Worried about daughter in law

Fit4_Life

I have seen pictures of my daughter in law, who I have never met till last week. She is 24 yrs old, and have gain a large amount of weight, recently. Her parents who are in their early 50's are Type 2 diabetics. I'm just worried for her sake, and would hate to see her become a diabetic at her early age. Should I keep my nose out, or should I tell her that I, and others are concerned? I have given her hints that I have joined MFP a year ago, and how great the website/app has been for me, and how it works.
I could tell she is depressed a lot. I would just like to get her back on her feet.

Any suggestions? Or should I not say anything? If so...how should I bring it up?

Thanks in advance.

turningstar

I wouldn't say anything, but maybe invite her to go on some hikes or something with you and try to boost her confidence.
maybe she will enjoy it and you can get her to work out with you or something.

bcattoes

I think it depends on your relationship. If you are not close with her, then I would say nothing. Perhaps you could speak to your son but I doubt she would take advice about her wieght kindly from you if the two of you are not very close. It's a touchy subject, especially from a MIL.

queenpushycat

You're an awesome mother in law And your intentions are best! But if she's depressed, don't bring up anything about her weight or anything. It'll make her more depress than ever. Just encourage her to engage fun activities with you and support her If she's really have the mindset in being healthy, ask her to join this site

wonca

I would steer clear of dropping hints or speaking with her. I would just set the example and if the subject comes up in conversation, freely talk about your weight loss and your experience.

thor1god1of1awesome

Its a sticky subject to be sure, but when i started gaining alot of weight my cousin pulled me aside and told me how worried he is. I got mad but he was right. I ask for the parents permsion first and if they give the ok and then go for it, be kind and understanding.

Luandanielle1979

I think you will have to become closer to her so you can discuss things as personal as weight. Thats a great idea to do stuff together then you can build a closeness and then maybe say something constructive xxx

usmcmp

Chances are that she already knows and you pointing it out won't help. I was in her shoes once and when my now ex-MIL mentioned my weight it only made me hate her. If you live close to her then invite her for walks or active outings. If she doesn't live close then try to sign the whole family up for something like the 3 day walk. Chances are if you help feed her healthy things and help her get active she will start enjoying it and the weight will come off naturally.

momof3and3

I am a mother-in-law....you just met her last week? DO NOT say anything to her...

I understand you are concern, but it really isn't your place to say anything. if you just met her, than your really don't have a relationship with her....saying something will only be detrimental to any relationship with her in the fututre.

I am sure she is aware of the weight gain and of her risks. I would just work on being her friend and giving her love and support.

tikikris

A wise person once said that if you have to ask the question, you already know the answer.

Debbe2

My opinion-
Stay out unless asked. Best to give advice or support when its able to be received. Possibly would offend her which I know is not your intention. She'll come around on her own. If you live nearby you can ask to go on a hike together and get to know each other more.

Contrarian

You have wonderful intentions, but please don't say anything. She is likely to take it as criticism and be hurt by your words.

LivLovLrn

I agree that if you are not close to her, don't say anything. In law situations are hard enough without her feeling like you are putting her down (which is how she will take it, no matter how you intend it). Love her the best you can, and if SHE allows the situation to come up, take full reigns!

KarenG1213

I concur with what everyone else is saying....don't bring up the weight / health subjects unless she does first. If she's depressed, she doesn't need to think you are judging her. Be the example while making a point of trying to get to know her. No matter what you say about being worried about her, she will take it the wrong way. Love her for herself and offer help or advice ONLY if she brings it up.

Fit4_Life

I think it depends on your relationship. If you are not close with her, then I would say nothing. Perhaps you could speak to your son but I doubt she would take advice about her wieght kindly from you if the two of you are not very close. It's a touchy subject, especially from a MIL.

Son has mentioned it to her about her weight. I don't know her very well, I just feel really bad for her, she is so young and I know what she is going through. Emotional eating is such a sickness. Been there-done that.

