seperation anxiety?
lucysposaro
Posts: 132 Member
Me and my partner have been together for about 5 years now we live together and have always been around eachother 24/7 due to him finding it hard to find work.Just yesturday he got a call saying he starts work today which was a sudden shock.He works from 3pm till 10pm so yeah i feel high anxiety being appart from him even though its small hours and also i need to look after the kids on top of it all to be hinest i have never ever been with the kids alone for longer then 2 hours because my partner is always with me and there driving me crazy because they never listen to me.How can i over come this its really over wehelmng and i need to make major changes next yr because my oldest is starting school next yr and the other is starting prep etc,
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Replies
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sorry im not here expecting rude answers thats not the full story and im with my kids 247 just not alone....because my partner is always with me....does not make me a bad mother...0
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I imagine it's kind of like the separation anxiety you get the first day of school. You miss the comfort of the every-day habit of the way things were, but after a week or so you get used to it and realize that it's not so big of a deal. That the new routine is fun, even. (I can imagine that once your kids start school you'll actually be relieved to get a bit of quality alone time!)
And also, like the famous quote says, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" & I think it's true.0 -
I don't have kids but I have seen Supernanny on the TV, so I suggest you break your day down and establish a daily routine.
XX.00am get up
XX.30am get kids up
XX.00am get kids dressed
etc
If you add structure to your day you will feel better and your kids will feel better. They'll bug you less and you'll enjoy your time with them more as well.
It's a big change, but I'm sure both you and your partner will benefit from him having a job.
Good luck.0 -
Me and my partner have been together for about 5 years now we live together and have always been around eachother 24/7 due to him finding it hard to find work.Just yesturday he got a call saying he starts work today which was a sudden shock.He works from 3pm till 10pm so yeah i feel high anxiety being appart from him even though its small hours and also i need to look after the kids on top of it all to be hinest i have never ever been with the kids alone for longer then 2 hours because my partner is always with me and there driving me crazy because they never listen to me.How can i over come this its really over wehelmng and i need to make major changes next yr because my oldest is starting school next yr and the other is starting prep etc,
re dealing with the kids, Supernanny is good, I use the supernanny naughty corner/step/whatever technique with mine, once you feel in control you won't feel so anxious about it. Kids will do what you say when they know that you're the boss, and they will also feel safer and behave better, so win-win all round
btw if you've tried this technique before and it hasn't worked, don't give up, but there is a right way and a wrong way to do it, which I why I recommend reading the book. Also it's vital that you're consistent as it doesn't work right away, but when the kids can see that you're serious and you will stick with it, they will respond to it and start listening to you and behaving better. Also your partner needs to use the same techniques with them, for consistency, otherwise the kids end up listening to one parent (the stricter one) and not the other.
re anxiety - if this is just a temporary thing while you adjust to a new situation, and the anxiety goes away after a week or so when you're settled in a new routine, don't worry about it too much, just try to focus on positive things. However if your life is being ruled by anxiety, e.g. you don't do things you should do or would really (deep down) like to do because of it, then counselling/therapy really helps. (and I'm not saying that to be mean or anything like that, bcause I have anxiety problems due to PTSD but I've done therapy and I don't let the anxiety rule my life, and no-one else should feel that anxiety is something that is going to rule their life because it can be overcome)0 -
I'm going to have to agree with the others, it's part of life, and surely you knew that a time would come when he would get a job and you'd be alone for a few hours?
How about when your partner goes to work you take the kids to the park, spend some quality time alone with them without being stuck in the house. If it's nice weather where you live you can take some food with you and make it like a picnic, or just do something that gets you out and about, enjoying yourselves as a family
Or you could enrol them in some extra curricular activity that they're interested in, go along and watch them throughout. I'm sure those places don't mind parents watching, and when they've got into a routine of going there you have time to do your own thing, and new interesting things to talk about when they've finished. Kids seem to love talking about all the things they've got up to at school/clubs etc when you're not there. You could create a bond with them that you never had before, and if it's a physical activity like swimming or dance or football/soccar they might be too tired afterwards to run around driving you crazy.
When they start school, that's when you can really focus on yourself and the things that you like to do. You say you've always been with them. What did you used to do before you met your partner and had kids? Do you have many friends near where you live that you can go out with, or you could sign up for classes in something you've always wanted to do, learn a new skill and you might even get a career for yourself out of it if that's what you want to do in the future. You could also join a gym? We're pretty much all here for the same reasons, to get fit and healthy, you may even make some new friends that have the same sort of goals as you
Good luck in finding something 0 -
don't be so mean to OP!
