Advice For a New Mother-In-Law
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Do not offer unsolicited advice and do not interfer with their lives. Yhink of all the things your mother and mother in-law did that drove you and your significant other crazy.0
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In the beginning my mother in law was a complete monster!!! So dont call him a tramp, gold digger, wish that he'd go away. And please, please, please dont try to break up their marriage. Be the type of mother in law you wish you had.
p.s. the relationship between me and my mil is good now. I mean really....it could only go up from there right?0 -
Think about what you disliked when you became the daughter in law, use that as a guide. If you wouldn't like it, they probably won't either. I don't have son in laws only a daughter in law, I treat her with respect and support her all the way, even when she is not a happy camper with my son. I try to stay out of their lives and only visit them when I am invited, I think it's important for them to have their own lives without a third party always around. that's it!
Wish I had a mil like this.0 -
It's as simple as the golden rule....treat your kids like you would like to have been treated by your parent in-laws.0
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Love your SIL and all his faults, warts, etc....lol for no other reason than your dot chose him,
Never let her put him down in your presense, don't listen to it.(because you will rarely hear how they made up) Only give her good advice.
Only visit when they are expecting you.
Embrace your new family member!
I have not had contact with my MIL for years. My husband reminded her too much of her ex, she would not acknowlege the abusive things she did to him growing up now matter how forgiving he was, she would not forgive us for eloping, she totally excluded me and my family from many get-togethers, Never once has she called my boys for their birthday or any holiday/occasion. They have to be taken to her house to receive any acknowledgement. ie. son has bday in july, gets gift in Dec only if they go to see her for Xmas. Hubs has bday in Jan and may get card on Easter if they visit her, otherwise maybe 4th of July
I ditched her forever when she made dreadful comments about my mother who was dying of untreatable cancer at the time.0 -
I plan on not giving advice unless it is requested. I will also try very hard not to judge their joint decisions especially on child rearing. ie, What do you mean you aren't going to breastfeed my grandchild?! lol. I will try to be supportive and a friend and remember that they had a completely different family and upbringing.
This sounds good
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First of all, congrats on becoming a mother in law!!! That's fantastic!
I personally don't have complaints about my soon to be mother in law. I love her to so much!!! The only thing I wish she would follow through is a couple simple house rules I have in my home.
That sounds kinda rude of me to say...but I have two big playful Rottweiler dogs and they have boundaries and are not allowed in the kitchen for obvious reasons...knocking me while I am holding something hot....dog hair in food etc.....and well....unfortunately those boundaries seem to go out the door when she is here....and its a revolving door. Although I continue to redirect the dogs out of the kitchen she welcomes them in right after.
I don't know....I think that is a reasonable rule....dogs are like kids...they need consistency. Otherwise things become a constant issue and struggle especially because we are trying to have kids...my dogs need to know their boundaries.
I know one day I will be asking the same question as you are now!!! I'm sure you will be great! 0 -
I must admit one thing that is annoying is when my mother in law just shows up. And I know half of the time it is not her fault because my husband fails to tell me she is even coming over. I hate it the most when I slave all day cooking dinner for my husband and two kids and not even 5 minutes after we sit down to eat she comes knocking on the door and just sits there. Its awkward and I feel as though I should rush to eat so she is not just sitting there.
That is the only thing my mother in law does other then that she is fine.
But sister in law, oh that is a whole new story
. lol 0 -
My best advice could easily come from me or my husband with regard to in-laws: Don't be jealous! My parents and his parents both live close to us. When one side feels like the other is getting more of our time or more quality time, they make little irritating comments about it. My mom gets especially upset about it, but we cannot be expected to perfectly and equally budget all of our time.0
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Think about what you disliked when you became the daughter in law, use that as a guide. If you wouldn't like it, they probably won't either. I don't have son in laws only a daughter in law, I treat her with respect and support her all the way, even when she is not a happy camper with my son. I try to stay out of their lives and only visit them when I am invited, I think it's important for them to have their own lives without a third party always around. that's it!
^^^THIS!
