Am I alone again?

unmitigatedbadassery

I normally wouldn't post personal things like this but lately it seems that you guys are the only ones that can give me some objective comments.

My girlfriend (former? I'm not really sure at this point) told me to find another place to live recently. She told me in August but I thought things were getting better and it had passed. I guess not. When she said it a few days ago I thought maybe she was pissed at me (not sure why) and it would pass again. Over the past few days it seems as though I might actually have to leave.

I love her, but if she really wants me to leave I will. The problem I'm having is that we have a son. He's 2 and I can't imagine not being able to see him all day, every day if I want. He's just at that age where he understands that I'm not home and I know it worries him. The complaints about me are pretty universal I suppose.

The major complaint is that we no longer have a romantic relationship. 2 years ago, as some of you know, I had a stroke. That affected my sex drive quite a bit. While I'm not opposed to it, I need a little encouragement to get into it. Compound that with the fact that she always seems stressed (yet refuses to talk to me about it) and it stresses me out too. To the point where I have zero interest in making a move.

We can't go out together for a couple reasons (mostly on her part) and it seems that she resents the fact that I CAN go out with my friends once a week. I spend next to zero money when I go out and I'm over at my friends house (which is 5 minutes away) - no drinking, no drugs, no strippers. Most of the time we are either recording our podcast or playing video games. I don't get why this is an issue.

I don't see the world the way she does. I've become a very positive person over the past couple years. She's become increasingly negative (maybe that's my fault). I don't search for things around the house to do, i.e. cleaning. I cook dinner, I clean the kitchen every night. I tidy up a bit too on the weekends. I honestly don't think I'm unbearable to live with.

I know I have many flaws. One of which I will own up to is that I get focused. When I decide to do something I make sure it gets done. I know that excludes her some but I feel that if she wanted to be involved then she should get involved when I ask her about it.

I'm recently unemployed too. As in 3 weeks ago. I've applied at nearly every place around here. I'm making an active effort to find a new job. I've also applied to go to school. I don't know what I'm missing.

I don't know what the point of this is. I don't know if I want advice or what but please feel free to comment accordingly. Thanks.

emancipateurself

it's going to be ok.

I was married to the love of my life...the man I loved since I was 17.....and it didn't work out. We didn't have kids ... thank god I can't imagine....

I think we all to realize that we need to be able to stand on our own two feet and be healthy and deal with our issues and LOVE OURSELVES before we can love another ...

Sometimes people need to be seperated for awhile to realize that they need to be together and work on their issues....others just don't work out......

I don't know your situation all I can say though is it's going to be ok....and if you ever need to talk to someone that understands loss I'm around.

unmitigatedbadassery

Thank you. It's really my son that makes this so hard.

emancipateurself

Thank you. It's really my son that makes this so hard.

I bet.

It sounds like she's going through her own stuff too though right....your making HUGE *kitten* CHANGES in your life and your CHANGING...you may not see it from her perspective INFACT your not going too because your not her.

Just hopefully you guys can work it out or some arrangement that you can see your son alot still.......

again I can't imagine it 'cuz of your kid just know that a stranger cares...

unmitigatedbadassery

I'm sure she's dealing with her own stuff. I just have no idea what it is because she doesn't talk to me. She seems to be slipping deeper into depression over the past few months and I wish I knew why. He biggest complaint, as far as I can tell, is that we are essentially like roommates now with a kid. Mine would have to be that she won't talk to me so that we CAN try to fix things.

cmriverside

It sounds like you might benefit from some couples' counselling. Can you start looking for someone? There are sliding-scale counselling sessions. It would be worth it if you can save your relationship. At the least you will know you gave it everything you've got.

My parents were divorced. I would have loved to have had my Dad around. Stay active in his life regardless of where you live.

emancipateurself

I'm sure she's dealing with her own stuff. I just have no idea what it is because she doesn't talk to me. She seems to be slipping deeper into depression over the past few months and I wish I knew why. He biggest complaint, as far as I can tell, is that we are essentially like roommates now with a kid. Mine would have to be that she won't talk to me so that we CAN try to fix things.

omg I feel like i'm reliving my marriage....

my husband shut down...didn't matter what I did.....I could yell in front of his face and he wouldn't show any emotion...he had two feet out the door emotionally before he did literally.....

all u can do for yourself is just let her know that your open to having conversation and want to know her feelings and want all of that

if she's not willing too you can't force someone to do that you know...

