Need some emotional support pls re: my weight and my marriag

lovelabs25

Not sure if this is the appropriate forum for this, but I'm really feeling like crap right now and hopefully someone will understand. When we moved cross country this past year I had a broken ankle and gained 20 lbs. Coincidentally that's when I started snoring, according to my husband. So he started sleeping on the couch, and when we bought a house and furnished a guest room, he started sleeping there. We've been sleeping apart for so long that the kids even call the guest room "Daddy's room". He wasn't the most affectionate person even before this, but sleeping apart has sharply decreased our level of intimacy even more (physically and emotionally). I told him how it made me feel tonight.....told him that every time he goes straight for the guest room reminds me of the fact that I'm snoring because I'm FAT. Makes me feel even less wanted than I already did. My self esteem is at an all time low, I feel so lonely in my marriage, and my husband doesn't seem to get it or doesn't care. He's always enjoyed whatever bachelor type privledges he's had so he doesn't see what's wrong with our sleeping arrangement. If he wants sex, he'll come to the master bedroom, other wise he goes straight for the guest. room. How's that supposed to make a girl feel?

lovelabs25

wow. Page 3 and not a single reply. Thanks.

aaleigha1

I am going to message you

shortandfeisty

That sounds very difficult. I agree, how is a girl supposed to feel under those circumstances? Hopefully he pulls his head out of his butt and realizes that your feelings are important...

cppeace

sorry for how you're feeling hon. It is never easy but your husband sound like he's being a jerk.

FitnessElle

I'll send you a message shortly.

Pookylou

Aw love what a horrid situation, when you told him how much it bothered you did he sympathise with you at all. I m sorry you are feeling so alone in your relationship. Hopefully you being honest with him will instigate a change *hugs*

jhardenbergh

My suggestion is to get a referral for a psychologist. This sounds like a pretty serious issue from your explanation and I do not have the experience to offer you any good suggestions. What I do know though, is that it will probably make you feel better having a professional that can offer you suggestions and talk to cause it seems like your husband doesn't seem to be listening. Possibly see a couples councillor if you can convince him to go with you.

Apazman

So if you fix your snoring then he will come back to the bedroom? If so then fix the snoring, either with nasal strips or a CPAP Mask or see a snoring specialist.

If thats not the only reason, then perhaps a discussion on if he still wants to be married and why?

rosalee87

Wow, I'm sorry about that hun - I'm sure what you're going through is very difficult and I feel that he should be there to support you and stand by your side as you are trying to make these changes to get yourself back into that healthy state. I understand your situation though because my boyfriend was or is just as emotionally detached as your husband and he finally came around when he started to see my progress and I guess it finally clicked that I have become more appealing to other men and my new body has made me more outgoing. Talk to him, ask for his support but if he can't give that to you then you go out there and do this - we're here for motivation and support; feel free to add me.

yager8725

my husband never said it but i could tell the weight was a turn off for him. he still loved me but sex wise he wasnt turned on. i can tell yo that once you focus on yourself and start enjoying exercise(TAKES A FEW WEEK) he will see the difference. he may also be going through something and need extra support same as you. take it from someone who has been there exercise will make everything look different!

Nicola0000

Have you sat him down and told him how it makes you feel? Dont do it in an accusing way like "you're so mean making me feel like this!!! " but say how it makes you feel rather than blaming him. Then he may open up. Its always better to talk, I know from personal experience that I was so unhappy in my marriage due to how me was treating me, and now unfortunatly we are divorcing. I look back now and wish that I had sat him down to talk. Things may have been different....

brandimacleod

Wow! Tough situation. Moving makes a definite change to start with, new friends, etc. - why did you move? Was there job changes, etc? Plus, yeah, weight gain and snoring can be factors, but probably not everything. I agree with the therapy suggestion. Go for yourself and your self esteem issues. Go to deal with your feelings and needs. Because no matter what, you need to like yourself first. Hopefully, he will go with you, but if not, you really should still go and work on you and be the best YOU you can be. Good luck!

