What do you want/expect out of your MPF friends? (warning: r

jonzo21

Warning: I'm tired, and this is going to be a semi rant.

I'm the kind of person who likes to offer suggestions and feedback for improvement. I always put things nicely, and try to explain things the easiest way possible. I have no real life contact with my MPF friends (except 1, who never logs in) So frankly I don't need to take time out of my day to help you out. But I will offer my congratulations and equally offer any suggestions and do some research to guide you in the right direction when I see something going terribly wrong.

One friend for instance exercises for at LEAST 1000 calories per day burned. And she only eats roughly 1200. Typically, she will net between 100-300 calories. I know this isn't healthy. I have linked her to forum posts about this, explained to her how she could be slowing her metabolism etc. I gave up for a little while. But then recently, I saw her status update on my home page, so I looked at her diary to see if she had made any improvements. Nope, same old story, this time she netted 120 calories. So I commented, and explained how technically she only gave her body 120 calories to function for the day. And BAM! I was defriended.

Okay, whatever. It's not my body that's going to be suffering so I don't care. It just makes me wonder, what is it people want out of the friend feature on here? Just someone to always say "WTG" or "great job!" on every diary update? I'd rather people be honest with me and tell me what I could do better. I know not everyone has the time to analyze everyone's diary, so I don't really expect it, that's fine. But when someone does take that time, I appreciate it. I guess not everyone can accept and appreciate that, and just expect people to tell them they are doing a great job all the time. That's not going to help anyone reach their goal if they aren't working at it properly.

I don't go to the gym for the sole purpose of logging it in my exercise diary so that I can hear people tell me "great workout!" That doesn't motivate me. That doesn't help me improve. Sure, its nice to hear compliments when you reach goals. But really its not like those people really care. Come on, everyone is guilty of basically "spamming" people's workouts/diaries with something like "great workout". Yay you burned 14 calories washing the windows--"awesome job!" ---did you really even read that? Wait... why are you even logging that in the first place?

Ok yep tired, rant over. heh heh

LemonPoppySeedMuffin

To at least read my damn info that I'm trying to recover from anorexia & I delete anyone who encourages EDs.

jonzo21

sorry guys I didn't realize I posted this twice. The first time it didn't look like it went through in the general forum, so I thought maybe I picked the wrong forum and posted here instead. Now it looks like both posted... didn't meant to spam

YMTaylor

All I can share is my perspective. I am not friends with anyone on MFP that I don't know in real life. I agree that a true friend will say congrats at times but will also say 'what are you doing?' or 'are you sure that's healthy?' and that can be hard to hear no matter what. When you don't have the real life connection I think that difficulty is amplified. I sometimes feel bad refusing friend requests b/c I'm sure they are nice people but I decided at the beginning to make that my policy. Specifically to your rant, I can appreciate you were trying to help but she has to decide to change for herself and sometimes all the information in the world means nothing if the person isn't ready.

Sunny_Lexie

What I partly expect from my MFP friends is exactly what you are doing. You actually take time to see what has been done/eaten, and you care.You do not just give empty encouragement comments.
She's the one losing a firend :flowerforyou:

JulieBoBoo

If I want my diary analyzed I'll print it and bring it to my doctor or a certified nutritionist. If I want to push my exercise to the next level I'll hire a personal trainer. Quite frankly, I'm not interested in having people second guess and criticize what I'm doing. My friends keep me accountable mentally because when I want to cheat I think about having to log it where people can see it and about how good it is to have people acknowledge a loss when I have one or remark on a good progress pic when I post them.

I make it clear on my profile that I'm not looking for a critique. People know that when they friend me. I think different people are looking for different things. There's nothing wrong with sending someone a message before you unfriend them to wish them well but explain that you want different things from the friend feature than they do.

rml_16

I think you should have taken the hint when she didn't change her behavior after you hounded her constantly about it.

For all you know, she has tried eating back her exercise calories and didn't lose or gained. Some people are not able to eat those calories back and being hounded about it isn't productive or wanted. I would have defriended you, too. I do not comment on diaries unless someone asks me to.

