhisperer, great response and great advice!
  • drpurl
    drpurl Posts: 190 Member
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    Sorry you are going through this. It sounds a lot like me & my ex husband. However, our marriage was broken for a million other reasons than just this.
  • d2footballJRC
    d2footballJRC Posts: 2,684 Member
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    You are responsible to yourself, first and foremost. You do what it takes to get yourself healthy. If your Significant Other has a problem with this, that's his/her insecurities and his/her problem, so s/he must figure out how to handle it. All you can do is reassure him/her that you are in this for the long haul; but there's nothing you can do to force him/her to believe it. The worst thing you could do is allow their issues to impede your own health... guilting you into giving up your health goals is an abusive behavior, IMHO.

    Wow where did OP say that he is guilting her and being abusive. Talk about going way over the deep end. Sounds to me like the Husband is trying to communicate how he feels. That is a great thing, instead of him secretly thinking it and being upset about it. Believe or not, men are not evil creatures. Some of us are nice people even :-)
  • dls06
    dls06 Posts: 6,774 Member
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    Then he better shape up. Why does he feel so vulnerable?
  • mlawilm
    mlawilm Posts: 39 Member
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    My husband is the same way. All you can do is keep focused on your goal. As you progress he will start to appreciate the effort and the results. I have tried to keep it flirty like someone else suggested earlier. I buy sexy lingerie now when I never would have before and things like that. You have to keep showing him that you love him and that you are doing this for both of you. It's ok for him to feel a little worried...it'll make him try harder to please you !! LOL
  • d2footballJRC
    d2footballJRC Posts: 2,684 Member
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    Then he better shape up. Why does he feel so vulnerable?

    Because it's a natural feeling for some people. They feel that they are so blessed that they married this amazing person who is getting better and better and they don't feel they are worthy. Why does everyone feel there is something wrong with this guy? When you love someone and think they are pretty amazing looking and they are getting better and better looking. He may feel this is too good to be true even. It doesn't mean he is vulnerable. It's not like the guy is saying if she keeps getting better looking he is leaving her, or anything like that. He's just trying to express his concern, doesn't mean he is trying to stop her from her weight loss journey. Men can be more fragile then people think sometimes, especially when it comes to the ones we love.

    PS. The calloused a-h***ness of me wants to throw up for typing that. Even if it is true. ;-)
  • Melissaol
    Melissaol Posts: 952 Member
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    My husband said the same thing, no morning in the shower I was thinking about it and realized that it was making me mad. SO I got out of the shower and said " I have something to tell you".... Im not doing this to leave you!! ( I love you)... Im doing it for myself... I want to live a healthier life and live longer. At first he didn't say much after that. Then this summer we were at the lake cabin alot. It's not easy to lose weight at the lake with all the good food, and beer... SO I gained 3 lbs. But one night on our way to the lake he asked me if I was still losing. I said no. My husband said don't give up honey you can do this...
    I was able to fit in two 5 K's this summer. The first one my husband di not come to cheer me on. My last one he was there taking pictures and he forgot to take a picture of me coming across the finish line because he was so excited that I mad it.

    Then just a week ago he said he was looking at some old pictures and wow honey you have lost alot. Enough of me . What im really trying to say is just tell him why you are doing this. and let him think about it. He will come around....
  • d2footballJRC
    d2footballJRC Posts: 2,684 Member
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    My husband said the same thing, no morning in the shower I was thinking about it and realized that it was making me mad. SO I got out of the shower and said " I have something to tell you".... Im not doing this to leave you!! ( I love you)... Im doing it for myself... I want to live a healthier life and live longer. At first he didn't say much after that. Then this summer we were at the lake cabin alot. It's not easy to lose weight at the lake with all the good food, and beer... SO I gained 3 lbs. But one night on our way to the lake he asked me if I was still losing. I said no. My husband said don't give up honey you can do this...
    I was able to fit in two 5 K's this summer. The first one my husband di not come to cheer me on. My last one he was there taking pictures and he forgot to take a picture of me coming across the finish line because he was so excited that I mad it.

    Then just a week ago he said he was looking at some old pictures and wow honey you have lost alot. Enough of me . What im really trying to say is just tell him why you are doing this. and let him think about it. He will come around....

    Bingo, I would bet 10 to 1 if that man loves his wife that he doesn't want her to stop getting healthy. We just communicate differently it seems. I'm always pissing my wife when I say things that wasn't approached with the best angle. Sometimes I have to step back and try to explain what I meant. If you don't communicate there is no chance.
  • Secret_Agent_007
    Secret_Agent_007 Posts: 1,082
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    Yup! I've heard it before. And I DID leave her. But not for the reasons she thought I would. Years later and not before she drove me crazy and I gained it all back.

    Insecurity is an ugly thing to wear. Don't be that person.
  • Melissaol
    Melissaol Posts: 952 Member
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    I have been trying to get my husband to come with me to workout. aBut he says NO WAY.. But last week he asked me about coming with me to workout. So in time he might be my workout partner.
  • UponThisRock
    UponThisRock Posts: 4,522 Member
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    Your husband has low self-esteem
  • TheFitHooker
    TheFitHooker Posts: 3,358 Member
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    My husband has picked around about this. Or so I thought he was joking, till we were in the car one day and he said it and I asked him "are you joking or do you really think this way? He told me that he had a friend who's wife dropped a lot of weight and did leave him and he can't help but think I might do the same. I told him I was with him when I was thin, I was with him while fat, I'll be with him while thin again. I think every man thinks this way, wife is looking good, men are looking, she's getting attention from more then just him, she's gonna leave him. Might not be true, but that's how they process it or some men do.
  • beckywilkeherbst
    beckywilkeherbst Posts: 140 Member
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    You are responsible to yourself, first and foremost. You do what it takes to get yourself healthy. If your Significant Other has a problem with this, that's his/her insecurities and his/her problem, so s/he must figure out how to handle it. All you can do is reassure him/her that you are in this for the long haul; but there's nothing you can do to force him/her to believe it. The worst thing you could do is allow their issues to impede your own health... guilting you into giving up your health goals is an abusive behavior, IMHO.

    I don't feel it's HIS problem because he is my husband and our marriage is based on if he has a problem or i have a problem then WE have a problem. He does have some insecurities, he has been cheated on in his previous marriage after she dropped a lot and therefore I do see him bringing some of those up now that I am the one loosing the weight. I do however like the idea of "loving him through it" because aside from just reassuring I can show him by my actions and my itnerest in him that I am not going anywhere.
    He is not guilting me into anything, he is the one who bought me a treadmill. He knows this is important to me being healthy because I have a history of heart disease in my family on both sides and a recent health check through his employer for insurance purposes put me at a high risk of developing problems myself. He knows this is important and supports it to that extent.

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