Thank you all for your input. :flowerforyou:

spottedlee

Please leave her be. When I got married, my MIL was always butting in,, A few years later, I told her (bleep) because she pushed too many buttons. I am sure she will figure out what do to in her own time.

I know you meant well but from my personal expeirence,, please....

bmmadden

I would start building your relationship with her first because if you just met her for the first time face to face you might come across that you dont accept her the way she is. Does her and your son live nearby? Maybe you can do things with her like some of the other people said such as hiking to show your interested in her as a person. Im sure she is unhappy about it too. Maybe somehow it will come up in casual conversation about getting healthy, maybe tell her your wanting to join a local gym and say you dont want to go alone and see if she would want to come with you, and then one she gets started or interested let her know again about MFP tell her about your success on it. I think that you build the relationship with her first and really became friends with her and just talked about all kinds of things not just that it would make her feel she has someone to talk to and make her feel more welcome in the family.

millionsofpeaches

Considering that you just met her last week... I would think that saying anything to her is completely out of line. In fact, saying anything to her period completely crosses daughter in law - mother in law lines... She knows what her weight is and her own families history. If she wants to make a change she will and it is not your responsibility to remind her of this.

madubil

You have wonderful intentions, but please don't say anything. She is likely to take it as criticism and be hurt by your words.

ditto- you know your intentions are true- but for someone she just met- there is very little reason to think she will understand how sincere your intentions are, and wil likely be painful for her. I'd be willing to bet she knows she is overweight- and is choosing to not address it. But you can talk about your weight loss journey- and this great site- and these great people you meet online- and how excited you are for it- but try not to make it about her- just showing your enthusiasm about this might spark her interest- or it might not. and if it does not- leave it alone. Love her for who she is- and be there for her when she decides to address it.

ellekay22

Do NOT say anything.

I have the opposite problem with my mother in law. She eats 4000 cal a day, sits on her butt, and has already had colon cancer (probably why she is 300 lbs and not 600 lbs.).

I make and offer healthy food along side the "treats" I put out for company (I thought 4 bags of chips would be plenty for 15 guests....but she ate 2 of them....). I try not to be snide. I compliment her as appropriate (Your hair looks great today!, that is a great colour on you!) but I do not comment on anything she decides to do.

I know it is hard because you want your family to be healthy. You want your son to have a healthy wife. You want to share your experience on being healthy.

Really, you can't win. Love her as she is, build that relationship. Then when she feels she has your complete support, no matter what size she is, she can come to you when SHE is ready and wants your insight.

Encouragement,
Laura

CynthiaCollin

Maybe see if she wants to join a weight loss challenge with you.... create one or find one on MFP... . Tell her you need to partner up with someone, that you are having a difficult time and need her help. You can say it is more motivating to lose weight when you have someone to do it with ....and then tell her about MFP... Show her the success stories on this website and all the good things that have come from this for you and how much energy you have had from doing this and how good you have been feeling.... maybe with all these positive things she might just think it is something good for her as well. But she has to come to this realization on her own and realize her weight might be an issue. Being told you are overweight by someone (even though you already know that....cause you look in the mirroir everyday) is not positve reinforcement and could just send her in a downwards spiral. Good luck! It is nice that you care ! My mother in law is like a mom to me....and her encouragment was great

Elizabeth_C34

It is really important to remember that people don't embark on life-changing endeavors because someone else told them to. When/if she is ready to make the changes necessary, she will.

Just be there to support her when she does decide to do something.

My1985Freckles

I am a mother-in-law....you just met her last week? DO NOT say anything to her...

I understand you are concern, but it really isn't your place to say anything. if you just met her, than your really don't have a relationship with her....saying something will only be detrimental to any relationship with her in the fututre.

I am sure she is aware of the weight gain and of her risks. I would just work on being her friend and giving her love and support.