8BaughDad

For me its like being accountable to someone other than myself. Big brother is watching what I eat also and it keeps me focused, so all of the "WTG" and "Good Jobs" keep my mind on track. Of course if I am missing something, brutal honesty is expected.

Sunny_Lexie

I do not comment on diaries unless someone asks me to.

In my opinion, if you make your diary public, then you should expect people to look at it and share what they think about it. :huh:

If you don't want anyone intruding into your food diary, don't make it public. If you do not want people to comment on your exercise statuses, then don't makke them available.
"Settings" button --> problem solved.

Beth720

Warning: I'm tired, and this is going to be a semi rant.

I'm the kind of person who likes to offer suggestions and feedback for improvement. I always put things nicely, and try to explain things the easiest way possible. I have no real life contact with my MPF friends (except 1, who never logs in) So frankly I don't need to take time out of my day to help you out. But I will offer my congratulations and equally offer any suggestions and do some research to guide you in the right direction when I see something going terribly wrong.

One friend for instance exercises for at LEAST 1000 calories per day burned. And she only eats roughly 1200. Typically, she will net between 100-300 calories. I know this isn't healthy. I have linked her to forum posts about this, explained to her how she could be slowing her metabolism etc. I gave up for a little while. But then recently, I saw her status update on my home page, so I looked at her diary to see if she had made any improvements. Nope, same old story, this time she netted 120 calories. So I commented, and explained how technically she only gave her body 120 calories to function for the day. And BAM! I was defriended.

Okay, whatever. It's not my body that's going to be suffering so I don't care. It just makes me wonder, what is it people want out of the friend feature on here? Just someone to always say "WTG" or "great job!" on every diary update? I'd rather people be honest with me and tell me what I could do better. I know not everyone has the time to analyze everyone's diary, so I don't really expect it, that's fine. But when someone does take that time, I appreciate it. I guess not everyone can accept and appreciate that, and just expect people to tell them they are doing a great job all the time. That's not going to help anyone reach their goal if they aren't working at it properly.

I don't go to the gym for the sole purpose of logging it in my exercise diary so that I can hear people tell me "great workout!" That doesn't motivate me. That doesn't help me improve. Sure, its nice to hear compliments when you reach goals. But really its not like those people really care. Come on, everyone is guilty of basically "spamming" people's workouts/diaries with something like "great workout". Yay you burned 14 calories washing the windows--"awesome job!" ---did you really even read that? Wait... why are you even logging that in the first place?

Ok yep tired, rant over. heh heh

I understand where you're coming from for sure! I've got some friends on here who I think are genuinely encouraging but a lot more who are the "Yay! Rah!" kind of person. It does get annoying - especially with the "Happy 5th!" "Happy 10th!" etc. I've debated leaving several times - or just restarting with a new user name and my other email address and being more selective with the friends I have on here...but for now I'm tolerating it.

iceqieen

Can I be your friend

Some people can't take honesty, and really it is their loss. I like the random "good job" comments well enough, but I'd appreciate honest feedback better.

StartingAnewDay

I think it depends in all honesty. I KNOW 9 times out of 10 what i'm doing wrong when I do it, and "complaining" about it is sometimes my semi-rant. I don't mind constructive criticism but I think in that even there are rules.. 1 if you offer it, and it's not accepted, don't take offense, some people don't follow your same idealogy and what worked for you may not work for them. 2. I was at a point in the beginning where I was AFRAID of food, and even though I heard what everyone was saying, I couldn't adjust, it was a disconnect with my brain. I see it all over here also, I recognise the symtoms, bieng addicted to weighing every single day, over exercising etc:, not eating enough... but I realize thats part of the journey and they have to figure it out for themselves. Weight is a symptom and just like you have to go to school to learn your ABC's before you can write, you have to take the time to learn a healthy lifestyle and adjustments on the way, we are all at different stages in our journey... and 3. I would prefer and inboxed message of suggestions etc: if you are really that concerned. I don't want to feel policed or judged, I also don't need chronic cheerleaders.. The key is, like you said, you don't know most of these people, the words I would think of is diplomacy and respect.. I always think about how I would feel and how I felt at that point in my journey.. No one likes to have their hand visually slapped out of the cookie jar in an auditorium full of people I know the pull to impart knowledge you have learned is irresistable and clearly you do care or you wouldn't be ranting.. but like our children.. sometimes we have to take our own falls to fully appreciate the gift of balance.. Enjoy your day Jonzo21!!

rml_16

I do not comment on diaries unless someone asks me to.

