The "right" age / time to have kids?!?

sjtreely

21 is too young.

I'm glad my mom didn't think 21 was too young. She had four children in 6 years and started at 19. I wouldn't have my some of my siblings. Yes, it was a different time, but to put an exact age on when the perfect time for having a baby is hard for me to swallow.

The perfect time is when it happens. It's when you and your husband feel it's right. For me, the right time was when I was 28. For my daughter, the right time was when she was 22. At 22 my daughter is making out to be a wonderful mother. She knows right from wrong. She knows good from bad. She will pass on her wisdom, love, and care to her daughter.

My thoughts on your question is ... if you're asking, maybe now isn't the right time. But as a PP wrote, if you're waiting until the perfect time, it just won't happen.

Phoenix1401

21 is waaay to young! wait till you're 25 or 26! @ 25 I want to get maried and @ 26 I want to have my first child

MikeInAZ

2 sides of the coin. If you have a kid at 22, they will be out of the house when you are say 45...That's not bad, you get to have an adult life for awhile before retirement. However, you are young now and you can do a lot of living before you get bogged down with a mortgage, jobs, kids, car payments, day care, money worries, etc..

I had my first kid at 31 and the second at 33. I didn't take advantage of my younger, free-er self. I didn't travel, I didn't go out or do crazy things. . Instead, I played house (yes, I moved in with my girlfriend -now wife), got a dog, had a full time job, bought a house and basically went from a college kid to an adult in 1 year. I never did any of those things a 20 something year old should do. I'm now almost 40 and look back with some regret.

I say, wait until you're about 28-30 and live it up right now. You're barely legal enough to drink. Go out, travel, go to Europe, go to some concerts, stay out late, eat at a nice restaurant. Because when the kids come, you can kiss all those things good bye!

- Mike

kmbrooks15

There is no "right" age...it's going to be different for everyone. My sister had her first at 22 (she got pregnant about a month after her wedding!); I know others who have waiting until well into their 30s.

I think you will KNOW when the time is right. I agree with others who have said you should definitely be married...kids need the stability of knowing mom and dad are committed to each other. You need to make sure you both are on the same page as to the timing. And it's just something you'll feel in your gut. If you have any hesitation, then wait a year and reexamine it at that time.

Improvised

when you are ready, you won't have to post on an internet forum to figure out if you are ready.

this

Too true.

debussyschild

if you are having second thoughts.. its safe to say you are not ready : /

^^^ Agreed. There are some women who know they want to have children early. My mother was one of them. She had my brother at 17 and me at 20. She claims it was the best decision for her, but only she can know that. If you have doubts, there is absolutely no harm in waiting.

TheRoadDog

There is no right age. Just right circumstances. When you are financially able, mature and intelligent enough to raise a child, go for it.

MB_Positif

Warning...I am not trying to be holier than thou, as I did not wait to have sex until I was married, haha...but...if you are having sex than you are saying you are ready, because there is never a 100% chance that whatever birth control you are using is going to keep you from getting pregnant. That said, I was 27 when I became pregnant with my first and only son...was I ready? Hell no. But when I had him, I was. He's going to be 6 in April...he rocks!

racheljoanne

Thanks for the comments everyone
i know my bf and i will be together for a long time, were a good match and we have talked about marriage and having kids a lot, im thinking about it TOO much at the minute i guess
im not trying to figure out if i'm ready, because i know im not, i guess im just asking for other peoples stories and opinions so thanks to everyone who has given a useful comment!

soccer8s

I think 21 is way too young...live a little, go out, get all the "kid" out of you....do stuff...

I had my first at 29 and I think it was awesome...could have been a couple years sooner, but I think it was good.

If you "plan" it, you are never going to be ready...but wait a few years....get a bigger place, do your research about daycare or one of you quitting your job or doing just a part time job....

Aviendha_RJ

I wouldn't even THINK of having kids with a man unless I had the same last name that he does. Wouldn't happen here. That's it, that's all as far as I'm concerned.

I'm going to be 29 years old in a couple days, & I STILL don't feel ready to be a Mom. I'm waiting for my ring, & the man I'm with knows I want kids (someday)... but he's in no rush either at age 33.

My advice to you:

Do you know anyone with kids? Would they let you watch them for a couple of days/nights, just to try it out? It's a BIG decision on a lifestyle change, & if you're ready, looking after someone else's kids for a weekend will tell you. If you go INSANE, & can't handle it & end up in tears? You'll know it's not the right time for you. If you have fun, & really like having them around regardless of the Lego/Cheerios/Raisins mess on your clean floor, & you can giggle at the water all over the bathroom floor at bath time because they had so much fun splashing around, & if the crayon etched into your kitchen table doesn't bug you.... you're good. You're ready. Go ahead.

Me? I was pulling my hair out at Cheerios.

CharityEaton

You are never "ready" and the time is never "right" it just happens! Parenting is a learning experience the entire time! You learn from your mistakes, you learn from your kids, you learn from other parents etc...

I was ready long before my husband so I took the plunge and told him it was time. He was not at all ready but he got there in time...he is an awesome dad!