pelican37

WOW! This is a pretty intense situation that you have...I may not be the best person to provide you with any words of wisdom or advice but your post really made me feel for you in your situation. You are on MFP for a reason. You want to lose weight. Is this for you or because you think your husband will love you more? You have moved and you're in a new area...get out there and explore it. Meet new friends. Do things that make you happy (with or without your husband). And lose the weight because you want to, because you want to be healthier or happier or whatever YOUR reason is....not because your husband says you snore or says your unattractive. Doing things you like and losing the weight will help your confidence in your relationship. When you lose the weight (and I say when because you can do this if you put your mind to it), your husband may notice the weight lose and that you've stopped snoring and that you're doing more things that you want to....but then again, he may not. Which is why your motivation to do this can not be becasue of him. There is no crystal ball to tell you how this will turn out...you can hope for the best but you need to feel good about yourself before you can put time and effort into anything else. You can't change a person. People need to change themselves, they need to want to change...you can only do so much--so focus on what you can control...yourself. Don't run yourself ragged trying to please this man. I wish you the best of luck and I truly hope your situation improves.

2bFitNTrim

On one hand, I understand why he feels the need to sleep in another room. It's tough going through life exhausted. I know because my husband snored horribly too. I had to take to the spare room too for awhile til he got tested for sleep apnea. We now sleep together just fine since he has a CPAP machine.

Have you been tested for sleep apnea? If so, a CPAP machine may help get him back in the room with you.

The other hand: sounds like you guys have more to work on than just he doesn't sleep with you. Hard for us outsiders to know for sure because you say he wasn't all that affectionate to begin with. Does he say mean things about your weight? Or does he just not want to sleep with you b/c of your snoring? How does he treat you otherwise?

Again, hard for outsiders to know what to say. You say you've already tried telling him how you feel, but you feel like he doesn't care. Maybe a counselor can help? Good luck to you.

lovelabs25

Thank you everyone for the replies. I really really appreciate it. I agree we need counseling (have gone in the past) and I definitely need some counseling of my own. My husband has never been much of a talker, that's nothing new. This morning I woke to find him doing the dishes and cleaning the stove -- something he only does when he knows he's in trouble. He did say "Sorry" but that was it. I know he's not going to overnight turn into a different man, super affectionate and verbal. But I know he wasn't aware of the connection I was feeling between my snoring and weight gain and his timely move to the guest room. He still desires me, but I want him to be affectionate without the promise of sex. Oh, did I mention he got me "Breathe Easy" nasal strips for Valentine's Day? He thought he was being funny -- NOT.

I know all of us here are dealing with our own self esteem issues related to weight, that's why we're all here. I guess I just needed to hear someone empathize in how I felt like I was being smacked in my fat face every night when he went to sleep in the guest room.

Thank you all for replying!

epona_mus

Run, don't walk, to a family counselor or therapist. If your husband won't participate, go by yourself. This isn't about snoring or weight, it's about withdrawal of affection.

nurseygirl66

I was in a similar situation with a man (we weren't married at the time) and it really was the beginning of the end. I don't necessarily mean you should look at it that way, it's just the way it was for me. Aside from how he's acting (a selfish *kitten*) toward you, I suggest you get to the root of your feelings toward yourself and what you intend to do about it. My guess is when you treat yourself with the respect you deserve (again I've always been my own worst enemy), he'll either fall into line or make other arrangements. You must love yourself first, maybe he's just mimicking your own behavior. That doesn't make it ok, mind you. Pick yourself up, get yourself together and he'll have to figure it out for himself. And, lock to door to your room. If he doesn't want to be there with you, then you don't need him to come and go as HE pleases.

ninerbuff

I'll give you my opinion. I lived with someone for 3 years. The last 1 1/2 of the relationship I slept in a separate room because I wanted out of the relationship and used snoring as the excuse. As soon as the lease was up, we parted ways.
It may not be what you wanted to hear, but I feel if he wants out, you need to find out ASAP and make arrangements. Waiting till he makes a move can really be another blow you have to deal with along with what you're dealing with now. I hope all does turn out well and that it really is just the snoring that is the problem because that is fixable with a special mouth guard or mask. Good luck.

