What do you want/expect out of your MPF friends? (warning: r

Sunny_Lexie

My diary is public because it makes it easier to point someone in that direction when someone asks for ideas.

So you are offering ideas even to people who don't ask for them, since it's public.
Don't really see your point, sorry. I rarely look into people's diaries for ideas, because I don't live in the US and I may not have the same tastes. I look at the repartition of the calories and nutrients; that's the only idea I could get but even then (no offense!) I don't think I need someone's diary for that.

If someone tells me I'm doing something wrong I will consider their opinion. You make your diary public and only want people to look at it for ideas of how *they* should plan their day. Well sorry but it's not a one-way road, if I am making myself clear.

Obviously, the person in question wasn't looking for critique or she would have responded the first apparently several times it was offered.

I don't know that person and I don't know her motivations for a such small net calorie intake per day, but as a friend and a supporter memeber of MFP I would worry too. If the person does not want critique, she can simply explain it or even tell she doesn't want any further comment on her *public* diary. I don't think that defriending people for that is constructive, and it's sad if she felt offended because someone cared.

engineman312

Sunny_Lexie

+1 :laugh:

ElizabethRoad

Doesn't matter, if someone cant take helpful advice, I don't need them as a friend. They are then just a useless name in my profile.

Clearly it does matter, or you wouldn't have posted this.

You want friends who will accept unsolicited advice; she is not one of those people. Move on.

rml_16

My diary is public because it makes it easier to point someone in that direction when someone asks for ideas.

So you are offering ideas even to people who don't ask for them, since it's public.
Don't really see your point, sorry. I rarely look into people's diaries for ideas, because I don't live in the US and I may not have the same tastes. I look at the repartition of the calories and nutrients; that's the only idea I could get but even then (no offense!) I don't think I need someone's diary for that.

If someone tells me I'm doing something wrong I will consider their opinion. You make your diary public and only want people to look at it for ideas of how *they* should plan their day. Well sorry but it's not a one-way road, if I am making myself clear.

Obviously, the person in question wasn't looking for critique or she would have responded the first apparently several times it was offered.

I don't know that person and I don't know her motivations for a such small net calorie intake per day, but as a friend and a supporter memeber of MFP I would worry too. If the person does not want critique, she can simply explain it or even tell she doesn't want any further comment on her *public* diary. I don't think that defriending people for that is constructive, and it's sad if she felt offended because someone cared.

I'm a vegetarian. It is not rare for people who are trying to go veg to come here and ask for ideas. It's a lot easier to say, "check out my diary" than to type out a list and try to remember everything I eat. That was my point.

I think that not changing what she's doing after TWICE being told to do so by the OP was her way of saying "back off." The OP did not take the hint. She got defriended. She claims she's OK with that, but then she posted this long rant about it on the publc message board.

DottieNewton

I have friends for encouragement. I have my food diary open because it makes me accountable. I NEED both those things. I would not comment on someone's diary unless they ask. IF they post on a message board or blog--I would think they would expect comments. Though, I don't think rudeness is ever acceptable. and name calling or belittling are never okay. I know when I have messed up. and if I need or seek advice I will ask for it. I, as an obese woman do enough of chastising and be-little-ing myself in my mind.It only leads to further over eating.

i_love_vinegar

My diary is public because it makes it easier to point someone in that direction when someone asks for ideas.

So you are offering ideas even to people who don't ask for them, since it's public.
Don't really see your point, sorry. I rarely look into people's diaries for ideas, because I don't live in the US and I may not have the same tastes. I look at the repartition of the calories and nutrients; that's the only idea I could get but even then (no offense!) I don't think I need someone's diary for that.

If someone tells me I'm doing something wrong I will consider their opinion. You make your diary public and only want people to look at it for ideas of how *they* should plan their day. Well sorry but it's not a one-way road, if I am making myself clear.

Obviously, the person in question wasn't looking for critique or she would have responded the first apparently several times it was offered.

I don't know that person and I don't know her motivations for a such small net calorie intake per day, but as a friend and a supporter memeber of MFP I would worry too. If the person does not want critique, she can simply explain it or even tell she doesn't want any further comment on her *public* diary. I don't think that defriending people for that is constructive, and it's sad if she felt offended because someone cared.

