Divorced before 30

rockabillymama

My husband and I have been talking about divorce alot. I'm not really sure how i feel about it, but I know there are some social stigmas that come along with it. Anyone else gotten divorced before 30yrs old, and faced certain sterotypes?

rikorb

Yes I'm now 28 and have been divorced (well actually just separated coz neither of us have bothered doing the formal divorcing yet) for nearly 2 years. So I was 26. We had been together for 8 years and I was 6mths pregnant with our second child when he decided he couldn't stay in the relationship, I was willing to work on it.
It has been quite hard, and especially being pregnant and now having young kids and still being young, people just assume you are still with the father and I feel like an idiot saying we are separated.
I went to my high school reunion recently and it was kinda hard then as most of them have either just recently got married or are getting married, I was the only one divorced. An old school friend even asked if my kids had the same father!!!

I hope your doing ok, it is a very hard thing to go through a divorce, even if it's a mutual decision.
You can add me as a friend and message me if you want

mzkynd

While I wasn't divorced before there ( in my early 30's instead) I know what you mean. My first husband and I, were together 10 years, 2 kids, didn't get married until late ( a band-aid that didn't work) were separated before our 1st anniversary and divorced before our 2nd. At the time it was one of "definitely not enjoying this" experiences in life. Now, years later, happily remarried ( for the right reasons this time!) I wouldn't change a thing. However divorce is a very personal experience and everyone feels about it differently.
I do think that sadly it is becoming more common. News article on yahoo thats gist was "starter Marriages" as in "starter Homes" kinda starter, and how it was becoming more common, really had my brain confuddled.
Anyhoo morning caffeinated ramble aside. ((((hugs)))) and I hope whatever happens you are happy.


*edited to add : re:certain stereotypes. most definitely , I got the car and my clothes, he got the house and friends. even family wouldn't talk to me for years over it. not so much out in the world. but to those in our world if that makes sense. ( there was definite judgment)

BobbyClerici

My husband and I have been talking about divorce alot. I'm not really sure how i feel about it, but I know there are some social stigmas that come along with it. Anyone else gotten divorced before 30yrs old, and faced certain sterotypes?

By divorcing you join the majority. Worry NOT!

I am totally against it unless there is cheating or abuse, but you folks must decide.
Any kids? If so, that's a game changer.
If not, go for it, get fit and watch the guys flock.

Pinkmaddycat

i was divorced by 25.....the person who seemed bothered about any stigma was me...i never received any, if anything more respect for doing what felt right and not trying to save our marriage with a baby or drag it on longer than needed, if its mutual even better! its not easy but its worth it....esp when you get to meet someone else special and realise that getting divorced was just a chapter in your life like getting married in the first place.

good luck whatever you chose

PepeGreggerton

I just turned 29 and I am divorced. It has been14 months of complete hell, the hardest thing in the world I've ever had to do. Hurt my children more than I could have ever imagined. Yet, despite all of that I have yet to miss her or the life I was living. It was literally killing me.

If there are kids involved just make sure there is no love left, and that it is an absolute last resort. I am not for divorce, but I am not an advocate of staying for the kids. My parents did that and I wished as a child they would divorce because I knew they were unhappy and whether they realized it or not they took it out on me and now they regret it.

SeaSiren1

Divorced before 30 here, didn't like it. I would recomment fireproof / the love dare if you feel there is a chance to save your marriage.

pupcamper

26 after 5.5 years! But small minded gossips don't just talk about divorce - it will be short lived and you'll cope! It isn't easy to end any relationship good or bad but in most cases the important thing is you are doing the right thing for you in the medium to long term, you learn from your mistakes and move onl!

McBody

I got married when I was 21 (he was 26) and my divorce was finalized right after I turned 23. I ended up leaving him right after my son was born because I got sick of the verbal/ emotional abuse and he finally turned it physical (it was only a matter of time...) so I packed up my stuff and left. I skipped out on telling people I was divorced and preferred to play it off that I was a single mom- he didn't pay child support anyway. I am now remarried and living 3,000 miles away from anyone who knew I was previously married. My husband is also a young divorcee- his ex wife cheated on him with three different guys in 8 weeks while he was out of town- their marriage only lasted 9 weeks though and he won't admit to anyone that he was married before (I only found out because my brother did a background check on him when we started dating.)