Oh, and hopefully this is common sense, but when it comes to kids, relax. It's not your decision whether or not they have any, how they have them, or how many they have. It's also not your decision how to raise them. Unless you daughter and son-in-law are abusing their kids, it's not your place to step in and/or say anything. My in-laws have been pretty good about keeping their nose out of how we raise our son, but unfortunately I can't say the same about how/when we conceive again. Our son is not even a year old, and at Thanksgiving they were already asking me when we're having another and telling me how my car is the perfect size for four or five kids. All I could say was, "I'm 31, not 21, and I have a 10-month-old. If I wanted to have that many kids, at this stage of life I'd pretty much need to be pregnant again already - and I'm not." They are also well aware of how tight money is right now, which is probably the biggest reason we were child-free for the first four years of our marriage, so unless they plan on paying for college, they definitely have no say in the matter.
/rant
As a grandmother, you get to be the grandmother, which is its own brand of fun. Enjoy that role for what it is!
Just by your asking this question, though, I imagine you'll be a good MIL :happy:0 -
Don't show up at their house unanncounced/uninvited
YES!! and if you do, don't ***** because the laundry isn't done.
Don't contradict every f*cking thing that you say
Don't belittle somebody because they are poor, thus not of your standards
Please don't go to their house and start randomly cleaning stuff
I can't think of anything else to put here, but if you couldn't tell, I don't like mine very well... <----understatement.0 -
My best advice could easily come from me or my husband with regard to in-laws: Don't be jealous! My parents and his parents both live close to us. When one side feels like the other is getting more of our time or more quality time, they make little irritating comments about it. My mom gets especially upset about it, but we cannot be expected to perfectly and equally budget all of our time.
YES!!! My parents live far away, but since my sister and one of my brothers live close (I can walk to their houses within three or four minutes) with their families, my parents fly down every 2-3 months for a weekend. However because it usually only ends up being one full day plus a morning after flights and whatnot are taken into account, and because there are so many grandkids (7), they don't get to spend a lot of time with just our son. We're talking an hour, maybe two, tops, of one-on-one time with him per visit. My in-laws, who live 3.5-4 hours away, complain that my parents get to see him more than they do because my parents are here for an entire weekend. They don't understand that their monthly, daylong visits far exceed the time my parents spend with him. Even when my husband explains this for the umpteenth time, they continue nagging him about when my parents were last here and for how long, as well as when and for how long their next visit will be. I swear, they're keeping tabs on who is spending more time with him.0 -
I love my mother in law. So much so that I wouldn't care if she lived with us. She did back in 2004 for a few months when my DW was pregnant and had to stay home during the last 6 months of pregnancy and I was still working full time.So my daughter is getting married and I will become a mother-in-law in about 4 months. I dont want to be "that" mother-in-law. So...tell me the number 1 thing(s) you wish your mother-in-law didn't do, or just give me your best advice. Ready, set, GO!
A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
I think the problems happen when It's the female's mother in law. My man can't complain about my mom, but his mom! DANG! Sometimes I want to snap my fingers so she can "disappear"!
Annoying thing she did today. She called me because (no doubt) her son was ignoring her. We leave on a wknd vacation tomorrow. She told me that her son didn't tell her to come over and feed the fish while we were gone and if I could ask him! Talk about NOSeY! No I don't want her nosey @ss here! I told her that the fish would survive a weekend without her visits, but that I'd tell her son. Which I won't!!! Now he's her only son (that she acknowledges because she gave one away and refused to meet him later in life) and she has been a royal pain.0 -
I adore my in-laws but my in-law complaints are about my own mother. She refers to my husband as "son-in-law" even when talking to him. For example, she will call him on his birthday and when he gets on the phone she says "happy birthday son-in-law." I just want to yell at her that he has a name (though he is not the only person she does this with as she does it with my brother and I as well). Also, she is the one that is always asking us about kids. For Christmas we got her an e-giftcard to an online craft site she is always shopping with. When I told her that part of her present was an e-mail she asked me if it was a picture of me 6 months pregnant. I told her no and she then proceeded to guess 9 months and 3 months. The kid thing comes up every other conversation at least. It's annoying. But she constantly badgers about it even though I have brought up the point that I am still a year younger than she was when she had me (and I'm her oldest). Oy. I'm off my rant now so my 2 things: 1) He has a name. Use it. 2) Don't badger them about kids. If they choose to have kids it will happen in due time (and remember it's their choice as to whether to have kids or not and when).0
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Honestly I can list a million things here. The fact that you are asking the question makes me believe that you will be a good MIL. I would honestly just tell them to let you know if you are upsetting them in anyway and respect what they have to asy.
