"When you loose all this weight you'll leave me"

beckywilkeherbst

I feel so bad that my husband even thinks this way. Is there anyone else that experiences this? What do you do to reassure your partner that your doing this for you and not anyone else? That you don't want to go anywhere, that you love them? In my case....for the last 3 years I have worried my very attractive husband would leave me because I just kept getting bigger and bigger.

Maryaly40

My husband used to say the SAME thing! He got over that, just give him some time. I tell my husband I'm doing this to get healthy so that we can grow old together and travel the world, play with our grandchildren and so on. Just keep re-assuring him

auticus

The dating world sucks. Especially if you are fat. Be glad you're married lol.

drvvork

That's his insecurity showing... you will have to work just as hard on reassurance to your husband as you are on your health. Good luck to you.

starwhisperer

well if you felt the same way about him when he was fit any you were not, then you have to understand why he is feeling it. What could he have done to reassure you when you were feeling insecure? My guess is not much, because those feelings are something that is irrational in most cases and can't be battled with logic. You have to just love him through it. I am betting that after awhile of having the hot arm candy wife, who is insistent that she loves only him, he will eventually stop feeling that way.

AdAstra47

You are responsible to yourself, first and foremost. You do what it takes to get yourself healthy. If your Significant Other has a problem with this, that's his/her insecurities and his/her problem, so s/he must figure out how to handle it. All you can do is reassure him/her that you are in this for the long haul; but there's nothing you can do to force him/her to believe it. The worst thing you could do is allow their issues to impede your own health... guilting you into giving up your health goals is an abusive behavior, IMHO.

vjrose

Same problem here, married 38 years and every time I try to lose some weight he fusses that if I get skinny I'll leave him for a younger guy, lol. Told him at our age there aren't many good ones left and that has kind of cooled his jets. I just have to go over the guys we know and he has to agree the good ones are taken and what's out there I could not even stand to live with :flowerforyou:
This time he is not going to sabotage me, I will get to my goal weight eventually and I think he'll like the new me even better.

purpletrillium

How about being extra flirty with him. My hubby admitted to being a bit jealous last night too.

linabickel

Starwhisperer, great response and great advice!

drpurl

Sorry you are going through this. It sounds a lot like me & my ex husband. However, our marriage was broken for a million other reasons than just this.

d2footballJRC

You are responsible to yourself, first and foremost. You do what it takes to get yourself healthy. If your Significant Other has a problem with this, that's his/her insecurities and his/her problem, so s/he must figure out how to handle it. All you can do is reassure him/her that you are in this for the long haul; but there's nothing you can do to force him/her to believe it. The worst thing you could do is allow their issues to impede your own health... guilting you into giving up your health goals is an abusive behavior, IMHO.

Wow where did OP say that he is guilting her and being abusive. Talk about going way over the deep end. Sounds to me like the Husband is trying to communicate how he feels. That is a great thing, instead of him secretly thinking it and being upset about it. Believe or not, men are not evil creatures. Some of us are nice people even :-)

dls06

Then he better shape up. Why does he feel so vulnerable?

mlawilm

My husband is the same way. All you can do is keep focused on your goal. As you progress he will start to appreciate the effort and the results. I have tried to keep it flirty like someone else suggested earlier. I buy sexy lingerie now when I never would have before and things like that. You have to keep showing him that you love him and that you are doing this for both of you. It's ok for him to feel a little worried...it'll make him try harder to please you !! LOL

d2footballJRC

Then he better shape up. Why does he feel so vulnerable?

Because it's a natural feeling for some people. They feel that they are so blessed that they married this amazing person who is getting better and better and they don't feel they are worthy. Why does everyone feel there is something wrong with this guy? When you love someone and think they are pretty amazing looking and they are getting better and better looking. He may feel this is too good to be true even. It doesn't mean he is vulnerable. It's not like the guy is saying if she keeps getting better looking he is leaving her, or anything like that. He's just trying to express his concern, doesn't mean he is trying to stop her from her weight loss journey. Men can be more fragile then people think sometimes, especially when it comes to the ones we love.

PS. The calloused a-h***ness of me wants to throw up for typing that. Even if it is true. ;-)

Melissaol

My husband said the same thing, no morning in the shower I was thinking about it and realized that it was making me mad. SO I got out of the shower and said " I have something to tell you".... Im not doing this to leave you!! ( I love you)... Im doing it for myself... I want to live a healthier life and live longer. At first he didn't say much after that. Then this summer we were at the lake cabin alot. It's not easy to lose weight at the lake with all the good food, and beer... SO I gained 3 lbs. But one night on our way to the lake he asked me if I was still losing. I said no. My husband said don't give up honey you can do this...
I was able to fit in two 5 K's this summer. The first one my husband di not come to cheer me on. My last one he was there taking pictures and he forgot to take a picture of me coming across the finish line because he was so excited that I mad it.