Also, age is only a number...who cares about that! I like the fact that I will be a young parent...I have more energy to keep up with my kids BUT young parents often have more stress and less patience.

I was 23 when my oldest was born had a miscarriage the year before at 22. I was 27( had turned 27 2 months before she was born) when my youngest was born. I have 3 girls so 3 kids in 4 short years..no biggie! The last one was a huge surprise and we found out we were pregnant again before the middle one had even turned 1 year old! Life changed a bit with that but we survived and wouldn't change any of it!
If you keep waiting until you are totally ready it will never happen! You are never ready for the challenges, joys, pain, and mysteries of parenting! You just do your best and end up being surprised by the amazing things you will accomplish and endure..plus who can resist the sweet smell of a newborn baby with all those tiny little fingers and toes?

rileamoyer

There is an old saying, if you wait till you are ready, you will never have any. Main things in my book. -Committed, loving, stable relationship. -Ability to support a child (e.g. feed, clothe etc). -Some time spent in discovering yourself/living on your own, for some it is getting the partying out of the way, other's its their schooling, and others it traveling. If you have those going for you, the rest is all a big learning curve to enjoy the journey of life with the ones you helped create!

CaptainGordo

You only seem concerned about how the baby will affect your life, and are not taking into consideration creating the best circumstances for the child.

:noway:

debussyschild

i know im not ready im just confused as to why im not ready!! how do you know when you're ready though? thats the question thats puzzling me.

ah well i guess its one of those things... you know when you know... il just have to wait and see haha!

I think you're struggling with the fact that it's OKAY to NOT be ready, lol. You do not HAVE to want children right now. There is nothing in our current society that says you must have children before a certain age, yadda yadda yadda. A long time ago, it was commonplace to have children early, like in your late teens/ early twenties. Nowadays, women have children at all different ages and points in their life. It's safe to say that there is no culturally standardized "right time" to be ready for children. It's a personal choice and it's all YOURS to make. Don't let anyone bully you into having children if you don't want them just yet.

fteale

Warning...I am not trying to be holier than thou, as I did not wait to have sex until I was married, haha...but...if you are having sex than you are saying you are ready, because there is never a 100% chance that whatever birth control you are using is going to keep you from getting pregnant. That said, I was 27 when I became pregnant with my first and only son...was I ready? Hell no. But when I had him, I was. He's going to be 6 in April...he rocks!

I agree there is a certain truth in that, but having a baby accidentally is different to making a conscious decision to. If you get pregnant accidentally, well, you just have to suck it up and live with it, even if it's not ideal, but the OP seems to be talking about when is the ideal age.

wildhehr2

Had my first at 25, after 3 years of marriage. My son was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect, and I quit my job to care for him. He's a healthy 7 year old now, with a younger brother (also with a heart defect) and a younger sister, but that first year was BEYOND stressful. However, I think we had him at the right time... We were both done with our degrees, we could afford for me to stop working (made a lot of sacrifices, though), and our relationship was at a point where we could discuss the hard stuff...

Personally, 21 is too young in my opinion. Although you can't really prepare for a worse case scenario, if you can come up with a plan, that'll help. Try volunteering to baby sit a friends child (under age 3 would be great) for a week or so....or for a few hours after work each night for a couple weeks....for free....

EmpressOfJudgment

You don't even know yourself yet when you are 21. I'm glad I've waited to have kids. I've had so many amazing experiences that I wouldn't have been able to if I'd had kids early.

koylefam

There is no "right "time.... I see many people say 21 is tooo young.. I am 30 and have 4 kids.... I woulnd't trade them for the world. Yes, it is hard sometimes. But what is right for one is not right for another. it is between you and your partner. You don't need a forum to find out. sit down together and talk about it. make a list of pros and cons. decide TOGETHER if you are ready. because if you both aren't feeling ready,it's only goin g to cause problems...

debussyschild

You only seem concerned about how the baby will affect your life, and are not taking into consideration creating the best circumstances for the child.

:noway:

In all fairness, being concerned for how a baby will affect your life is a good concern to have. If you're too concerned that a baby will affect you negatively if you were to have one now and make the decision to postpone pregnancy, then having that concern proves beneficial to both you and said potential baby.

Sublimely_Self_Righteousreused

Don't do it. You're not ready.

CharityEaton

I wouldn't even THINK of having kids with a man unless I had the same last name that he does. Wouldn't happen here. That's it, that's all as far as I'm concerned.

I'm going to be 29 years old in a couple days, & I STILL don't feel ready to be a Mom. I'm waiting for my ring, & the man I'm with knows I want kids (someday)... but he's in no rush either at age 33.

My advice to you:

Do you know anyone with kids? Would they let you watch them for a couple of days/nights, just to try it out? It's a BIG decision on a lifestyle change, & if you're ready, looking after someone else's kids for a weekend will tell you. If you go INSANE, & can't handle it & end up in tears? You'll know it's not the right time for you. If you have fun, & really like having them around regardless of the Lego/Cheerios/Raisins mess on your clean floor, & you can giggle at the water all over the bathroom floor at bath time because they had so much fun splashing around, & if the crayon etched into your kitchen table doesn't bug you.... you're good. You're ready. Go ahead.