I think I understand how you feel. It's something new, and difficult. You're used to being a constant team, and now you find yourself alone.
This is going to be a wonderful opportunity for you, though. You can get quality 'mom time' with your kids, and maybe develop personally outside of your relationship. Besides, your hubby being employed is probably gonna help finances, eh?
Your kids are probably being sassy because they're used to the entire parental unit; maybe you haven't been the disciplinarian much (maybe your husband has been) but this is your chance to show those kids your mettle!! 0 -
don't be so mean to OP!
I think I understand how you feel. It's something new, and difficult. You're used to being a constant team, and now you find yourself alone.
This is going to be a wonderful opportunity for you, though. You can get quality 'mom time' with your kids, and maybe develop personally outside of your relationship. Besides, your hubby being employed is probably gonna help finances, eh?
Your kids are probably being sassy because they're used to the entire parental unit; maybe you haven't been the disciplinarian much (maybe your husband has been) but this is your chance to show those kids your mettle!!
This!0 -
I am a licensed mental health therapist. Sounds like you have an anxiety disorder. The good news is it is VERY TREATABLE. Don't freak out, reach out for help to a therapist or your local mental health center. PS people who have never experienced clinical anxiety have a really hard time understanding it . It is an ILLNESS you cannot will it away. Good luck to you.0
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Like the woman said above this is a good opportunity to bond with the kids. They'll try to test you, but stand firm and you'll do just fine. The mother instinct that every mother has will kick in and before you know it you'll be used to it.0
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Wow, how rude can some be?
Like the woman said above this is a good opportunity to bond with the kids. They'll try to test you, but stand firm and you'll do just fine. The mother instinct that every mother has will kick in and before you know it you'll be used to it.
Agreed!!0 -
Routine. Kids are creatures of habit. Establish a routine from day one, and stick with it every day.0
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Separation anxiety is something experienced by small children when they are away from their parents. I have a difficult time understanding a grown adult having these feelings toward another grown adult when they are only gone a few hours.
I am a mother to three kids, and although I love and trust my husband completely, no one can take care of my kids like I can. You really need to examine the root cause of these feelings. In my opinion, you should cherish the time you have alone with your kids. It's an opportunity for them to get to know their mother for herself, not part of a "parental unit".
Good luck :flowerforyou:0 -
Sounds like a blessing!
Crash course on independence commencing in 3...2...0 -
A change of routine, isn't always the easiest thing to adapt to .. but eventually, you do. Be patient. It's a huge change for all of you .. Him, You AND the kids.
Just a bit of friendly advise:
You have to do what EVERY co-habitating family does when faced with change .. find your niche on a different level. You are the primary care giver and leader of this pack, now .. so there are a few things you have to do to get things to run smoothly again. 1st and foremost ... gain control.
If the kids don't 'listen' .. take a deep breath, and "get their attention" to make them listen. It is not just important THAT you teach and mentor them .. but WHAT you teach and mentor them. If you enable them to disrespect your authority, you teach them that it's ok to disrespect ALL authority .. Teachers, Police, Employers, etc. Do what you have to to get through...for EVERYONE's sake. It all starts with opening up comunication .. It's time to have the discussion about everyone's roll in keeping the peace in your household.
Life is a journey .. change happens constantly. With each change we adapt and grow. They are still young and teaching them patience, respect, and that YOU are the boss is a life skill .. Do not cheat them out of learning the skills that they will make a difference on how they adapt and grow the rest of their lives.
Best of luck!0 -
If my mom never spent more than two hours alone with me in my entire life, I wouldn't listen to her either.0
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As a internet therapist, really the best thing you can do is will your anxiety away.0
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I am a licensed mental health therapist. Sounds like you have an anxiety disorder. The good news is it is VERY TREATABLE. Don't freak out, reach out for help to a therapist or your local mental health center. PS people who have never experienced clinical anxiety have a really hard time understanding it . It is an ILLNESS you cannot will it away. Good luck to you.
Just quoting this post because there's a lack of understanding from some people in their replies. I especially agree with the bit about how people who haven't experienced clinical anxiety don't understand it. Those of you who haven't experienced it, I sincerely hope you never do, but do please try to undertand that it's not something you can just turn off in your head with a flick of a switch, and "suck it up/deal with it" is not remotely helpful advice. It's like telling someone with pneumonia to suck it up and go to work. Better advice would be "see a doctor". Even if she doesn't have an anxiety disorder, maybe a little more understanding would help her to deal with her situation better all the same, i.e. help her to have confidence in herself. There are real people behind these IDs, they're not computer generated messages.0 -
I am a licensed mental health therapist. Sounds like you have an anxiety disorder. The good news is it is VERY TREATABLE. Don't freak out, reach out for help to a therapist or your local mental health center. PS people who have never experienced clinical anxiety have a really hard time understanding it . It is an ILLNESS you cannot will it away. Good luck to you.