I'm a vegetarian. It is not rare for people who are trying to go veg to come here and ask for ideas. It's a lot easier to say, "check out my diary" than to type out a list and try to remember everything I eat. That was my point.

I think that not changing what she's doing after TWICE being told to do so by the OP was her way of saying "back off." The OP did not take the hint. She got defriended. She claims she's OK with that, but then she posted this long rant about it on the publc message board.

Exactly my thoughts. I also agree with those that said there are various reasons for keeping diaries open...

I do not keep mine open to be told, "OMG WTF BBQ you are gonna STARVE" or something. I keep it open because I know some of my friends simply like to see what I am eating and compare.

While I understand the OP had good intentions, not everyone diets in the same way...so pls understand this and maybe don't bug friends 3 times if they obviously don't want you to ^^

AlsDonkBoxSquat

I don't expect a pat on the back, as I am self motivated, but it's nice. I try to return the favor. I'm busy, I expect my mfp's to also be busy . . . between work and family the interwebz should take a back seat. I expect mfp's to log in on a semi regular basis and remove anyone whose account is over a month stale. I expect mfp's to make the occassional comment as they seem fit, and to respect my response because this is all about me and what works for me. I also expect them to do what's right for them, and if what I'm doing doesn't fit into their comfort zone I expect them to remove me as I do the same. I have removed mfp's because I cannot reconcile their lifestyle and they bring nothing additional to the "relationship" and kept others because I really enjoy the interactions so I put aside the other stuff.
I do have to say that if I was regularly receiving pm's from someone about my lifestyle balance I would feel harrassed and drop them like a bad habit. They've provided me documentation, the assumption is that since I'm using a computer I can actually read, I have to respect what I think works for me. I'm open to suggestions, not everyone is, but even I can only take so much of the same thing.

umachanxo

I suppose that it would mean different things to different people. I genuinely care about the success of the people I have met on MFP, and I do comment on their successes. Because, to me, any success is a success. Be it burning 600 calories doing a hike, or only burning 20 from washing windows.

But that's me, and that's how I see it. Not everyone sees it the same way, and I can understand your point of view. My suggestion to you is to be wary of who you add.

I appreciate any tips friends give me on here, and I appreciate every word of encouragement.

em9371

I dont have many MFP friends and I am just fine with that, my friends have similar goals to me or live nearby, I joined to track my eating not have 1000's of 'virtual' friends that have nothing in common with me!
If I see an update for a friend that they have achieved a goal / weighed in / need motivating I would reply, but I don't see the point of saying well done to every single post, I dont need to be told well done every time i go to the gym or fill in my diary so hopefully my friends are not offended by me not replying to everything!

cricketannie

The way I look at it is that if you are on here and logging, you are looking for some "good job's" and "way to go's" A lot of my friends are partaking in their weight loss journey's on their own and without a lot of family encouragement. Sometimes you need someone to tell you "good job" after you decided to eat an orange instead of fries. Or maybe you need someone to cheer you on if you walked that extra mile today. Most importantly, some people need to hear "That's ok! Try again tomorrow!" when they have had a bad day.
Doing anything at all that is a step in the right direction for a healthier life deserves encouragement.
Of course, if the person is not making healthy decisions, they may need some constructive criticism to get them moving in the right direction.
When it comes down to it, though, these people usually aren't your actual lifelong friends. If they don't want your input they certainly don't have to take it.
We are all here to cheer each other on in our journeys.

mfpseven

If I want my diary analyzed I'll print it and bring it to my doctor or a certified nutritionist. If I want to push my exercise to the next level I'll hire a personal trainer. Quite frankly, I'm not interested in having people second guess and criticize what I'm doing. My friends keep me accountable mentally because when I want to cheat I think about having to log it where people can see it and about how good it is to have people acknowledge a loss when I have one or remark on a good progress pic when I post them.

I make it clear on my profile that I'm not looking for a critique. People know that when they friend me. I think different people are looking for different things. There's nothing wrong with sending someone a message before you unfriend them to wish them well but explain that you want different things from the friend feature than they do.

this is totally how I feel about it. I like that people notice when I didn't binge on sweet and congratulate me. If I ate veggies all day and worked really hard at my job I may get neg cals but I ate and if my body wasn't telling me it needed to eat more why should I?