I know it's hard.......

unmitigatedbadassery

Thanks cmriverside - I'm willing to find a counselor. I don't think she would be willing to go though. My parents were divorced too and I hated that I didn't see my dad enough. I refuse to let my kid go through that.

AubreysMommy30

Wow. You have just described my life except I am the miserable girlfriend (wife, actually but you know). I can't speak for her but I know that many of the issues that stress me out is my career, my 2 year old daughter; being a full time student, wife and mother can really rake you. More importantly, I am not happy with my appearance which translates into an almost constant bad mood.. at least towards my husband. The only advice I can give (if she is suffering from any of my issues) is to back off. If she is anything like me, she won't want to talk about her feelings or her issues and the more you press, the more she will get angry and push you away. If you two share a home, I don't think she can technically throw you out; however she can make it so miserable for you that you will wish you had moved out. The best thing for you now is to let her be. You stay in one room and her in the other. Make her believe you don't really care anymore. Don't be mean, just not as attentive and 'available'. She'll come around. We can be pretty nasty to our men when we don't feel threatened however if she thinks you have lost interest in her, she may want to talk about it. If that doesn't work, be just as mean to her as she is to you. Grow a pair and stand up to her. As long as you act like her whipping boy, she will treat you like one. One way or another, you have to do something since what you are currently doing isn't working. Again, just my suggestion... but I know that when my hubbs did it, it worked for us... for now anyway Good luck to you!



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janalayn

My marriage broke up and I was left to raise a 4 year old and 4 day old by myself. Whatever happens stay active in your son's life ... he needs you .. esp if his mom is depressed.

As a woman I can say personally that physical intimacy is important .. not necessarily sex. Holding hands, snuggling, physical contact that says I care about you. I don't know if it is too late for your relationship or not, but whoever you are with, MOST (not all) women need physical intimacy to feel loved. I think the counseling idea is also great ... even if it is just to help the two of you learn to co-parent. Good luck ... I will keep you in my prayers.

krist3ng

Coming in from a girl's perspective-- maybe you should try to initiate sex more frequently. I remember (cough tmi) with my ex a lot of our problems that led to me breaking up with him were because we weren't having enough sex for my needs, and I was tired of always initiating, and it made me feel unattractive. The lack of sex was due to fighting, the fighting was perpetuated due to lack of sex.

If you really love her, and want to make it work, why not try telling her she's beautiful and then (despite your lowered sex drive-- tough but you said you CAN have sex) do her. Aw yeah.

Seriously, after a good ****ing, it's pretty hard to be mad at someone.

AubreysMommy30

I just re-read my post and it sounds kind of mean. I'm sorry; I did not intend to sound mean. Just wanted to say so :happy:

AubreysMommy30

Coming in from a girl's perspective-- maybe you should try to initiate sex more frequently. I remember (cough tmi) with my ex a lot of our problems that led to me breaking up with him were because we weren't having enough sex for my needs, and I was tired of always initiating, and it made me feel unattractive. The lack of sex was due to fighting, the fighting was perpetuated due to lack of sex.

If you really love her, and want to make it work, why not try telling her she's beautiful and then (despite your lowered sex drive-- tough but you said you CAN have sex) do her. Aw yeah.

Seriously, after a good ****ing, it's pretty hard to be mad at someone.