In my opinion, if you make your diary public, then you should expect people to look at it and share what they think about it. :huh:

If you don't want anyone intruding into your food diary, don't make it public. If you do not want people to comment on your exercise statuses, then don't makke them available.
"Settings" button --> problem solved.

My diary is public because it makes it easier to point someone in that direction when someone asks for ideas.

You don't know why people leave their diaries public and unless that person specifically asks for critique, assuming they want it just because the diary is public is, well, you know what ASSUME breaks down to. Obviously, the person in question wasn't looking for critique or she would have responded the first apparently several times it was offered.

KittMahan

I've made some very good online friends through MFP, and the best ones we pay attention to each others diaries. We don't hound, we encourage and tease when necessary. I enjoy the banter, and it's especially valuable to me to know that people I care about are watching what I log.

I want them to comment if they see me doing something wrong, and someone who's going to take it personally if you suggest that they up their intake to be healthy should have set their diary to private.

Some people seem to have not noticed that the name of the site is "My Fitness Pal," not "My Starve Myself To Death Pal." Some people seem to be into gathering the hugest list of friends possible too.

The strength of this site, if you ask me, is the power of a small group of caring people to keep each other on the path to fitness.

kristielouisa

I agree with JulieBo, the friend feature motivates me to be good! Everyone I'm friends with seems to be doing a really great job of things, but also have a few bad days thrown in there. It makes me feel normal when I have a bad day but motivated when I see all the good things others have been doing. I don't really want to be criticized for doing something wrong because I usually know myself that I'm not doing the right thing anyway, I don't need someone else to point out my mistakes. That being said, everyone is different and I guess some people benefit from others' advice.

LemonPoppySeedMuffin

In my opinion, if you make your diary public, then you should expect people to look at it and share what they think about it. :huh:

If you don't want anyone intruding into your food diary, don't make it public. If you do not want people to comment on your exercise statuses, then don't makke them available.
"Settings" button --> problem solved.

Exactly! I don't post my diary because I should only be listening to my dietician's advice- nobody else's. I go from extreme binging (my can go up to 4000 calories) to restriction, I don't need anybody's judgement or criticism on that. I do appreciate support & encouragement if I'm having a bad day though, but I will ask for it.

jonzo21

I think you should have taken the hint when she didn't change her behavior after you hounded her constantly about it.

For all you know, she has tried eating back her exercise calories and didn't lose or gained. Some people are not able to eat those calories back and being hounded about it isn't productive or wanted. I would have defriended you, too. I do not comment on diaries unless someone asks me to.

to each his own, we all have our own reasons were on here and expect different things. If i didn't want my diary viewed, I wouldn't make it public. What's the point of it being public then? Constantly hounding would be saying the exact same thing on every diary entry, on every post. I explained the importance of eating exercise calories on one, linked her to the forums on another, and explained net calories last one. If you ask me, that information is productive. And I hardly believe by eating her exercise calories and netting more than 120 calories she would be gaining weight.

Luandanielle1979

Good post I got a big telling off in a post for eating 1200-1300 cals some days I might eat 1500. I dont actually lose weight on more than this and I eat little and often through out the day.
I do exercise and dont tend to eat my exericse cals back unless I am using them for something special but believe me I deffo dont burn 1000+ (I wish).
I have glossy shiny hair and enough fat reserves to last me a good 12months lol. I just dont get it why people always assume they are right and they know all the facts about everything.
I work 12 hour days in a hospital which is hardwork and I think I am quite fit. If I felt hungry or ill I would eat more. All MFP on my friends list are great and supportive. They really do help to spur me on when I need a push. I have at least 35lbs more to lose which is a huge amount and getting rid of it will make me feel much better and improve my health.