Then just a week ago he said he was looking at some old pictures and wow honey you have lost alot. Enough of me . What im really trying to say is just tell him why you are doing this. and let him think about it. He will come around....

d2footballJRC

My husband said the same thing, no morning in the shower I was thinking about it and realized that it was making me mad. SO I got out of the shower and said " I have something to tell you".... Im not doing this to leave you!! ( I love you)... Im doing it for myself... I want to live a healthier life and live longer. At first he didn't say much after that. Then this summer we were at the lake cabin alot. It's not easy to lose weight at the lake with all the good food, and beer... SO I gained 3 lbs. But one night on our way to the lake he asked me if I was still losing. I said no. My husband said don't give up honey you can do this...
I was able to fit in two 5 K's this summer. The first one my husband di not come to cheer me on. My last one he was there taking pictures and he forgot to take a picture of me coming across the finish line because he was so excited that I mad it.

Then just a week ago he said he was looking at some old pictures and wow honey you have lost alot. Enough of me . What im really trying to say is just tell him why you are doing this. and let him think about it. He will come around....

Bingo, I would bet 10 to 1 if that man loves his wife that he doesn't want her to stop getting healthy. We just communicate differently it seems. I'm always pissing my wife when I say things that wasn't approached with the best angle. Sometimes I have to step back and try to explain what I meant. If you don't communicate there is no chance.

Secret_Agent_007

Yup! I've heard it before. And I DID leave her. But not for the reasons she thought I would. Years later and not before she drove me crazy and I gained it all back.

Insecurity is an ugly thing to wear. Don't be that person.

Melissaol

I have been trying to get my husband to come with me to workout. aBut he says NO WAY.. But last week he asked me about coming with me to workout. So in time he might be my workout partner.

UponThisRock

Your husband has low self-esteem

TheFitHooker

My husband has picked around about this. Or so I thought he was joking, till we were in the car one day and he said it and I asked him "are you joking or do you really think this way? He told me that he had a friend who's wife dropped a lot of weight and did leave him and he can't help but think I might do the same. I told him I was with him when I was thin, I was with him while fat, I'll be with him while thin again. I think every man thinks this way, wife is looking good, men are looking, she's getting attention from more then just him, she's gonna leave him. Might not be true, but that's how they process it or some men do.

beckywilkeherbst

You are responsible to yourself, first and foremost. You do what it takes to get yourself healthy. If your Significant Other has a problem with this, that's his/her insecurities and his/her problem, so s/he must figure out how to handle it. All you can do is reassure him/her that you are in this for the long haul; but there's nothing you can do to force him/her to believe it. The worst thing you could do is allow their issues to impede your own health... guilting you into giving up your health goals is an abusive behavior, IMHO.

I don't feel it's HIS problem because he is my husband and our marriage is based on if he has a problem or i have a problem then WE have a problem. He does have some insecurities, he has been cheated on in his previous marriage after she dropped a lot and therefore I do see him bringing some of those up now that I am the one loosing the weight. I do however like the idea of "loving him through it" because aside from just reassuring I can show him by my actions and my itnerest in him that I am not going anywhere.
He is not guilting me into anything, he is the one who bought me a treadmill. He knows this is important to me being healthy because I have a history of heart disease in my family on both sides and a recent health check through his employer for insurance purposes put me at a high risk of developing problems myself. He knows this is important and supports it to that extent.

beckywilkeherbst

Then he better shape up. Why does he feel so vulnerable?

Because it's a natural feeling for some people. They feel that they are so blessed that they married this amazing person who is getting better and better and they don't feel they are worthy. Why does everyone feel there is something wrong with this guy? When you love someone and think they are pretty amazing looking and they are getting better and better looking. He may feel this is too good to be true even. It doesn't mean he is vulnerable. It's not like the guy is saying if she keeps getting better looking he is leaving her, or anything like that. He's just trying to express his concern, doesn't mean he is trying to stop her from her weight loss journey. Men can be more fragile then people think sometimes, especially when it comes to the ones we love.

PS. The calloused a-h***ness of me wants to throw up for typing that. Even if it is true. ;-)

Thank you. Though he definatly posseses insecurities I certainly don't think he is trying to sabotage me. In fact he said last night that my tummy was going down and then said don't quit. I do think his fear is real though. I know I won't go anywhere but he really feels that I might.

beckywilkeherbst

Your husband has low self-esteem

Yeah...don't we all to some degree? My issue is how I can help to reassure him that I am not going anywhere.