HAHA I love it! Awesome response!

ahinescapron

Since there is a child involved, I think you really have to have a frank conversation about what is going on and what the right solution is. It sounds like maybe you have been laying low, hoping it will blow over and not wanting to confront the issue. Bottom line, though, you need to know what is going on and if this relationship is over. If it is, you need to make a plan for how you are going to make this adjustment easier for your child and how you are going to work out custody issue. No matter what the outcome of your relationship, there has to be a plan for how you will co-parent this child. Be honest and tell her how you feel and offer to support her in any way she will accept. If she is miserable with herself, though, there is nothing you can do to make her happy. It may not even be about you. I also second the recommendation for counseling. It sounds like you could benefit from learning how to communicate a bit better with each other and it can be helpful to have a neutral person there to help.

unmitigatedbadassery

Coming in from a girl's perspective-- maybe you should try to initiate sex more frequently. I remember (cough tmi) with my ex a lot of our problems that led to me breaking up with him were because we weren't having enough sex for my needs, and I was tired of always initiating, and it made me feel unattractive. The lack of sex was due to fighting, the fighting was perpetuated due to lack of sex.

If you really love her, and want to make it work, why not try telling her she's beautiful and then (despite your lowered sex drive-- tough but you said you CAN have sex) do her. Aw yeah.

Seriously, after a good ****ing, it's pretty hard to be mad at someone.

Thanks, I tend to agree. I know I've never been pissed afterward. I just don't feel like she's receptive to any (while few) of the moves I make. I offered a shoulder rub last week specifically to initiate and I was shot down with quickness. At the risk of sounding less than manly, it really seems as though she doesn't want me around sometimes.

Becoming_A_Butterfly

Are you on a lease or deed for the home you share? If so, she truly does not have the right or the grounds to throw you out.

After watching my boyfriend go through a horrible fight just to see his kids, my concern is your relationship with your son. Is it possible to get something specific in writing BEFORE you move out (if you do) outlining the time you will spend with your son?

unmitigatedbadassery

Are you on a lease or deed for the home you share? If so, she truly does not have the right or the grounds to throw you out.

After watching my boyfriend go through a horrible fight just to see his kids, my concern is your relationship with your son. Is it possible to get something specific in writing BEFORE you move out (if you do) outlining the time you will spend with your son?

My name isn't on anything. This is her house.

If it comes to that I will certainly have my visitation in writing.

Becoming_A_Butterfly

Make her believe you don't really care anymore. Don't be mean, just not as attentive and 'available'. She'll come around. We can be pretty nasty to our men when we don't feel threatened however if she thinks you have lost interest in her, she may want to talk about it. If that doesn't work, be just as mean to her as she is to you. Grow a pair and stand up to her. As long as you act like her whipping boy, she will treat you like one. One way or another, you have to do something since what you are currently doing isn't working. Again, just my suggestion... but I know that when my hubbs did it, it worked for us... for now anyway Good luck to you!

I really have to say, I don't believe playing games and "be as mean to her as she is to you" is a great policy when there is a child in your home, watching both of you. I don't pretend to have a magical fix, but two people being cruel sure doesn't seem like it will resolve anything. If talking to her, trying to see a counselor together, and respectfully trying to mend the relationship is not something she responds to, then maybe it is time to consider moving on. Just protect yourself and especially your son and your time with him first.

krist3ng

Coming in from a girl's perspective-- maybe you should try to initiate sex more frequently. I remember (cough tmi) with my ex a lot of our problems that led to me breaking up with him were because we weren't having enough sex for my needs, and I was tired of always initiating, and it made me feel unattractive. The lack of sex was due to fighting, the fighting was perpetuated due to lack of sex.

If you really love her, and want to make it work, why not try telling her she's beautiful and then (despite your lowered sex drive-- tough but you said you CAN have sex) do her. Aw yeah.

Seriously, after a good ****ing, it's pretty hard to be mad at someone.

Thanks, I tend to agree. I know I've never been pissed afterward. I just don't feel like she's receptive to any (while few) of the moves I make. I offered a shoulder rub last week specifically to initiate and I was shot down with quickness. At the risk of sounding less than manly, it really seems as though she doesn't want me around sometimes.

Hm. Do you really want to save this relationship? I grew up with divorced parents and it didn't hurt me at all. I saw my dad frequently.

unmitigatedbadassery

Coming in from a girl's perspective-- maybe you should try to initiate sex more frequently. I remember (cough tmi) with my ex a lot of our problems that led to me breaking up with him were because we weren't having enough sex for my needs, and I was tired of always initiating, and it made me feel unattractive. The lack of sex was due to fighting, the fighting was perpetuated due to lack of sex.