A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
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Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Teresa527

First off, I'm sorry that he is hurting your feelings. It can make it hard to work on yourself when you are dealing with other issues in your life or marriage.

After reading your post and then your update about him doing nice things for you I really don't think he is a bad guy. It just is what it is. He was having a rough time sleeping due to your snoring so he took another room. It hurts you, he understands that, but he's not willing to compromise his sleep.
Mean? Maybe. I personally don't think he is trying to be mean though.

I notice a couple of things. If he is not a big communicator it is very difficult for him to tell you how this is making him feel. My husband is not big on communication. I knew that when I married him, as you probably did as well when you were married. You accepted that part of him as it is who he is.
But, now that part of him is becoming a large problem because if he would have talked to you about how he was feeling instead of just assuming you knew you probably wouldn't be as hurt right now.
He's obviously not oblivious to your pain since he was trying to make it up to you this morning.

I really think you should look into yourself and figure out what is making you feel so bad. Is it that he is sleeping in the other room? If he moved back into your room and tossed and turned would that make you feel better? I suspect no.
What you need to do is work on making yourself happy. You cannot be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself.
You are obviously very unhappy about your weight. If he is not mentioning your weight verbally you cannot assume that he feels any specific way. Work on yourself and you will find a happier you and a happier marriage.

BobbyClerici

I was so fat that the throat blubber clogged while I slept, and I was forced to use a C PAP - total misery!

Sleep Apnea is real, and it can be deadly over time. Once I was on the C PAP, I was able to sleep well, then guess what?
I had more energy, and I started exercising, losing fat.

That was 2 years ago, and I am a new person - fit and feeling GREAT!

You can do this, but find the strength to break free. You are in the right place here on MFP.
As for your hubby, lose weight and ditch him for something better.

Good Luck!

PJilly

Thank you everyone for the replies. I really really appreciate it. I agree we need counseling (have gone in the past) and I definitely need some counseling of my own. My husband has never been much of a talker, that's nothing new. This morning I woke to find him doing the dishes and cleaning the stove -- something he only does when he knows he's in trouble. He did say "Sorry" but that was it. I know he's not going to overnight turn into a different man, super affectionate and verbal. But I know he wasn't aware of the connection I was feeling between my snoring and weight gain and his timely move to the guest room. He still desires me, but I want him to be affectionate without the promise of sex. Oh, did I mention he got me "Breathe Easy" nasal strips for Valentine's Day? He thought he was being funny -- NOT.

I know all of us here are dealing with our own self esteem issues related to weight, that's why we're all here. I guess I just needed to hear someone empathize in how I felt like I was being smacked in my fat face every night when he went to sleep in the guest room.

Thank you all for replying!

If he's never been much of a talker, he still desires you, and he bought you nasal strips, I think maybe — for him — the issue really is simply about the snoring and wanting to get some sleep. That doesn't take away from how the situation makes you feel, and I think that needs to be dealt with. I just don't necessarily think that he is responsible for the way you feel, although it would be great if he could be understanding and supportive. I think you have a least a couple of things that need to be addressed: the health concerns related to the weight and snoring, and the relationship concerns you have. Best of luck!

kmbrooks15

I was in a similar situation with my husband, except that there was no sex either. He slept on the couch EVERY night (unless we had overnight company--then he slept with me so we could keep up the pretense of having a good marriage!). Then, he proceeded to begin sexually abusing our 12-year-old daughter--Talk about a serious knock to the self-esteem (he'd rather have sex with a child than his own wife?!). So I TOTALLY get where you are coming from.