I think divorce happens way too often now, and that people don't take marriage seriously. Best of luck to you and your husband- if counseling is an option, please go If not, some books that were recommended to us in our first year of marriage (the current one) that have taught us how to fight fair and respect each other all the time: The Five Love Languages; 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families; and Boundaries.

rml_16

I think the best thing to do is counseling and do everything you can to save the marriage. But if nothing works, then you both deserve happiness and it's OK to end things.

I do think a lot of people give up way too easily. It's quite normal to fall in and out of love with each other over a long period of time, but honoring a committment is important, too. There are a lot of things to think about and the WHY is most important.

My best friend was married at 18 and divorced by 21. She hasn't seemed to have had any issues because of it. I don't know what country you're in, and if you're in the US, which area, but generally, most people don't blink when they find out someone's divorced these days -- at least in the US.

stephevers1227

I was divorced right at 30. Like someone else said...one of the toughest things I've ever been through. Over 10 years later, I wish he had participated more in the counseling...said he loved me, said he wanted things to be better...but he didn't. I went into counseling feeling that it was over and he did nothing to change that feeling. He had to plan a date...and took me to see The Exorcist. Who wants to see that...especially as a "I want my wife back" date? We get along really well now and are both remarried. My current husband, honestly, is the love of my life so I have no regrets. If there is any sliver of love or hope...pursue it so you are always sure.

andiechick

I was married at 23 then divorced by 26 after being separated for a year. He was a complete *kitten* who cheated on me and left me with a boat load of debt and was stressing me out making my life hell, so to me the 'stigma' of being the first in my family to get divorced was well worth the freedom of being rid of him. Married hubby no2 at 28 and we just renewed our vows this June for our 10th anniversary, so there was a happy ending eventually!!

jpowell3976

I was married at 18 & divorced by 23 with 2 children under the age of 4. To say I was scared would be an understatement, but I knew it was for the best. I loved him with all my heart, but he loved his alcohol more. Working in the medical field, I dealt with abused women often and felt like a hypocrite when I spoke to them about their options. I also removed myself and looked in to my relationship...that really helped. Also, kinda funny now, I reminded myself that I love chocolate but chocolate makes me fat...he was kinda the same way...lol. I am now happily remarried & have been so for almost 8 years. Fear not! If it is for the best, no one will think any less of you.

Malani2010

I was divorced at 27 from a 6 year marriage due to mental and physical abuse. I met my now husband in '08 and we have been happily together (3 years) /married (2 years) and 2 beautiful babies!!!

Malani2010

I was married at 23 then divorced by 26 after being separated for a year. He was a complete *kitten* who cheated on me and left me with a boat load of debt and was stressing me out making my life hell, so to me the 'stigma' of being the first in my family to get divorced was well worth the freedom of being rid of him. Married hubby no2 at 28 and we just renewed our vows this June for our 10th anniversary, so there was a happy ending eventually!!

I'm still dealing with some of the financial stuff from my first marriage. It sucks because my credit has suffered for it and there is nothing I can do.

MarybethAltizer

I was divorced at 27 after ten years of a non loving marriage, and my now husband was divorced at 22, I think, anyway both before we were 30.

I had kids involved, he didn't. My children love my husband now, though and he playes a very important role in their lives. He is a very involved stepfather and loves them very much.

As far as sterotypes go, we really haven't had to deal with that much outside of the church. My hubby is a preacher, and sometimes he can't preach in certain churches that are totally against divorce. I wish that was different because I can tell it hurts him.