If you really love her, and want to make it work, why not try telling her she's beautiful and then (despite your lowered sex drive-- tough but you said you CAN have sex) do her. Aw yeah.

Seriously, after a good ****ing, it's pretty hard to be mad at someone.

Thanks, I tend to agree. I know I've never been pissed afterward. I just don't feel like she's receptive to any (while few) of the moves I make. I offered a shoulder rub last week specifically to initiate and I was shot down with quickness. At the risk of sounding less than manly, it really seems as though she doesn't want me around sometimes.

Hm. Do you really want to save this relationship? I grew up with divorced parents and it didn't hurt me at all. I saw my dad frequently.

I do want to save it, I wouldn't be asking for advice from strangers if it wasn't important. However, I don't want to just prolong the inevitable.

AubreysMommy30

Make her believe you don't really care anymore. Don't be mean, just not as attentive and 'available'. She'll come around. We can be pretty nasty to our men when we don't feel threatened however if she thinks you have lost interest in her, she may want to talk about it. If that doesn't work, be just as mean to her as she is to you. Grow a pair and stand up to her. As long as you act like her whipping boy, she will treat you like one. One way or another, you have to do something since what you are currently doing isn't working. Again, just my suggestion... but I know that when my hubbs did it, it worked for us... for now anyway Good luck to you!

I really have to say, I don't believe playing games and "be as mean to her as she is to you" is a great policy when there is a child in your home, watching both of you. I don't pretend to have a magical fix, but two people being cruel sure doesn't seem like it will resolve anything. If talking to her, trying to see a counselor together, and respectfully trying to mend the relationship is not something she responds to, then maybe it is time to consider moving on. Just protect yourself and especially your son and your time with him first.

It's not game playing. It's letting her see how her behavior and treatment of him is affecting him. In many cases, people dont want to talk it over. Many times its easier to just give up than figure it out. No one said anything about being cruel and when I said be mean, I didnt mean it that way. I misspoke. What I am saying is when talking doesnt work, its time for action. If he cant tell her how he feels and how she is making him feel, he can show her by being just as distant as she is. By no means should he be cruel to her, especially with a child being there; but he shouldnt be so available to her abuse as he has been. When she sees she hasn't anyone to kick around she may lighten up.

bademasi

Hi Aaron! You have lost an awesome amount of weight. I dont think you mentioned if she has weight issues or not. She may have her own feelings about her body and watching your body change might play on her mind.

You mentioned you had a stroke and your drive decreased. I understand this due to my own experiences. I had a brain surgery that afterwards my sex drive changed. I want it back the way it was but it is what it is. My husband gets frustrated not knowing what to do. I try to be cuddly and he thinks oh yes she is ready but I just want to cuddle. It is awkard sometimes. I do however continue to cuddle and tell him to be himself. Somedays we have a wonderful time together and some days not.

I have two daughters. They are older now. One is 17 and the other is 19 and in college but lives at home. I dont know if your in a home or apartment but she cant just throw you out. If your name is on the home or lease you have rights. I agree with somebody that said for you to back off from her and stop letting her control the situitation. So long as your not in a bad enviorment that is hostile with arguments...stay with your son. Sorry about you job loss. Apply for unemployment and focus on YOU! Get thru the holidays and keep putting in applications. This time of year is hard to get a job.

If she decides to go to talk to someone with you to work on your relationship that is great. If not, you go talk to someone yourself. WORK ON YOU! You being a strong person inside and out will make a good role model for your son.

Your 2012 is going to be better. HAVE THE FAITH! :happy:

Bonnie


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unmitigatedbadassery

Thanks Bonnie. 2012 has to be.

kenzietea

I suggest you both go to therapy together. If she refuses, go for yourself. Not only will it help you, it will show her you care enough to go to therapy. If you can't afford it since you mentioned your recent job loss (sorry man, that really sucks), there are centers that will charge based off of what you can afford, if you can't afford anything, you can get free therapy. Maybe you are doing something that you don't even realize you are doing. There are two sides to everything so therapy is probably your best option. I wouldn't take advice from anyone until they have heard what she has to say, because its impossible to see the full picture without her version.