Its not the people I have on my friends list who comment and snipe and ***** its the people who comment on the forums and assume they are right. I love the support on here but sometimes it drives me insane when people jump down your throat for no reason. Eating 3000 cals aday and high staturated fat or 1200-1300 cals a day and lots of low cal veggies which is better?

Thanks for the post it was interesting reading x

JulieBoBoo

That's another thing, the longer I'm here the more I realize that there are many different ways to go about losing weight so telling people how to do it the way you are doing it can actually be contradictory to their method and rather unhelpful. Telling someone on a no-carb diet that they need to eat more carbs won't go over well. Telling someone who's had BS that they're not eating enough calories when some days they're barely managing to keep food down -- not so helpful. Telling one of my friends that she's eating crap while true only makes her feel worse about the fact that she can't afford fresh food (she feeds a family of 5 on $75-100 ever two weeks).

If you're not a health professional and you're not intimately familiar with this person's plan, history, medical condition and psychology, what makes you think that you actually know better how to do this than they do?

Granted netting under 1200 a day is unhealthy but for someone trying to come back from an eating disorder maybe just getting themselves into a positive net number is a HUGE accomplishment and then you go and raise the bar that much higher making it seems that even their best efforts are horribly insufficient.

Something to think about.

sarahlucydaynes26

I do not have my diary on show as I am a recovering Bulimic..
I am very honest of my day though through my status..
I had a crap weekend and I tell my friends and they always help..
I love great days where I get comments like ` great work ` ` good job ` etc.. It gives me a boost to keep going and that I am actually doing really well :-)
I just want from my fitness kings and queens... Support, Motivation and respect and that when I want to be OK I will show my diary.. They really do understand :-)
xx

Insinr8r

If I want my diary analyzed I'll print it and bring it to my doctor or a certified nutritionist. If I want to push my exercise to the next level I'll hire a personal trainer. Quite frankly, I'm not interested in having people second guess and criticize what I'm doing. My friends keep me accountable mentally because when I want to cheat I think about having to log it where people can see it and about how good it is to have people acknowledge a loss when I have one or remark on a good progress pic when I post them.

I make it clear on my profile that I'm not looking for a critique. People know that when they friend me. I think different people are looking for different things. There's nothing wrong with sending someone a message before you unfriend them to wish them well but explain that you want different things from the friend feature than they do.

I have to agree here. I have only just opened up my diary to my friends after 3 months being on this site because I have gotten to know them and if they are sincere in their encouragement or just paying lip service. I often send private messages to my friends if there is a query with what they have logged.

FearAnLoathing

I think you should have taken the hint when she didn't change her behavior after you hounded her constantly about it.

For all you know, she has tried eating back her exercise calories and didn't lose or gained. Some people are not able to eat those calories back and being hounded about it isn't productive or wanted. I would have defriended you, too. I do not comment on diaries unless someone asks me to.

to each his own, we all have our own reasons were on here and expect different things. If i didn't want my diary viewed, I wouldn't make it public. What's the point of it being public then? Constantly hounding would be saying the exact same thing on every diary entry, on every post. I explained the importance of eating exercise calories on one, linked her to the forums on another, and explained net calories last one. If you ask me, that information is productive. And I hardly believe by eating her exercise calories and netting more than 120 calories she would be gaining weight.

Well everybody does have their own reasons for being here,she chose not to take your advice and deleted you.You might find that info productive but obviously she didnt

engineman312

i want my friends to look at my diary and comment on how i did good, or bad. thats why it's public. i recently went over by almost 1000 calories. got a few comments, but explained it was because i had a race the next morning. i like a lot of my friends, and they tell me the truth, because i'll tell them the same. i will say something about an over indulgence, or poor choices. i do my best to be supportive, not all high and mighty. but if its a constant thing, i'm going to call them on it.

as far as exercise, well, all my mfp friends will tell you that i put up huge numbers, and i love it. part of it is because i want to impress and motivate others. and i comment when people do well in their exercises. i have also had private conversations with friends and helped them out with strength training, running, and other aspects of their fitness.

but i don't comment when people log things like cleaning. i won't be able to hold back the snarky comments.

teeley

I explained the importance of eating exercise calories on one, linked her to the forums on another, and explained net calories last one.