Temporalia

I got divorced from my ex at 30 because of mental abuse. From my side of the story, people were happy for me and were hoping I would open my eyes sooner. From his side of the story, his parents were upset about what he did to me, the rest think I was cheating on him. I stayed single for a while after separating, the last thing I wanted was someone to deal with.

mzkynd

I was married at 23 then divorced by 26 after being separated for a year. He was a complete *kitten* who cheated on me and left me with a boat load of debt and was stressing me out making my life hell, so to me the 'stigma' of being the first in my family to get divorced was well worth the freedom of being rid of him. Married hubby no2 at 28 and we just renewed our vows this June for our 10th anniversary, so there was a happy ending eventually!!

I'm still dealing with some of the financial stuff from my first marriage. It sucks because my credit has suffered for it and there is nothing I can do.

I feel you on this, financially I am not even holding my head up, but I just keep trying to get caught up. Everytime I get a notice saying my credit score has moved a notch, I feel like having a party :P

KimmieBrie

I was older than you when I got divorced. My X husband became a complete alcoholic, and was not initially when we were married, unless he hid it well. I had told him repeatedly from day 1- I have 0 tolerance for any type of addiction like alcoholism, drugs, or gambling. Went through that before him with an ex-boyfriend... never again. There was no saving it for me. We had no children so there was only us to consider. Divorcing him was one of the best things I ever did for myself.

I never look at divorced people differently. If you are staying around strictly because of the "stigma" you may have after - that's not a good reason. I quickly checked your profile and you have under motivation:

"I want my husband to fall in love with me all over again everyday"

If that still holds true I would try to fix it if possible instead of worrying about what other people think....

chell53

Well I am not divorced myself nor have I ever been (37 years together), however our daughter is going through this very thing. She has known the man since high school they seperated since then and many years later pick back up again. Married 3 years ago they have no children together ( she does have a daughter from someone else ) and he never did a thing for my daughter or grand daughter. Half the time he would call out of work, she is working two jobs and he would just stay home. Not evev clean or cook.....he never came picked up our grand daughter after school to take her home or to the activities she had to do either my husband or I would take her. Our daughter would pick her up after she finished work at 8 p.m. She told him to leave months ago and filed the paper work and luckily he sighned them with no problem.

She is lot more happier, her daughter is happy....the stress is gone and I can see a difference in her attitude which is great.

If there is any chance that both of you can work things out then please do, if not any fun going through a divorce you will have to make up your own mind and really sit down and talk things out....wishing you luck

erin_zuk

I am currently in a relationship with a man who is going through a divorce (I met him long after they separated) and he is only 26. He also has a 3 year old son - they got married when she got pregnant when they were both 22.

He still has not yet met my family although they know that I am involved with someone, I feel I would rather wait to introduce him until things are more 'concrete'. I am somewhat worried about introducing him to my family with the associated stigma of being 'divorced' not to mention having a child!

chell53

I was older than you when I got divorced. My X husband became a complete alcoholic, and was not initially when we were married, unless he hid it well. I had told him repeatedly from day 1- I have 0 tolerance for any type of addiction like alcoholism, drugs, or gambling. Went through that before him with an ex-boyfriend... never again. There was no saving it for me. We had no children so there was only us to consider. Divorcing him was one of the best things I ever did for myself.

I never look at divorced people differently. If you are staying around strictly because of the "stigma" you may have after - that's not a good reason. I quickly checked your profile and you have under motivation:

"I want my husband to fall in love with me all over again everyday"

If that still holds true I would try to fix it if possible instead of worrying about what other people think....

this is true.....you don't worry about what others think.....it is YOU who has to be happy, hopefully you are getting healthy for yourself not just for your husband??? You will make the right decision as I told my daughter follow your heart and weigh your odds.....

