Need some emotional support pls re: my weight and my marriag

applebobbrush

I agree with the need for counseling like a lot of others have suggested. I also would like to point out that I don't think it's hopeless. You said you woke up and he was cleaning and he only does that when he knows he's in trouble. If he didn't care about you or your feelings, he would do "stuff" to try and make up for it. He does care, he doesn't show it how you need it to be shown but he does care. If he didn't care at all you would see him doing nothing at all. I know this situation feels horrible for you right now, hang in there, get counseling and don't give up. Don't let this stop you. Keep communicating and tell him your feelings and when he can eek out an I'm sorry, tell him thank you I appreciate you listening to me. Even if the communication stops at that, tell him how much you appreciate every little thing.

RicSnyder

side question ...
If person A is in long term relationship but not married and the relationship starts unfold as this one did (person A's bf or gf sleeping in another room) People typically say "Oh they don't know what they are missing you should dump him and move on.

But if its the same situation and they are married and/or have kids, the suggestion is then turned to "Go to therapy" ?

I mean wouldn't the advice be the same for both, "Do you really want to be with someone who isn't 100% into you?"

Really? You have to ask this question? There is a difference between dating and marriage. It is sad that this would even need to be explained, but it is what has become of the institution in this society. Marriage is a vow, that is, a promise, to cling to another individual through all of life’s ups and downs. A promise that no matter what, that person can depend on you to be there, even if no one else is. It is a commitment, it is truly being “100% into” somebody, because it supersedes feelings. Feelings fluctuate; they are not consistent, whether for things or for people. The fact that you are over 18 and need this explained to you is troubling.

What i find interesting is that if this were true, why do over half of marriages end in divorce, I mean if feelings are superseeded then why get a divorce? feelings flucuate? duh and or hello! its kind of my point. If someone's feelings have changed over the years, do you really want to stay with someone because they made a promise to you or ACTUALLY still love you. I know everything works out in a perfect world, but this world is hardly perfect. What I find troubling is the extent of how dense you are that not all relationships workout wether married or not. I was just curious as to why it matters if you made a vow or not, would stay with someone that doesn't want to stay with you.

It matters because marriage, a vow, is different than dating, not a vow. Also, marriage is a civil union recognized by the law and in most cases a spiritual union as well. Dating is a couple of people getting together.

LuciaLongIsland

I know this is a bit off topic and I hope you don't mind. Ever since I have gained this weight, not only do I look undesirable, my self esteem is suffering. I do NOT want my BF to see me and have cut off all intimacy. This has gone on for years. Also, all desire is gone. Perhaps it is my age, but I think it is my poor self imagine. Has anyone else found this?

jjolson70

I'm going to take the other side for a minute. I'm the fat@ss in my house, and I chose 15 years ago to sleep in a different room than my husband. I wasn't fat then, but I digress. I absolutely hate sleeping with another person. He snored all the time and thrashed around. I hogged the bed. It got tiresome. Now we have four bedrooms, one for each kid and one for each of us. It's heaven. We still do the thang once in awhile (sorry, but that seems to be an issue for some), but no less than if we were sharing a bed. We both get our "alone" time as well.
Now, if he's being rude or calling you fat or telling you your weight is the reason he won't sleep with you, then I understand completely how you feel. But there could be a number of unrelated reasons he is sleeping in another room.