Chances are your DIL just started a new birth control. When I started mine, I gained 40 pounds in 4-5 months! It was horrible! I was moody and depressed and felt FAT!.... MILs and DILs don't typically get along (sterotype I know, but in MOST cases it is true). So, unless you want to cause a family rift which results in you only seeing your son on holidays, I wouldn't say a word. If my MIL elluded for one second that she thinks that I am fat (even with the "I'm worried because you'll get sick.") she would never see my husband again. Just sayin' you might think you are being "nice" but she won't take it that way.

ElizabethRoad

If you think she is depressed then you could try to be there for her with that problem. But you know you are in no place to mention her weight to her, no matter how good your intentions.

ElizabethRoad

Its a sticky subject to be sure, but when i started gaining alot of weight my cousin pulled me aside and told me how worried he is. I got mad but he was right. I ask for the parents permsion first and if they give the ok and then go for it, be kind and understanding.

Why on Earth would she ask the parents' permission?

ljholmann

Nice Sleeve, I am working on a half sleeve, but unfortunately at my work I have to keep mine covered.

padraigin67

As a MIL whose DIL said to me "I don't want to end up as big as my mother and sister." I took that to mean she wanted me to encourage her and told her about mfp. I was asking her if she wanted me to pick her up and take her with me on my walks. She told my son that I hurt her feelings and was implying she was fat. That was not what I was doing and told my son about our conversation. He said she was just saying that and that she felt I was being bossy and too free with advice. That while she appreciated my advice, she wished I would wait until she asked for it. Yeah, I wouldn't say anything until she comes to you and asks for help.

Fit4_Life

Great advice from all of you. Thank you so much! It sure helps getting advice from friends like you. I truly appreciate your comments, and plan to keep out of it. :-) I figure time will come to make that decision on her own.

mistresseeyore

I am close to my Mother in Law and she has never said anything, even when I gained 104 pounds in the time I married her son. I love my parents, and my Father is an exercising/eating dictator. My parents would say something to me, and it would frustrate me and make me feel bad. It takes time, and when I was ready, I started, but if you say anything before she is ready, you are going to have a very strained relationship with her. Decide whether you want a strong relationship with her, or you want her to lose, feel bad, and not like you.

MeganLMeier

Under no circumstances should you say anything about your daughter-in-law's weight.

It is not a mother-in-law's place to tell her daughter-in-law that she is fat. For that matter, it really isn't anyone's place to bring up someone else's weight. It's about the rudest thing I can imagine, maybe tied with "How much money do you make?" and "When are you going to have a baby?" These things are none of your business, and you do not have a right to bring them up, even if they concern you.

For the sake of your relationship with your son and your daughter-in-law, keep your concern to yourself.

TripleJ3

Its a sticky subject to be sure, but when i started gaining alot of weight my cousin pulled me aside and told me how worried he is. I got mad but he was right. I ask for the parents permsion first and if they give the ok and then go for it, be kind and understanding.

Why would she ask the parents first? She's 24 and married so I am sure she isn't still living with her parents.....

I say unless you can bring MFP up in the conversation casually, like there is an actual opening to suggest it, then I wouldn't say anything. Its one thing if you two knew each other better. But since you barely have a relationship, starting out mentioning "helpful weight loss tips" may not be taken so well. She may chalk it up to a nosy new Mother-in-law and not take the time to actually really think about what and why you are saying these things.

Do you talk to her often? Live close by? You could start out slow, asking her to lunch/shopping. Maybe while looking at an outfit mention how this is my goal outfit and go from there. If you choose lunch say how you like to eat at a certain place because then you can track your calories on MFP. Put a bug in her ear. Maybe she will ask more about it, maybe she won't. But at least if you get the chance to sort of mention it without aiming it towards her, she can think about it or go home and be able to check it out herself without feeling embarrassed that you are "watching" or judging her.

I would definitely try to get to know her better since it sounds like from what you wrote, that you two don't have much of a relationship yet.

Good Luck!