Momma2fourunder5

My parents were divorced when I was 10, therefore I can't stand divorce! If there is cheating involved then that is a valid reason, however if you feel like you just don't love each other any more I don't think that is a valid reason. Love is a decision and that is why you vow for better or worse.
I think most people think that after the divorce you will never have to see the ex or deal with them in your life again, but that is definitely not th case, especially if there are kids. And (from personal experience) if there are kids involved there is normally just as much arguing after the divorce between exes as before....so how about deciding to make it work and trying to remember why you fell in love to begin with? I agree with a previous poster about the FIreproof moive - that was awesome!!

sailingsal

i was married at 23, had a child at 25 and was separated at 26, divorced at 28. It was tough and my son didn't find it particularly hard at the time as he was 20months but is finding it tough as he's older and his dad got remarried this year. It can be tough to adjust to and move on, but if the relationship is really bad then you end up in a situation that its the only option!

auticus

I was 26 when I got divorced. My wife had a string of affairs, to include with being with friends of mine. She left me christmas 2003 for a lawyer friend of mine.

2004 was hell. I don't really even remember it. I finished my degree that year and other then that stayed inside and had zero contact with the outside world.

It happens. There aren't any real stereotypes that I can think of that you should worry yourself with. The only thing I will say to avoid is hopping into a relationship right out of the gate.

rileamoyer

Separated from 10 year relationship at 29, divorce wasn't final for a year. However, the stigma of being divorced is nothing like it was in the 40s, 50s and early 60s. It was a trauma that I got through and came out the other side stronger and happier! It was worth the pain.

BassBoneBabe

Divorced before 30 here, didn't like it. I would recomment fireproof / the love dare if you feel there is a chance to save your marriage.

I would add on Gary Chapman's "The 5 Love Languages" as well.

kacylaine

My fiance is 28...We've been together for 4 years, and he's divorced. He got a divorce at 23, married at 19. He'll tell you that it was the hardest situation he was ever in, but he wouldn't change it for the world, because in his marriage he got his little girl, and after his marriage he got me. I wouldn't have changed it either, because his ex wife gave me the two greatest gifts of my life, my fiance and my step daughter. Divorce is an awful thing to have to go through, but there is life and hope and happiness on the other side! And screw anyone who wants to judge!!!!

jenilla1

I just wish people would do it BEFORE they have kids... I've known several people in crappy marriages who tried to fix it by having kids. Bad idea...

Hambone23

36 now, but I was separated by 29. 10 years together. It was as amiable as anyone could want since we didn't have kids or a home at that point -- we'd sold it to move the year before. We didn't do the legal work and actual divorce until last year or the year before, I think. I couldn't tell you why. He avoided it. I couldn't afford submitting the paperwork. I simply went on with my life. A year later, I started another relationship and am currently living with someone who is far more emotionally available and less neglectful.

The grief I got most was from my parents. My mother told me I'd regret the decision all my life and didn't call me for 6 months. I was also hard on myself for being a "failure." There are days I do regret it and days I don't. I have days I miss him and days I don't even think about him. Relationships are difficult. No one really understands the dynamics of anyone else's marriage, so it's very narrow-minded to judge. But I'd have to say that the majority of people I meet are surprised when they hear I've already been married and divorced. I'm not sure what's going on in their head when they hear that, they've always been too tactful to say anything. But... -shrug-

Here's the thing, though. Someone else in this thread pointed out your motivation. I totally get that. I wanted my husband to be in love with me, to show me he loved me. (Because he'd been more attentive and affectionate before we married.) Instead, I felt neglected and unseen. He was emotionally unavailable and unaffectionate. I tried so many different ways to make myself more appealing to my husband, thinking it was my fault he didn't love me more. It doesn't work like that, unfortunately. People are who they are, and sometimes, you simply can't change that. If it makes you unhappy, then you have to make the choice. And that's immensely hard. It was one of the hardest choices I ever made -- because I did like him as a person, I even loved him, but we felt like roommates, not husband and wife.

I'll tell you that one of the things I hate the most about being divorced is filling out documents. Are you single, married, divorced, separated? Um, I'm not divorced -- like that's some sign they hang around your neck -- I'm single. I mean, wtf? Our very society seems to stigmatize it if you ask me.

Poohsta0

Divorced before 30 here, didn't like it. I would recomment fireproof / the love dare if you feel there is a chance to save your marriage.

Both great resources to really think about getting things fixed.