"When you loose all this weight you'll leave me"

beckywilkeherbst

Then he better shape up. Why does he feel so vulnerable?

Because it's a natural feeling for some people. They feel that they are so blessed that they married this amazing person who is getting better and better and they don't feel they are worthy. Why does everyone feel there is something wrong with this guy? When you love someone and think they are pretty amazing looking and they are getting better and better looking. He may feel this is too good to be true even. It doesn't mean he is vulnerable. It's not like the guy is saying if she keeps getting better looking he is leaving her, or anything like that. He's just trying to express his concern, doesn't mean he is trying to stop her from her weight loss journey. Men can be more fragile then people think sometimes, especially when it comes to the ones we love.

PS. The calloused a-h***ness of me wants to throw up for typing that. Even if it is true. ;-)

Thank you. Though he definatly posseses insecurities I certainly don't think he is trying to sabotage me. In fact he said last night that my tummy was going down and then said don't quit. I do think his fear is real though. I know I won't go anywhere but he really feels that I might.

beckywilkeherbst

Your husband has low self-esteem

Yeah...don't we all to some degree? My issue is how I can help to reassure him that I am not going anywhere.

AudgePaudge

My hubby did that to me too...It's sad to hear. Just keep reassuring him and treat him like a king :bigsmile:

teagin2002

Mine was worried about for a few months but I worked a little extra to eliminate that, so far it seems he is no longer afraid of me leaving him, but I have noticed him being a bit more possessive and jealous now that I am smaller than the day he met me.
He tells me what I can't wear now at least when I am walking with him, and if I say no he will go through my clothes and pick something else out for me to wear.
I do not dress in anything inappropriate or revealing. Keep in mind he has always helped me pick out clothes, but never made such a big deal of me wearing something he didn't like. We are still working on things.

How I make him feel more comfortable is turning it around, If you leave me what am I going to do. You are my sweetheart how can I live without you, and it really is how I feel. I let him know I feel the same way he feels, I love him with all my heart and I wouldn't be able to go on with out him. Then I reassure him that I am his and he is "MINE", the emphasis is to make him feel a bit better to know he is in demand.

On another note:
How he reacted to being a afraid I was going to leave him is by just turned himself off to me and acting like a selfish demanding baby for a few months as I was loosing the weight.
We promised our selves to each other for the rest of this life and then next 3. I got so angry I had to do something to wake him up so he will think of how he is acting, so after ignoring him for a couple of days didn't work, I sat with him and stated off by saying I want you to hear what I have to say and I really don't want to know what your response is at this point. After the way you have been acting towards me lately I know we are married and I love you, I will be with you for the rest of my life, but I don't feel you appreciate me the way I deserve to be appreciated and if you think you can find someone else who will be as good to you as I am then I give you permission to go find her. Also as for the next three lives I don't want you any more, I release you. I know I can find another person who will appreciate me, as i am a very good wife.

After that he started to think about how he was treating me and demanding me, he apologized and things are better as stated above. I haven't addressed the next three lives thing, but he keeps bringing them up.

anyway marriage is hard, good luck!

Italianyc84

I wish my partner would get a little jealous LOL

ellisalockwood

My husband used to do this too, I told him that I was skinny when he met me, and I chose him then. He just thinks I'm prettier than he is, which is ok, because I think he's pretty darn hot too. My husband got over it though, I'm sure yours will too.

LJGmom

I just finished a bible study on insecurity, and there was a section that we focused on men, and how we as women can reassure them. Tell him what you want to hear. Tell him he's hot, your proud of him. Buy him cards for no reason, things like that. Men need to know just as much as women, that they are desirable. He'll come around! Great job on your weight loss!

d2footballJRC

I just finished a bible study on insecurity, and there was a section that we focused on men, and how we as women can reassure them. Tell him what you want to hear. Tell him he's hot, your proud of him. Buy him cards for no reason, things like that. Men need to know just as much as women, that they are desirable. He'll come around! Great job on your weight loss!

+99, My wife attended a class like that awhile back. As a man I have to say he leaving me a couple cards and just a pec on the cheek and telling me she loved me through the day randomly made me feel like a stud and awesome. I'm not a softie either, but something about my wife doing those things for me melted me inside. It's weird how I can put up a pretty rough exterior but that woman can break it down into crumbs like none other.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

When my DH said something similar to me, I laughed . . . really hard, said "passive agressive much?", then said "seriously, do you think anyone else would put up with my *kitten*?", turned around, smacked my *kitten*, asked him if he was going to just stand there or follow me up the stairs as I walked away.