I have a bad/good one. I swear she is both at the same time; well meaning but no common sense when it comes to how to behave. It got to be so bad that my husband and I decided to try to get relocated... Whoever got the package first, that's where we were going... We are now 8 hours away!0 -
I love my mother in law. So much so that I wouldn't care if she lived with us. She did back in 2004 for a few months when my DW was pregnant and had to stay home during the last 6 months of pregnancy and I was still working full time.So my daughter is getting married and I will become a mother-in-law in about 4 months. I dont want to be "that" mother-in-law. So...tell me the number 1 thing(s) you wish your mother-in-law didn't do, or just give me your best advice. Ready, set, GO!
A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
haha, you're like the opposite of me! My fiance and I are college students and he was thinking about living with his parents when he graduated (he has MD and he thought it would be financially difficult for him to live on his own) and I told him that I would use my entire pay check to pay for his portion of the rent if I had to just so I wouldn't have to live there.0 -
I have the mother in law from hell! Not an exaggeration! She has been absolutely evil to me! After 20 years of being married to her son, and giving her 3 beautiful grandsons, she still cannot say a kind word to me or about me! Unfortunately we live in a very small rural community and everything she says about me comes back to me! I have always tried to take the higher road and not lower myself to her level! And trust me, that has not always been easy!
My mother absolutely worships my husband and has been an excellent mother in law to my hubby and also to my sisters in law's, they all love her! From watching this situation my best advice would be to tell your daughter if they have a fight, you don't want to hear about it...that is what she has girlfriends for. I told my mom a few things when we were first married... we would have a fight, I would tell my mom, we would make up but my mom was still mad at him! I read some advice about this in Dear Abby and thought about how true that was. I stopped telling my mom the bad things and she stopped being mad at my hubby!
The biggest thing is RESPECT, respect boundaries! When the grandkids come along, if mom or dad says no, do not go behind the parents backs and give or let the child do whatever is was that the parents said no to! It really causes hard feelings! Do not go into their house when they are not home and snoop around. And for heavens sake, don't gossip about your family, it makes for some really uncomfortable family gatherings! I believe in karma and that you should treat other people the way you want to be treated.0 -
Don't complain about him. His job, clothing, manners, religion, hobbies, etc. Just don't. Unless he is physically abusive don't knock the man.
If they have a fight stay out of it. If you hear about it don't take sides. They will make up and she will still be pissed off about what you said about him. Or at least that's what happened with my own mother.
Don't complain when they come up with new traditions. They are merging both of their traditions and making new ones. Some of the ones she had with your family might not make it into her new family mix.
Finally, when they have children remember they are their children. Don't parent their kids! But love the heck out of your grandchildren!0 -
~O~M~G~ what NOT to do?!. WHERE DO I START?!. my m-i-l is a PAIN in the *kitten*!!!!! i mean, i love her, but ARG!
~she gives her oldest and youngest EVERYTHING when they ask, and when we ask, NOPE NOPE NOPE ~ ~ ~ so don't PLAY FAVORITES!
~she DRUNKENLY talked to me at our wedding making me promise never to break her sons heart, and when we hit hard times, she e-mailed me chewing me out about the promise i had to make to a drunk her
~she BABIES my husband, basically trying to keep him as a "tit" baby~DON'T DO THAT! let them spread their wings and learn on their own
~she favorites her oldest and youngest kids kids(so her grandkids). they get spendy and MORE gifts then our kids EVER get. she just favorites them, and our kids are starting to see it, and it hurts them.....so when kids come into the picture, DON'T PLAY FAVORITES!
~she basically brain washes my hubby into thinking what she wants him to think.....like i should be doing this cause what i'm doing now doesn't make her happy, so he comes home saying that cause she pounded into his head so much of it....again ARG! ~don't do that, again, LET THEM DO THEIR OWN THING!
there is SOOOOOOOO much more i could say yet........but i'll stop their.....in conclusion, LET THEM LIVE THEIR LIFE! be a part, but not a part so much that it's like you are part of the marriage. let them learn from their own mistakes. give advice only when asked........you DON'T have to always be silent, but just watch how much your nose enters their life.....if you get what i mean.
good luck though! hope you don't become "one of those mother in laws!"0
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