It sounds like there are more issues here than just the separate sleeping arrangements. I agree with everyone else...you need to go to counseling. I never suggested it to my husband because I knew he wouldn't go. But he was a minister, which meant a divorce would end his career. In hindsight, I wish I had told him we were going to counseling or I was leaving. I often wonder if I had done that before the abuse started, could it have been prevented? It took me a long time to work through the "what if?" scenarios and get rid of the guilt (I realize now it wasn't my fault and I could not have known that he would go that far).

My suggestion would be to sit down with your husband and tell him everything you feel. If it helps, write it out ahead of time and have him read it or read it to him, whichever you think would have the most impact. Try to avoid "you never..." statements. Instead, say, "when you do ____, I feel _____". This helps you not sound accusatory. Then, tell him you feel that you both should go to counseling, together and possibly separately. Tell him if he won't go, you're going on your own. At some point, though, if things don't change, you may find yourself in a situation where you need to separate yourself from him for a time. Don't threaten separation until you are prepared to follow through on it, though.

I wish you the best of luck. It's hard when you are in a marriage where you don't feel valued. Your weight should not matter; he vowed to love you in sickness and in health, etc. Yes, you should lose the weight so you feel better and are healthy, but whether you lose it or not should not affect his love for you. If it is, it's a problem you two need to work through. If he's not willing to do so, then you need to go to counseling by yourself to work through your options. I'm always in favor of trying to save a marriage, but there are times when it's not possible because one party isn't willing to do what's necessary to make it happen.

2bFitNTrim

First off, I'm sorry that he is hurting your feelings. It can make it hard to work on yourself when you are dealing with other issues in your life or marriage.

After reading your post and then your update about him doing nice things for you I really don't think he is a bad guy. It just is what it is. He was having a rough time sleeping due to your snoring so he took another room. It hurts you, he understands that, but he's not willing to compromise his sleep.
Mean? Maybe. I personally don't think he is trying to be mean though.

I notice a couple of things. If he is not a big communicator it is very difficult for him to tell you how this is making him feel. My husband is not big on communication. I knew that when I married him, as you probably did as well when you were married. You accepted that part of him as it is who he is.
But, now that part of him is becoming a large problem because if he would have talked to you about how he was feeling instead of just assuming you knew you probably wouldn't be as hurt right now.
He's obviously not oblivious to your pain since he was trying to make it up to you this morning.

I really think you should look into yourself and figure out what is making you feel so bad. Is it that he is sleeping in the other room? If he moved back into your room and tossed and turned would that make you feel better? I suspect no.
What you need to do is work on making yourself happy. You cannot be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself.
You are obviously very unhappy about your weight. If he is not mentioning your weight verbally you cannot assume that he feels any specific way. Work on yourself and you will find a happier you and a happier marriage.

Nice insight here. If my husband starts doing a lot of housework, that's the same as him saying "I'm sorry." :laugh:

Apazman

side question ...
If person A is in long term relationship but not married and the relationship starts unfold as this one did (person A's bf or gf sleeping in another room) People typically say "Oh they don't know what they are missing you should dump him and move on.

But if its the same situation and they are married and/or have kids, the suggestion is then turned to "Go to therapy" ?

I mean wouldn't the advice be the same for both, "Do you really want to be with someone who isn't 100% into you?"

TourThePast

Oh, did I mention he got me "Breathe Easy" nasal strips for Valentine's Day? He thought he was being funny -- NOT.

Well I'll give him 0/10 for tact, but remember this is a man we're talking about. No offence but many men don't think the same way as women reckon they "should". I think this gift shows that he does care about the situation, but that he hasn't the first idea how to go about starting to address the issues.

Thing is, all the things you've said in this thread, you really need to say to him.

If that doesn't work out, yes you need couples counselling.

If that doesn't work out, you may decide that it's not worth maintaining the relationship.

lovelabs25

Wow thank you all so much for the replies and PMs. I appreciate you all taking the time to offer support.