Just quoting this post because there's a lack of understanding from some people in their replies. I especially agree with the bit about how people who haven't experienced clinical anxiety don't understand it. Those of you who haven't experienced it, I sincerely hope you never do, but do please try to undertand that it's not something you can just turn off in your head with a flick of a switch, and "suck it up/deal with it" is not remotely helpful advice. It's like telling someone with pneumonia to suck it up and go to work. Better advice would be "see a doctor". Even if she doesn't have an anxiety disorder, maybe a little more understanding would help her to deal with her situation better all the same, i.e. help her to have confidence in herself. There are real people behind these IDs, they're not computer generated messages.
Its refreshing to know some people dont have thier heads up thier *kitten*.0 -
I had a pretty hard time dealing with my husband being deployed to Iraq. After that, a 10, 11, or 12 hour work day doesn't seem so bad.0
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You have been together 24/7 for FIVE YEARS? Good gravy, if that were me I'd be shoving my husband out the door - grateful that he's finally joined the working class.0
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Welcome to real life.
The wife and I welcome the occasional breaks, whether a few hours or a few days when one of us is traveling. It's healthy for a couple.0 -
You have been together 24/7 for FIVE YEARS? Good gravy, if that were me I'd be shoving my husband out the door - grateful that he's finally joined the working class.
I think I would have killed mine or sent him to the curb after 24/7 for five years. Yikes! I don't want to be around anyone that long. It isn't that I don't love my family, but goodness, where is time for you if there is always someone with you?0 -
Um I havent seen my man in 11 months. Hunny you'll be fine.0
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Thank to those who were nice about this poist and to others no its not a jaoke and yes i know its part of life and you pretty much dont get what im saying when i say i havent bene alone with my kids its not like i could tell my partner to go away for 2 weeks so its jst me and the kids? When i say that i mean im with 24/7 im always with them just me and mhy partner do things together all the time now he suddenly works i dont get why this is such a bad issue and why im getting looked as a joke or as a bad parent? Yes i have a abnxiety issue i have post traumtic stress disorder and i have a anxiety disorder....Not everyone is perfect i love my kids to bits and ill do anything for them i never once have them others to look after them only kinder during the day for 3 days and thats it otherwise i would rather be with my kids so to those who dont understand and think im a bad parent because i dont spend sperate time with my kids think about my sistuation and what i actually mean not just read i have never spent time alone with my kids?....0
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we live together and always have for 5 years he helps me with alot of things i have a learnign disablity some things i can do alone some things i cant wiothout help.I live my dad also but we live on a attached house kinda thing but he also works....i dont really get sick of being around him becausde hes always been my company i dont have actual real freinds and i dont go out as free time like i said above im always with him and my kids....thats jyst me im a family person....and these other people here are getting me wrong and makin me look bad when im not i just came here for help not other things.....0
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Welcome to the deep end of the pool. You'll be fine. 0
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So how do you guys make any money?? I'm sorry that you're having a hard time, but this is just such an unusual situation for your age and lifestyle. I remember feeling this way back when my fiance (at the time boyfriend) got his first job when I was 15. Couldn't imagine feeling that way now though, and we don't have any kids. It might be hard, but you NEED to work on having a life outside of him. Being around each other literally 24/7 is not healthy, for reasons just like what you are going through now. Good luck.sorry im not here expecting rude answers thats not the full story and im with my kids 247 just not alone....because my partner is always with me....does not make me a bad mother...0 -
I wish you the best of luck. My advice to you, get yourself a support system of friends who can be there for you if things get too stressful.0
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To the OP congrats on your guy finding work!! You'll find a way to fill the hours while he's working, trust me. There never seem to be enough hours in the day! With your kids, they must be used to you being the nice one and your guy being the strict one. Your just going to have to be stricter with them. If they misbehave, and you threaten to punish them, you'll have to follow through so they know you mean buisness. 0
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In all seriousness, I do believe you need to seek some treatment for you anxiety issues and work on establishing a solid routine for you and your kids to abide by. If you are this distressed about being away from your partner and alone with your kids for a few hours a day, that is not healthy at all. It's not good for your kids either to see you like that.0
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