Alacey88

As a woman I can say personally that physical intimacy is important .. not necessarily sex. Holding hands, snuggling, physical contact that says I care about you. I don't know if it is too late for your relationship or not, but whoever you are with, MOST (not all) women need physical intimacy to feel loved.

Try doing some kind of activity like a a homework assignment where you have someone watch your son while you and your girlfriend have an evening together. My boyfriend and I do this quite often where we give other assignments that we want from the other person. I usually request messages, candlelight dinners, and romance movie night. Some times I request an evening where we go and for a walk around the park or river and just talk.

Friend me if you want any ideas or need support

maddymama

Hi,
I am truly sorry you are in this situation. This sounds so frustrating.
I agree with pp, you need to focus on you. You can not change her in any way, and you can not force her to deal with stuff she isn't ready to deal with. You need to get yourself into counseling, get your son into counseling, and hope your girlfriend gets herself into counseling.
Also, go speak with a laywer NOW about parental rights- before you move out, before anything else happens. Get it in writing. Don't be mean to her, but protect yourself.
Good luck!

cmriverside

Thanks cmriverside - I'm willing to find a counselor. I don't think she would be willing to go though. My parents were divorced too and I hated that I didn't see my dad enough. I refuse to let my kid go through that.

That's great. If she won't go right now, you can go anyway. As Bonnie said, make yourself stronger. Often if one person changes, the whole relationship changes. You can only change YOU anyway, so work on that.

She probably doesn't have legal grounds to "throw you out". Even if your name isn't on the lease or any other documents, if you have been living there, she will need legal means to make you move. But you don't want to push it to that. Try to work this out. It sounds to me like you are just going through a very rough patch, and it may be fixable still.

Keep searching for work, treat her kindly. You don't have to bow to her tactics. You won't like how that makes you feel. Being a doormat and being harsh are two different things. Don't trade your beliefs for revenge. Not a good way to go.

I wish you well. I think you can make yourself feel better. Whether or not it means living with your son's mom.....that's anyone's guess.

Take care of the little one. That is your calling right now.

dlaplume2

I don't know how things were before your stroke, but have you talked to her about this? Maybe she is pushing away because she is afraid of getting too close again and you dying on her. I know it is a radom obscure thought, but maybe you could talk to her about it and see if counseling would help.

Best wishes to you.

SheRa1964

I just re-read my post and it sounds kind of mean. I'm sorry; I did not intend to sound mean. Just wanted to say so :happy:

I didn't think you sounded mean.

resolu

I haven't read all the posts, so sorry if some of this is redundant. I did notice someone said counseling, which is always good. I actually tried that with my ex. I wanted to be sure I was making the right decision before I ended my marriage. One thing I can certainly chime in on - your son. I've read from others that they were the child of divorce and how much they missed one parent. Well, I was NOT the child of divorce, and instead of missing a parent, I learned how to live in a situation where both parties are miserable and actually show all signs of hatred toward each other. Where the parents actually use the children for a sounding board for their misery in the marriage. I also learned how NOT to have a loving relationship, how to NOT trust, and how easy it is to cheat and belittle your partner - or on the flip side, how to be a dormat to keep peace regardless of the consequences. Is it a wonder I'm divorced? My point, simply, is that whether you split or stay together in a bad situation, you child will learn from it. All you can do is be there for him and love him and teach him that this is not about him.

Try to have a long conversation with your girlfriend, an honest one, no matter how much it hurts. If this is all about sex and you've changed since your stroke, as you said, consider bringing in some toys for her pleasure. But I would be surprised if this is all about sex - it rarely is. If you can't work it out, make certain you work out visitation. I'm sure she plans to work out child support when you get a new job.

By the way, I'm not trying to sound negative, I'm trying to make a point... whatever your decision, you can't live with guilt over it.

resolu

PS... I hope things work out for you, whatever that may be. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's never easy. But this will pass, and to be cliche.. if it doesn't kill you, it'll make you strong. :flowerforyou: