The "right" age / time to have kids?!?

racheljoanne

okay, so ive been thinking about this a lot lately..
Im 21, my boyfriend is 24. He wants to have kids and i do as well but i keep putting it off and finding negative things to think about it.
We both have stable jobs, im a nursery nurse, he works for his dads business. We arent rich but we have enough money and we live in a one bedroomed flat. We dont have a lifestyle that would be 'destroyed' by having children, in other words we dont go out partying 24/7 etc.
So whats stopping me?!

I think i feel that I'm being pressured too much, as his parents have been saying for 4 years "when are you two going to have kids??" etc.
also i worry about telling other people... my family and work collegues etc. i feel that people might not be pleased for me and they might think this is the "wrong time" for us to have children.

so, anyways, im just having a rant here to get this off my chest, and also wondering what do other people think about the right time to have children? is there one? if so WHEN IS IT?? Please tell me!! haha!

X

fteale

When you have done the things you want to do for yourself. You probably won't ever feel mature enough to have children (until you do), but when it gets to the point where you have done all the selfish stuff and you feel "what more is there in life?", that's where children come in. They are the purpose you are looking for. I had my first at 28, and I felt that was about right. I was very immature before then, even though I was married and owned my own house at 22, I wasn't grown up enough to be responsible for a baby. At 28 I was young enough not to die of tired (just) but old enough to have done everything I had wanted to and not have any regrets.

itsuki

Whenever you want to. IMO 21 is pretty young, but that's just me. If you're feeling pressured, then you probably aren't ready yet! Just because you are able to support a child, doesn't mean you should have one right away.

Other things to take into consideration are how long you and your BF have been dating (do you think this is going to be a long-term relationship, that will last the life of the child?) Can you afford moving to a bigger space? Could you afford it if you ended up with twins, or triplets? Are you or your BF able to quit your job to take care of the child, or are you able to afford 8 hours a day of child care so you can keep your job? How much money do you have in savings? You may think you make enough money to take care of a child, but what if one or both of you lose your jobs, or ends up with expensive medical bills? Or your car breaks down and you need to buy a new one? Or you need to move to a bigger apartment (which can be really expensive!). Do you have enough money saved to deal with an emergency?

I think you'll know when the time is right because you won't have to question if the time is right.

Galletakek

if you are having second thoughts.. its safe to say you are not ready : /

rossi02

Well.. I didn't have my first til I was 30. My husband and I started dating when I was 25 and we lived it up and had fun, we got married when I was 28 and we started trying right at our first year wedding anniversary. It's great, don't me wrong, in fact we loved it so much we had another a couple of years later. This is one thing I wouldn't rush into.. because once they are here, that time of just the two of you being able to do whatever, whenever you want.. it's gone. For me, no way in the world would I have considered kids when I was 21. I wanted and needed to be selfish for a while. What does your boyfriend think about it? Also, do you want to marry before having kids? Not making it a debate about if you should or shouldn't.. but it something to factor into the decision. Has your boyfriend been talking about having kids??

macpatti

His parents have been pressuring you to have kids since you were 17? Wow. If negative thoughts come to mind at the thought of having a baby, you're not ready.

racheljoanne

i know im not ready im just confused as to why im not ready!! how do you know when you're ready though? thats the question thats puzzling me.

ah well i guess its one of those things... you know when you know... il just have to wait and see haha!

dmpizza

21 is young. You still have what are known as the "the salad days" ahead of you.(carefree adult fun)
Don't wait too long. Some people take years to conceive.
What you should do is make some financial sacrifices now to help later. Pay off loans, get a small house that you can afford even when you take off to raise the kids etc.....

rossi02

ah well i guess its one of those things... you know when you know... il just have to wait and see haha!

It just something that evolves over time. When you both sit down and start talking to each other, regardless of outsider's opinions, about when is the right time for you two.

monroe61

I have two kids and I'm still not sure I'm ready!! LOL

If you have to ask the question to yourself then you probably aren't ready.
But I will tell you if you try to tell yourself we will when

1. We buy a house
2. Make more money
3. Pay off all our debt...etc

You will never have a baby!! LOL...if it happens then you always find some way to make it work you just end up spending less money on stupid crap you didn't realize before you had to buy formula or diapers...and so on.

ljd0693

21 is too young.

meli_medina

i know im not ready im just confused as to why im not ready!! how do you know when you're ready though? thats the question thats puzzling me.

ah well i guess its one of those things... you know when you know... il just have to wait and see haha!

To be honest, you're never ready until you are actually a parent. I thought I was ready for kids at 24, and then I had my first at 25. I was excited up until the last month or so and then I was SCARED ****less. What if I screwed up my kid? What if I was a bad parent? What if, what if, what if! And then he was born, and I still didn't feel ready, but I had to be at least try, even though I had no clue what I was doing.

Sometimes it's better to not try to analyze. You can think you're ready, but you never are until you're in the thick of it. Some days I still don't even think I'm ready to be a parent, and I have a 7-year-old now! LOL!

deadstarsunburn

Personally I think having kids without getting married is very dangerous. Having children tends to pull people apart rather than make the relationship stronger because it's so stressful. Besides 21 is young life your life =] sounds like you're very smart and understand this, he'll understand if you're not ready!

kardowling

Wanted to have my first by 30 that was always my plan because I knew that I wanted 3 kids. There is never a "best" time, but you will know. When you get that feeling that there is room in your life for more. Do something big for yourself first. I trained for and ran my first marathon before I got pregnant. Trust me, you will know and it won't be from other peoples well intentioned comments

bjohs

We had our first child when I was 32. Our second came when I was 40. Although you will NEVER be ready for a baby, waiting until we were older made a world of difference. Our jobs were more stable, we owned a home and felt we were more responsible. I don't know if we would have been able to provide for them the way we do now had we started our family earlier. Everyone is different. You will know when you are ready. You'll feel it.

engineman312

when you are ready, you won't have to post on an internet forum to figure out if you are ready.

engineman312

when you are ready, you won't have to post on an internet forum to figure out if you are ready.

Arabian♥Breeze

20s is the best to have a child. Your more fertile at this age. As you age it will get harder to get pregnant for most people. and you get to the older eggs and more likely of birth defects. But if your not emotionally ready then give yourself as much time as you need.

Take care

ahinescapron

You will know when you are ready. It sounds like you would be having a baby to make other people happy and that is a bad reason to have one now. I was 27 when I had my first baby and that was right for me. I just knew I was ready then to be a mom. Please don't let someone else pressure you into have a baby. If you aren't ready, you just need to be honest with your boyfriend and ask him not to pressure you about it. His family should not be a consideration in the decision and they should not be pressuring you to have a baby, especially from the age of 17.

lizgreenhill

is the guy your with the one that you will always want to be with? do you guys talk about marriage?? I only ask because i know how difficult it is for a child to grow up having 2 parents living together and then one day they arent together any more. I know that alot of people have made it thru divorce without screwing up a child but some children take divorce/break ups between parents pretty hard and it can traumatize them. 21 is pretty young i had my son right after i turned 19 and i really wish i would have waited just a little longer. Most people know when they are ready. I for one absolutely was not . Its just something that you will know. I for one would not have a child just because his parents are pressuring you. Do it when YOU guys are ready it doesnt matter what any one else wants. Good luck to you guys:happy:

fteale

i know im not ready im just confused as to why im not ready!! how do you know when you're ready though? thats the question thats puzzling me.

ah well i guess its one of those things... you know when you know... il just have to wait and see haha!

You aren't ready because you are little older than a child yourself! At 21 I still lived with my parents, I wasn't in the slightest bit ready to have my own baby.

I wouldn't even think about it for another 4 years. Just focus on yourself.

Improvised

I disagree that 21 is too young. I had my first at that age, and it was perfect. I was/am young and strong, and my body can handle the stress very well. Not so sure I will be that stong when I'm in my 30's or 40's (who knows?), so now seems to be the right time for me. I was ready emotionally too.

debussyschild

I'm 24, almost 25, and my husband is 28, nearing 29. We are SOOOOO happy that we don't have kids yet. Fortunately, we don't get a lot of pressure from our families to have kids, which is nice. Everyone in my family is in favor of us waiting, since most of them had their children early. They all wish they'd waited! We have our personal reasons for waiting, but mostly it's because there are things we want to do that will be much easier to do before children. Another thing is money and careers. I just got a job in my field (music education) and I want to be able to make advances in my career and get myself into a more stable position before I have my first child.

Children are wonderful and I would LOVE to have one now, but while my natural instincts are screaming "have a kid, now!" my own personal instincts are saying "what's the rush?!" It's up to you and your husband and only YOU TWO will know when the right time to have kids will be. Mom and dad can WAIT to become gramma and grandpa just a little while longer if that's what you want.