If I want to zigzag my cals or I wasn't feeling well I don't want someone(who is essentially a stranger) telling me that I'm damaging my body and that I'm unhealthy and going into starvation mode. 20lbs over 3 months with calorie deprivation(by way of healthier food) and working out doesn't sound all that bad.

Now that I'm pregnant I don't have that option but I prefer the people that notice when I didn't eat half a pie to the people that say you need to eat all you exercise calories or you're killing you baby.

macpatti

I don't expect anything. If they're up to commenting on my diary or one of my statuses, then great. If they don't, no big deal. I would hate for any of my friends to give me obligatory comments because they felt like I expected it.

bry_all01

I don't EXPECT anything, but I prefer friends who will do the same as I do, which is support, encourage, kick *kitten* when needed, make funnies, lend a shoulder, offer advice as requested, not shove advice down my throat that was not asked for.

My diary was open during training, so others could get ideas as well as maybe once in a while offer opinions, but I kept it open to show that I am human and I eat what I want to eat and can remain healthy, because I use portion control.

I also would prefer that people get to know my past, which is listed in my profile. I too, try to do all of these things as a friend.

sunkisses

I want to kick it with my MFP friends. I presume that as adults they can find the answers to the questions they have and that they don't need me to do a baseball butt-patting session with them when they do well. If they ask for advice, I'll give it. I share my experiences with them if they're not asking for advice and if I actually have experience to share. Otherwise, they're on their own. I already have 2 kids, and I only need one mom myself.

Kris10can

The thing I like most about MFP is the honesty. Unfortunately, I have always felt private about my weight gain and poor dietary habits....and actually seeking support and feedback from people who I don't know has been so helpful because I feel as though I can be more honest, judged less, and more focused on doing what I want to do,.....and that is becoming a healthier person! I am not the type of person to act like I know everything.....so I am very receptive to feedback so that I can achieve my goals, the right way!

myofibril

Food, compliments and the occasional pair of shoes. I am very low maintenance.

macpatti

One of my friends who shall remain nameless (shannon), expects checks from us. We just tell her "it's in the mail".

NiciS72

While I do get your point, there are other viewpoints. I for one don't eat back my exercise calories at the direction of my Dr. who is a weight loss Dr. and understands what I'm trying to do. Maybe this "friend" is following direction from a nutritionist or Dr. who she/he feels is more qualified to direct them. I will also say that if I had someone comment like you do, I would probably send them a personal note explaining what I'm doing so they don't keep on making comments against medical advice. I've never de-friended someone because they said something I disagreed with. I also put in my profile and friend requests that I do look at diaries and will tell you to eat more fruit/veggies/lean meats. I suggest maybe you do the same going forward and chalk this up to a lesson learned.

iAMaPhoenix

You guys want too much. Here is my top 5 wish list.
1. For you to contribute to my children's college education fund
2. For you to work out so hard that I get a six pack
3. For you to co-sign for me to get a Bentley
4. Your credit score if it is over 750
5. No strings attached sex from all the hawt girls...and guys if we are really drunk and the only girl left in the club is Magic Johnson's girlfriend.

I don't think that is too much to ask of my MFP friends.

StartingAnewDay

I know I didn't have to read it.. but I did.. the WHOLE thing.. and all this did.. was make me uncomfortable, confused and unhappy.. Some are confusing judgement with helpfulness, some are not bieng accepting of the fact that it's OK for someone to not want your advice, just as it's ok for someone who does!! smh.. I think i'd get more real support from a 99 cent bra.. Everyone is at a different stage.. you said you tried to help and she responded, she was having trouble.. she researched etc: So she did make an attempt.. ask yourselves.. how many times have you tried to lose weight? Perhaps fallin off the wagon? not got it right?? I'm sorry she wasn't making improvements fast enough for you,, or perhaps her life, her journey didn't line up with the way you KNOW to be the absolutely rightest way ever!! i'm sorry that some people have struggles and this angers people who don't or may not have or understand those struggles.. Most of all, I'm sorry even on a weight loss site you are judged and can't just gain the unconditional support you need for that moment in your journey whatever it may be.. You can't force people to get where you want them to be anymore than anyone can force you!! Either be supportive or move on!! Like I'm about to do..