We all know how this debate ends...I don't eat my calories back and if I had a friend always telling me it is unhealthy I may unfriend them too. For this reason alone I simply do not enter my burn calories....I have unfriended many people due to not being as similar as I thought we were. My diary is open and I am always open to suggestions and yes even cold hard truth. If a friend ever post information to me for advice because they were concerned and it is a post from MPF I would probably unfriend them on the spot!!

jonzo21

That's another thing, the longer I'm here the more I realize that there are many different ways to go about losing weight so telling people how to do it the way you are doing it can actually be contradictory to their method and rather unhelpful. Telling someone on a no-carb diet that they need to eat more carbs won't go over well. Telling someone who's had BS that they're not eating enough calories when some days they're barely managing to keep food down -- not so helpful. Telling one of my friends that she's eating crap while true only makes her feel worse about the fact that she can't afford fresh food (she feeds a family of 5 on $75-100 ever two weeks).

If you're not a health professional and you're not intimately familiar with this person's plan, history, medical condition and psychology, what makes you think that you actually know better how to do this than they do?

Granted netting under 1200 a day is unhealthy but for someone trying to come back from an eating disorder maybe just getting themselves into a positive net number is a HUGE accomplishment and then you go and raise the bar that much higher making it seems that even their best efforts are horribly insufficient.

Something to think about.

I understand some people may have medical conditions or other issues. I wasn't telling anyone what to do, I was simply explaining the importance of increasing the calorie consumption and linking forums for her to read about it herself. I mean, There are ways for the issue to be fixed if she cannot eat that many calories due to health issues etc. Why exercise so much everyday? Why not cut down the exercise a little bit, so that her body could get used to more calories, little by little? there's ways. But I guess you have to figure them out on your own. Not everyone will gladly accept good advice like I would, oh well.

rml_16

I think you should have taken the hint when she didn't change her behavior after you hounded her constantly about it.

For all you know, she has tried eating back her exercise calories and didn't lose or gained. Some people are not able to eat those calories back and being hounded about it isn't productive or wanted. I would have defriended you, too. I do not comment on diaries unless someone asks me to.

to each his own, we all have our own reasons were on here and expect different things. If i didn't want my diary viewed, I wouldn't make it public. What's the point of it being public then? Constantly hounding would be saying the exact same thing on every diary entry, on every post. I explained the importance of eating exercise calories on one, linked her to the forums on another, and explained net calories last one. If you ask me, that information is productive. And I hardly believe by eating her exercise calories and netting more than 120 calories she would be gaining weight.

She didn't respond to your first two messages. The third was overkill. You didn't get the hint, she defriended you. She has her own reasons for having her diary open. They may be different than yours. Mine is open for my own reasons, but no to attract unwanted or unrequested critique.

Thankfully, my MFP friends mind their own business. I would have let the first comment from you go, and possibly the second. But I would have defriended after the third, too.

jonzo21

We all know how this debate ends...I don't eat my calories back and if I had a friend always telling me it is unhealthy I may unfriend them too. For this reason alone I simply do not enter my burn calories....I have unfriended many people due to not being as similar as I thought we were. My diary is open and I am always open to suggestions and yes even cold hard truth. If a friend ever post information to me for advice because they were concerned and it is a post from MPF I would probably unfriend them on the spot!!

the whole eating exercise calories back is definitely a huge debate on this website. Aside from getting advice from a doctor, I've come to the conclusion that as long as you're in a healthy calorie range, you shouldn't need to eat them all back. People need to do what's best for their own body, yes.
But when you are giving your body 120 calories to use throughout the day, outside of exercise,... I hardly think that's healthy.

teeley

We all know how this debate ends...I don't eat my calories back and if I had a friend always telling me it is unhealthy I may unfriend them too. For this reason alone I simply do not enter my burn calories....I have unfriended many people due to not being as similar as I thought we were. My diary is open and I am always open to suggestions and yes even cold hard truth. If a friend ever post information to me for advice because they were concerned and it is a post from MPF I would probably unfriend them on the spot!!

the whole eating exercise calories back is definitely a huge debate on this website. Aside from getting advice from a doctor, I've come to the conclusion that as long as you're in a healthy calorie range, you shouldn't need to eat them all back. People need to do what's best for their own body, yes.
But when you are giving your body 120 calories to use throughout the day, outside of exercise,... I hardly think that's healthy.