DH and I talked more today and it does sound like he honestly just needs good sleep. I told him how disconnected the separate bedrooms make me feel and that I'd be ok with it if he would show more affection during the course of the day, or take time to sit with me on the couch a bit before bed just to catch up. I recognized that I am definitely having some self esteem issues that I need to work on, and that any encouragement from him would be appreciated. I also acknowledged that he's been under a lot of stress with wanting to change jobs and said I'd try to be more supportive of what he's going through with that. I think he heard me. I plan to start going to some counseling on my own and upping my exercise for those endorphins. Whew, feel so much better getting that all out and getting some perspective from you all. THANK YOU!

PJilly

Wow thank you all so much for the replies and PMs. I appreciate you all taking the time to offer support.

DH and I talked more today and it does sound like he honestly just needs good sleep. I told him how disconnected the separate bedrooms make me feel and that I'd be ok with it if he would show more affection during the course of the day, or take time to sit with me on the couch a bit before bed just to catch up. I recognized that I am definitely having some self esteem issues that I need to work on, and that any encouragement from him would be appreciated. I also acknowledged that he's been under a lot of stress with wanting to change jobs and said I'd try to be more supportive of what he's going through with that. I think he heard me. I plan to start going to some counseling on my own and upping my exercise for those endorphins. Whew, feel so much better getting that all out and getting some perspective from you all. THANK YOU!

That is so awesome. I am sitting here with a goofy grin on my face, and I don't even know you. But this all sounds like really good stuff to me. Bravo to you for sitting down and talking with him about it. :flowerforyou:

smb0701

WOW!!!! i am sorry to hear that:( have u 2 tried counseling? i'm sure that was suggested in this forum. until then why don't u just focus more on getting your body back the you want it, he'll come around, and if not then that's another issue. But work on you!!!!! i stress that WORK ON YOU!!!!

RicSnyder

side question ...
If person A is in long term relationship but not married and the relationship starts unfold as this one did (person A's bf or gf sleeping in another room) People typically say "Oh they don't know what they are missing you should dump him and move on.

But if its the same situation and they are married and/or have kids, the suggestion is then turned to "Go to therapy" ?

I mean wouldn't the advice be the same for both, "Do you really want to be with someone who isn't 100% into you?"

Really? You have to ask this question? There is a difference between dating and marriage. It is sad that this would even need to be explained, but it is what has become of the institution in this society. Marriage is a vow, that is, a promise, to cling to another individual through all of life’s ups and downs. A promise that no matter what, that person can depend on you to be there, even if no one else is. It is a commitment, it is truly being “100% into” somebody, because it supersedes feelings. Feelings fluctuate; they are not consistent, whether for things or for people. The fact that you are over 18 and need this explained to you is troubling.

Apazman

side question ...
If person A is in long term relationship but not married and the relationship starts unfold as this one did (person A's bf or gf sleeping in another room) People typically say "Oh they don't know what they are missing you should dump him and move on.

But if its the same situation and they are married and/or have kids, the suggestion is then turned to "Go to therapy" ?

I mean wouldn't the advice be the same for both, "Do you really want to be with someone who isn't 100% into you?"

Really? You have to ask this question? There is a difference between dating and marriage. It is sad that this would even need to be explained, but it is what has become of the institution in this society. Marriage is a vow, that is, a promise, to cling to another individual through all of life’s ups and downs. A promise that no matter what, that person can depend on you to be there, even if no one else is. It is a commitment, it is truly being “100% into” somebody, because it supersedes feelings. Feelings fluctuate; they are not consistent, whether for things or for people. The fact that you are over 18 and need this explained to you is troubling.

What i find interesting is that if this were true, why do over half of marriages end in divorce, I mean if feelings are superseeded then why get a divorce? feelings flucuate? duh and or hello! its kind of my point. If someone's feelings have changed over the years, do you really want to stay with someone because they made a promise to you or ACTUALLY still love you. I know everything works out in a perfect world, but this world is hardly perfect. What I find troubling is the extent of how dense you are that not all relationships workout wether married or not. I was just curious as to why it matters if you made a vow or not, would stay with someone that doesn't want to stay with you.