DWilbanks

I would like encouragement. I don't need the Happy 50th or whatever every 5 days. But I have to say, that awhile back I was at a stand still and got very discouraged, and I posted that on my home page. Not one of my MFP friends commented. No one gave encouragement, or said anything along the lines of don't give up. I'm the type that I give as good as I get. Maybe that's wrong of me, I really don't know. But I just think I had (and yes I mean had) MFP friends that were one sided. They wanted the encouragement and congrats, but didn't want to help in return. So now I just do my own thing, not expecting anything in return, therefore I'm not disappointed. Hopefully I'll stick with this and can one day post in success section.

ummlovelovesyou

To be supportive and encouraging.

I hope they expect me to reciprocate that back to them.

barbergirl28

This truly was an interesting blog. I am still fairly new here so I guess I am one of those "YEAH" and WTG commentators. I don't know too many people around here yet so I just want to offer that extra motivation.
As for what I expect from my online friends... I expect them to offer their support. But in the same sense, I don't need the advice that I already know. If I ate fast food - I already know it was bad for me... I don't need someone hounding me about it. With a family of 5, sometimes junk food happens. However, I do want honest feedback. Say I mention that I am having a hard time losing weight and I am not sure what I am doing wrong - did in! But then I expect the critiques and the slap of the hands when someone says you shouldn't have eaten that cookie.
However, it is a catch 22 because I would really enjoy good honest feedback to help me succeed. Yet, I also like the Way to Go because it seems someone out there is noticing. So I guess what it really comes down to... I don't really know what I expect from the friends here on MFP, but if they defriended me or friended me doesn't matter. I am here to track my calories and make sure I am eating enough. Before this, I came to the realization that I was starving my body. Not on purpose, but because I got to busy taking care of everybody else. I guess I want it for the tools and while I appreciate the extra push, it isn't what I am here for!

messyinthekitchen

You did the right thing. I want friends who offer advice when I ask for it. Suggestions. And if they feel like I am doing something that can hurt me then to tell me. I would have done the same thing as you. Clearly by her defriending you she knew you were right and for whatever reason could not accept it. No loss off your back. she is the one who is hurting herself. But someone else will need your honestly and you could help them. So keep doing what your doing.

lizziebeth1028

Quite frankly, when I joined I didn't realize this was a social network. I joined to make use of the free calorie counter, set some personals fitness goals and be accountable to myself. I've been living a healthy lifestyle, maintaining a healthy weight and exercising all my adult life. This site is just another tool to fine tune my fitness goals. I didn't get involved in the forums or acquiring friends at first but I have now acquired quite a nice group of great friends. I appreciate their motivation and the camaraderie and giving it in return. However.....I do not like unsolicited advice. If I need an opinion I'll ask for it. I do not want a stranger (which honestly 99% of us are complete strangers) creeping all over my diary and analyzing what I eat. Hence my diary is on private.

The only thing I expect to get and give is some occasional motivation, inspiration and camaraderie.

midwifekelley2350

Warning: I'm tired, and this is going to be a semi rant.

I'm the kind of person who likes to offer suggestions and feedback for improvement. I always put things nicely, and try to explain things the easiest way possible. I have no real life contact with my MPF friends (except 1, who never logs in) So frankly I don't need to take time out of my day to help you out. But I will offer my congratulations and equally offer any suggestions and do some research to guide you in the right direction when I see something going terribly wrong.

One friend for instance exercises for at LEAST 1000 calories per day burned. And she only eats roughly 1200. Typically, she will net between 100-300 calories. I know this isn't healthy. I have linked her to forum posts about this, explained to her how she could be slowing her metabolism etc. I gave up for a little while. But then recently, I saw her status update on my home page, so I looked at her diary to see if she had made any improvements. Nope, same old story, this time she netted 120 calories. So I commented, and explained how technically she only gave her body 120 calories to function for the day. And BAM! I was defriended.