I agree, sorry to have played the devils advocate there...I do eat enough calories and don't burn 1000+ everyday...:)

rml_16

We all know how this debate ends...I don't eat my calories back and if I had a friend always telling me it is unhealthy I may unfriend them too. For this reason alone I simply do not enter my burn calories....I have unfriended many people due to not being as similar as I thought we were. My diary is open and I am always open to suggestions and yes even cold hard truth. If a friend ever post information to me for advice because they were concerned and it is a post from MPF I would probably unfriend them on the spot!!

the whole eating exercise calories back is definitely a huge debate on this website. Aside from getting advice from a doctor, I've come to the conclusion that as long as you're in a healthy calorie range, you shouldn't need to eat them all back. People need to do what's best for their own body, yes.
But when you are giving your body 120 calories to use throughout the day, outside of exercise,... I hardly think that's healthy.

That's nice that you don't think that's healthy. But you are not a doctor and I assume not a nutritionist or dietician. She was doing what worked for her. She may change that on her own eventually, but three times bugging her about it after she didn't respond twice already was not welcome. She has a right to not want to deal with that.

jonzo21

I think you should have taken the hint when she didn't change her behavior after you hounded her constantly about it.

For all you know, she has tried eating back her exercise calories and didn't lose or gained. Some people are not able to eat those calories back and being hounded about it isn't productive or wanted. I would have defriended you, too. I do not comment on diaries unless someone asks me to.

to each his own, we all have our own reasons were on here and expect different things. If i didn't want my diary viewed, I wouldn't make it public. What's the point of it being public then? Constantly hounding would be saying the exact same thing on every diary entry, on every post. I explained the importance of eating exercise calories on one, linked her to the forums on another, and explained net calories last one. If you ask me, that information is productive. And I hardly believe by eating her exercise calories and netting more than 120 calories she would be gaining weight.

She didn't respond to your first two messages. The third was overkill. You didn't get the hint, she defriended you. She has her own reasons for having her diary open. They may be different than yours. Mine is open for my own reasons, but no to attract unwanted or unrequested critique.

Thankfully, my MFP friends mind their own business. I would have let the first comment from you go, and possibly the second. But I would have defriended after the third, too.

Noow you are assuming things. I never said she didn't respond to my messages. She actually did. In one, she said it was hard for her to eat all her calories because she's not hungry enough to eat that many calories. I think I may have suggested some calorie rich foods that may help her increase her intake. she also thanked me for the link I gave her and read it and did some research about it on her own, made a forum post for herself and situation specifically. But yes, I'm guessing the 3rd time was overkill, otherwise I wouldn't have been deleted. Doesn't matter, if someone cant take helpful advice, I don't need them as a friend. They are then just a useless name in my profile.

jonzo21

We all know how this debate ends...I don't eat my calories back and if I had a friend always telling me it is unhealthy I may unfriend them too. For this reason alone I simply do not enter my burn calories....I have unfriended many people due to not being as similar as I thought we were. My diary is open and I am always open to suggestions and yes even cold hard truth. If a friend ever post information to me for advice because they were concerned and it is a post from MPF I would probably unfriend them on the spot!!

the whole eating exercise calories back is definitely a huge debate on this website. Aside from getting advice from a doctor, I've come to the conclusion that as long as you're in a healthy calorie range, you shouldn't need to eat them all back. People need to do what's best for their own body, yes.
But when you are giving your body 120 calories to use throughout the day, outside of exercise,... I hardly think that's healthy.

That's nice that you don't think that's healthy. But you are not a doctor and I assume not a nutritionist or dietician. She was doing what worked for her. She may change that on her own eventually, but three times bugging her about it after she didn't respond twice already was not welcome. She has a right to not want to deal with that.

again, I may have forgot to mention it, but she DID respond. Therefore its not like the comments were going ignored. If I get ignored, I tend to just not respond anymore because I assume the person doesn't need to hear what I have to say, and thats not a big deal. But she did.