Me? I was pulling my hair out at Cheerios.

Don't kid yourself here though! I was totally ready but my kids still drive me insane from time to time! I have NOTHING in my home that does not in some way have the markings of children on it! Other people's kids are not a fair judgement of how your OWN children are going to act either! People raise their kids totally different. There are days that no matter how they are raised they still go absolutely bonkers for no reason at all and there are days you have to stop and stare at them in awe because you have NEVER seen your children behave so nicely! Just like everything in life...some days ar bad....and some days are VERY, VERY bad.....and every now and then you get a good day!

zml_mom

if you wait until the "right" time or "right" age or until you are more financially stable than you will never have kids.
you learn to adjust your life and the lifestyle you had once you have kids
with that being said

I personally think 21 is too young for several reasons
1) I had my first kid at 25 and second at 26 and I thank god I didn't get pregnant with my ex husband at 21 because there was so much more growing up for me to do
2) my cousin has 2 kids and she just turned 24 and she can barely handle it, I don't think she is mature enough for it (that does not apply to every one just her in this case)


do not let anyone make you feel pressured, it is ultimately yours and your BF choice on when to have kids
not sure why your worried about your work and friends,

ninerbuff

The right age is when you are ready to accept the total responsibility of it.

A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

fteale

You only seem concerned about how the baby will affect your life, and are not taking into consideration creating the best circumstances for the child.

:noway:

In all fairness, being concerned for how a baby will affect your life is a good concern to have. If you're too concerned that a baby will affect you negatively if you were to have one now and make the decision to postpone pregnancy, then having that concern proves beneficial to both you and said potential baby.

I agree. That is the thing you need to be looking at before a baby is even conceived - How being a good print will affect your life. Obviously you do whatever is best for the children, it's how doing that will affect your life that is what you have to consider. Once a baby is there it will always come first. It's Mummy who comes last from then on.

raige123

When you have done the things you want to do for yourself. You probably won't ever feel mature enough to have children (until you do), but when it gets to the point where you have done all the selfish stuff and you feel "what more is there in life?", that's where children come in. They are the purpose you are looking for. I had my first at 28, and I felt that was about right. I was very immature before then, even though I was married and owned my own house at 22, I wasn't grown up enough to be responsible for a baby. At 28 I was young enough not to die of tired (just) but old enough to have done everything I had wanted to and not have any regrets.

I like this answer! I had my son at 27 ... pregnant at 26! I knew I didn't want to wait too much later and although I knew I would be in a single parent situation, the time was right for me. I had done all of my selfishness (drinking/partying) and wanted a greater purpose! It's over said I know, but a baby is a lot of work, and it takes all of your time so do what you guys want to do while you can, and when you are ready for "something more", you'll know. Don't have a baby because you feel pressured. That will only cause rensentment!

tjpinch

There's no such thing as "the right time", "right age" or "ready". It's on a sliding scale; you can be more or less ready. I was 23 when I got married, and had my first at 26. I would have had kids right away if I could, but unfortunately that wasn't in the cards for us.

When it feels right, do it.

For what it's worth, we did the traditional get married, establish careers, buy house, have kids order, but by no means do I think that's the only way of doing things. It just worked out that way for us.

melizerd

I think 21 is pretty young too, you have a LOT of time to decide to have kids. I believe that there's never a PERFECT TIME but there are really good times to have a child.

I was married for 5 years when we had our first (and only) child. I was 24 and I think even that was a little young for us (my husband is 6 years older than I am).

When I knew it was time to start trying I just KNEW it in my heart that NOW was the time to try for a child, much different from the "should we, shouldn't we" convos that came before. So I just believe that there comes a point when you know that NOW is the time.

I love having an only child (who's now 5) and there will be no more children in our future by choice (permanent decisions made already) and I feel it gives us the best of both worlds, having a child and still having a small family to spend time and money and the ease of going places and doing things with just one child.

I'm now a nursing student and school is tough with a child but doable too. I got to stay home with him when he was a baby and really enjoyed it.

And while I was married very young and love that I'm another one that would NOT consider having a child until we'd been married several years, there just is a difference between being boyfriend/girlfriend and married. I realize a lot of marriages don't last forever but it's more likely to last than a boy/girlfriend (even long term) because being married just feels different IMO. And marriage can be any type of "lifetime commitment ceremony" for me too, but something that tells the world that you're together permanently.

u2fergus

His parents have been pressuring you to have kids since you were 17? Wow.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who can't get past this statement. His parents might be nice and all, but expecting you to pop out a grandchild for them when you're 17 years old is beyond absurd. I would not consult them for advice, because it doesn't sound like they are thinking this through AT ALL.

racheljoanne

Thanks everyone.
For everyone saying i should babysit, i work in a nursery looking after 2year olds everyday, and i think this just makes it harder for me, i love the kids i look after at work and i guess it makes me broody lol.

its so interesting to see everyones stories, i think its different for everyone and theres so many things to consider. il wait a while then assess the situation again