AdAstra47

You are responsible to yourself, first and foremost. You do what it takes to get yourself healthy. If your Significant Other has a problem with this, that's his/her insecurities and his/her problem, so s/he must figure out how to handle it. All you can do is reassure him/her that you are in this for the long haul; but there's nothing you can do to force him/her to believe it. The worst thing you could do is allow their issues to impede your own health... guilting you into giving up your health goals is an abusive behavior, IMHO.

I don't feel it's HIS problem because he is my husband and our marriage is based on if he has a problem or i have a problem then WE have a problem. He does have some insecurities, he has been cheated on in his previous marriage after she dropped a lot and therefore I do see him bringing some of those up now that I am the one loosing the weight. I do however like the idea of "loving him through it" because aside from just reassuring I can show him by my actions and my itnerest in him that I am not going anywhere.
He is not guilting me into anything, he is the one who bought me a treadmill. He knows this is important to me being healthy because I have a history of heart disease in my family on both sides and a recent health check through his employer for insurance purposes put me at a high risk of developing problems myself. He knows this is important and supports it to that extent.

Glad to hear that. I volunteer at women's shelters & have seen a lot of women whose significant others use emotional blackmail to control them, so perhaps my initial reaction was colored by that experience. These women may not be physically abused, but their husbands/boyfriends/girlfriends do things like deliberately sabotage their weight loss or education or other self-improvements, because it's a way of controlling them or keeping them from leaving. So my first reaction, on hearing something like this, is to make sure you realize your own worth & value. Certainly did not mean to offend. Good luck with everything!

d2footballJRC

You are responsible to yourself, first and foremost. You do what it takes to get yourself healthy. If your Significant Other has a problem with this, that's his/her insecurities and his/her problem, so s/he must figure out how to handle it. All you can do is reassure him/her that you are in this for the long haul; but there's nothing you can do to force him/her to believe it. The worst thing you could do is allow their issues to impede your own health... guilting you into giving up your health goals is an abusive behavior, IMHO.

I don't feel it's HIS problem because he is my husband and our marriage is based on if he has a problem or i have a problem then WE have a problem. He does have some insecurities, he has been cheated on in his previous marriage after she dropped a lot and therefore I do see him bringing some of those up now that I am the one loosing the weight. I do however like the idea of "loving him through it" because aside from just reassuring I can show him by my actions and my itnerest in him that I am not going anywhere.
He is not guilting me into anything, he is the one who bought me a treadmill. He knows this is important to me being healthy because I have a history of heart disease in my family on both sides and a recent health check through his employer for insurance purposes put me at a high risk of developing problems myself. He knows this is important and supports it to that extent.

Glad to hear that. I volunteer at women's shelters & have seen a lot of women whose significant others use emotional blackmail to control them, so perhaps my initial reaction was colored by that experience. These women may not be physically abused, but their husbands/boyfriends/girlfriends do things like deliberately sabotage their weight loss or education or other self-improvements, because it's a way of controlling them or keeping them from leaving. So my first reaction, on hearing something like this, is to make sure you realize your own worth & value. Certainly did not mean to offend. Good luck with everything!

Big props for that! I love when people can come back and post like this, this is what messageboards should be like!

KariQuiteContrary

I find this topic very enlightening. I don't have quite the same problem but a similar one in terms of insecurity based on past experience. My significant other of more than 4 years has even come out and said it a few times that, because of our age difference, he doesn't know why I stay when there are obviously "better, younger, sexier, more successful" guys out there that have to be knocking down my door. He use to say this even when I was bigger but I do feel more of those insecurities creeping out more now that I've dropped so much weight. I do everything I can to reassure him, tell him how incredible he is out of the blue, leave messages/txts for him so he finds them later in the day, a lot of the things that have already been mentioned on here. Sometimes it makes all the difference and sometimes you just have to be patient with them, because no amount of reassurance can seem to help them shake that insecurity because it's so deeply rooted in former pain. It has gotten better for me, I think it will get better for you, all it takes is a little extra tlc and a lot of patience.

askme12

I don't think there's anything you can say that would change how he feels. He just needs time to come to terms with his insecurities and hopefully it will pass.

JimCasford

Have you tried getting him to work out and diet with you? No pressure, but he could be part of the journey that way. Ask him!

Victoriav99

haha..I'm not the only one. My husband told me not to get too skinny. He asked me if there was somebody else. I said no I just feel better about myself. I definitely pay more attention to him since i'm losing this weight - It reassures him.