Okay, whatever. It's not my body that's going to be suffering so I don't care. It just makes me wonder, what is it people want out of the friend feature on here? Just someone to always say "WTG" or "great job!" on every diary update? I'd rather people be honest with me and tell me what I could do better. I know not everyone has the time to analyze everyone's diary, so I don't really expect it, that's fine. But when someone does take that time, I appreciate it. I guess not everyone can accept and appreciate that, and just expect people to tell them they are doing a great job all the time. That's not going to help anyone reach their goal if they aren't working at it properly.

I don't go to the gym for the sole purpose of logging it in my exercise diary so that I can hear people tell me "great workout!" That doesn't motivate me. That doesn't help me improve. Sure, its nice to hear compliments when you reach goals. But really its not like those people really care. Come on, everyone is guilty of basically "spamming" people's workouts/diaries with something like "great workout". Yay you burned 14 calories washing the windows--"awesome job!" ---did you really even read that? Wait... why are you even logging that in the first place?

Ok yep tired, rant over. heh heh

don't you wonder if she really did 1,000 cal worth of exercise in the first place? i have a hard time believing that anyone could exercise like that and not fuel the body...pretty much impossible on a reg basis. some people really just need the attention, don't you think?

jonzo21

I think that not changing what she's doing after TWICE being told to do so by the OP was her way of saying "back off." The OP did not take the hint. She got defriended. She claims she's OK with that, but then she posted this long rant about it on the publc message board.

My rant was about what people expect from MFP friends in the first place if they have all their stuff public. I was also ranting about the stupid exercises people post. You really want a "good job" for cleaning? I just think thats ridiculous unless you were on your hands and knees scrubbing for hours, then great job because I would never do that.

I used her as an example. I gave helpful advice How am I supposed to know if its bothering her if :
1) She responded to my advice,, acknowledged she knew it was a problem, asked me what to do to increase the calorie intake when she isn't hungry
2) she didn't straight out tell me she didn't want me to give anymore advice.
I should also note that I did ask her at first if she was seeing a nutritionist. My post was something like "It doesn't look like you're giving your body enough calories to function with all that exercise, are you seeing a nutritionist?" She told me no, and I explained why this could be harmful, what net calories means, and linked her to some information on it.

Again, this post was a rant about the MFP friend system in general, with her as an example, but now its digressed into something different. I was ranting because I thought the whole point of this was to give advice/encouragement etc. not JUST a "WTG" but I guess not everyone feel the same way, so I'm glad I made this post because now I'm getting different viewpoints of the purpose of friends for other people. I guess you can be okay with people spam posting everyone on their list "good workout" and get motivated, even if I don't. If someone doesn't want you took look at their diary or comment on it, whats so hard about emailing them and saying so? Or *gasp* just changing it to private, and then public ONLY when there's a reason for it.

jonzo21

Quite frankly, when I joined I didn't realize this was a social network. I joined to make use of the free calorie counter, set some personals fitness goals and be accountable to myself. I've been living a healthy lifestyle, maintaining a healthy weight and exercising all my adult life. This site is just another tool to fine tune my fitness goals. I didn't get involved in the forums or acquiring friends at first but I have now acquired quite a nice group of great friends. I appreciate their motivation and the camaraderie and giving it in return. However.....I do not like unsolicited advice. If I need an opinion I'll ask for it. I do not want a stranger (which honestly 99% of us are complete strangers) creeping all over my diary and analyzing what I eat. Hence my diary is on private.

The only thing I expect to get and give is some occasional motivation, inspiration and camaraderie.

see and that's what I'm saying. If you don't want someone to analyze your diary, then make it private. That makes it obvious the person isn't here to be analyzed or advised. But if your diary is open, that privacy is gone and its all fair game unless you clearly state it somewhere on your profile or to a specific user, etc.

There are some really helpful people on here. No, I'm not a fitness expert, but I'm smart enough to know that 120 calories a day isn't enough. I wouldn't have bothered trying to help anyone in the first place if I didn't know what I was talking about. I'm pretty sure no doctor is going to tell anyone to eat 100 calories a day.

EuroDriver12

personally dont care what some of my friends do... but ppl i try to find are ppl that have same goals.. this way we can get little competition going e.g. who gets higher bench press, who puts on more lbs, who gets lower BF% etc..