Edit to add: It's important to acknowledge, in the wake of all this discussion, then, the importance of birth control. If you're not planning on having kids, use it!!!!!! But also be aware, it is not fool proof. As long as you and your husband are having sex, there is a possibility for you to become pregnant. That's a risk you'll have to run and a reality you need to be ready for... Accident--but loved!!--babies happen ALL THE TIME, even when using birth control in the manner directed.

TheCats_Meow

I had my first child when I was 21 and I *thought* I was ready then, too.

However much I love my now two children to this day, I can 100% look back and say I was NOT ready for a child at 21 regardless of how ready I thought I was. For me, personally, anything under 25 is viewed as too young. Again, this is my personal opinion.

I seriously advise all my younger friends to wait until they're at least 25+ before the kid discussion even begins. There's nothing wrong with going against the grain and waiting until you're older, both physically, emotionally and mentally, to have children. In fact, I think it would benefit everyone involved if people waited until they were older. I know I sure would've benefited had I waited until my late 20's at the earliest.

You're young still. You've got plenty of life left to live. I'm on the downhill slope to 30 and I still have a lot more living left to do!

Take your financial security and see all those places you want to see, do the things you want to do because when you do have kids, the availability of doing all those things decreases dramatically. Date night with your s/o becomes a rare occurence, not an all the time thing, going out by yourself just because you want to goes out the window, too. There are so many other factors you have to consider when you have kids.

I'm not saying kids are a burden, they're not. They're a joy, but so is being in your 20's, being stable and being able to do what you want.

Live YOUR life before you try to raise another human being.

Good luck, sweetie! :flowerforyou:

LuckyLeprechaun

Keep waiting. At 21, your "real" adulthood has just barely gotten started. You have more than a decade left before you need to even start to worry about procreation challenges, you are going to learn SO much about yourself and your boyfriend (don't you want him to be your husband before he's somone's father?) in the coming years. Just wait, and enjoy sleeping through the night and spending your income on yourself. Then when you think you're going to give in to the external pressure, wait two more years.


Patti said exactly what I was thinking....someone has been pressuring you since you were 17!!?@$#>!&@! That person should back off.

Having a kid is not something to do because someone else wants you to. They won't be the one parenting that child, you will. It should be something you do because you really want to, not something to do because of external pressure.

fteale

Personally I think having kids without getting married is very dangerous. Having children tends to pull people apart rather than make the relationship stronger because it's so stressful. Besides 21 is young life your life =] sounds like you're very smart and understand this, he'll understand if you're not ready!

And this. You can't even begin to guess at the strain a baby puts on your relationship. It is absolutely make or break.

PecanTanDiva

if you are having second thoughts.. its safe to say you are not ready : /

I agree....Also there is not a set time / right age to have children... (I had my twins at 21 and my husband was 30 at the time)

jacquelyn_erika

when you are ready, you won't have to post on an internet forum to figure out if you are ready.

this

kenyonsmom10

No one is every "ready" in all aspects of life to have a child. As long as you feel that you will be able to provide for your child(ren) and give them the love they need, then it is the right time. There is no set age or time in life that is BEST.... If your lifestyle can accomodate a child and you know you can love and support them, why not? I became pregnant at 22 years old and I have the best 2 year old ever We were no where near ready, nor did we want a child at the time, but it happened! It has been the biggest blessing in our lives.

goldfinger88

Having never had kids, I'm probably the last person to reply to this. But I will anyway. Physically the time to have them is when you're young, strong and healthy. But you also want to have them when you can afford at least the basics to raise them such as medical care, food, clothing. It's a big decision and one that you both should think over. What's more, it's unlikely your boy friend or husband will be there for the long haul. You've got to face reality. That will leave you to deal with the raising of the kids. So, the onus is on you long term.

Truth is, there's no right time to have kids -- just a better time. But I think that before 30 is certainly the best time if all else in is some semblance of order. You don't want to wait too long and be old when your kids are young. At least, I don't think that's smart or good for the kids. They deserve young, strong, financially stable parents.

Sd0510

21 is not too young at all, but it is when you are ready. I had my son when I was 18, but my fiance and I decided we were both ready for one, and it's been great! We were never the kind to go out and party, so we was ready to settle down already, and it was right FOR US. On the other hand, there may be people that do not want to settle down and have kids until they are 30 or older, because they are just not ready for it.
It comes down to you and your boyfriend. If you both think you are honestly ready, then go for it. There is nothing holding you back. If one of you isn't ready, then wait until you are ready. Don't make the baby a regret if you aren't ready.