AudgePaudge

My hubby did that to me too...It's sad to hear. Just keep reassuring him and treat him like a king :bigsmile:

teagin2002

Mine was worried about for a few months but I worked a little extra to eliminate that, so far it seems he is no longer afraid of me leaving him, but I have noticed him being a bit more possessive and jealous now that I am smaller than the day he met me.
He tells me what I can't wear now at least when I am walking with him, and if I say no he will go through my clothes and pick something else out for me to wear.
I do not dress in anything inappropriate or revealing. Keep in mind he has always helped me pick out clothes, but never made such a big deal of me wearing something he didn't like. We are still working on things.

How I make him feel more comfortable is turning it around, If you leave me what am I going to do. You are my sweetheart how can I live without you, and it really is how I feel. I let him know I feel the same way he feels, I love him with all my heart and I wouldn't be able to go on with out him. Then I reassure him that I am his and he is "MINE", the emphasis is to make him feel a bit better to know he is in demand.

On another note:
How he reacted to being a afraid I was going to leave him is by just turned himself off to me and acting like a selfish demanding baby for a few months as I was loosing the weight.
We promised our selves to each other for the rest of this life and then next 3. I got so angry I had to do something to wake him up so he will think of how he is acting, so after ignoring him for a couple of days didn't work, I sat with him and stated off by saying I want you to hear what I have to say and I really don't want to know what your response is at this point. After the way you have been acting towards me lately I know we are married and I love you, I will be with you for the rest of my life, but I don't feel you appreciate me the way I deserve to be appreciated and if you think you can find someone else who will be as good to you as I am then I give you permission to go find her. Also as for the next three lives I don't want you any more, I release you. I know I can find another person who will appreciate me, as i am a very good wife.

After that he started to think about how he was treating me and demanding me, he apologized and things are better as stated above. I haven't addressed the next three lives thing, but he keeps bringing them up.

anyway marriage is hard, good luck!

Italianyc84

I wish my partner would get a little jealous LOL

ellisalockwood

My husband used to do this too, I told him that I was skinny when he met me, and I chose him then. He just thinks I'm prettier than he is, which is ok, because I think he's pretty darn hot too. My husband got over it though, I'm sure yours will too.

LJGmom

I just finished a bible study on insecurity, and there was a section that we focused on men, and how we as women can reassure them. Tell him what you want to hear. Tell him he's hot, your proud of him. Buy him cards for no reason, things like that. Men need to know just as much as women, that they are desirable. He'll come around! Great job on your weight loss!

d2footballJRC

I just finished a bible study on insecurity, and there was a section that we focused on men, and how we as women can reassure them. Tell him what you want to hear. Tell him he's hot, your proud of him. Buy him cards for no reason, things like that. Men need to know just as much as women, that they are desirable. He'll come around! Great job on your weight loss!

+99, My wife attended a class like that awhile back. As a man I have to say he leaving me a couple cards and just a pec on the cheek and telling me she loved me through the day randomly made me feel like a stud and awesome. I'm not a softie either, but something about my wife doing those things for me melted me inside. It's weird how I can put up a pretty rough exterior but that woman can break it down into crumbs like none other.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

When my DH said something similar to me, I laughed . . . really hard, said "passive agressive much?", then said "seriously, do you think anyone else would put up with my *kitten*?", turned around, smacked my *kitten*, asked him if he was going to just stand there or follow me up the stairs as I walked away.

AdAstra47

You are responsible to yourself, first and foremost. You do what it takes to get yourself healthy. If your Significant Other has a problem with this, that's his/her insecurities and his/her problem, so s/he must figure out how to handle it. All you can do is reassure him/her that you are in this for the long haul; but there's nothing you can do to force him/her to believe it. The worst thing you could do is allow their issues to impede your own health... guilting you into giving up your health goals is an abusive behavior, IMHO.

I don't feel it's HIS problem because he is my husband and our marriage is based on if he has a problem or i have a problem then WE have a problem. He does have some insecurities, he has been cheated on in his previous marriage after she dropped a lot and therefore I do see him bringing some of those up now that I am the one loosing the weight. I do however like the idea of "loving him through it" because aside from just reassuring I can show him by my actions and my itnerest in him that I am not going anywhere.
He is not guilting me into anything, he is the one who bought me a treadmill. He knows this is important to me being healthy because I have a history of heart disease in my family on both sides and a recent health check through his employer for insurance purposes put me at a high risk of developing problems myself. He knows this is important and supports it to that extent.

Glad to hear that. I volunteer at women's shelters & have seen a lot of women whose significant others use emotional blackmail to control them, so perhaps my initial reaction was colored by that experience. These women may not be physically abused, but their husbands/boyfriends/girlfriends do things like deliberately sabotage their weight loss or education or other self-improvements, because it's a way of controlling them or keeping them from leaving. So my first reaction, on hearing something like this, is to make sure you realize your own worth & value. Certainly did not mean to offend. Good luck with everything!